Circle

This week I started taking yoga again.  Yoga has been one of those things I always wanted to pursue- since I was 12 years old.  I was babysitting and there was a small green hardcover book called "Yoga for Everyday Health".  It pretty much smacked me over the head with a YOU NEED TO PURSUE THIS order and I never did until I got pregnant.

My pregnancy was a really awful time- I was in a lot of emotional pain and confusion due to my ex husband bailing out on our marriage because he found another girl (with a full bank account).  I was pregnant, alone, and scared and just...hurting a lot.  Going through that transition.  Going to yoga was one of the nicest and most comforting things I had during that time, and it really did help tremendously with pregnancy aches and pains.

I always wanted to go back, and finally I did.  It took me 10 years, but I made it back.  Going to a class after work isn't really the most feasible thing when you are alone with a child who has to be picked up from childcare, and who has her own classes on the weekends.  DVDs aren't the same as a class.

But now, finally, I can do it.  I am back at Integral Yoga NYC in the West Village.  It is also a block and a half from where Daya was born.

IYI has not changed at all in 10 years, and I love that.  The whole building is completely saturated with wonderful beautiful energy. Being there again felt like I completed an energetic circle, with my today-self telling my 2005-self that everything will be ok.

On the second floor there are several pictures on the walls of Yoga people, gurus, important people in the Hindu tradition,  etc.  There is also a picture of Jesus.  I remember this picture very specifically from 2005, and what was posted underneath it.  I found it comforting at the time.  It is still there, in exactly the same place, unchanged.

Hope

Aside from having no painting mojo, I am also having a dry spell when it comes to blog posts.  Doing a post every day was never a specific intention- it just kind of happened.  I often have them scheduled days in advance.  Now, since I am on a roll, I don't want to stop. But I don't have any posts lined up.

Not having a blog post for yesterday was a major incentive for sitting down and doing some sketchbook painting, but it felt so forced and it looked that way too.  My brain might be over-assaulted with input again...if that is the case then I will just have to go off Facebook.

So I need a focus. A defined point from which to start.   I'm thinking about it.  Sometimes tarot decks or oracle cards are good for that.  I have a few that I have gotten just for the art.  I also have a couple of decks I got for the subject matter but the art is so bad and cheezy I can't look at them.

So, hope.  I think about hope a lot.  Sometimes I don't know what to do about it.  Whether to keep it, lose it, or re-direct it.  That might make for an interesting painting, actually.

Here is a nice image for Hope.  This is from the Wisdom of the House of Night oracle card deck, which really is gorgeous.  I'm not a House of Night fan and I'm not interested in it. I never even heard of it until Amazon showed me the card deck in recommendations.  But the deck is gorgeous.

*****
TRUE STORY: When I was in high school I knew a girl named Hope who was married to a guy named Chanse.

My Focuser is Broken

I don't know what my problem is, but I can't paint. When I sit down to paint, I just can't get into it.  I can't focus.  I have zero inspiration, zero art energy.

That's kind of a bummer.

I was going to post a sketchbook page but it looks so forced...well, because it was.

My stupid muse took off again and she left no forwarding address, has not been in contact... I have done all the things I know to do for inspiration... and...nothing.

My well is dry and I'm annoyed about it.

I bet stuff like this never happens to Drusilla.

Namesake

When Carey was pregnant with her first child, I strongly encouraged her to name the baby after me. Since she had a boy, she was off the hook.

Then she had TWO GIRLS.  I tried everything to persuade her to name one of them after me.  even a middle name.

And now she is growing #4.  I pulled out all the stops to get this child named after me, including reverse psychology and giving the baby a different name every single day.  Although I am steadfastly optimistic that this child will still be my namesake, I actually think it is a boy.  Which means Carey will have to have another baby.

BUT.........she went to the store the other day and she sent me this wonderful picture of a cactus she adopted!  I suggested she names it Jessica AND SHE DID!!!  I have a cactus named after me now!

So happy.

Jessica the Cactus

Drag the Cats Around!

Because I am a geek, I have made an interactive guessing game published as HTML5 and I figured out how to put it here on my blog!!  So exciting.

It will work in any browser that supports HTML5, and on most mobile devices.  No Flash!  Yay! Tested on Android (Thanx Carey) desktop (Chrome) and iPhone!

