Lies and Denial

THE LIE

I had to go out Sunday morning in wet weather.  This was the forecast:

It was a lie.  There were no ice pellets.

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DENIAL

I am NOT SICK.  I do not get sick. My throat does not hurt, I can breathe just fine, when I talk I can, and it's not at all painful, I'm not coughing or sneezing at all, I have plenty of energy.....No I am not sick.  No.

This kind of thing usually comes on gradually, and when I feel it coming on I do Things which prevent me from getting not-sick.  But whatever this is NOT, it just slammed into me.

I only drank the NyQuil because it tastes good.  Not because I need it or anything like that. Because I do not feel terrible.

Ballet for Cats

Daya is in seven (!) dance classes, so naturally she wants to get the cats involved.

Pebbles had her first ballet lesson.  She learned tendu.  
After class, Pebbles performed her first recital.

Such an exciting time for a kitty cat.

Warning: Small Rant

Here is something that happened on the R train Thursday evening.

It is by no means a unique incident.  In fact, it is rather widespread.  But just because it is widespread enough to be "normal" doesn't mean it should be.

Daya and I were sitting on the train.
A woman got on with her son, who was maybe 7.  Before the train even started moving he was dancing in the aisle.  She told him over and over to stop, sit down, no showing off, etc.

He ignored her completely.

The train started moving.  He started dancing in the aisle again.  Repeatedly she told him to stop, sit down, which he steadfastly ignored.  She gave up.  He started cavorting up and down the train aisle.

She, meanwhile, busied herself with her phone.

PARENTS NEED TO BE PARENTS!  IF YOUR KIDS DON'T LISTEN TO YOU ABOUT THE SMALL STUFF WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THEY WILL LISTEN ABOUT THE BIG STUFF??

Oh I know.  This is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
Good parenting, of course, involves being your child's friend and reminding them how special they are.

Rant over.

Beautiful

This is so beautiful.  Such amazing love.  This is what transcends the deepest fears.

To have a spirit like that...to be so loving.....what a gift, to be like that.

Don't worry, I'll take care of you.

I think, truly, this is what God wants us to know and trust.

The End of the World

Daya called me when she got home from school crying and wailing.

She was hurt.  She was scared.  It was something on the school bus.  It was something on the way home from school.  Something happened at school.  Something broke.  There was blood.  Something was lost. Something was stolen.  Someone was mean to her......

Me: WHAT HAPPENED??
Her: My gymnastics mat!
Me: What?
Her: The cats!
Me: .....What?  Did they scratch it?
Her: THERE IS CAT PUKE ON MY GYMNASTICS MAT!!

more wailing and sobbing

I almost died of relief.

Cat Puke

(photo not representative of actual puke)

I told her to get some spray bleach or Lysol wipes and clean it up, or wait until I got home and I would do it.

I had to explain to her in minute detail how to get a paper towel, wipe up the puke, spray bleach on it, then wipe up the bleach.

She said it was hard and confusing because she has never done this before...... WHAT?  This is not complex.....

This is a highly creative and clever child who is in the gifted program, accelerated reading and math, does intricate problem solving on her own, cooks, draws, dances, sings, swims, invents things......the list goes on and on.

I just simply do not understand how she doesn't understand how to wipe something up with a paper towel and a little bleach, even with step by step instructions.  IT DRIVES ME BATSHIT CRAZY.  

The truth is that the procedure itself would normally not confuse her.  When Daya gets emotional, she falls apart completely and becomes non-functional.  Sigh.

She did manage to clean her mat but was very concerned about the smell of the bleach.

But who doesn't love bleach?

I LOVE BLEACH

Less Red

I re-dyed my hair.  It had to be done.

While I am pretty shameless in general regarding color, I simply cannot go around looking like Ariel.

No.  Just....no.

Daya is very disappointed.

I put brown over it, so it is still red (which is fine) but darker and toned down.  I like it ok, I can live with it.

Less Red

Really Red!

My Mode of Operation sometimes is:
1. Act
2. Get in Trouble
3. Get Out of Trouble
4. Think

I'm pretty sure this is not the best approach to life....
This is why I need Jenn, She researches EVERYTHING before acting.

Case in point:  I dyed my hair...oh gosh it's really red!!  I was unsure at first if I liked it.

Daya loves it.  Carey says neither of us ever does tacky, which is true.  (Her hair is pink and it looks fabulous)

It's really red!!

