More Fur & I Hate AI

 Doug gave me an old huge wonderful tempered glass palette because he made new ones and we have an "overabundance" of palettes for class.

(Actually he gave me two, one is smaller)

So I decided to use this nice huge palette as my main oils palette, and wow is it a nice space to work on.

Last night I did another fur study.

I took the reference from Adobe stock, which I have a license to use as part of my creative cloud subscription.

I'm also still working with linseed oil only and getting used to that, and I brought out a bunch of Williamsburgs and Vasaris to play with because after all, why not use them?

Oh they are soooooo so nice.

So here is a cat fur study that took me exactly three hours.

That's just how long it took; I didn't have a set time or anything.

I painted it straight through and when I was done, I was done.

9x12 oil on arches paper

Here is the drawing, it's not too complicated:

I also pulled out the Vasari set of earth color tints I got in Jan 2020.

I'm going to start using them more and might even take them plein airing.

My nice comfy palette:

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Yesterday I got stuff done, including getting my hair chopped off.

I already knew I was overdue (I am always overdue) but those pictures from the ASL show on Monday had me saying oh my god... I look awful.

So my hair is all short now and it feels much better.

It's so easy to get lazy about stuff like this when mostly working from home.

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I got a comment on Facebook on the cat fur study:

"So AI."

From someone who owns three of my paintings and is my friend and I'm so upset someone would say that about my work.

I do not and have never used AI in any part of my artistic process, and I never will.

My reference is from Adobe, and I have a licensing right as part of my creative cloud subscription.

Adobe requires AI content to be labeled as such, and my reference is NOT AI.

I HATE AI.

It steals from artists, and humanity is losing the belief in it's own imagination and ability.

It's horrendous and heartbreaking to see.

Also, for as long as I can remember and still to this day, when someone who has never seen my work sees it for the first time, the reaction is always "YOU did that?"

Yeah, I just fucking told you I paint and you asked to see a painting.

Is it so unbelievable that I did something skilled?

So now I guess when I use my real actual imagination (Topiary Cats for example) which I have been doing my whole life and making up shit in my head and painting it is just a thing I can do, everyone is just going to think it's AI.

Well, fuck everyone.

I'm just going to keep painting even if it all just amounts to a big nothing because what else can I do?

It's AWFUL.

ASL Show

Tonight was the egg tempera class show at the League.
It was a nice time.

Daya came for a few minutes, and so did Grace, Hannah, and Janae.

Me and Doug, who is one of the best teachers and also one of the most amazing humans I have ever known.

Doug said some really nice things to me at the show, which ... coming from someone like him... really mean the world to me.

He says I have a ton of ability and also vision.

He says he can the teach technical stuff but not vision.

That actually is true; I can do that.

I can just pull images into my head out of nowhere, but one also needs the technical ability to do it properly. I do feel I fall a bit short technically, or I look too much at others' technical work and feel lacking.

But it was really good to hear that from Doug as I value his perspective so highly.

He's one of those ultra-evolved humans and I feel so fortunate to have his influence in my life.

Aside from the fact that I do keep up with my art and learning and practice, I feel like it mostly amounts to nothing other than I do it. 

And that is hard. 

I would like it to spread farther than it does, to be out in the world more than it is.  There are a lot of technically proficient painters out there who also have somehow managed to figure out the professional business of it.

My life has just never been set up for that to happen, and I don't have all that behind-the-scenes support that people have. 

I don't have the supportive family that seems to make everything possible for so many others.

I need my full time corporate job. 

There is so much that goes into people who actually make something of themselves other than being good (and sometimes not even that) at something.

Central Park Reservoir & My Pigment Library & Irrational Processing

I have had a very difficult week but I forced myself to go out and paint this morning.

It's been a while since I went up to the reservoir in Central Park to paint, so I did that.

8x10 oil

Then I took the bus down 5th Ave and got James Gurney's new book at Barnes and Noble.

(It's wonderful)

Then I went home for a little while, and went out again to the League to drop off paintings for our show which opens on Monday.

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I have had a terrible week.

Actually, all of 2025 has been kind of awful.

I really have had a particularly intense 6 weeks or so (including almost dying TWICE), even though everything is ok.