If your browser does not support HTML5, try using Chrome.

Enjoy!

100% Chance

• If you have at least one child, there is a 100% chance you will have odd things on the floor.
• If there is something circular on the floor, there is a 100% chance it will get occupied by a cat.
• If the circular object does not get picked up, there is a 100% chance it will become a favorite napping spot.
• If you move the circular object, there is a 100% chance you will feel guilty about it.
• If you feel guilty, there is a 100% chance you will not move the circular object on the floor no matter how inconvenient a place it is in.

Mid-Yawn

Isis yawned at me then went back to sleep.

The Winchester Bible

Last Sunday I went with Daya to see the Winchester Bible exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, which was just AWESOME.  I love all things Medieval, especially books. And I love the Met madly.

Here are some pictures.  Being around this kind of thing is a really profound and humbling experience- the time it has been through, the people who made it, the culture it came from, people who have preserved it- and by being in it's presence and honoring it, we also become part of its history.

I did not, until just now, see the no pictures icon.  Like anyone is going to notice that.  Even if I did see it, I still would have taken pictures.

Cat Pancake

Carey made pancakes and she sent me pictures.  One looked like a cat.  Actually, it looked like Isis.  I was at work when I saw the Isis pancake and I knew immediately that we needed to have pancakes for dinner.  There are times when pancakes are the best dinner idea in the world.  Perfection.  With real maple syrup, of course.  None of that nasty corn syrup garbage.

Of course I made a kitty pancake for Daya.

Kitty Pancake

And Look! Carey drew my pancake!!

Better Roots

All parents.... The majority of parents want better for their children than they had growing up.  I am no exception.  One of my triumphs as a parent, so far, has been to provide Daya a better childhood than I had in a few ways that, to me, are of utmost importance.

We may not have much money, but we make the most of it.  She has all of her needs and many (not all) of her wants.  Actually, I specifically don't want her to have everything she wants.  Life is not like that and she has to learn it.

What I have given her that I did not have:

• General stability
• Peaceful, emotionally harmonious home
• A single place to grow up, roots
• A good relationship with me
• Fun experiences together
• Lots and lots of pictures
• Childhood friends to grow up with, to help make up for the lack of family

One of my greatest struggles was having no roots. It felt like a huge empty void, like I was floating through life completely unconnected.  This affected me in a huge way from childhood into my late 20s/early 30s.  But I have made my own roots.  I have created my own foundation from scratch, and I hope that it is one which can support Daya and strengthen her as she grows older.  I want her to have a sense of "home".

We each have our "moments" but in general Daya and I get along very well.  We live well together.  One of the things about NYC is the forced closeness of living quarters.  That's bad if you live with a toxic person, but Daya and I get along.  Our mornings are pretty quiet.  Sometimes I wake her up, sometimes she wakes me up, and we each do what we need to do.  It is never a fight, not stressful.  We have nice conversations. She is at that age where she is still super-cute but she can also hold a really good insightful conversation.  I enjoy her company, and I tell her so.

A Letter to Myself from 1995

When I was a senior in high school, I wrote myself a letter, which I came across by chance yesterday.

I was supposed to open it on my birthday in 2014 but since I am a superstar I messed up and thought I was supposed to open it on my birthday in 2016.  I am a few months late.

Here is most of the letter, in which I respond to myself.

28 Feb 1995

Jessica,
By plan you're ** years old. It should be Oct 29th, 2014.  Well I am a little late on that, sorry, got the year wrong.... Next century, 19 years later.  Well, right now it's 9:39pm. You (I) got off work at 9:00.  

Gypsy's here while I am writing this.  As of right now, I'm a senior at Milton High School. My plans for the future include going to Pratt Institute in Brooklyn which is definite, and eventually becoming a Walt Disney animator. Yep, I wanted to get into animation.  I used to make flip books on the pages of textbooks.  I still like to make things move.  In TV productions I have been producing newscasts.

Right now I'm wondering where in life I'll be when I read this 19 years from now. I want to know what job I'm having (one that didn't exist in 1995!) and if I'm married. I was....not anymore though.

Do you still talk to Scott?  Yes  How about Janet? Yes we are Facebook friends. I was out of touch with both of them for many years though.  