After living with it for a day,
I came to the conclusion that it is AWFUL.

I look like Ariel.  It's that bad.

My only recourse is Dawn dish detergent, Neutrogena clarifying shampoo (Which stinks but is still good), and crushed vitamin C tablets.  If this doesn't work enough I am going to have to re-dye it. While I do know you are not supposed to process your hair too much too soon, I have never cared too much about what I am "supposed" to do.  I'll get Jenn to research it.

Do you know that after you wash your hair about 17 times (yes literally) you get really bored?  I had to stop and take a break.

Thank goodness it's Winter and I can get away with wearing a hat.

**********
I put some very pretty cayenne pepper on my altar.

Pretty Cayenne

Death's Door

I have finished listening to "Spiritual Madness" by Caroline Myss.  It took me a little while as there was a lot to absorb.

In the Q&A session, something very powerful came up.  Something I just went through.  Something I am so deeply glad and grateful to have gotten some clarity on.  This is EXACTLY what I went through the end of last year.  It is not the first time I have gone through Spiritual Death/Resurrection, and I am sure it won't be the last either, but some clarity sure is nice.

But it is good to be on the other side of it.  I left some things there, on purpose, and I am so glad they are gone.

******
Q:  What about thoughts of suicide when one is in the Dark Night?  How can one deal with such thoughts?

A:  You will have thoughts of suicide.  I'm going to tell you now, expect thoughts of suicide.  Expect to come to Death's door some way or another.  The fact is you have to experience that.  

If I were your spiritual adviser, I'd have a question for you:  "Do you want to die yet?  Have you reached that point?"   I would encourage you to enter that place.  And I'd say "I want you to get that close- to where you don't want to live anymore."  So that, when you come back to life, the Lazarus Experience- when you go through a Resurrection- you come back more alive than you ever were before and you realize you were actually living dead before that experience.    

And what really dies is part of you that wants your life to be other than the way it is.  That relentless voice that will bring you no peace, that says "if you only have this, if you only get this, if you are only with this person, all would be perfect."  That relentless voice that tells you lies constantly.  That's the voice that brings you to Death's door. That's the one, when you recognize, if you can remember this teaching- that when you feel suicidal- and it's spiritual suicide that's motivating it, not a psychological depression- not a drug withdrawal, but genuine spiritual madness and depression- that you hang on and say "This is it.  I am letting go of my ambitions for my own life."  

This is the release point.    This is it.  And let it die.  Go through the death.  Enter your own tomb. You'll sleep for days.  You'll enter that space of No Space, that death space.  

And then your resurrection comes.

Hela

Here is also a little something I will most likely need to be reminded of at some point, again from the same program:

"The more confusing a situation is, 

the more the Hand of God is there."

Far.....

Yesterday I went to my friend's daughter's son's first birthday party.  I got the invitation sometime in early December. Since I knew what day it was, and that I was definitely going, I did not bother to open the card to get the details until this past Monday.

My friend lives in Ridgewood.  The baby lives in Ridgewood. Everyone lives in Ridgewood.  Like any normal sane person, I assumed the party would be in Ridgewood, which is not far from me and easy to get to. A very nice neighborhood, Ridgewood.

I opened the card.

The party was not in Ridgewood.

It was in FAR ROCKAWAY.  In the projects.  Great.

I definitely did not want to go to Far Rockaway,  But I love my friend and had to be there for her, so we got on the LIRR and went far away to Far Rockaway.

There is a reason it is called FAR Rockaway.

So anyhow we got to Far Rockaway, to the projects, and of course we got lost.  On the way to getting lost, and on the way back from getting lost, we passed a haunted house.  Seriously, it was haunted.

Definitely Haunted.  No Question.

I wanted to get a good picture of the huge DO NOT ENTER sign on the door but Lexi was using the GPS on my phone.

You can kind-of see it here.

Just in case you are considering it, DO NOT ENTER.

Now, here's what happened at the haunted house.  When we were navigating to the correct direction, we passed the haunted house again.  After we passed it, my phone lost all its battery power and wouldn't even turn on.  This was very odd, since I didn't even know I had low battery.  Once at the party, I turned my phone on again, it booted up and I suddenly had 33% battery remaining!

The haunted house drained 
all of my iPhone's energy!  

Keep all iPhones away from haunted houses!

We finally got to the party, which was in the housing projects.  What was really fun and and special was the lack of any sort of lock on the building entry door.  Oh, and no security either.  Fun.

