Two Wicks

The newest candle I put on yesterday has 2 wicks. Never seen that before.

Very interesting, especially because I have a date on Friday.

The Very Good Soup

I have a stuffy nose.

And I'm also momentarily, though very, broke.

Ceyenne pepper is good for stuffy noses. So last night I rifled through the kitchen finding interesting things with which to make a soup. That's economical, so it's good when you're broke. I love soup, and I make it year round.

My soup came out so wonderfully, and I never would have made it if I wasn't broke with a stuffy nose. So it proves that adverse circumstances can be beneficial.

Here is my very good soup, blogged here so I don't forget it.

(No measurements, everything measured to taste)
Veg stock
lots of Sofrito
chopped onion
chopped potatoes
chopped carrots
peas
big spoonful minced garlic
cayenne pepper
frozen shrimp
tiny bit of salt

throw it all together and simmer for a half hour.

Whose Job Is It?

I have just had a wonderful conversation with someone in the corporate restroom.
She told this story:

She and a male co-worker were in a meeting with another male co-worker. He left the room for a moment, and the two immediately started a serious battle over who had to tell him that his zipper was down.

Methinks that's definitely the man's job.

Solstice etc

Last night was the summer solstice...the longest day of the year. From now on, the days slowly but surely get shorter, bringing us back into the sleepy time of year. I know where I was last year's solstice, the year before, the year before that, and so on. Years ago in different places, sometimes walking with company that was appreciated at the time.

I celebrated the solstice by lighting a bunch of candles and enjoying the thunderstorm and rain.

To be honest, I'm not where I thought last year that I'd be at this time. I can't help but wonder about next year's summer solstice. The world is fast changing, with more to come. The streets are scary, with hostility flying around from all directions. It makes people insane. The normality of yesterday and today is fast becoming tomorrow's nostalgia.

The law of energy states that like energy attracts like energy, but I seem to attract none at all, what does that mean?

Solstice

Tomorrow brings us into the summer solstice. The longest day of the year. After tomorrow, the days get shorter as we move back into the dark part of the year.

Daya vs the Lemon

Daya eats a lemon from flavopurpurea on Vimeo

Third Time

I've sort of had this sense lately that I've bunked my life up.

I always wondered why I seem to attract and gravitate towards the Spiritually Weird, and maybe there is a point to it, or purpose, but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm thinking it is more because of bad decisions, and the ways things seem to link in progression are just because of making the same bad decisions.

My life has been lived in separate chapters, one ends and another begins. Very clear-cut. I'm now in the third stage of my adult life after college. Now I am starting out on another leg of my spiritual quest, to discover whatever it is that I need to discover, learn, and do for the times that approach, what I've known about since...I don't even know since when. In this lifetime I am very much a Student. My attempts to learn have always turned out to be dark and scary and demonic...but I learned a lot and came out ok in the end (I think...), so I think maybe this time I'll be ok too, whatever happens. Third time's a charm, maybe?

Potty Power...?

Netflix sent me Potty Power.

Although it's still kind of early, I sat Daya down. Just to give her a few ideas. Start the process. Eerily, the girl on Potty Power not only has my name, but she also looks a lot like me. Thankfully, I don't sing like her though.

Daya was enraptured for about 18 minutes of the 30 minute video. She was totally into it, fascinated by the talking toilet paper, everything. Then she suddenly got bored and went on to other things.

And the only thing that Potty Power has accomplished is that now Daya likes to drink toilet water.

Just some stuff

I haven't been on here for a bit because I've just had nothing to say. Today I'm feeling very bad, hurt, but I don't want to talk about it or write about it, save to say that that's how I am feeling. It may take a few days but I'll get over it, and in the meantime observe it. I'm sure I'm making a mountain out of nothing but that's just where I am right now.