I'm listening to the soundtrack to Cats.  Gypsy is cleaning herself. 
How much do you think you remember about right now? Well, if you ever get any insane notion that you want to go back to high school, forget it. I hate it.  It's oppressive.  I'm surrounded by immature imbeciles.  Work is a drag.  I still have to ride the bus when I can't bum a ride. It sucks.  Remember you were so depressed.  You hated your home life.  Are your relations with Mom any better?  No, we have had no contact at all for years and I like it that way. How about Christine? She changed her name years ago and we haven't had any contact for years.  

Did you keep your paintings and other artistic work?  I have my AP art slides.  Remember Mrs Jennings and all she did for you?  Yes, of course.  

Well, I'm not sure what else to say to you.  I get the feeling that you'll want to read more than what I've already said to you.  Although I've been thinking of this letter for a while, I'm still not sure what to say. Maybe I'll add to it.  There is so much I want to know.

Do you love yourself yet?  Yes.

Be there for your husband and yourself. And especially God.  

Well, bye for now.

Jessica

PS what about your wonderful GHP friends?
I'm not in touch with anyone from GHP.

****

My cat Gypsy.  I remember bringing her in for show and tell in nursery school.  She died halfway through my Freshman year in college.

Best cat ever

Fighting Alone

Daya turns 10 later this year.  In general, this is a milestone year in a few ways- my blog turns 10, Daya turns 10. This year marks 20 years I have been in NYC.  I will be 9 years at my current job...but mostly, Daya turns 10 and I have been documenting this journey more or less for 10 years.

And I have been fighting almost constantly to get through.  I don't mean fighting in the sense of conflict.  It has been a real fight just to get through each day.  There have been times when I literally have to take it second by second.  Those seconds turn into minutes, which turn into hours, days, weeks, months.....years.

Ten years.

I have been fighting to get through alone now for almost ten years.  I don't want to be alone but that's just how life turned out.  I have no family support and no financial help. .  I haven't met a man that I really connect with who also wants to move forward together.   I'm completely winging it when it comes to parenting

This is just a statement of circumstance- I don't feel sorry for myself.  Fighting alone for so long has made me very strong and has brought many lessons. But it is something I also have to be very conscious about, because it has engaged and honed the aggressive part of my personality.  While I am a peaceful person in general and interpersonal conflict upsets me greatly (something I am overly sensitive to), I do have that sharp aggressive side.  I have needed it, but I also have to be careful with it. It is my machete clearing a path through the jungle.  It has worked well.  I have had to fight through some really awful circumstances alone. And I have done well so far.

I fight my way through because I have no other choice.  I am carrying a huge amount of weight and responsibility by myself.  However, I feel a deep need for balance, which is really the whole point of this entry.  By circumstance, I have had to be very yang.

What I need is the space and circumstance to be yin, to explore that more.  The yin is something I do consciously honor and work with, but I want to experience it more predominately in my lifestyle, to live yin, if that makes any sense.

I am not sure how to do that.

image by mordecaidesign

Loving-Kindness Meditation

Here is a little more to add to my Right Association post from the other day.

Removing toxic people from your life is one of the most empowering and healthy things we can do. But that doesn't mean we should project negativity towards them forever.  Of course we have to go through our healing process.

There needs to be space and time for anger, resentment, bitterness, all those things.  It is normal and natural.  But those feelings aren't meant to be permanent, in the same way that pus must be drained out of a wound.  They have to move through so they can be released.

In his book A Path with Heart (which is excellent),  Jack Cornfield talks about loving-kindness meditation.

This is a wonderful and simple meditation which is extremely powerful.

First you practice doing it only for yourself for a while (could even be months).
Then you do it for someone you love for a while.

As you progress, start doing it for people you feel neutral towards and, finally, do it for people you absolutely cannot stand.  Or the people who have caused you the most pain.

This is the meditation:

May ___ be filled with loving-kindness
May ___ be well
May ___ be peaceful and at ease
May ___ be happy

Just fill in the blank with "I" or a person's name.  This is good for situations, too.
Sit quietly and repeat it, either aloud or in your mind like a mantra.  It transmutes negativity and will raise your frequency, especially if done over time.

Move!

Why.  Why do people stop and stand HERE.  ALL THE TIME. Every station.

When you come down the stairs, do not stand right in front of the pole next to the stairs- it is very difficult and ANNOYING for people to walk past you in that 6 inch space behind you.  

