Underwater

I am finally at a place where I will just let life be without expecting anything. The way things will be is not up to me. The weekend was difficult and I am still putting myself in order.  And I am battling off a minor head cold.

My dearest friends have been hurt because I have been so closed off and touchy. Not myself.  I feel very badly about this; it was never my intention to hurt anyone.  They don't understand because I haven't told them.  I haven't wanted to talk. I haven't been able to talk.  I have been overwhelmed, confused, and out of sorts.  And very, very deep underwater.

Sometimes when I go through things I have to go very deep within myself to sit with situations and figure them out.  I am a deeply internal person. This can make me un-grounded and send the wrong message to people.  It is very dark down here.

When I am that deep underwater communication to the surface gets distorted.  Especially to the people who don't realize I am that deep under. People have a disfigured, distorted and unclear vision of me, and that upsets me greatly because I have been through hell and have been feeling like a terrible mess. And the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt the people I love most deeply.

But that is where I have to go to find my own inner clarity and process, and connect spiritually.

I am still underwater.  I'm not ready to fully emerge just yet.

I guess I'm an underwater thing so I guess I can't take it personally

I guess I'm an underwater thing, liquid running

There's a sea secret in me it's plain to see it is rising

But I must be flowing liquid diamonds

                                                         

                                                               -Tori Amos