I have this crazy inner child who gets to run amok more often than she should. I've got a lot of work to do with her, and how I'm feeling right now most probably has to do with her and inner child processing/interpretation etc. For no logical reason I can launch into feeling hurtfully rejected over nothing. Case in point: Last week an author that I wanted to see was having a book signing in the evening. I wanted to go, for no reason other than I could. I went home after work, collected Daya, and went. I thought Daya might start winding down, as she hadn't slept all day and her bedtime was fast approachng. She wasn't cranky but she was definitely awake, being curious in the way toddlers are. Anyhow, I was in the back of the room, listening to the author and quietly entertaining Daya, who honestly wasn't being loud or noisy at all. (another woman had a baby who would cry now and then) A lady in the audience asked me to take Daya out of the room, and I complied immediately, beause I'm all into respecting people, especially when little kids are involved. And there was nothing wrong with her politely asking me to leave. But somehow, illogically, it translated to some part of me as leave, you're not wanted here, a rejection. A totally wrong reaction on my part, but it was there so I observed it. No amount of logic and sensibility helped.

I think what I'm feeling now is in the same vein, although a different situation entirely.

Bitch Goddess

I had my voice lesson last night, and there's always an hour or so between my lesson and when I get off work. During this hour I like to walk around the city and just enjoy everything. There was a poster on a bus stop for a new tv show out called In Dog We Trust or someting like that. It got me thinking about how things are fed to humanity backwards, as Stuie suggests (and which makes sense). Dog, of course, is God backwards. The cliche for Dog is man's best friend. I think that fits God pretty perfectly, too. But the most interesting thng which came at me in a flash was bitch. Which of course is a female dog. Goddess backwards. And how it's an insult in vernacular language, to call someone that. Degrading, derrogatory. It's just an interesting observation about the whole yang imbalance and how it reflects in our language. Very much in the same vein as Witch.

In certain rather violent street cultures the word bitch is routinely used to refer to a woman. This degradation of women- of the feminine- look at the violence and hate that emerges without Her soft touch.

Bendy Straws

Because Daya is a toddler she is constantly in awe and wonder at eveything in the world. Her latest New Thing is juice boxes. And straws.

I'm quite glad abut the juice box thing- they are so easy to travel with.

This morning she howled for a while...I think...because she wanted her toothbrush and I have no idea where it is. She's such a perfect angel around oher people, and I get most of the yelling and tantrums.

Peace

Today in the news one of the top headlines is Cindy Sheehan's withdrawal from the peace movement. In the article in CNN it is mentioned that she camped outside Bush's ranch in Crawford TX, and he ignored her. That's sad. How much effort would it have been for him to take 2 seconds and just acknowledge her and express sympathy for her loss? In other words, to be a human for about 30 seconds. Compassion.

Compassion should be a requirement in leadership. But I'm not writing to speak about politics; I digress.

Dr. Wayne Dyer has a fabulous quote about peace: "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

One day maybe we'll get there as a species. In the meantime, I'll work on maintaining peace and calm in my own tiny corner of existence.

The Stinky Ghost

I think there was a ghost in my apartment last night. I think it followed me home from the subway. I don't know much of anything about ghosts, as I've only seen one once. But I think I had one.

On the subway coming home the car smelled bad. No suprise. Normal. But then I walked into my apartment and...well, nothing in my apartment smells like THAT. It smelled like a sweaty person who drank too much beer. And it moved around.

I talked to it, told it that if it had negative intent it had to leave. And it had to tell me what it wanted. I told it that it couldn't loiter. Unfortunately I said that last bit out loud in the hallway, facing into my apartment, on the way to pick up Daya. I didn't realize the neighbor was in the hallway.

Oops.

So, Stinky hung around all evening annoying me with its smell. Right before I went to bed I told it that it had to leave becasue I just couldn't take the smell and I'm not a medium, so please go find one.

This morning the smell was completely gone.

Powerful Intention

Remember my elephant neighbors?

My intention to stop the noise with a positive outcome worked.

There is a 2 bedroom next door to me. The people who lived there got a house and it's a really good living situation for them and their kids. So, my noisy neighbors are taking that apartment and will no longer be living above me. And everyone is happy.