There is a whole entire large platform to stand on USE IT!!!!

Right Association

Truth from my amazing friend and Angel, Mary

In Buddhism, there is something called 'Right Association'.

Basically, what this means be careful and conscious about the people with whom you closely engage with- relationships, friends, etc.

I read somewhere recently that our main influence comes from the top 5 (or was it three?) people we are in closest association with.  Notice I say "closest association"- this can be either positive or negative depending on the person.  It doesn't necessarily mean a positive relationship.  Often it is a very toxic relationship.

• Are the people you are most closely associated with the kind of person you admire?  
• Do they treat you well or is everything on their terms and they just feed off your energy?  
• Do you feel weak or strong around them? 
• Does their presence enrich your life and make you a better person?  
• Do they genuinely care about you as a person and support you in your life, or do they just expect you to bend over and accommodate them all the time, with no regard for your needs and desires?  
• Do they speak to you kindly or are their words unkind?  
• Do they build your spirit or break it?  
• Are they invested in you as a person, sharing joy in your success and supporting you in failure? 
• Do they take responsibility for themselves or blame you for everything? 
• Are they nice to you only because they want something? 
• Do they feel entitled or do they share generously?  
• Are they manipulative or genuine?  
• Do they encourage you to develop your own inner strength and power, or do they just want to have power over you?

It is pretty much impossible to heal and be strong when you are closely associated with toxic people.  The people we are closely associated with can make or break us.

If you find no one to support you on the spiritual path, walk alone.
If you see a wise person who steers you away from the wrong path, follow him.
The company of the wise is joyful, like reunion with one’s family.
Therefore, live among the wise,who are understanding, patient, responsible and noble.
Keep their company like the moon moving among the stars.”

— Dhammapada (Words Of The Buddha)

Please?

I just cannot seem to get a break when it comes to people.  It's one thing after another.  And when I thought there was no one left and I was all done, finally, I was proven wrong.  It comes out of somehere AND out of nowhere.  I just cannot get a break.  Ever.

I'm just so tired of it.

All I want is for a positive experience.  Is that wanting too much?  Too much hope?  Too much expectation? At this point the why of it all doesn't even matter.  What is more important is the present and going forward.

Can't life cut me a break for once when it comes to people? Just once?  Please?

image by BazNet

How apt that this article found me:

It's so good I'm re-posting the entire thing.

******
Never Settle For Someone Who Wants You Over Someone Who Would Do Anything To Keep You

Human beings are almost entirely governed by two instincts: desire and the need to avoid loss. We are loss-adverse animals who constantly want something.

The instinct to want and to avoid loss are so strong and so deeply ingrained in our psyches that we see little purpose to life outside of them.

Wanting to own and to hold on to things is the reason we believe life has value to us as individuals; if we were unable to keep things for ourselves, then we would find little reason to participate whatsoever.

The problem arises when people are more worried about satisfying their wants than they are of satisfying their instinct to avoid loss — when the scale tips in this direction, you have people who attain things they don’t need and then find it difficult to appreciate any of the things they already have.

Not being capable of appreciating the things in your life is one thing — a bad thing — but not being capable of appreciating the people in your life is another.

As a rule of thumb, if you are in a relationship and do not fear the thought of losing the person you are with — if you wouldn’t do just about anything to keep them in your life, if you don’t feel that you need them — then either you don’t have your priorities straight or they simply aren’t worth keeping.

If you find yourself with someone whom you feel only wants you but wouldn’t move heaven and earth to keep you, then move on. You’re not a thing and you deserve better.

But how can you tell the difference?
A person who wants you…

Only gives you attention when it’s convenient. If this person is in the mood to see and to interact with you, if this person wants or needs that interaction, then this person will give you attention.

Otherwise, if this person isn’t in the mood to talk to you, to help you, to spend time with you, to be there for you, he or she will simply be unavailable – until, of course, it’s convenient to be there.
A person who needs you…

Is there for you because being there for you is something this person needs to do. This person needs to keep you safe and happy. This person needs you to enjoy life so that he or she, in turn, can enjoy life.

Regardless of whether it’s convenient or not, this person will be there for you. This person will do anything to avoid losing you, even if it means sucking it up from time to time and doing the little things he or she isn’t especially excited to do.
A person who wants you…

Will keep the conversations to a minimum. This person puts up with you because you serve a purpose.