Last Sunday I must have been trying to feel a little better, and I went on a bit of a spontaneous decluttering frenzy.

And I threw out something that (probably should have been thrown out to be honest) I regretted....too late and after putting the trash out.

I had no idea it would hit me so hard.

I didn't know..... I'm just as surprised as anyone would be!

I think it was just a small thing that can tip an already-wobbly person over the edge.

AND ALSO as I realized... it all happened in those few days leading up to starting my cycle, which definitely makes everything worse.

I threw out a 25-year old garment that I literally haven't seen or thought about for YEARS- it was hiding in the bottom of a drawer. And I clearly remember what went through my mind..."wow I remember this!" you know that flash of old familiarity? and then "I do NOT need this 25-year old thing that I will never wear and haven't even thought about for more than 5 years..." and out it went.

AND I didn't take the trash out until the next day and I still didn't have a reaction.

And then it hit. 

And it hit HARD.

Of course it's impossible to not turn to the internets for processing advice, and it actually did help.

The most important thing I read from decluttering regrets is that usually when something like this happens, it's something about ourselves we need to grieve.

And that absolutely hits home and makes sense.

And while it is true that the garment probably needed to go, it's also true if I could go back in time and keep it I would.  For the sole reason that the timing of it was wrong.  I just didn't need yet something else to have to process. It's highly likely that if I discarded it at a time when I was doing a little better mentally, I wouldn't have cared.

And I didn't care about anything else I threw out.  Just this one small stupid thing.

And if I kept it I would have just forgotten about it again, guaranteed!

The mind is very irrational and it's so important to be gentle internally, and remember that what might seem small and stupid is actually something much larger and deeper.

It's actually a form of dissociation, which I am excellent at. (I'm a fawn-freeze trauma reaction person)

I do have a lot of trauma, and I dissociate.  This is something I have known about myself for a long time.

I just wish the timing of this was better.

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This week I cleaned out my bookcases, which I have been meaning to do for YEARS.

I knew I would find some interesting stuff in them, and I did, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I really only found one thing (from forever ago) that was very intense.... it was something I wrote (probably also about 25 years ago) about my mother and the time she put her hands around my throat and tried to choke me.

So yeah, I have some stuff coming up.

In addition to the current stuff with my mother, which I do not have an update for since I last wrote about it.

And maybe throwing that garment out was necessary in order for me to bring this stuff up and grieve for a certain part of my life and just get this stuff out. So I'm looking at it from many angles.

It's really hard to go through, but I do think I have good internal-processing skills & self care, and I know this, too, shall pass. It just hurts.

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I made a pigment library in my library with the extra space!

Here is the mess I made.... books for the trash, and books for The Strand!

I am not upset about any of this stuff-clearing, which is odd as I have always loved my books but I don't love any of these or it is time for them to move on.

I will be going to The Strand a lot; I think they'll likely take about 60-70 % of these books.

Fur Study

A few weeks ago I got a Jennifer Gennari course on Drawing America. 

She is a fantastic painter, specializing in animal portraits.

For a while I have been interested in seeing her workflow.

And since I went through the course, I have been wanting to try her workflow.

Interestingly it's very similar to how I have been working lately- oil only, no solvent.

She works in a VERY similar way to Patrick Okrasinski!

Here is Isis sleeping in the bathroom with her head upside-down, a big lump of fur.

This painting only took an hour and a half... I was surprised; I thought it would take longer.

The painting in the course was also done alla prima and took about the same amount of time.

9x12 oil

Her palette is also interesting and I approximated a few colors, which I definitely think are Good Enough.

Ivory Black

Venetian Red**

Fake Vermillion**

Alizarin

Cobalt Blue

Emerald Green**

Yellow Ochre

Cadmium yellow Light **

and Cremnitz White (lead)

Now, I'm all for fancy high-end oil paint but Ms Gennari beats me (and most people) with that.

If her system was my system and I was famous like she is, OR I was her student and only worked exactly how she works I would also use her exact palette.

Venetian Red **
She uses English Red which is the same thing.

I do have an actual "English Red" around somewhere but my Vasari Venetian Red is already out and it's the same pigment anyhow. They are interchangeable.

Fake Vermillion**

Oh my gosh she uses real Vermillion.... Michael Harding...