:)

Tuning In

It's now the third day after my conference in Las Vegas. I'll write about it in bits and pieces. I'm feeling a difference- more in touch, less cloudy. I'm still having some sort of issue with my heart chakra, but I suppose that'll resolve itself in due time as well.

Anyhow. It seems I have finally gotten to the source of my agitation at work. I've absorbed too much of someone else's tension. My very nice co-worker who sits directly next to me, facing me. I dislike the setup at work; it's too open and close-quarters for my comfort. But I've been wondering why I've been so irritable, especially towards a certain person, when they've done nothing wrong and certainly don't deserve such a response from me. They do face me, and they do throw a lot of energy (unknowingly). They are tense often, very full of mental activity, and they project it. Unfortunately, my placement puts me directly in the line of fire.

On Monday, thankfully, I was able to work in isolation- a good thing because I was still so open from the weekend. I did some cleansing, and actually shielded for the first time in years. It worked tremendously. I felt the difference today, when I had to be at my desk all day.

On a totally different note, my home needs more light. I'm getting the message loud and clear to fix it, and how. My apartment, while a nice space, does not have good light or air flow. I'm working on it.

Back

I've been gone for a long time, I know. I was feeling in a bit of a funk for a while and just didn't feel like writing...then I got super busy at work and went to Vegas to see Stuart Wilde. Great trip. I'm still tired though. A nap wouldn't be out of place right now.

The Stuff of Thursday

1. I have 12 projects in my queue at work. TWELVE. (Well, you might ask, shouldnt't you be doing them instead of blogging? You're absolutely right.)

2. Flash bugs: I do not like them. Dear Adobe, please make sure your released software actually works properly. Love and kisses, J

3. I had a birthday party for my friend last night and I went to sleep AND to work without cleaning my kitchen, which is a veritable mess. Who am I kidding, I don't actually care. Except my floors, I'm a little tiny bit fixated on clean floors lately.

4. I'm not upset with my friend who stayed over anymore, and I've decided to let the issue go and not even mention it to her. Because really, I do value the friendship.

5. For Mother's Day I am treating mself and going to the opera. Carmen. In the Bronx. My old neighborhood. Should be weird. Will be a great time.

6. Corporate mergers. Again.

Sanctuary

A Little Bit of Weird

I always keep a pink seven day candle burning. Constantly. It's been going for six months straight now. They usually burn out in 5 days, not seven. They burn clean, and leave the glass clean.

Last wednesday afternoon I changed the candle. That evening my guest came to stay. The candle burned out in exactly three days: from Wednesday afternoon until Saturday afternoon, a few hours after she left.

It turned black. Really, really black. It left a mark on my wall.

Sore

I am going to try and make this a really short post.

Last week I hosted a friend and her daughter, who is a month older than Daya, for three days. She is a nice person and we got along well, as far as I can tell. It was a very nice time but I am left feeling hurt and sore. I know I did my best to be a good hostess. I provided everything from my own bed to diapers to toddler snacks, I cooked a nice dinner one night and breakfast for three mornings... I took her around the city; I checked in with her often to make sure all was well. I don't mind, as I want people to be comfortable in my home. She never lifted a finger or offered to help with anything around the house. I find that borderline as guest etiquette, but I can get past it.

What I cannot get past is that she came, stayed in my home for three days, and left without ever saying a single word of thank you.

Park Ave Tulips

These flowers are on Park Ave near 86th street.




This funky tree is in Central Park. I love it.

Steam

I have brought the office home with me tonight.

Physically and mentally. The physical part I don't mind so much; it happens once in a blue moon.

The mental part I mind a lot. I am frustrated. I work on a training team full of people who aren't trainers. And I'm really at my wits' end over the lack of project management skills. Unfortunately, since I do the production and development of the classes, I am directly on the receiving end of Project Management Incompotence.