This person understands that this means he or she will have to talk to you in order for you to feel comfortable enough to allow him or her to use you, but if this person could have it his or her way, conversations would be avoided altogether. This person doesn’t care what you have to say because this person doesn’t really care about you.
A person who needs you…

Will do anything to keep you. This is the type of person who is always interested to hear what you have to say. This person wants to know about your day, to know what you did, what you ate, whom you interacted with.

This person wants to know every little bit about you because he or she is still trying to figure out why it is that he or she needs you so much.

This person knows he or she couldn’t bear living without you, but this person can’t exactly pinpoint the reason why.

This person is in love with you because this person is in love with you, and although that’s enough of an explanation, this person still wants to figure you out.
A person who wants you…

Never makes long-term plans with you and avoids talking about your future. This person doesn’t want to plan any trips for next month — hell, he or she may not even want to plan dinner for next week.

This person doesn’t want to promise that he or she will see you again because it may never happen.

Every time this person leaves you, there’s a good chance it will be for the last time. You never know… maybe this person will find something better, or simply newer, later this week.
A person who needs you…

Has no problems planning trips or discussing your relationship. This person may not be able to promise you forever, but at the moment, he or she sees no reason not to.

During conversation, this person will mention things that you need to do together, that you need to see and experience together.

This person will talk as if the two of you were the same person, living life side by side. When a person needs you — really needs you — that person sees his or her entire future with you in it.
A person who wants you…

Will never love you. If you pay close attention and remain as objective as possible, you can tell how much a person cares about you.

It can be difficult to distance ourselves in such a way when we believe ourselves to be falling in love, but it must be done if you wish to avoid wasting your time and getting your heart broken.

If this person looks at you and smiles and you can tell he or she isn’t just looking at you, but looking into you, then you may have a keeper on your hands.
A person who needs you…

Either loves you or will soon accept that he or she loves you. A person who only wants you will never love you. It can be difficult for people to admit to themselves that they love other people — forget about admitting it to them. It takes some people significantly more time than others.

However, just because people can’t admit it — to you or themselves — that they love you doesn’t mean they will never admit that they love you. You have to be patient with people.

I Need to Paint

Last week Carey and I started a sketchbook project.  Carey is my Great Motivator.  I need to feel accountable. I do better with deadlines.  Often, we are both in the same slump.  Except she is better at getting out of it than I am.  Anyhow, we are supposed to do three sketchbook things a week.  She did hers, these incredible collage things.

I did half a page (sky) and the background of a double page spread.  Not so great.

Despite having a lovely pile of new acrylics to play with, I can't seem to muster up the focus to finish anything.  Now I feel guilty, so I have to do better this week.  And I have to make up for last week.

What blocks me:

• Laziness (I have so much to do, it is overwhelming so I shut down and do nothing)
• New sketchbook (I really, really DO NOT LIKE starting new sketchbooks)
• I'm upset (still furious. and sad.)
• General disheartened feeling (people, disappointment)
• Cats in the way (yes I know that is lame)

I need to kickstart myself somehow.  Usually showing up at the easel does it, but even that hasn't been working lately. Where my motivation went....I just have no clue but I sure wish it would come back.

While I always will be a die-hard Oily Girl, I am going over to the Quick-Dry Side and doing acrylic work in my sketchbook.  I have a bunch of Golden Opens, and I like them a lot but I prefer superfast drying for my sketchbook.  So I have acquired some more Golden regulars.

Here is something very annoying I have learned:

The cats like to drink my dirty paint water.  While I don't have any toxic acrylic pigments--Nevermind I have cadmium and cobalt!-- Well, it's probably not the best thing for them to be drinking.  Of course they have fresh water out at all times but they want acrylic paint water.  Stupid cats.  This is definitely not something I ever have to deal with in oils.

Isis goes up there, drinks the water, 

settles down and will not move.

Pebbles and Furball saw her and now they do it too.

Copycats.

Jerry's started carrying the non-Jerry's brands!

I had a 20% off ALL paint coupon!!

Love Sucks

One of the worst things about life is when you really love someone and they don't love you back.  It's one of those things I'm sure everyone has gone through at least once on some level.  Unfortunately I have a lot of experience with this- from family, friends, men.

