Tooth Faerie Failures

Jenn texted me at 7:30am on Saturday morning.

She needed advice on what to do if the Tooth Faerie fell asleep before switching out a tooth for a reward.

As it turns out, the very same thing has happened here.  In fact, I have a whole list of Tooth Faerie Failures, including:

1. Falling asleep, tooth still under pillow in the morning
2. Unexpected tooth loss resulting in no cash, so the Tooth Faerie left a note redeemable for cash. (I thought that was pretty clever.  Daya did not.)
3. Having to surrender my leopard nail stickers in place of cash.
4. Less-than-expected amounts of cash.

The Tooth Faerie has been inconsistent, to say the least. Daya knows it is me.  I had to tell her last year and she was really mad at me for spoiling it. Usually I'm pretty good at my role of Mythical Being- but even I had to fire myself from being the Tooth Faerie.

Jenn's kids still believe in the Tooth Faerie.  So I told her to tell them not to talk to Daya about it.  She might still be bitter.

The Tooth Faerie bubble burst for me when I was in first grade...so I am shocked Jenn has been able to keep it going for so long.

Back when Daya got her first wigglers (she calls the teeth coming in "growers"), I asked around for the going Tooth Faerie rate. The answer was almost unanimous.

$5 a tooth!  The kid gets $120 just for all their teeth to fall out of their head!  Talk about inflation.  I got a quarter, maybe a dollar when I was older.

I am a really bad Tooth Faerie.

(image by stuartmcghee)

I Am Batshit Crazy.

There is something that makes me batshit crazy in about 1/11th of a second.

It is nothing new, but as I get older it gets worse.

I cannot stand, tolerate, or even be around..... whistling.

I can't.

I will ask people to stop.  I will leave subway cars.  I will leave stores.  I will walk down different streets.  I will remove myself almost immediately from any vicinity of whistling.

Whistling has the effect on me like a razor blade slicing right through my brain.  Like little sharp shards of glass embedding themselves into my head.

It is absolutely intolerable.  It is actually physically painful.

Please Stop Whistling!

Snow Leopard

Deep inside the Tracker's rib

I saw the leopard as eternal,

As immortal spirit breathing

Fur so white and teeth so gleaming

Resolving all through heaven's love

Back in 2008 there was a super fantastic snowstorm. So I went to the Bronx Zoo.  There were maybe five people in the whole place.  It was so magical and spectacular. A crystalline world.

When we approached the Snow Leopard, it came running over to us, like it was so happy to have someone to talk to.  It stayed, too. It was such a deeply magical experience.

Holy light in living temple

Timeless soul you are beloved

Heart enshrined in snowcaps dreaming

Noble is the leopard sleeping

Now sleeping close to heaven's gate

The snow leopard's soul from nature sings

Man, take care of the little things

The snow leopard's heart from heaven calls

Man, take care lest nature spoils

Rest inside the ancient Law

Respect for all is at the fore

At one with all the living things

In love and peace with all living things

-Stuart Wilde

I Don't Know

God has spoken promises over you; He’s put dreams in your heart. It may seem too big, and you don’t think you have the talent. You may not, but God does. He’s already put your name on that dream. - Joel Osteen

There is something I just don't know about.
I have asked my Angels for clarity but I do not find it. Either they are just being quiet or I am not receiving my guidance properly. Or I have already received it but I keep asking anyhow.  But I really just don't know.

It is a really difficult thing to know, sometimes, when to have faith and hold on or let go.

*****
To quote Carolyn Myss...

What is the difference between perseverance, endurance, and knowing it is time to move on?

When you are manufacturing excuses as to why you cant try something  you are sabotaging, vs trying and accepting the outcome that says "I don't see any movement here. I'm being asked to wait."

*****
The right answer is to always have faith and give it to God.  Wait for instruction and guidance. And that can be so, so hard.  Keeping faith is not an easy thing.  I have to consciously invoke it, many times every day. It is my lifeline, and I do hold onto it for dear life.