Person 1 doesn't know how to manage a project at all, even though I've coached them in the past, and they are still asking me the same questions and having the same verbatim conversations we've had three or four times already. Then they come over and ask me what to do three more times. The last project they were managing, they simply *didn't do* the work and I ended up having to bail it out last minute.

Person 2 has poor communicaton skills and an aggressive personality. Also needs work in PM skills, but can at least put out a good project when all is said and done. Today I called them before going home only to discover that the project I'm currently doing needs to be delivered by 2pm Monday, and they never even told me about it!!! This person has also called me rigid and inflexible because I said no to spending hours on end-stage production work before the content was final, because they were impatient for the project to be done and couldn't get the person on the phone that they needed to speak to. I told person 2, as respectfully as possible, that not getting so and so on the phone wasn't my problem, please give me the content when it's final and I'm happy to produce it. Same Person 2 has given me feedback changes that were outright incorrect. Person 2 apparently has no verbal or written English skills whatsoever and always gives me script text that is so incorrect it makes no sense. The excuse? They didn't write it, they just copied and pasted from somewhere. This poor communication about expectations and sloppy work is causing friction between us. They had this same problem with a vendor last year. Now I know why. It wasn't the vendor's fault, I see that now. I refuse to work on something that I'll spend hours on and just have to re-do because the PM was sloppy.

Maybe I'm just crazy, but in my mind if you're managing a project and then handing the content over to someone else, take fucking accountability for it and make sure it's 100% ready for production.

Thank Goddess I am good at what I do, and my boss told me the other day that I'm one of the real treasures on the team. That was nice to hear, especially because I feel on the outsides socially...not that I mind a great deal about that. I much prefer to keep my social life separate from work. I am thankful that at least I have a great manager...and I think I need to have a meeting with him about this, and how it can be resolved in a positive way for everyone to be successful.

Shadow Dancing

Daya has discovered that singing and dancing with her shadow is fun. :)






Shadow Dancing on Vimeo

Bubbles!

Reaction

This is a few days delayed but I've needed that time to think and collect thoughts.

I am so deeply saddened by the shootings in Virginia earlier this week. It's so tragic and horrible. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

My reaction to it is that law enforcement needs to take non-physical violence far more seriously than it does. Of course this means resources on an already overburdened system and I don't have a good answer or solution to that because I feel there are so many factors involved in why these things are happening en masse to begin with. But the police do need to take things seriously even with no history of previous physical violence.

*****
Right after I had Daya things got even worse at home than they had been previously. I was extremely quiet and withdrawn; that was my defense. To appear weak and immobilized, lost in depression. Incapable of doing anything.

When Daya was 11 days old, the ex came home frome wherever he had been for the past four days. He came home for less than 10 minutes, just to tell me that he "had a vision" that the baby and I would be found dead in the apartment. He said it "was confirmed" and would definitely happen.

I took that pretty seriously. Seriously enough to call the police. The police told me that since he hadn't hit me, there was nothing they could do except file a complaint of harassment, which wouldn't even keep him away from me. Even though he is an expert martial artist. Even though he has firearms training. Even though he was crazy in the head. Even though he had said those words of his newborn baby girl.

What I think could very feasibly have happened, had I not moved out less than a week later, isn't a far stretch in my mind. The ex was crazy and that was dangerous because it meant he was unpredictable in his actions, regardless of previous known history. He was finished with me, that was made very, very clear. He also made it clear that he changed his mind and "couldn't" be tied down with responsibilities after all, meaning Daya. He said normal rules of humans didn't apply to him because he was god's special messenger. I was simply excess to him, something he used up and no longer needed. Something that could be discarded without a second thought. (Meaning he built up his social network, had a new woman to be parasite to, resources, and thought he had his greencard secured.)