Well, I love my friend and she is one of the few people I would go out to Far Rockaway for.  She did not plan the party.  If she had, it certainly would have been in Ridgewood.

Snow!

We got some snow on Friday morning!  FINALLY!

I LOVE SNOW!

Queens Snow

Bryant Park, corner of 42nd and 6th

 42nd and 6th, looking west to Times Square

 42nd and 7th, looking north (Times Square)

Stay In Your Cloud

A few months ago I got a new down comforter.  A King Size down comforter.  I do not have a king size bed, but that doesn't matter.

It is huge.  It is like sleeping in a huge cloud.

My Cloud

Isis likes to snuggle and purr under the cloud with me.  That makes it difficult to get up in the morning.

Especially with these temperatures:

Yes it does feel like -3!

Now, I'm a hard-core fan of cold and winter, but even I closed my windows.  (Except in the kitchen)  Because, IT'S REALLY COLD! Now, if *I* am saying that, you know it's cold.

I went outside before Jenn.  I warned her.

That says it all.

Red

Red is not one of my go-to colors normally.  I like it just fine, especially Cadmium Red Light, but I tend to naturally resonate with greens, turquoise, blues, and violets.  (I cannot pass up a good green!)

Williamsburg Cadmium Red Light

Oh, but red has been calling me.  I keep red 7-day candles on my altar now instead of white.  Sephora's Pantone color of the year is a wonderful marsala red!  They came out with a gorgeous palette too. It's not Urban Decay but I still had to get it.

I'm on a red eye shadow streak

Most paintings need more red. Especially landscape, to balance green. This is why a red ground is often used- it enhances everything else in the painting, especially when allowed to show through.  Interestingly, paintings that have more red in them tend to sell better.  Red is also a color a lot of people shy away from working with, painting-wise.

Here is a bit of fun info about red from this site:

Red is the color of extremes. It’s the color of passionate love, seduction, violence, danger, anger, and adventure. Our prehistoric ancestors saw red as the color of fire and blood – energy and primal life forces – and most of red’s symbolism today arises from its powerful associations in the past.

I do LOVE a good adventure!

It is also the color of wonderful fiery hot peppers!

I Love Cayenne Pepper

Red is also the color of the root chakra. The root chakra contains your information about your family/tribal culture/basic survival.  Keeping this chakra balanced is also important in staying grounded.

Nice Root Chakra image

From this site

Cat Profile: Isis

Name: Isis
Color:  Black Tortie, Angora
Also Known As: Snuggle-Floof, Queen Isis of the Fur
One word description: Insane
Backstory: Isis was picked up on the streets of Brooklyn and carted off to ACC.  She was either dumped or she escaped.  In my experience with her, both are equally plausible.  She was a New Hope cat.
Household Roles: The Queen.  The Snuggler
Favorite food:  Wet food
Favorite spots: The Bathtub- with or without water.  Between the back of the couch and cushions.  Any window. Daya's top bunk.
Oddities: Loves water.  Loves strangers- will run up to them and talk. Will smack anyone who walks by, just because.  Loves to smack other creatures across the face without any warning.  Bites regularly but doesn't hurt.

Smooshed in the couch

Isis is the cat I got in honor of my Sigynn.  She came to live with us about a month after Sigynn died. Before we went to Brooklyn to get Isis, I had a talk with Daya about how the new kitty would be scared and hide, to leave her alone and let her settle in, don't bother her etc etc.

Well, that's not what happened.  Isis was so ridiculously happy to be out of a cage.  She played. She sniffed around.  She hissed a little. She woke me up three times in the middle of the first night because she wanted love.  So much for being shy.  I heard a loud bang in the bathroom- when I went in there she was halfway out the window above the bathtub.  I pulled her back in and had a heart attack.

She's ready to strike!

Isis was incredibly obnoxious at first.  She would attack anything that moved.  She wasn't aggressive at all, she was just playing.  No social skills at all, just a big overgrown kitten.  I did some research on cat behavior and concluded that Isis was probably taken from her mother too young, and raised with people who interacted with her a lot and probably played rough.  When I adopted her the rescue said she should be an only cat.  We couldn't walk without getting attacked.  She even attacked the landlord.  (He didn't mind)  She was seriously obnoxious.

