Drawing from Today

For figure drawing lately, I like black and white charcoal on toned paper... I have done this for the last couple of sessions but next time I'm going to mix it up and do something different.  Maybe I will bring pastels.

I also used those new pencils from Jerry's I got a little while back.

9x12 on Strathmore gray toned paper.

End of Week

Weekends have been very hard lately.
I am going to figure drawing tomorrow, just to get out and practice a bit.

Ailey FINALLY got Daya tired.  She is ok with a class or rehearsal in the evenings here and there, but not if it is late.  She starts losing it by 7:30, and is really done by 8pm.  We both learned the hard way that if she goes home and rests before a late rehearsal, she can't get back up.

Seventh grade is finished as of this past Tuesday- last Friday for Daya.
We don't have her report card yet because I have to pick it up at school...hopefully next week.

The noise from upstairs- the BLASTING music is throwing my anxiety through the roof and affecting me really badly.  The tenants renewed their lease this past March and I was pretty upset about it.  The noise is literally making me crazy.  They are nice people though, and I shared my feelings and situation with them.... hopefully it will be considered and they will do something to reduce the noise.

Today it was still bugging me so I wrote them a letter as a follow-up and sent a copy to the landlord.

I wish NYC had better noise guidelines and enforcement- it is the number 1 thing everyone complains about from neighbors.  I can take normal noise with no problem.  But pounding drums and bass on full volume... no.  They freely admit they like their music on max volume.  This is just not a good building for that due to zero insulation and neighbors who care.

Driving is going very well.  I have been driving for 4 hours a week.  Yesterday I was driving in the streets and doing mostly ok.  I'm not near ready to be unsupervised but I'll get there.  I can't wait to be able to drive on my own.

I should be painting but I lack the heart to do much of anything, really.  That doesn't mean I won't, but it is a lot harder.

The weather is terrible, in the 90s.  YUCK.

Did you know Amazon Prime has several Japanese drama series?  I. Love. Them.  Even though they are so incredibly melodramatic and sappy... I love them!!!

Ailey

Daya's Alvin Ailey summer intensive started on Monday and she loves it.

They are doing level assessment all week, and Daya is hoping to be moved up as she thinks her classes are too easy. Her jazz teacher pulled her aside yesterday and said he was making a note to see if she should be moved up.

It is a fantastic environment.  Daya has only found one other person from NYC.  Everyone is from all over the country, and there are also several international students.  There were fewer students in orientation than there were at her audition!!!!  And Ailey goes around the country looking for people to attend the intensive.  So I'm very proud that she got in.

Ailey hours are 9-3 and I was all worried about her being tired AND SHE IS NOT TIRED.

So her evening competition rehearsals are probably ok, and she's going to take acro at the studio Thursday evenings.

I can't believe she isn't tired.

Maybe evening rehearsals after Ailey will make her tired?

Matthew, an Oil Sketch

A couple of months ago I wanted to do oil sketch practice portraits...and Carey had posted some pics of her kids.  I asked her if I could paint Matthew and she said yes.

The intention for this was not to be a long painting, but an alla prima sketch, one sitting. Quick.

The first one I did was a total bomb because the drawing was off.  And it was also taking forever.  So I scrapped the panel and started over.  I did the drawing in charcoal and it has been sitting around for several weeks waiting to be re-painted.

Which I did today.

Kids are very, very difficult- the younger the harder, and it is a bit nerve-wracking to show the painting to the child's mom...but I made Carey promise we would still be friends anyhow.

For what this is, I am pleased with it.  It fulfilled my intentions of being a sketchy alla prima oil child portrait.  This is hard stuff and I should practice more. I learned a lot doing this little painting. Mainly, if something looks weird, that something might be fine but something else around it might be off, making it look weird.  That happened a few times.

8x10 oil on panel, 4 1/2 hours-ish.

The palette is very simple.
I used my Williamsburg Italian earths, a Rembrandt ivory black, Vasari ruby red, Ultramarine blue, and good old fashioned flake white.  There is nothing like lead for skin tones, especially for a child.  I wanted the look and feel that lead brings.  Lead is toxic in powdered form, if inhaled or ingested, but I don't see any issue at all painting with it.

The charcoal drawing for placements.

(I had to fix the shoulder)

Solstice

In celebration of the summer solstice, and also in preparation to start her Alvin Ailey intensive on Monday, Daya went to the emergency room in a neck brace.

She fell off a swing at the playground and landed on her head.

Since it was a head injury and her neck was hurting, we had to go to the hospital in an ambulance.

Not only was I really scared, I was really angry because I know she was likely doing something a little dumb.