God knows how to get people to change. Your job is to love them, pray for them, and help them when you can. - Joel Osteen

I like the sentiment of that quote, except that we do have the choice over our change.

Holy Mother God,

Please keep my emotions steady and 

my heart open so that I can learn what I need to learn today. 

And please keep me cool.

Amen

                                                                 -Sonia Choquette

Important Secrets

Here is some very essential parenting advice:

Have a secret chocolate stash.
Under no circumstances should your child/ren discover your stash. 
It is yours and yours alone.

I had to replenish mine, and I also had to get Daya, which presented the challenge of having Bags With Stuff that she can see.  When Daya sees I have a shopping bag she usually needs to know immediately what is in it, and she has to paw through it just to make sure.  In case there is something for her, which often there is.

Triumph was mine, however, and she did not ask about my two shopping bags (tho I had an answer ready) and she did not go through them.

The challenge now is ongoing secrecy, which gets harder and harder the older she gets.

Secret Chocolate is Essential

IMPORTANT NOTE: Art supplies may also fall under this category.

Contrast

Sometimes I can be very sensitive and sometimes things have no impact whatsoever on me.  Perhaps it depends on the people involved- that must be it because I can't think of any other reason.

Last weekend brought some drama.  Someone did not like a minor action I took as a moderator on the oils forum and they went off the deep end.  Like, really off the deep end.  Including a few youtube videos with virulently hateful comments directed at me.  It went on for a couple of days.

And it didn't bother me at all.  Truly.  It took up a lot of time, but it did not bother me at all on an emotional level.  I was more concerned for the person than anything else because I think they need some medical help, and I don't want them to hurt them self or someone else.  But as far as the hate they were throwing at me- I couldn't care less.

Something else happened last weekend too, which was a very small thing that upset me greatly. Recently, I had a conversation with my friends at a time when we were being silly and having fun. It reminded me of an old picture from 2009- which I couldn't find at the time but then I found it and posted it on Facebook.

Here is the picture.

We really are Close Personal Friends

Now, I have shown this picture to many people through the years.  I even won a blog contest with it.  Everyone- including religious people- has thought it is cute and funny, without exception.  And I was told by two people very close to my heart last weekend that they think it is offensive.  I asked why....and they said religious people think that is offensive.  To which I replied that I have shown it to many religious people who all think it is cute and funny.

The really puzzling thing is that these are the same people who think I am "in a box" because I don't want to go to a strip club. (It is offensive for me to be photo pals with JC but something is wrong with me if I don't want to go to a strip club?)

Why can we sing "What a friend we have in Jesus", and we are encouraged to be close with JC, but we can't be photo friends?

Also, I know for a fact that God has a fantastic (and seriously annoying sometimes :/ ) sense of humor.  We have to laugh to get through this life.  There is already way too much Serious Stuff to deal with.  Being human is really hard.  We have to have a good sense of humor.  And isn't laughing, and making other people smile and laugh a God-sent way of bringing joy and healing?

So anyhow, their reaction upset me quite a lot.  Not because I feel badly about the picture- I don't- but because I really can't handle it when people I love and am close to feel negatively towards me. (Except Daya- I don't care when she gets mad at me)  I get so upset if one of my friends is mad at me.  I'm not seeking their approval- but it upsets me and takes a few days to work out of my system.  I even called Sid to talk to him about it, as he is a Christian religious church-going guy- and he didn't understand their reaction either. He thought the picture was cute and funny.

I also asked Carey, who is a very devout Christian, and also deeply spiritual.  I asked her if she found it offensive- her response: "Oh my gosh that makes me laugh so hard.  So I guess not."