If you can find it, a great price is about $85 on Blick... Jerrys has it for $95 and the store at the League has it for $110 AND THEY ARE OUT OF STOCK. I think Rublev also makes genuine Vermillion.

Real Vermillion is also extremely poisonous and me myself personally...well, I don't think it is necessary.  I don't see the advantage. I'm gonna stick to my fake Lukas 1862 vermillion or Cadmium Red Light.

Emerald Green**

She uses a Michael Harding which is just a 3-pigment phthalo-based mix.

I have an old Utrecht tube that is exactly the same thing, same 3 pigments.

Cadmium Yellow Light **

Oh my gosh she uses ONLY Vasari Naples Yellow which is different (and better) than all other Naples Yellows in the whole entire world. It's about $71/tube and will last forever.

I kinda want one, to be honest.

...I could see myself getting it one of these days............

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I did pull out my Michael Harding Cremnitz. (pure lead)

It's been a couple of years since I used lead and it takes some getting used to from Titanium White.

I feel like I used way more white than Jennifer did in her video.

I had to refill my palette 3-4 times; she never had to.

Now I have to watch that course again and see what else I can get from it.

Back at Pinetum

21 degrees out today but no wind... a good day to go paint!

I went to Pinetum, which is one of my favorite places in Central Park.  I love how NYC has space specifically dedicated to pine trees!

Today I used only bristle brushes (all new ones) and only linseed oil.

I'm trying to get use to how the paint handles and how to work with it without solvent.

There is something wonderful about the texture and how the brush moves the paint around.

8x10 oil

Topiary Cats: Lighthouse 4

Here is another Topiary Cat Lighthouse.

9x12 oil

This painting was fun to do and not fun to photograph!

Topiary Cats: Lighthouse 3

I guess I am doing an unintentional series that develops as it goes... 

This is a bit unusual for the Topiary Cats, usually I spend a ton of time planning the whole thing from start to finish.

Here is Lighthouse 3, 9x12 oil

This one was fun to do.

I got to use colors I don't normally use from my ridiculous paint collection, and techniques I haven't used for a while.

This painting started as a grisaille:

I pulled out my Vasari Green Earths (except for my old tube of Mesa Verde which I should dig up) and also my Vasari earth reds and Ultramarine.

And my Old Holland Rose Dore extra, which is basically an exact match to the real thing.

I did a chart in 2013 which--- astoundingly--- I can't find on this blog but it is still over at Wet Canvas.

And in case anyone is wondering how many brushes I have bought this week to cope with life the answer is 4... Rosemary Ultimates.

Saint Margaret Whacks the Crap out of Beelzebub

Today I finished this painting in class.

It is based on Barna da Siena, 1340s.

8x10 egg tempera, prints & mugs & some other stuff available.

Everyone should have St Margaret in their life.

The original was in the Siena show.

Road Danger

I have had a terrible week and have been talking to a friend of mine.

She invited me to go to her house last night and drive up to Albany today to do a visit to Siena College for her daughter.

So I went to NJ and we left in the morning for Albany, which is about 2 1/2 hours away.

Doing college visits is super relaxing and chill when it isn't your kid!

Siena is very nice!

At first I was unimpressed, but then changed my mind completely... it's a lovely campus with a nice culture and the kids are really mellow and very friendly.

The campus is complete with medieval-looking Franciscan friars! 

Yes they wear the brown robes with the rope (over regular clothes), which to be honest I think looks very silly.

But the problem with today was a snowstorm coming up from the south late in the afternoon.

The snow was supposed to start around 4pm and go all night. Albany snow. Lots of snow.

Yes we both looked at the weather and yes I mentioned several we probably should get on the road...and we had planned to leave around 2pm which would have been mostly ok..... but we ran late.

To add an extra complication, my friend has a Tesla and we started with 100% charge and were down to 6 (six) % by the time we got to Albany so we had to charge the car.  That put an extra 45 mins or so on the trip.

The Tesla does not have winter tires and is absolutely not built to drive in snow and ice.

It was very, very dangerous and we were fish-tailing and sliding on the highway.

I have never in my life been so scared in a car.

But I kept very calm to give support to my friend, who was also very scared.

