Back at Pinetum

21 degrees out today but no wind... a good day to go paint!

I went to Pinetum, which is one of my favorite places in Central Park.  I love how NYC has space specifically dedicated to pine trees!

Today I used only bristle brushes (all new ones) and only linseed oil.

I'm trying to get use to how the paint handles and how to work with it without solvent.

There is something wonderful about the texture and how the brush moves the paint around.

8x10 oil

Topiary Cats: Lighthouse 4

Here is another Topiary Cat Lighthouse.

9x12 oil

This painting was fun to do and not fun to photograph!

Topiary Cats: Lighthouse 3

I guess I am doing an unintentional series that develops as it goes... 

This is a bit unusual for the Topiary Cats, usually I spend a ton of time planning the whole thing from start to finish.

Here is Lighthouse 3, 9x12 oil

This one was fun to do.

I got to use colors I don't normally use from my ridiculous paint collection, and techniques I haven't used for a while.

This painting started as a grisaille:

I pulled out my Vasari Green Earths (except for my old tube of Mesa Verde which I should dig up) and also my Vasari earth reds and Ultramarine.

And my Old Holland Rose Dore extra, which is basically an exact match to the real thing.

I did a chart in 2013 which--- astoundingly--- I can't find on this blog but it is still over at Wet Canvas.

And in case anyone is wondering how many brushes I have bought this week to cope with life the answer is 4... Rosemary Ultimates.

Saint Margaret Whacks the Crap out of Beelzebub

Today I finished this painting in class.

It is based on Barna da Siena, 1340s.

8x10 egg tempera, prints & mugs & some other stuff available.

Everyone should have St Margaret in their life.

The original was in the Siena show.

Road Danger

I have had a terrible week and have been talking to a friend of mine.

She invited me to go to her house last night and drive up to Albany today to do a visit to Siena College for her daughter.

So I went to NJ and we left in the morning for Albany, which is about 2 1/2 hours away.

Doing college visits is super relaxing and chill when it isn't your kid!

Siena is very nice!

At first I was unimpressed, but then changed my mind completely... it's a lovely campus with a nice culture and the kids are really mellow and very friendly.

The campus is complete with medieval-looking Franciscan friars! 

Yes they wear the brown robes with the rope (over regular clothes), which to be honest I think looks very silly.

But the problem with today was a snowstorm coming up from the south late in the afternoon.

The snow was supposed to start around 4pm and go all night. Albany snow. Lots of snow.

Yes we both looked at the weather and yes I mentioned several we probably should get on the road...and we had planned to leave around 2pm which would have been mostly ok..... but we ran late.

To add an extra complication, my friend has a Tesla and we started with 100% charge and were down to 6 (six) % by the time we got to Albany so we had to charge the car.  That put an extra 45 mins or so on the trip.

The Tesla does not have winter tires and is absolutely not built to drive in snow and ice.

It was very, very dangerous and we were fish-tailing and sliding on the highway.

I have never in my life been so scared in a car.

But I kept very calm to give support to my friend, who was also very scared.

I think we were both keeping calm by downplaying how terrified we were.

**********

I called Daya.

I told her the situation, that we were driving down from Albany in a snowstorm and the roads were very dangerous and we had to drive very slow for safety. And because of that I would be severely delayed getting home and could she please stop home after work and feed the cats? 

She said no.

I said Daya I really need help.

She said I can't.

She said she was working til 9 (fine) and working at 9am the next morning.

But she has just finished going back and forth sleeping at home for a week and a half on a much tighter schedule for a cat-sitting job in our neighborhood. She could have done it; she just didn't want to.

No concern for the situation I was in.

I hung up.

And spent the next two hours wondering what would happen if something happened to me, because Daya wouldn't help me and my cats wouldn't have food.

It was bad.

I am still very upset that Daya would not help me.

Even in the event we had an accident with no injuries, there is no way I would have made it home.

So.... I'm really not doing ok with it.

I'm not upset at all with my friend, she was amazing with the driving!!!

She and I are still decompressing from the anxiety of that trip.

Miraculously by the time we got downstate a little, the heavy snow turned to rain, even though it was below freezing.  Also my weather app said we were in the middle of heavy snow even though it was rain. But then we worried about black ice and did skid a few times.

I firmly believe we had some help and prayers were answered.

I got home just after 11pm, several hours later than originally projected and my cats were upset and hungry. But at least I got home!!

**********

I don't ask for help often, and when I do it's because I really need help.

Throughout my life- since childhood...when I have asked for help I have often been told no.

For stuff like I'm carrying something too heavy to please let me in the locked house to please help me move out my (ex) husband just gave me a death threat to...please help me and feed the cats because I'm in danger...

It's these experiences that solidify what I have learned about life that words can never overcome.

Met Sketching & Updates

Last night I met up with a friend from egg tempera class to go sketch at the Met.

We ended up in the Roman galleries, and I sketched that goddess bust- again... this time in Procreate.

It's ok, probably a ton of drawing issues.

Zoe and I both decided the lighting on the statue from my vantage point is weird.

I haven't sketched in Procreate in forever, and it was nice.

*********

I got a face time tour of my mother's house yesterday.

It's exactly the same as it was 15 years ago except worse.

I do not have to go down there, which I'm glad about, but I would if I had to.

I don't want anything from the house; I can't.

It's such bad energy and I can't have anything from there in my space.

It's a lot to process, but at the same time it's not that bad.

It's sad and I am also very angry at the whole thing, but I am just letting my feelings be when I have them, and they don't last long. I am giving myself the space I need.

I want the whole thing to be over.

Astoundingly, my mother's labs came back normal.

Well except from the mental damage caused by the strokes.

Everyone was shocked.

She has written sticky notes in shorthand on important documents and no one can read it.