I don't think my friends are even mad at me.  It is their right not to like the picture.  It isn't even a big deal- but I was upset.  Yet some stranger slings very directed hate at me and I couldn't care less.  Emotions and reactions are so strange sometimes.  I also feel a bit misunderstood- because anyone who is really close to me should know that the two most important things about me as a person are my spirituality and my art.  I don't talk about my spiritual stuff much at all unless someone brings it up or asks me something- I like being quiet and invisible about it- but it is still something my closest friends should know by now- they should know how seriously I take that spiritual connection, so I could not act from an offensive mindset.  And there is a lot more to deep spirituality than solemn seriousness.

That's probably why Laughing Meditation exists.

Also, if you meet the Buddha 
on the road, kill him!

A Prayer

This is a prayer by Rev. Jim Cotter.  I found it in Caroline Myss's Anatomy of the Spirit.

It is so beautiful I had to turn it into a picture with the Reiki symbols.

Rev. Jim Cotter

Personal Power

Reflections FEBRUARY 4 - Your Spirit and Power

Power is the fundamental ingredient of the human experience. Everything we believe in and every choice we make and every action we initiate is a negotiation of power.

The experience of life is, in fact, a theater of creation in which we set energy into countless acts of creation through how we interpret the world around us.

When we feel powerless, we make powerless choices. When we feel empowered, we are in a position to make empowered choices.

Every choice we make begins with us first referring to our inner sense of power and whether we perceive ourselves as safe, as victimized, as victorious, as respected, as loved, as alone, as abused, as entitled....as something.

True power lies in taking control of your perceptions and your capacity to control the illusions commanding your spirit.

-Caroline Myss

Be Your Own Hero!

For Julie

My awesome friend Julie asked me some questions in her comments.

Are you Wiccan, or have you studied the Wiccan ideas? My Mom and I went into a store one time and were truely intrigued by this. They told my mom she was a Crone (a wise, older woman), but my mom was familiar with the earths seasons, tides, moons. She was in a natural way, a Wiccan woman. It was an eye opening experience for her, and me too.
I am not Wiccan or any specific religion.  I love them all.  Yes I have been immersed in a few pagan religions, I know a lot about them.  I am nothing and everything, but at my core I'm a nice pagan girl.  :)  I also LOVE the Tao and Buddhism, Gnostic Christianity, the Talmud, the Koran, Sufism,  Rumi...all of it.  When you get to the center of the sphere, everything is one and it is bliss.

From Little Green Book
I like this very much. I want to start a notebook too. Is there any specific way to set one up?
Well, as far as Reiki goes, you use the Reiki symbols and send Reiki into it.  But you could have a prayer book or box where you write down people, things, etc that you want prayers/loving energy for. There isn't any right or wrong.

Lol! The time just keeps flying by, sadly. I have tried to write in a journal, and I just can't think of anything to write. Its weird. I need to read someone else's to see how its done...no lie!!!!
Silly Julie, you have been reading my journal for the past seven years!  And you have a rather nice one of your own!  Automatic writing is just stream of consciousness writing where you just write down your thoughts as you are having them.  It's generally pretty boring and incoherent but it is still a great thing to do if your mind is very noisy.

My Mom always said "You have 20 mins to cry, then get up and get busy"
Your mom was nicer than me.  I give Daya 2 minutes...and you know what?  It totally works.  There are, of course, hurts that need more time but I very firmly believe in expiration dates.  After a while you just have to move on and live life...call your spirit back....otherwise you just become a walking ghost which is very sad.

Do you have a Universal Unitarian Church near you? Have you ever been to one?
Yes and yes... I don't feel the need for community in my spiritual practice. I don't isolate it to certain times, or places- rather it is a constant thing.

I never saw you with red before, but can we call you Ariel anyway???? ;)
lol I have been called worse...I guess so!

Rumi

The Math Bee

Daya has been working very hard to prepare for the Math Bee.  It is something she has been very excited about.  She made it to the final round this year, but she lost.  I love how she handled it, it makes me so happy.

Daya is so cool

Cat of the Day

Every day, Daya chooses who will be Cat of the Day.
While I am not exactly sure how she determines it, she has mentioned things about cats gaining and losing points.  Only she knows her system.  I will not even try to figure it out.