I wasn't there so I didn't see it happen.

And it is fine that she was at the playground on her own, she always is.

Thankfully she was right across the street from Eva, and she went right there.

Daya has so much happening right now, and to mess it all up by falling off a damn swing.........

In the hospital...... after the doctor did an exam and Daya could turn her neck with no pain, and she said she was starting to feel better, I stopped being worried.  In fact, she made a complete recovery in the four hours we were stuck in the hospital.  They didn't even call for an xray or any scans.

Daya got very, very lucky and I made sure she knew it.

While waiting to be released, we got bored.

Then they made me pay $191.64 and we left.

Seriously, VERY LAST THING I need right now.

This has been such a hard year.

But I am intensely relieved Daya is fine.

Mudcrabs

Carey and I had a painting date last night to get us both moving.

I have not really had the motivation to paint, and I still don't, but I forced my way through this one.

Started last night and finished today; it took a lot longer than I hoped.

I needed to do a low-stress easy painting, and I thought that might help me get my painting vibes back, but it didn't this time.  Sometimes that does work though.

Mudcrabs

9x12 pastel (all Unisons) on Mi Tientes.

I am still making friends with smooth paper.

Some progress shots.

Spare Floor & Poster

This past Sunday the dance teams performed in the annual street fair.

Then they went to hang out at the studio's street booth.

In front of the booth were 2 spare bits of floor from the studio so the kids could show off, do dance stuff, and hand out flyers.

Daya enjoyed handing out flyers:

I left her there to do her thing, and she had rehearsal after.

When Daya got home I opened the door to see this:

Ms. Rysa gave Daya one of the spare floor bits.  Daya asked if she could have it...and she got it!

There has never been a child so excited about a piece of spare floor.

Daya carried it home on the subway by herself, (it is big and weighs around 30lbs!)  so now she has a good story about Carrying Weird Things on the train and getting really strange looks from everyone.

She is very proud of this.

As soon as she got home she scrubbed that floor front and back, put her jazz shoes on, and practiced turns.

WHY DID SHE WANT THE FLOOR?

This is a good question since we have wood floors and that's what is in dance studios right?

The spare floor is made of something called marley and is (apparently) better for practicing turns because it is less slick than wood.  The studio doesn't use rosin on shoes because it messes up the floor.  One of the floors there is wood but the other floor is this marley stuff which is apparently special dance floor material or something.

Now Daya has a marley floor from the studio to practice turns.

*****

I have been on painting break since May was so crazy.  I did 2 paintings and a poster for the studio.  It was ;printed on metal and was presented by the teachers to the owner as a 10th anniversary gift.

The image was a collaboration.   I added some design input and put the whole thing together in photoshop.  It was a lot of work but it came out nice and they love it.

Facing Major Fears

I have a fear that it is time to face.

Driving.

I was told by everyone when I was growing up- including an eye doctor- that I would not be able to drive, that it wasn't an option in my life.  And that's why I came to NYC and stayed here, and that's ok I don't regret it.

But driving- and not being able to do it- has left me with a feeling of being trapped.
I wrote a bit about it here.

As I get older this bothers me more and more.  And it's really a major head-thing to get around.

I found out in 2006 that I could get a drivers license and I did. Everyone was wrong who said I couldn't.
And I haven't driven since that test.
I don't know how to drive.
I'm REALLY SCARED because I don't trust my eyes.
I really only have one that works, my right eye is Moral Support Only.

HOWEVER.

I went to the eye doctor this week and since my license is up for renewal, I asked him about the vision form and if I can renew. He said yes but it has to be a restricted license.

He filled out a form for me which I have mailed to medical review in Albany.
They will send me a letter back and I have to bring that to the DMV.

It is a restricted license in that I can only drive in daylight, but that is better than nothing.

SO.
I sat myself down and said--- Jessica, your eye dr says you can drive and the state of NY says you can drive so why aren't you?

I answered myself that I really don't know how and I'm very scared because of my eyes.

To which I said, 'You just need the right teacher. You need someone to spend a lot of time with you and work with you.  Someone used to working with people who are scared.  Someone who will be able to make any adjustments you might need and be very patient.  Not a driving school, you already did that and even though you passed the test, it wasn't enough.  So you need to find someone who can spend a lot of time and knows how to teach."

I looked on craigslist AND I FOUND SOMEONE.

He teaches driving privately, is used to working with nervous people, and he will spend as much time with me as I want.  I told him about my eyes and he says it's fine!  So I'm probably going to be his best client for a while, and I'll figure out the money.

Tuesday is my first lesson!!!