That gives us a man who is expertly trained in the art of killing along with a total lack of conscience or sense of empathy or personal wrongdoing. And a motive. Very, very dangerous. It would have been so easy for him to have done something and make it look like a post-partum depression suicide/infant murder. So easy. Too easy, in fact, especially because it was no secret that I was not emotionally well during the pregnancy or afterwards. Add to that whatever he was telling people. And it would most probably have worked. Because people loved him and would have sworn on their lives he'd never do such a thing. Because of his way of presenting himself, and because no one knew the truth of what was going on in our home. And he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore, he'd be clear and free to go about his life of parasitical charm. And he'd get a ton of sympathy and attention from such a horrible thing happening...playing up his anguish...I can see it so clearly.

My story continued to a much happier place, for which I am beyond thankful.

Which cannot be said for those poor souls mowed down by one man's insanity.

Which could have and should have been prevented.

My Dad the Rock Star

Have I ever mentioned that my dad is a rock star? It's true. He opened for the Doors right when Light My Fire came out, back in the day, and I have met two separate unrelated people who remember his old band from way back. Cool, huh? He's also a cool person!

Here he is, doing his thing on steel guitar.

My Secret Wish

I have been carrying a wish around inside myself since I was a little kid, since at least 8 years old. And it's such a stupid thing, inconsequential really, but somehow it's major to me and has been for a long time. A secret desire, if you will.

After I had Daya and found myself single with no support or help, I told myself that I wouldn't let my circumstance stop me from being who I am and doing things that I want to do. That I would never use the excuse of being a single mom to prevent me from living life. This doesn't mean that I'm wanting to go off and do a bunch of stuff and leave Daya all the time, but I can certainly take a few hours here and there. I spend a lot of time with Daya and I intend to continue that- it's all just a matter of balance. Most of my social life also involves Daya, which is nice. But I need "me" time, too.

So back to my secret wish. I decided that I wanted to take a class of some kind. I was taking tea ceremony lessons, and I'll probably still do them sporadically, but they are much more expensive than I initially thought. I also still want to do Yoga, and that's pretty cheap and I'll probably work it in starting in the summer. I considered figure painting, because I love it and it's been a long time since I've had the opportunity. But for all these things, that little background voice started up again with the "...that would be fun and I'd enjoy it a lot, but if I could choose absolutely anything, what I REALLY want to study is voice."

So, as stupid as this is, I have a long-term build-up of fear with this, and it's a sticking point because I never properly resolved it. I believe in facing fears and blockages, and for some reason this is significant enough to me to the point where it's stayed around for a really long time. There is a definite energy block and I'm still not sure why it is so significant. But I guess I'll find out, because I start working with a vocal coach tonight. I could have gone the cheap route with this and done cheap lessons, or CDs and books, but I really want good training. Lessons aren't cheap (more than tea ceremony, actually) but somehow it's working out. I feel the cheap approach isn't doing justice to something that has been so secretly significant to me for such a long time. I need to give this the attention and space it wants. There is something that I need from it.

I have no interest in performance. This is purely personal. It's just something I need to do. I have been in choirs, both audition and non-audition. I studied piano for about 9 years growing up, and I deeply miss the world of music. Since I come from musicians, that's not really suprising.

Sometimes, when looking back on life, I really feel I could have gone the route of either music or visual arts. I took the road of visual arts and while I don't regret it, I do regret that my piano training got badly screwed up by an incompotent teacher. By the time I switched teachers it was a little late, and I was too young to realize the incompotence sooner. One day, when I am out of NYC and settled in a place where I can have a piano again, I'll resume it. I made that promise to myself a long time ago.

But tonight is about airing a block, facing a fear, and doing something that was important to me as a child and contines to be important in adulthood.

Life is for living, no excuses.

Daya Meets Daffodils

Out of the Woodwork

I just got a call from an old friend/acquaintance. Someone I haven't talked to in over a year, and it was such a nice call to receive. He was also good friends with the ex.

He said the last he heard, which was a long time ago, the ex was managing a restaurant in Cape Town, and he had a major emotional breakdown/ reality check when he got back to Africa and cried for three or four days or something like that.

I do not feel sorry for him.