Here is a picture of Isis as Cat of the Day.

Little Green Book

Sometimes people make something called a Reiki Box, which is a box containing the reiki symbols and whatever prayers/intentions etc, all charged with reiki.

A modified version is a reiki notebook, which suits me much better.  My notebook is a little green Moleskine, not too much bigger than my phone.  I chose green because it is the color of the heart chakra, a good healing color.

In my little reiki notebook, there is lots of space for me to write whatever and whoever needs some energy.
It's like making hundreds of prayers all at once.  I send prayers and reiki to everything in my book every day.

There are people in my book I don't like, or have had difficulty with, etc.  It's good to send them good energy too, but they have their own Energetic Quarantine section.  Thankfully, it is a short list.

Little Green Book

Nice Neat Healing Packages

Sonia Choquette wrote another book.

I haven't read it yet but since I'm writing about it, I should.  I got a copy for Kindle because it was only $1.99.  The book has a lot of very positive reviews.

Here's the jist: Sonia Choquette is a well-known New Age-type of author.  She experienced a bunch of Life Crap including some deaths and the end of her marriage.  So, she took a pilgrimage through Camino de Santiago, an 820-kilometer trek over the Pyrenees and across northern Spain.  There, apparently she found healing and renewal.  The book is her story of that.

Camino de Santiago

That's all well and good HOWEVER:

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the average person, when faced with Life Crap such as a divorce (yes let's use that as an example)- cannot just leave their life to go on a trip like that to "heal".  It's presented as such a nice neat healing package- life implodes, chaos reigns, long expensive trip is taken, resolution and healing is found at the end of it.  So nice and tidy.

I am not at all knocking Ms. Choquette's book or her experience, what I am saying is that most of us have to go through our healing process while still living everyday life--being functional at work, taking care of kids, hopefully taking care of ourselves, trying to pick up our pieces. Those of us who don't have a lot of money (or any money), or time, or that kind of opportunity to have such a nice neat healing package with results delivered at the end along with a book deal- that anonymous everyday journey, while less dramatic, is no less powerful.  Perhaps it is even more powerful: struggling to heal while at the same time struggling to keep a roof over your head and deal with the pressures of mundane everyday life.

That healing journey isn't so nice and neat and predictable either- it is a process that can be back and forth. Through that process, each person has to decide for themselves that they WANT to heal and move on.  It is that intention which is the ultimate deciding factor.  It is something internal.  A lot of people don't actually want to heal, but it is a choice that is available at all times.  And moving on is so worth it.

Anyhow, I'm happy for Ms Choquette that her pilgrimage worked for her but most of us don't have that luxury.  And truly it is not necessary.  So be nice to all the crazy strangers around you, because they might be one of those anonymous heros struggling to get through.

A Good Shower

The simplest, most common things in life are often the best.  Although my bathtub is my oasis, I highly value a good shower.

A good shower is truly one of the finest things in life.  Nice scented soap, good water pressure, hot hot HOT steaming water- it is a fine and wonderful thing.

Most people I know shower in the morning- but not me.  I have always been a night-showerer.  Not only because I like to keep my morning routine as short as possible, but symbolically, I like to clear the debris of the day away and enter into each new day fresh.  And I like being clean in bed.

Some members of my little household also like to be clean in my bed.

Cat & Child Hygeine

Not Boxed In

I was out with my friends recently and they were discussing something they want to do for someone's birthday that I have absolutely no interest in whatsoever.

They want to go to a (female) strip club.  While I have nothing against it, and don't think there is anything weird or wrong or whatever with it, it's just simply not my thing.  Not my idea of fun.  It doesn't resonate with me. At all.  I don't even want to go to a male strip club.  (Now if you say figure drawing......I'm so there....)  Frankly, I think it's a gross environment.  I'm not interested in seeing people flaunt their bits around for money.  And I have better things to spend my money on.  I also don't think I should have to justify or defend the fact that I am not interested.