I AM GOING TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE FOR REALS!!!!!!!!!!!

Releasing Paintings

I released a painting and I'm sad about it.
I should not be sad about it, and I didn't think I would be.
Nor do I have any clue why I am sad about it.

Recital was yesterday and we raffle off stuff for fundraising.  I donated a painting...this one:

Dusk in Auridon
9x12 pastel

Someone named Paul bought a bunch of raffle tickets and was so! excited! about the painting-- I didn't meet him but one of the other moms told me.

And I love making other people happy with my art!

Releasing the painting was absolutely the right thing to do, some paintings need to go out into the world and it sure wasn't doing anything in my home.

Now it will be loved and appreciated and it made someone happy.
What is better than that?

So why is it surprisingly bittersweet?

When I start a painting that I know is destined to leave, I am never sad about releasing it.
I'm happy to do so.
I have sold paintings before that I didn't know would go when I painted them, and I wasn't sad about them either.  I was happy to see them go.

I do have paintings I will never sell, I think we all do.

And there isn't anything particularly personal about this painting.  It doesn't have any particular significance.  I knocked it out in 2 hours last December while on vacation.  It is from a screenshot from Elder Scrolls Online.

And before anyone says, oh just paint another- yeah I could but it is highly unlikely I will.
I don't make duplicates of my own work.  It doesn't feel right to me.  Besides, I already painted this image.  There are others waiting.

Being an artist is really weird.

(I asked Carey if she ever experienced this and she said yes.  Of course she understood.)

Aesthetics of Painting and Photography

These are just some thoughts that are my own opinion and perspective as a painter about painting and photography, why they are different, and why no one seems to know they are different.

They are both art forms, but they are different media and not necessarily interchangeable.

If you don't believe me, ask yourself "Why is it so hard to photograph a painting?"
Because we all know it is.
Because a camera can't get everything.

******
A good photograph does not necessarily translate into a good painting.
This is something that people learning to paint from photographs often discover the hard way.

The other day on Facebook someone posted a photo as reference for a portrait commission, asking for advice.  It was a very nice professional photograph, and it would make a terrible painting.

This situation is so common.

WHY?
* Lighting.  Lighting in a painting is so important, most especially in a portrait.  You want good lights and good shadows.  A well-done professional portrait photograph is fully lit from all angles.  This is great for photography and awful for painting.

*Composition: As a painter we really have to think about what makes up a good composition. It needs a focal point, it needs shadow and light, it needs to convey something unique. A snapshot where you can see someone's face is just that- a snapshot.  A painting wants to be more than that.

******
Paint can do things photography cannot do.
When working from photographs, information is lost. A camera has one eye and so we have to know about and correct lens distortion.  Additionally, a painter must choose what to focus on and a lot of that is done in edges.  Paint can capture subtle details that one generally does not see in photography.

Look at these paintings, none are mine.

Katherine Stone

She is so good it is sick.

This is representational painting at its finest.

This is painting aesthetic, this is what paint does.

Anna Rose Bain

She is also so good it is sick.

I don't think a camera could ever replicate her work.

Jeremy Lipking

IMHO Jeremy Lipking is one of the top 5 greatest living painters.

I have had the pleasure of seeing Jeremy Lipking's work in person, and I assure you, it is drop-dead amazing in a way that no photograph of his paintings can ever convey.

And his work is photographed by the best of the best.  It comes close but the real thing just blows you away.

******

Your painting looks like a photograph!

Painters don't really say this to each other. People who don't really understand painting say it, and it is a nice compliment, well-intended and appreciated, but if another painter said this to me I would think something was wrong with my painting.

WHY?

Because the intention of most representational painting is not to look like a photograph.

The intention is to look like real life.

That's why we work from life. That's why we observe so closely.

That's why we study.

A photograph is the interpretation of real life through a camera lens.

A painting is the interpretation and representation of the real world through the human eye.

It is more direct.

The skill set needed to create the painting is much different.than a photographer's skill set.

Have you ever said to a musician playing live music, "Wow, you sound just like a recording!" ?

Probably not, and this is the best way I know of to sum up why "It looks like a photograph!" is....., well, I love when people like my work, and I truly appreciate when people make the effort to compliment, but if you really want to appreciate a painter's work, maybe leave photography out of it.

A photograph is NOT the highest attainable standard to represent the real world.

The real world itself is.

A good representational painting does strive to be lifelike- as compared to the real world, not a photograph.  Even if we do use a photo reference....believe me, all that working from life practice and training gets used.  I can tell, for the most part, when someone has faithfully rendered a photograph and they have never worked from life. It .... looks like a photograph....and in this context that's not really a good thing because they have copied all the errors the photograph may have had, and the lighting is flat.