Sometimes people pretend for a while, sometimes they don't. In any case, the only way to tell what is real and genuine is by actions, never words.  It is so hard to really love and care for someone who, for whatever reason, does not reciprocate.  It makes me wonder sometimes what the point of it all even is.

I'm too much of an emotional realist to play any pretend games. Besides, I like knowing where I stand, no matter what. I don't do pretend-love.  If I care about someone I will give them every chance- and then some- I'm no perfectionist by any means. I don't believe in perfectionism.  Not in myself and not in others. But I have my limits. And if there is no reciprocation, there is nothing worth giving my energy to. IMHO, it is definitely a loss for the other person. (Well, it's true.)

But that doesn't mean feelings go away, which can be really maddening.

I don't like going through it, and I don't like seeing people I care about go through it.  The other day my friend was hurting pretty badly and she asked me for love advice and perspective.  I told her what I really believe is the truth, and I think she knows it but needed someone to tell her point blank: "He doesn't love you."

I have become good at recognizing it.  Sometimes I have to help other people recognize it, and it is very sad.  It is not possible to love someone enough to make them love you back.  It has to be a dual effort. And those that would be loved, they miss out on something special.

Commute

Just another day in the life...even Storm Troopers have to go to work.

Happy Monday, world!

Walking West on 42nd street near 5th ave

Catechism

When I was around 7, we went to a Lutheran church and we had to memorize the Catechism.  There were a lot of things that began with "We are to fear and love God.....".

My 7 year-old mind tried to puzzle this one out.  Fear and love God.  It really put my mind in a quandary.  I didn't understand it.  I wondered about it.  Finally I came to the conclusion it meant I love God but I should be really afraid of him at the same time.

As I got older I still thought about it.  I'm writing about it now, so I guess I'm still thinking about it!

Neale Donald Walsh talks about love and fear being polar opposites in Conversations with God, which I read in college.

I do not fear God.  There is just no reason to.  Besides, when your motivations, intentions, and actions stem from fear that is not good.  Not good at all. You cannot increase your frequency if you are acting from fear.

Take this quote:

This is awful. 

Motivation, intention, and action should stem from Love- never fear.  Love is connection with God- fear is separation.  You cannot truly know God through a fear-based connection.  Acting out of love, because you love God, is what drives integrity.  It is strength.

Fear is an ill-chosen word.  Perhaps the correct one is reverence.

Wrong Number Texts

Now and then, I get texts from wrong numbers.  I have gotten wrong number texts with pictures of people, people saying I love you, some guy texting his "bae"....

I usually mess with them and text back.  Have a little fun.  Except the lady who sent her nice selfie because she looked good. I told her so.

It really baffles me how people can text to people who (I assume) are significant, and they get the number wrong.  This is why we save numbers and contacts.

Here is a wrong number text I got- it is the BEST EVER, even though it was not supposed to get to me, it did.  Since I don't believe in random, it was uplifting.  Like God saying hi.  :)

Although I hope the person it was meant for gets it- I replied letting the person know and didn't hear back.

Such a nice message, thank you stranger!

Blue Chips

Daya: What are blue chips?
Me:  What? Blue chips?
Daya: What are they made of?
Me: Do you mean stocks?
Daya: Yes.
Me: Blue chip stocks are shares in companies that have been around for a long time and are generally thought to be very stable.
Daya: But what do they taste like?
Me:  Huh?  Ohhhhhhhh! Blue corn chips!
Daya:  Yeah!

 

Blue Chip

Also Blue Chips

Furiouser and Furiouser

I don't get Really Angry often at all.  It takes a lot.  Sure, I get annoyed, irritated- but it passes quickly.  But Really Angry...smoldering simmering Real Deal Angry- that takes a lot.

And I am smoldering simmering angry.  It is a slow anger. It is moving slowly.  I am processing all of this very slowly. I will let this move through me and then I will release it and Move On.

I want to keep loving people- to stay soft- not have a hard heart.  That is a huge challenge when people repeatedly- intentionally- lie, betray, and take advantage.

Mistakes happen, we all have our issues, shortcomings, challenges, etc.  That is all fine. I will forgive or overlook a LOT.  But deliberate shadiness, broken promises, complete disregard and dishonesty- that is a whole different matter altogether.  I desperately want to have a different experience with someone, because I believe it must be possible even though life proves me wrong again and again.