My friend asked me in a challenging way if I would consider "coming out of my box" to celebrate with my friends.  My answer:  it depends.

But here's the thing which- I'm not sure "bothered" is the right word, it is too strong- I really disagree with-

I am not in a box.  

My friend might disagree with me, but that would tell me she doesn't really understand me.  And that is ok.  I don't expect everyone to always understand me.  I didn't get into it with her, it's just not worth it.  I have to let it go.  I guess what bothers me is feeling judged and misunderstood simply for being different.

I love new experiences, going new places, trying new things, I will take risks, I love adventure, and I am an extremely open-minded person.  Whatever floats your boat- as long as it is not causing harm to you or others- I'm totally fine with it.

I know myself really, REALLY well. And I am always looking to expand as a person.  But people are different- and just because I am different from my friends in this regard does not mean I am uptight, or repressed, or a prude, or in a box.   I am none of those things. Different things appeal to different people and I'm just really not into it.  If they are that's fine.  It should be fine with them that I just simply am not into it.  I'm not into clubbing (have been, several times, don't like it)- why is it that they don't judge me for that, but if I don't want to go to a strip club I'm "in a box"?

Not only did I spend all of college staring at and drawing naked people, but I also modeled for fellow artists.
Nudity does not bother me.

So I don't want to be judged as being in a box just because I am different.  I don't have to like what they like, they don't have to like what I like.  I don't judge them for it, and I wish they wouldn't judge me.

If they go, I'm going to pass. Even for a birthday.  Not because I am in a box, but because I know myself, and I respect myself enough to honor my choices no matter what my closest and dearest people might think about it.  It is ok for me to be different and I will honor that.  I hope they have fun, even if they are thinking less of me.

Don't judge me just because I am different

There is a LOT about me that my closest friends do not know about, nor will they ever understand.  And that is OK.  There are things that are important to me, things I focus on, things I am actively developing that are simply not a part of their spheres.  They think something is wrong with me if I am too quiet.  They don't understand that most of the time I am very quiet, and I require a lot of silence and solitude.  They do not need these things, they do not relate, and that is ok. There are things in their worlds they like and enjoy, which I do not relate to, that are not part of my sphere.  It's ok.  I'm not judging them, and I wish they would not judge me.

Stacks of Horrid Drivel

I started keeping journals in high school. I never had a passion for writing (and I still do not) but keeping a journal has literally been lifesaving.  I started automatic writing when a guest speaker came in and introduced my art class to The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron.  Every day (mostly) for years I did my three pages of automatic writing. (My morning pages)  It is a form of meditation.

Occasionally I still revert to paper journals or my sketchbook.  But most of my personal writing is here now.

Writing stuff down, especially automatic writing, is such a simple yet powerful thing to do.  It is a fantastic way to empty yourself out, to get all that mental and emotional junk out.  We are filled with so many things in every day, in life in general- we have to empty ourselves continually.

One of my biggest fears in high school (and college...and maybe for several years after that...) was dying and someone finding and reading my journals!  Gasp! Horrors!  As if anyone would have the patience to decipher my handwriting. As if anyone would really want to do that.  Back then I would have been stunned to know I write personal things and other people can read it!  And it is true that there is some very personal stuff on this blog!  It's ironic because I am a very private person.  I value my privacy and I respect others' privacy. I don't often share really personal stuff with people.  Not unless I feel a very good connection with them. There are many things on this blog that I don't talk about at all with anyone.

Writing- especially automatic writing- gives me the space to sort myself out and also very directly and honestly look at and give voice to anything in my mind and heart.  If you are not truly honest with yourself, how can you be honest with anyone else?

One day perhaps Daya will read my blog, when she is older, and know me a little better through it.  A side of me, a perspective that she really doesn't know. It is a nice record to have, especially because I tend to forget a lot of stuff.