Itchy cat

That's why I decided Isis needed a kitten to play with.  I was going to adopt one of Pebbles' kittens, but it died.  So I took a different kitten (Furball) and Pebbles and that's why I have three cats instead of one.

Getting a kitten for Isis dramatically reduced her obnoxiousness.  It worked perfectly.  She has someone to chase and wrestle with, which is so cute to watch.  She is still pretty evil though.

Ridiculous cat

Isis is my snuggler!  She is the only cat that will really snuggle, and she is a champion snuggler!  She's soft and fluffy and has a loud rumbly purr which is always turned on full volume.  She snuggles under the blankets.
She also likes to come say good morning- when I wake up I call her and she comes flying over from wherever she was to say hello.

She truly loves the bathtub.

The Snuggler

My Vices

Every girl needs her Vices.

I'm such a color junkie.  Oils, pastels, other paint stuff....and eye shadow.  I love eye shadow. Barring exceptional circumstance...which has to be really truly exceptional... I have limited myself to Urban Decay.  And I do have a LOT of Urban Decay.

Yes I will and do wear any and every color.  Though not together. Neutrals, contouring, and blending are very important.  Normally I have 5 colors on, sometimes 6.

I do get a lot of compliments on my makeup, which is nice because even I sometimes wonder if I have gone too far by wearing red eye shadow to work. (answer: no.  red eye shadow is awesome.)

It's fun.  And I do everything in under 10 minutes. :)

My vice 1 looks (top left) very new because that's my backup.

I keep another at work which is well-used and beat-up.

Baffled

I'm completely at a loss regarding a few things.

1.  When I went to wake up Daya, I happened to look up above her door.  This is what I saw:

Where is the smoke detector??

That's really bad.  It had to be there last month, because the landlord was in here and he has to do a stupid paperwork inspection thing every year because there is a child under 10.  I don't know why they do it, it's not a universal thing.  Something with the building regulation maybe.

Anyhow, he has to check for the smoke detector so it must have been there but now it isn't and I don't even know where to begin looking.  I am completely at a loss.

It is not in the shower.

I'm fairly sure (but not positive) that the cats didn't get to it.

2.  I discovered that the second disk of The Fellowship of the Ring is not in the case.  I have the really nice collector's edition of the Lord of the Rings movies, and I'm good (or so I thought) at keeping it nice and together.  That missing DVD is driving me batshit crazy.  I looked everywhere I know to look and then some and...nothing.  

Looking in here was a rather brilliant guess.

Except the DVD was not there.

3.  I got an email saying the automatic payment for Daya's dance tuition got rejected.  That didn't make any sense since the card is good and the money was there.  I tried putting the payment through myself.  12 times.  Rejected.  Called the bank.  Apparently there is a fraud block on my card even though (for once) no actual fraud happened.  But I was on a list.  So my card got blocked from any signature transactions because there was a list somewhere that said fraud MIGHT happen.

I just had to pay in cash.  And now I need a new debit card.  Again.  For maybe-in-the-future-fraud.

Is one of those mine?  Or yours?

Day at the Museum

Daya has pretty much grown up in the Museum of Natural History.  I have been taking her there regularly since she was 2 or 3.  It is a special place for both of us- one that continues to hold appeal as she gets older.  I am a member there mostly because I don't want to wait in the admissions line.

I couldn't wait for Daya to be old enough to go to the space show...as soon as she turned 7 I took her. We see the space show at least once a year.  They change it every year too, so it is always something different.  I never get tired of it.

If you ever come to NYC the space show in the planetarium really is something to do.  It is... AWESOME.  Gorgeous.  Amazing.  Spectacular.  Every time.  There is just nothing else quite like it.

We saw the space show today.

Someone in the gift shop came up to me and asked me if I am a ballerina!

Daya and I have a Museum of Natural History tradition dating back several years- we always get rock candy.  Neither of us can eat much, and I end up using it in my tea.

Turquoise rock candy tastes rather like mint bubblegum,

A Little List

As truly infuriating as parenting can be, I have been blessed with the Best Daughter Ever.  Here is a little list of just a few of the many reasons why Daya is so cool.

1. When we were coming home from New Jersey this past Monday, we took the PATH train back to Manhattan.  We were in the very front car.  There was one seat.  I told Daya to sit down, She said "No Mommy, you sit."  The conductor was right there and he said he had never seen that before- a child offering the seat to their parent instead of taking it for them self- a child having consideration for their mother.  He was very impressed, and kept saying he had never seen that before.