I have to keep believing it is possible.

Because I don't want to lose my capacity to love and trust- which is never something I do lightly to begin with- so the only option is to keep trying and remember my Lessons Learned.

Actions say everything.  Words without corresponding actions are useless.  I know when someone doesn't really care, isn't interested, doesn't  value our relationship.  And yet I still keep trying, because I want it to work, because I care very deeply. And because I still keep hope, until I just cannot anymore. If people care they will act like it.  And if they don't, they won't.  And I don't need any more people that don't care.

I'm just trying so hard right now to not be downhearted, dispirited, and negative.  I'm trying so hard not to see people as one disappointment after another. Because it is true that I have some amazing friends, and I will focus on them.

And hope I meet someone else, some day, who is really capable of true integrity. Who truly values me as much as I would truly value them.  Someone who values loyalty.  It is a rare thing. I have to believe it exists.

I am so, so deeply tired.

*****
One of the Reiki principles states:

"Just for today I will not anger."

In general, that is good and solid.  It applies to a lot- minor life irritations, stupid people, your kids, work, situations out of your control, the state of the world in general, not taking things personally...however- sometimes Anger just needs to happen. It needs its space.  Repressing things is no good.  It will make you sick.  Sometimes you just have to let Anger flow through you.  Don't let it drive for you and take over, but let it be a passenger and honor it, allow it, if that is what it needs.  And it will run its course.

Sekhmet

Image by sanjayaisland

Sviata

Daya went to the dentist last night.  (Perfect checkup, grape fluoride)

We took the bus back and got off a few blocks from home. We were walking through the neighborhood, quiet residential streets- no one else out.

Then, out of nowhere an Asian lady of unknown origin called to me from across the street.

Her: "Do you want some sviata?"
Me: "What?"

She crossed the street and came over to us.

Her: "You want sviata?  You buy sviata?  I have sviata."
Me: "What?  No.  I don't know what that is."

But I sure was curious.

Her: "Sviata."
Me: "I don't know what that is."

She opens her bag.  I'm thinking... Oh, great she's selling weed. In front of my kid.

Her: "Sviata.  For you, five dollars."  She pointed to Daya.  "Sviata for her." 

She pulled out what might have been a hat, a scarf, or a sweater. We couldn't tell.

Now, I'm really, really good with foreign accents, and figuring out what people are saying.  I can usually even figure out what they are saying over the subway loudspeaker on the old trains.  For real.

But "sviata"- nope.  No clue.

I said no thanks and walked away.

Daya and I just could not get over how incredibly weird that was.  And then I had to explain to her why I was surprised the woman wanted to sell what we think meant "sweater", but I would not have been surprised if she was trying to sell weed.

Daya LOVES her dentist.  For real.

She wears my sunglasses because she is "allergic to light".

Small Comforts

Small comforts are everywhere, and that is what I am focusing on.

• Kind words from friends. (thanks Dru, you have been a really truly incredible friend)
• Fluffy purring cats
• Daya being happy
• A whole lot of paint
• Wise words and prayers
• A clean drawing table
• A hot scrubby lavender bath that lasted for three Walking Dead episodes, leaving me with a nice clean feeling all over
• Candle and incense
• This video of pretty fish
• A hot cup of green tea

I want this bath!

Purple Water!

My Downfall

I am not the lonely type

I like my own company

It's not that I always like myself

But I know what I can expect from me

-Breck Alan

I have really learned my lesson.  My downfall is that when I love someone I really will give too much and it always bites me in the end.  Hard.  It is my fault for over-giving.  Over and over.  And I have really learned now, I can say that for certain.

I guess I keep doing it because I want it to turn out differently for once.  And because if I can help someone I trust and care about I want to.  But the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  I'm not insane anymore.

Sometimes I am too naive, or I have blinders on, or things that I would never do just never occur to me - that someone else would do it- it just doesn't even occur to me.

One thing I just cannot stomach is dishonesty. I am nuts about lying when it comes to Daya. I always tell her- tell the truth, even if it isn't what someone wants to hear- that is better than lying.  Lies always come back.  It might take a while but they come back.

I really wanted things to be different this time. And truly, I thought they were.

Now I know better for real.  Never again.  Never.