*****

So this is a bit long and congrats if you made it to the end.

Truly, nothing makes me happier than making someone else happy with my work.  And it is always good to be gracious and accept a well-intended compliment for what it is.  But now you have some insight into the mind of a painter who would never say that to another painter, and why.

Happy, a Medieval Dog Portrait

Here is a portrait of Happy.

Happy was Cathy's dog, he passed on a few years ago.

I'm going to see Cathy today, and her brand new house that has been in the works for YEARS.

This painting is a housewarming gift for her.

9x12 pastel on pastelmat

Lots of Panpastels, Mungyo semi-hards, pastel pencils, and Senneliers.

Inspired by The Hours of Mary of Burgundy, c 1477.

The copper Panpastel and iridescent Sennelier is hard to work over...actually you can't layer over it at all except with Senneliers, which are very soft.

*********

Here are some progress shots:

Oregon Trail

Daya has been playing the very retro game Oregon Trail in school. (from 1990!)

Last night she was telling me about it, and she showed me the site they were using at school.

So obviously I had to play immediately.

Daya was telling me how hard it is, etc etc etc, then she went off to dance and I went off to Oregon.

AND NOT ONLY DID I NOT DIE, NO ONE IN MY PARTY DIED, AND I MADE TOP TEN on my first try!

Here is the link, if you want to play.

Area of Bruise

Daya has a bad bruise on her forehead due to a series of unfortunate events resulting in hitting the same place three times over a couple of days.

It is a large round bruise and it hurts.

So she did what anyone would do... she calculated its area.

(Which is 2 inches. With a diameter of 1.5 inches...)

Fabulous Pencils

I got a swag bag a while back from Jerry's for their plein air contest.

Since I have been back to figure drawing, my focus on drawing has gotten a nice reboot.

Anyhow, in the swag bag there was a Jerry's Jumbo Jet charcoal pencil, a black one.

I pulled it out the other day and remembered how nice it was.

THEN Jerry's posted a sale on these pencils on Instagram, so I went and got the Sepia, Sanguine, and White.  That's the full range.  They are probably around an HB in hardness, which is good for those of us who go too dark too quickly.

Jerry's is doing another plein air event in July, not a contest this year, but there will be swag bags and I must get one! :)

100

My grandmother was born 100 years ago today!

Figure Drawing

Some figure drawings from today.

I worked 11x14, charcoal, didn't feel like carrying my large papers around.

\\\

Why My Eyes are Stupid

I'm not even sure why or how I got to this article, you know how reading one article on the internet leads to another...but it is a seriously good explanation of why my eyes might be so bad without a genetic history of vision problems.  And why Daya's eyes are fine.

And also why my eyes are much worse than my sister's eyes, which are also not great but not nearly as bad as mine.

I know my mother smoked a lot when I was little, and it wasn't a new habit. It it is also likely she smoked more during her second pregnancy (me) than her first.

*****Looking up the link between smoking during pregnancy and the effects on vision returns a TON of research directly linking my specific eye issues (and others) with cigarettes. Being born cross-eyed (strabismus), high refraction index (bad nearsightedness), abnormal blood vessels (yes) retinal issues (thank goodness not currently but my left one detached when I was a kid), I have ocular hypertension too from all of it because pretty much my eyes didn't develop properly due to the cigarettes and everything is wonky.

I always wondered why, always suspected some factor about my mother's pregnancies, and there it is.

Though I don't come from tall people I am a good 2" shorter than the next shortest person and that's almost certainly from the cigarettes too.

Being short I don't mind..... but my eyes.... it really has been and continues to be a big struggle and has massively affected my life in many ways.

Oh, I know it could be worse... AIDS, crack, heroin, fetal alcohol syndrome..... but it still really stinks.  Especially because it's bad enough that I can't drive.

*****
I think my mother knew, and maybe the cigarettes were something she hid from everyone. While I was growing up she was constantly bringing up how she did everything right and perfect when she was pregnant. In hindsight, and knowing her inability to accept responsibility for anyhing, of course she would want to constantly proclaim her innocence and make sure someone else got “blamed”. She always tried to say it was my father’s fault because his mother had glaucoma in old age.  He rejected that. 

Maz, a Medieval Cat Portrait

9x12 pastel on pastelmat.

Maz was Ginny's cat, she is another mom at the dance studio.

I got to use my gold Senneliers and my gold panpastels.

Inspired by the Hours of Mary of Burgundy, a book of hours c 1477.