Here is a journal snippet from 1996, my first year in college! I have a lot of journals, mostly filled with angst and complete nonsense.  It's not interesting, it's not a good record, it's not profound, it's not memorable, it's a bunch of utter drivel. I wish I documented college better than I did.  But it helped me cope in a way nothing else could have.  It served its purpose.

One day I probably should throw them all in a bonfire.

No one would want to decipher this rot.

I'm realizing that I wrote the above entry almost 19 years ago.  How the hell did THAT happen!

I need to go faint now.

On Being Trapped By Wonky Eyes

Some years back, when Daya was very little, I wanted to relocate out of NYC.

I am so glad it never happened.

While NYC is truly the ultimate love-hate relationship, it is home.  I just can't imagine living anywhere else.  I have a sense of belonging here, that I am where I am supposed to be.  Every time I leave, I have a nice time but I am always glad to come back.  My roots are here.

A lot of the reasoning behind my desire to move had to do with feeling very scared and trapped.  I was alone with a baby, which in itself is a restricting experience- physically, financially, timewise, energy-wise...and I felt very trapped and reactive to that.  And I was going through the aftermath of my ill-fated marriage fallout.  It was a vulnerable time.

Another reason is that I don't drive.  This is something most people take for granted and it is not a big deal.  For me it is a very big deal.  I have a pair of extremely wonky eyes, they are green which is nice but they just don't work very well at all.  I was told as a teenager that I would never be able to drive.  So I went to college here in NYC where that wasn't an issue.  And I stayed because you really don't need a car here.

My Stupid Wonky Eyes

In 2006 I mentioned something about not being able to get a driver's license and my eye dr told me I actually could- that I composite correct to (just barely) 20/40 which is the minimum requirement.  He has to fill out the exam paper for me though, I can't pass the eye test at the DMV.  My vision didn't get better, the other doctor was just wrong.  (He also said I have no peripheral vision, which is completely false as my visual field tests every year are textbook perfect.)

So I got a driver's license.  And I haven't driven since my driving test in 2006.  But that was such a big deal for me, getting that license.  I felt less trapped, like I had more control/choice.  I did something I had believed was impossible for so many years.

However, I do not trust my eyes enough to drive.  I really don't.  That, plus a complete lack of road experience makes me Not Roadworthy.  I really should not be driving.  You don't want me on the road, honest.  Also, I would definitely lose my car.

When I tell people about my eyes and driving, they seem not to believe me based on their own visual shortcomings.  And also because I paint. (It doesn't make sense to me either)  Please believe me when I tell you that in all seriousness, your eyes really are better than mine unless you are worse than a minus 16 and/or legally blind in BOTH eyes. (Hey, let's trade!)  I am legally blind in my right eye (even with contacts), whose main function is to provide moral support for my left eye.  I compensate in other ways for my lack of vision.  And no I can't get the laser surgery because you have to be within a certain vision range to get it (I am out of that range) and because no doctor will touch me for non-essential surgery because I am functionally one-eyed.

My eye wonkiness has had an enormous impact on my life- socially and otherwise.  It has enclosed me in ways I might not have been enclosed otherwise, because I really just do not see everything (and everyone) around me. I don't even notice things other people point out, until they say something.  I can be totally oblivious.  I was the runty kid with the coke bottle glasses.  And I know my eyes look funny sometimes. (People often point it out.  Adults and kids.  For my whole life.)  I'm pretty self-conscious about it.

So, I'm not very good at eyesight but I'm very good at other things.  We all have our strengths and weaknesses.

But anyhow, I am at peace now with living here now, though I wasn't for a long time.  I suppose if I have to be trapped somewhere, NYC is probably one of the best places in the world.

Home.

(Pic is from the top of the Central Park reservoir 

from over the summer)

Drag Bingo

It is 1:25 AM and I got home maybe 20 minutes ago.  For Millie's birthday, we went to Drag Bingo.

What is Drag Bingo?

Bingo with Drag Queens!  It is one of the most hilarious and fun things EVER.  Alana won a 3D placemat and Millie won a blinky glow-in-the-dark wand thing.