This is also not a surprise because she's been doing that my whole life.

But it's a shitty thing to do on important documents that other people have to deal with.

Her mental illness has had a deep and profound effect on my life in every possible way, and none of it is good. It's a foundational early-patterning childhood kind of deep.

A couple of months ago I spoke with someone who said their grandmother killed herself when their mother was a small child, and how that impacted their mother, who never got help.  

And they grew up hearing their mother talk about her own death, and how that impacted them deeply.

Only then did I realize- minus a grandmother committing suicide- I also grew up with a suicidal mother who talked constantly about wanting to be dead. Definitely from about when I was 9-10 years old. Before then I don't know, there was too much family drama happening. She wasn't right in the head though. And it never occurred to me that this was impactful. I have normalized it so much I dismissed it. 

She blamed me for her troubles, very directly.

She did NOT like me, at all, and she told me so on many occasions.

There was no interpretive guessing game with that.

I'm realizing things I never did before, and I'm remembering things I haven't thought about in decades.

It's not the kind of stuff to just "not let it bother you"... which is a bullshit thing to say to someone anyhow.

I'm a stable emotionally mature adult, I have been through a lot of therapy, and it's all ok but is still a lot to process. It's amazing how things come up that were settled and buried for so long. And it's ok that I have my thoughts and feelings. This is a lot and shouldn't just be dismissed.

Lighthouse 2

This painting has been on my easel since November.

Total painting time about 15 hours, and lots of waiting for layers to dry.

14x18 oil

"Train Air Painting" & Coping

A few emails were going around between my uptown plein air friends, and Francis mentioned he was going to paint in the 181st St A train station. He invited us to join.

This was the first time painting in the train- despite wanting to for a very long time. 

It's interesting because there is so much in the environment to work with, and different compositions than can be found in the parks or on the streets.

It was fun to be uncomfortable, and important, too.

I decided on my view and composition, then changed my mind last-minute and painted a portrait of Francis painting instead.

8x10 oil, 2 hours

*****

Some notes: I didn't bring or use any solvent because I'm trying to get used to that workflow.  

I missed solvent a LOT for the block-in. I struggled. The reason I am not using solvent is not due to any philosophical or health issue, it's simply because I'm studying workflows of a couple people right now who don't use it. It's solely due to a learning process.

I was originally going to paint this and I still want to:

I like that it's the A train, and I wanted the challenge of keying the whole painting to the fluorescent lights.  Next time.

Painting start:

*******

After painting, I got on the downtown A.

At 175th St, a man got on who kept kneeling down and .... kissing the floor of the train... then he stood up and did it again... over and over and over....

And my initial thought was "oh good, someone is weirder than I am."

********

I am coping with life right now* and have come to the realization that one of the ways I cope with life is buying brushes.

It's ok; it could be a lot worse.

Patrick Okrasinski uses these, and I spent $26.

Yes, I really am that boring.

********

* Life that I am Coping With

I got another call yesterday.

My mother had another stroke.

This one caused her to fall and she was laying on the floor (we don't know how because there's not enough space in her hoarded house for anyone to lay on the floor) for 4 or 5 DAYS before the mail piled up and the neighbors called the cops for a well-check.

She's still alive, unbelievably, and in the hospital.

It has been determined that she is incapable of making any decisions for herself (duh) and she will go... somewhere??... next week probably after leaving the hospital.

She is pissed off beyond belief at still being alive, and also now she thinks it's 2005.

I do not need to see her before she dies.

I just want it to be all over with. It's time for this horrible awful situation to end, for everyone.

All this junk that has been in the background of my life is coming to the foreground and it's a little bit to process. I am doing that and it is ok but it's just something to go through.

Amazing

Last week sometime (when it was bitter cold out) I heard a strange loud BANG coming from my bathroom.

It was weird enough that I went to check, but everything seemed ok.

So I forgot about it.

Until this morning... I noticed the window in my bathroom had a rather large crack.

It went all the way through the glass.

That must have been what I heard, and I just didn't notice it until today.

The window has been closed but I opened it this morning and that's when I saw the crack.

It's hard to see if the light doesn't hit it just so.

Apparently, glass can crack from cold temperatures.

I texted the super, who came to check it out.

He called "the glass people" and can you believe it, within TWO HOURS the glass was replaced.

I can't believe how fast and easy that was!

The Virgin of the Dry Tree

Finally, this painting is done.

I have been working on it since early November in egg tempera class.

It was a VERY difficult painting and i'm glad to be done!

The Virgin of the Dry Tree

after Petrus Christus, ca 1465

9x12 egg tempera

(the original is tiny, I don't know how those artists worked SO small.. this was hard enough on a 9x12 panel!)

*****

Some progress shots:

Patchy Snow

I'm not doing too great, yesterday was very hard... some stuff with Daya and I got an update on my mother who will probably die this year... but no one knows for sure. Although it wouldn't be surprising at all.  I'll have to deal with that mess and there is a lot of it, in all the forms a mess can be.

Tonight was our annual boathouse party, and I also needed to go out and paint.

I went to Roosevelt Island to find what I could find.

I found my composition a little unexpectedly and decided it was cool and just go with it.

The buildings in the back were intentionally left out... they would have worked compositionally but would have changed the mood.

Overall I am very happy with this painting.

8x10 oil

The interesting thing about the scene was the sky was the lightest value- even lighter than the highlights in the snow.

So that's what I focused on. I liked the patchy clouds along with the patchy snow.

Graeme is retiring from helping run the boathouse and there were Graeme cupcakes at the party.

It was great to see everyone and a nice time.

I left a little early because I was feeling a little overloaded and out of sorts, and also I didn't want to get home too late.

But it's very good I went out today and especially went painting.