I think we were both keeping calm by downplaying how terrified we were.

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I called Daya.

I told her the situation, that we were driving down from Albany in a snowstorm and the roads were very dangerous and we had to drive very slow for safety. And because of that I would be severely delayed getting home and could she please stop home after work and feed the cats? 

She said no.

I said Daya I really need help.

She said I can't.

She said she was working til 9 (fine) and working at 9am the next morning.

But she has just finished going back and forth sleeping at home for a week and a half on a much tighter schedule for a cat-sitting job in our neighborhood. She could have done it; she just didn't want to.

No concern for the situation I was in.

I hung up.

And spent the next two hours wondering what would happen if something happened to me, because Daya wouldn't help me and my cats wouldn't have food.

It was bad.

I am still very upset that Daya would not help me.

Even in the event we had an accident with no injuries, there is no way I would have made it home.

So.... I'm really not doing ok with it.

I'm not upset at all with my friend, she was amazing with the driving!!!

She and I are still decompressing from the anxiety of that trip.

Miraculously by the time we got downstate a little, the heavy snow turned to rain, even though it was below freezing.  Also my weather app said we were in the middle of heavy snow even though it was rain. But then we worried about black ice and did skid a few times.

I firmly believe we had some help and prayers were answered.

I got home just after 11pm, several hours later than originally projected and my cats were upset and hungry. But at least I got home!!

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I don't ask for help often, and when I do it's because I really need help.

Throughout my life- since childhood...when I have asked for help I have often been told no.

For stuff like I'm carrying something too heavy to please let me in the locked house to please help me move out my (ex) husband just gave me a death threat to...please help me and feed the cats because I'm in danger...

It's these experiences that solidify what I have learned about life that words can never overcome.

Met Sketching & Updates

Last night I met up with a friend from egg tempera class to go sketch at the Met.

We ended up in the Roman galleries, and I sketched that goddess bust- again... this time in Procreate.

It's ok, probably a ton of drawing issues.

Zoe and I both decided the lighting on the statue from my vantage point is weird.

I haven't sketched in Procreate in forever, and it was nice.

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I got a face time tour of my mother's house yesterday.

It's exactly the same as it was 15 years ago except worse.

I do not have to go down there, which I'm glad about, but I would if I had to.

I don't want anything from the house; I can't.

It's such bad energy and I can't have anything from there in my space.

It's a lot to process, but at the same time it's not that bad.

It's sad and I am also very angry at the whole thing, but I am just letting my feelings be when I have them, and they don't last long. I am giving myself the space I need.

I want the whole thing to be over.

Astoundingly, my mother's labs came back normal.

Well except from the mental damage caused by the strokes.

Everyone was shocked.

She has written sticky notes in shorthand on important documents and no one can read it.

This is also not a surprise because she's been doing that my whole life.

But it's a shitty thing to do on important documents that other people have to deal with.

Her mental illness has had a deep and profound effect on my life in every possible way, and none of it is good. It's a foundational early-patterning childhood kind of deep.

A couple of months ago I spoke with someone who said their grandmother killed herself when their mother was a small child, and how that impacted their mother, who never got help.  

And they grew up hearing their mother talk about her own death, and how that impacted them deeply.

Only then did I realize- minus a grandmother committing suicide- I also grew up with a suicidal mother who talked constantly about wanting to be dead. Definitely from about when I was 9-10 years old. Before then I don't know, there was too much family drama happening. She wasn't right in the head though. And it never occurred to me that this was impactful. I have normalized it so much I dismissed it. 

She blamed me for her troubles, very directly.

She did NOT like me, at all, and she told me so on many occasions.

There was no interpretive guessing game with that.

I'm realizing things I never did before, and I'm remembering things I haven't thought about in decades.

It's not the kind of stuff to just "not let it bother you"... which is a bullshit thing to say to someone anyhow.

I'm a stable emotionally mature adult, I have been through a lot of therapy, and it's all ok but is still a lot to process. It's amazing how things come up that were settled and buried for so long. And it's ok that I have my thoughts and feelings. This is a lot and shouldn't just be dismissed.

Lighthouse 2

This painting has been on my easel since November.

Total painting time about 15 hours, and lots of waiting for layers to dry.

14x18 oil