Some progress shots:

Drawing

Pan pastel underpainting

                                              


Background done, pans senns, unisons.
I used a lot of mungyo semi- hards for the cat too.

 

Ballet Cures Intestinal Parasites

Last night I collected Daya from class.  She was in good spirits and told me her legs were much better after ballet. 

Actually, what she said was that ballet is the cure for intestinal parasites.

I understand this needs explanation.

Daya and I have been playing The Long Dark, one of my all-time favorite games- and in her game she contracted intestinal parasites.

So that means that everything wrong with her, every single complaint, is due to intestinal parasites, including the muscle shock she sustained on Monday from parkour.  This will be the case until she fixes it in her game.

This morning her legs still hurt- they are gradually getting better but I guess the intestinal parasites multiplied overnight again.

16 - 8 = 12

Daya says May is a bad month.  She has been saying this since May 2.
In April she was saying how May was going to be a GREAT month.... well, I guess it has time to turn around for her.

Her school is offering parkour after school Mondays from this week to June 11, and of course Daya wanted to sign up.  She went on Monday and had a blast...and by the time she got home she couldn't walk.

Which is kind of a problem.

Something had to be wrong, it isn't like Daya to be out of commission after physical activity.  But apparently she was landing jumps improperly from heights and the shock went all up her legs and she is in significant pain.  She knows what she did wrong and how to avoid it in the future, but in the meantime she has a lot of muscle shock.

This is a problem because she still has to dance and recital is in a few weeks.
I gave her 4 advil before class last night and told her she just has to get through it somehow.

When I picked her up after class she was distraught.  Crying.  Also in a lot of pain. Apparently Ms Shauna reduced a part of the dance- for Daya- from 16 turns to 8.  Daya decided it was a personal failure on her part.

The truth is that her series of 16 turns wasn't quite "there" last week either.  Even though Daya really has been practicing a lot, and she was excited about it.  But it is better to do 8 clean turns than 16 sloppy turns.

Still, Daya was distraught about it. She is taking it hard, but the truth is that she can't be doing that.

****
Ms Shauna was nice enough to talk to Daya for a minute after class, and I'm glad I was there too.
This is where I had to remind Daya that she is only 12 years old- and dancing in a class with girls who are 14, 15, 16 years old.  At this age, that's a HUGE difference in development.  She can't really expect to be at the same developmental level as a 15 year old, even if they are in the same class.  So what if she can't pull off 16 clean turns- YET- she still gets to do 8.  This is very difficult stuff!! The fact that she's even IN the class- for the second year, too- is a major accomplishment in itself.

She is judging herself against girls who are older and have been dancing longer. She thinks she should be there too but the fact is that she's simply just too young to be there yet. 

****
Just because a child is advanced in some areas doesn't mean they are advanced in all areas.  In general, kids who are advanced are also behind in other areas.  I'm not worried about it because it's just part of growing up, and again, she's only 12 years old-- no 12 year old is emotionally mature- but she'll be fine.  It's just a matter of time and age.

****
The truth is that if Daya wants to pursue dance seriously, she has to toughen up emotionally.  So that's how I approach this stuff.  In that world, no one cares how you feel.  Seriously, no one cares.  People get moved all the time.  They get roles, they don't get roles, they get rejected, they have a role then lose it... that's what she is signing up for as a dancer.  You don't get to have an "off" day when performing. You don't get the luxury of emotion affecting performance.  Add a good amount of physical pain into that, and that's what being a dancer is about.

The irony is that if she was in Ms Shauna's place she would be exactly like Ms Shauna.

****
There is a lot of cool stuff happening this month, so I hope Daya's legs stop hurting (she has to get through class tonight as well) and her mind flips around to better thoughts.

Number Four

Well, Daya killed another pair of pointe shoes, and she needed a fitting. So we went over to Bloch because she wanted to switch brands.

It's a nice store and they spent a lot of time with her.  Dancers know their shoes and I just stay out of it because it isn't my thing- and I'm clueless about it.  I understand it though, because I'm like that with paint.

Figure Drawing

I went back to figure drawing, finally.

Starting up again has always been a goal of mine through all of Daya's too-young years. And then it has been a matter of money, as it is $20 to go and that can add up fast. But anyhow I'm making it work out and it was good to draw again.

 I love the versatility of simple tools... Charcoal. Graphite. Conte. Getting back to life drawing is something I just really need to do. I wish I hadn't had to take such a long break but there's nothing I can do about it.

I was a little late so missed the warm-up poses, and I am so rusty...really out of practice. But my last 2 drawings are ok enough I guess. I need a lot of practice. Next time I go I'm taking my Derwent XL Charcoal blocks!!