Then we walked up to Union Square, then up to Times Square. We had some very interesting adventures with snowmen in Madison Square Park on the way up.  We photobombed some kids and took ridiculous pictures in Times Square.

None of us had a drop of alcohol either.  We are just naturally insane, and sometimes shameless.

Bingo is best with drag queens!!

 Linda said I look too young to have a kid so I love her

My Most Awesome Girls

Just Some Inner Ramblings

Human life is difficult, and even with the best intentions and tools it's still terribly wobbly at times.  But that is the nature of the spiritual journey- the chaos-stability-chaos-stability pattern.

I'm at a place now where I am truly at peace with my life so far, with one exception, one pattern, on which I go back and forth.  Sometimes I am ok with it and sometimes I am not.

But overall, I have a sense of walking forward unencumbered.  Of not carrying anything with me which is outdated. I'm not angry at anyone, I don't resent anyone or anything, I have a lot of clarity on situations and events, and people for the most part. Enough, anyhow.  Things that mattered in their own times have passed and simply do not matter anymore, except for the beneficial lessons which have remained.. I feel emptied out in a good way.

Often in spiritual practice, the concept of surrendering to God comes up.  Of giving everything to God.  Everything.  That means past, present, and future.  At this juncture in time, that is where I am.  I have given it all to God, to a Source far greater than myself, of which I am also a part.

 What it feels like, when you have given everything to God, is that everything feels "ok".  Not in a dramatic way, but in a subtle, solid, stable "It's ok" way.  It is a quiet and peaceful kind of ok. Things that have happened, yesterday or 30 years ago, it is all ok.  Other peoples' behavior and actions- it is all ok.  That's also how you know you have come out of spiritual madness/spiritual crisis...one day it just happens that everything is ok.  It doesn't have to be attached to an event, and truly, I think that is best because that makes it pure.

I don't know where I am going.  Right now I am just walking and seeing where the road goes.  There is only one thing I wish for myself, and I deeply hope to be walking towards it.  I can't know for sure.  I want to float along with the current and end up where I am supposed to end up.  I don't want to control details, I'll let God handle that. I am in a very receptive place, waiting.  This is a very yin thing.

The one thing I worry about is no-change. (and I do have a preference to keep my income and home)  But I have to give that to God, and walk in faith.  Sometimes it is hard not to freak out but that, too, passes.

I know for certain that I will face spiritual madness again- because that is the nature of the journey- and that is ok too.  Sometimes you must allow yourself to be really-not-ok, so that whatever needs to pass can pass through fully and completely, which is unpleasant.  But for now, I am floating along, letting God direct the current.

This is a good time for me to resume my practice of morning and evening meditation, as a little bit of structure is good.

Gayatri Mantra

Thursday Night

What a strange week. Being sick really threw off my rhythm.

Tonight has that surreal feel to it, like I am floating around aimlessly with no real purpose.  Like I am walking around in a suspended dream.

It is unpleasant.

It is lonely, too.

I'm over-rested but at the same time my mind isn't up for any kind of hard focus.

I floated around for a bit while Daya was in dance.  Then I went and watched her class.  She is doing very well. Growing up.  She is the youngest student in the pre-pointe class.

October 2009

One of the first ballet classes

Tonight

Cabin Fever

It's that time of year again.  People go stir-crazy. Even WetCanvas has been....livelier than usual.

Admittedly, it's hard to get cabin fever in NYC.  If it's too cold outside, there are tons of great indoor places to explore.

That's why I just about never get cabin fever.

I like being home.
I like being out.

But four (4) days straight of being at home with the cats and a cold virus for company** has thrown me into the feverish state of, err...cabins.

 It is hard to get cabin fever here.

(pic is from the reservoir in Central Park, 

facing west.  I took it this past summer)

**NOTE: Cold viruses are not good company.

Death of the Cold Virus

I'm still fighting this damn cold off, but I'm winning!  Finally!