2.  Daya has been into cooking.  I taught her how to use the stove (with the non-negotiable rule of not using it when I am not home)..  She likes to make pasta and scrambled eggs.  Yesterday morning she made herself breakfast AND then she made me breakfast!  Her scrambled eggs are PERFECT.  Not overdone, not under-done, but PERFECT.

3.She leaves irrefutable evidence of her crimes behind.

I wonder who has been drawing on my makeup mirror....

4.  She will put a new roll of toilet paper on the holder-thingy (what is that called?) on her own without being asked.

5. Santa brought her a set of soft pastels.  Look at this portrait of me she did!

I'm not sure what I am wearing in this portrait.

But it looks kinda superhero-ish!

Cat Profile: Pebbles

Name: Pebbles
Color:  Cream Tiger, medium hair
Also Known As: Pest, Pebbz, Pebberz, Peebo
One word description: Pest
Backstory: Pebbles was discovered in an empty apartment in the Bronx starving to death with a litter of six kittens.  Four of them eventually died.
Household Role: Caretaker.  Will check to make sure I am still breathing during the night.  Several times.
Oddities: likes to clean her fur while laying on her back.
Favorite food: plastic.  and everything else.
Favorite spot: my bed

Pebbles is a pest, a clingy velcro-cat who will be anyone's instant BFF.  Loves to be right in my face. She gets static electricity in her tail which makes it look funny. Has an uncanny knack for photo-bombing any picture.  She cannot figure out how to cover her poop but she tries very hard at sweeping the litter box walls.  After the other cats visit, too.  She is mentally afflicted from starving in the apartment and will eat anything.  Loves to chomp on plastic. Is always in the way. Is extremely persistent and enthusiastic about head-butting when I am typing.  Is a very pretty cat.

Pebbz knows how to rock Urban Decay.  She is an ELECTRIC cat.

Spiritual Endurance

Here is a passage from Spiritual Madness by Caroline Myss.  When I heard this for the first time, it resonated with me so deeply I got chills.

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Endurance and patience are two of the classic lessons of the mystical experience.  What does endurance solve? Endurance makes your soul come up to the surface.  Endurance gives you spiritual stamina.   The biggest fear I see in people- bigger than the fear of dying- is being alone.  

I have witnessed and met very few people 

who are genuinely on the mystical path- 

who have not been asked to endure alone-ness.

Why?  Because you must be able to wait for the voice of God.  And how do you do that?  You literally have to listen to all of the voices that talk to you all the time that are based upon your fears. That are based upon what you have expected from life.  What you are invoking when you are alone and going through endurance is how you thought your life should be, and you've got to be able to give that up.

********* 

I know that spiritual learning and purpose is always more important than human wants and needs. But sometimes, I sure would like for them to be one and the same.

The Hermit

This card symbolizes so much of my life.

I don't mind that at all but I feel ready for change.

Image is from the Art Nouveau tarot, which is a gorgeous deck and was one of my first.

*********
Something I have been thinking about a lot lately is how our own healing naturally extends to others, If we have successfully dealt with a certain situation, hardship, traumatic event, whatever it is- if we have overcome it then that pathway is created to help others.  It opens up an energy frequency. We are able to relate to and see people from the inside out, guide them, and love them.  It gives us the right to speak with authority that healing is possible because we have been there.

Raphael

2015 Intentions

It's time for another new year and intentions.

The year 2014 was just so very strange.  I have no expectations for 2015 other than letting it be whatever it will be. No wishes for "better" or "worse" or whatever.  It will be as it needs to be, however that is.

I'm keeping Intentions short and to the point.

1.  Let God handle details
2.  Drink a lot of tea
3.  Paint some pictures
4.  Meditate

From Tarot of the Cat People

My altar is ready for the New Year.

Kwanzaa in Newark

One of my best friends recently moved to New Jersey, and this past weekend Daya and I went to visit.  It was a lovely time.

We went to the Newark Museum which I loved!  There was also a Kwanzaa event, which was fantastic.Wonderful African drummers and dancers, from the Ivory Coast I believe.  Kwanzaa is a lovely holiday.

Daya got to go dance on stage! She was great.

She looks great with those stage lights!

By the way, drums are a fantastic way to clean your energy.

Blue Light Tree

Here is a little pastel painting I did for Millie for Christmas.  Millie likes dark branchy trees.

4x6 pastel (Senns and pans) on black PastelCard