I trust him about as far as I can throw a train. Nor do I wish to have any contact with him whatsoever. I don't trust his breakdowns; I've heard that story before from him and even if they're genuine in the moment, I think they turn into part of his facade for people to pity him and respond to him. The whole Poor Me act. I just don't buy it. My friend didn't know about his plans for a next marriage.

What I think is that he's so screwed up and so used to thinking of himself in a certain way, so used to lying and justifying those lies in his mind. He has an astonishing ability to bend reality and truth to suit his perspective. He has a natural charm and charisma; a magnetism, a glamour.

Daya has it too and it's my job to teach her to use it responsibly.

It Got Better

That chaotic anti-electronic energy is fixed. While I was soaking in a nice steamy bath last night, a helpful flash of insight told me to do a Triple Grid. It's been a very, very long time since I've done one. I really feel so much better now.

In about 15 minutes I am picking up my cd from the old memory card. The photo machine thingy crashed the first time I tried to order the cd, but all was well the second time so my Electronics Curse is officially over.

Electronically Cursed?

I feel like I have some sort of chaotic energy around me. Not good. It is apparently very bad for electronics, whatever it may be. I just feel prone to clumsy disaster right now. I do hope this goes away very soon.

Daya- my baby, my treasure- threw my cellphone into the bathtub. A dry bathtub. So now the display is all wonky. The phone works, and I'll be able to retrieve the numbers. Thankfully I don't have an expensive cell phone, so I was able to get the same one on ebay for very little.

But still. This is weird.

I have had a very expensive weekend. (Though I must say I am falling in love with my new camera.) Is Mercury in retrograde or something?

Hmmm... maybe I should get off the computer. (Dear computer, please don't explode.) Oh, and Daya is now banned from playing with my cellphone. She doesn't know it yet, and it might not go over very well.

I want to hook up my new camera and download pictures, but honest to goddess, I'm actually afraid to do it tonight.

Eulogy

"The good, the bad, the sane and the mad- 
all things must surely pass."

Today an old and very dear friend of mine met an untimely passing. The image of her newly-deceased corpse will forever remain in my mind.

To my Canon Powershot A40, I say thanks for all the memories.
In a surreal freak accident, which I had two pre-cognitive warnings about 10 minutes before it happened, my dinosaur digital camera jumped out of my hands, bounced three times, and landed in the duck pond at the Flushing Meadows Zoo.
The last picture she ever captured was of the water that took her life.
Thanks to Tom the Zookeepper, I recovered her. Got the batteries and the memory card out and THANK GODDESS they still work. So I will get a cd made of the images on the memory card, which amazingly enough is in perfect condition. I tested it to make sure...and what a relief!
Because I am completely neurotic about replacing things immediately, I bought a new camera. I'm a Canon girl, so I got the Canon Powershot A570 1S. 7.1 megapixels, versus 2.0 megapixels in my old model.
But the Powershot A40 was a fabulous camera. She took a good picture. I bought her in 2001, for more than I paid for my new camera today. She never had a case and suffered much abuse. She went a lot of places, met a lot of people, was dropped a few times, and took thousands of pictures. And except for a slight occasional difficulty with the flash, she worked perfectly. My new camera has a legacy to live up to.

What memories will my new camera capture, I wonder? I am looking forward to finding out.

May 2001 to April 2007

And here is the Last Picture:

Still Unpacking

I have out of town company staying over next week. I have discovered having people over is a great motivator to get stuff done. Like unpacking boxes from the move 5 months ago.

I finally finished unpacking my kitchen. And alas, my suspicion was confirmed- my food procesor blades must have been accidentally thrown out. I even know how it happened. Of course one of the lost ones was the expensive one. Of course. I ordered replacements because...well, what else can I do? $50. And unfortunately my particular machine only takes 3 blades. I was hoping to get a deal on ebay, and it seems I have the only Cuisinart food processor that does not have blades interchangeable with at least 1 other model. I'm sort of bummed about that. I wouldn't mind a better range of different cutting blades.