Today I am once again working from home in my cloud of Vicks.

Here are some pictures of the common cold virus.  It's.... kinda cool looking.

Some other viruses with happy faces.

There is something fundamentally wrong 

with putting happy faces on viruses.

Some other viruses with mean faces.

Check out that virus at the very top left!

At least the cold virus does not make empty promises...unlike some other viruses....

No cold virus ever promised me $50k.

Cat Profile: Furball

Name: Furball
Color:  Dilute tortie, short hair
Also Known As: Furball the Wonder Cat, Furball the Band-Aid Cat
One word description: Baby
Backstory: Furball was dumped with her litter mates at ACC.  No mama.  All of them were very scared and very covered with fleas.
Household Roles: The Baby, The Perfect One
Favorite food:  Tuna Water
Favorite spot: Wherever everyone else is
Oddities: Extremely skittish.  Freaks out easily.  Shy.  Incredibly affectionate.  Will demand attention.  Likes for the other cats to groom her.  LOVES to talk.  Has a 2-part meow.  Her tail is extra long.  Loves to wrestle with Isis.

Daya named Furball.  A name like Furball is what happens when your 7 year old is involved.
This little kitty cat can do no wrong.  She is perfect.  Always.

Furball has her very own song.  Be glad I can't sing it for you, because it will stick in your head.
It has 2 verses:

Furball the Wonder Cat
Meow meow meow meow meow
Furball the Wonder Cat
Meow meow meow meow meow

Furball the Band-Aid Cat
Meow meow meow meow meow
Furball the Band-Aid Cat
Meow meow meow meow meow

Furball at 3 months.

She used to chase her tail.  It was the cutest thing EVER.

Daya rightly noticed that Furball has a band-aid toe.

 Lounging on Daya's top bunk

 Extra Long Tail

With Isis

Lazer Eyes

Lies and Denial

THE LIE

I had to go out Sunday morning in wet weather.  This was the forecast:

It was a lie.  There were no ice pellets.

***********
DENIAL

I am NOT SICK.  I do not get sick. My throat does not hurt, I can breathe just fine, when I talk I can, and it's not at all painful, I'm not coughing or sneezing at all, I have plenty of energy.....No I am not sick.  No.

This kind of thing usually comes on gradually, and when I feel it coming on I do Things which prevent me from getting not-sick.  But whatever this is NOT, it just slammed into me.

I only drank the NyQuil because it tastes good.  Not because I need it or anything like that. Because I do not feel terrible.

Ballet for Cats

Daya is in seven (!) dance classes, so naturally she wants to get the cats involved.

Pebbles had her first ballet lesson.  She learned tendu.  
After class, Pebbles performed her first recital.

Such an exciting time for a kitty cat.

Warning: Small Rant

Here is something that happened on the R train Thursday evening.

It is by no means a unique incident.  In fact, it is rather widespread.  But just because it is widespread enough to be "normal" doesn't mean it should be.

Daya and I were sitting on the train.
A woman got on with her son, who was maybe 7.  Before the train even started moving he was dancing in the aisle.  She told him over and over to stop, sit down, no showing off, etc.

He ignored her completely.

The train started moving.  He started dancing in the aisle again.  Repeatedly she told him to stop, sit down, which he steadfastly ignored.  She gave up.  He started cavorting up and down the train aisle.

She, meanwhile, busied herself with her phone.

PARENTS NEED TO BE PARENTS!  IF YOUR KIDS DON'T LISTEN TO YOU ABOUT THE SMALL STUFF WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THEY WILL LISTEN ABOUT THE BIG STUFF??

Oh I know.  This is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
Good parenting, of course, involves being your child's friend and reminding them how special they are.

Rant over.

Beautiful

This is so beautiful.  Such amazing love.  This is what transcends the deepest fears.

To have a spirit like that...to be so loving.....what a gift, to be like that.

Don't worry, I'll take care of you.

I think, truly, this is what God wants us to know and trust.