Toddlers are really weird creatures. Seriously so. I really enjoy this about Daya.
She regularly says two phrases, "I do!" and "I no!". "I do!" originated as a non-descript but oft-repeated "aaaaahhh-jooooo", and no one is really sure if it was originally a mutant variant of "Hello!" or "How are you?", but it got refined to "I do!". "I no!" is a new one, I guess she's starting to mix and match words together.
So Daya has this strange rash. it started out as little bumps on her back, and has now spread to her arms and belly. The doctor isn't worried, since there are no other symptoms and Daya herself couldn't care less about it. I think it's just something that will disappear as mysteriously as it appeared. Just more toddler weirdness.
topiary cats
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Priorities
I was a little bit late to work this morning.
Daya woke up a little early, and she was still a little sleepy and wanted to snuggle for a while. So we did.
You can't ever buy those moments; that is what the substance of life is made up of. That is what is really important. The office can wait. No one even cared I was a few minutes late.
Daya woke up a little early, and she was still a little sleepy and wanted to snuggle for a while. So we did.
You can't ever buy those moments; that is what the substance of life is made up of. That is what is really important. The office can wait. No one even cared I was a few minutes late.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Studio
The other day I finally unpacked my art stuff. I've been slowly working myself up to begin painting again. To finally make some progress in my Lands of Space series. To finally do a portrait of Daya.
And it starts with my least favorite task: cleaning my palette. I hate cleaning my palette. It's been sitting for almost a year and some of the paint piles are still wet underneath. :)
I wonder if I would get more work done if I painted in acrylic......I can go FAST in acrylic. But I hate glazing in acrylic, and the fast drying time is as much as curse as it is convenient. And I spend a lot of time trying to keep the palette from drying out. Oils teach me patience and they smell sooooo good. If there was a linseed oil room freshener I'd use it. Or maybe I'll get clever and put a little linseed oil in my oil burner. I guess, for me, it's like making pancakes- the low heat (slow drying time) and a little patience make much better results.
Misunderstood Serenity
I always wondered why is it that people assume something is wrong with someone if they are quiet? They think somethng is wrong and you just don't want to talk about it. They don't understand that you are just experiencing peace.
For the last few days I have been basking in a blissful calm serenity, and when I am in this state I am not in the mood for conversation. Especially at work. I keep to myself as much as possible.
Does silence scare people? I understand that this culture is one of neurotic noise, external action, extroversion, pushing, going up.
But for those of us who aren't like that, leave us alone and stop thinking something is wrong with us when we are simply quietly serene.
For the last few days I have been basking in a blissful calm serenity, and when I am in this state I am not in the mood for conversation. Especially at work. I keep to myself as much as possible.
Does silence scare people? I understand that this culture is one of neurotic noise, external action, extroversion, pushing, going up.
But for those of us who aren't like that, leave us alone and stop thinking something is wrong with us when we are simply quietly serene.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Patanjali
"When you are steadfast in your abstention of thoughts of harm directed towards others and yourself, all living creatures will cease to feel emnity in your presence."
Sunday, February 25, 2007
I Messed Up!
Thank Goddess kids are forgiving and don't remember everything!
Daya didn't take much of a nap today, so she was full-fledged Madame Crankypants at 5:30.
Which is too early for bed and too late for a nap. But when the child is crying and laying down on the floor face down with her butt sticking up in the air, well, something has to give.
I said 30 minutes. Which turned into 45. I woke her up. Bad idea. So I waited a few minutes, then put her back to bed. Worse idea. Now she still wants to sleep but can't fall asleep properly.
It's been quiet in there...so hopefully she'll stay asleep. She keeps waking sporadically. Have been kicking myself for the past hour.
Crap she's up again.
Daya didn't take much of a nap today, so she was full-fledged Madame Crankypants at 5:30.
Which is too early for bed and too late for a nap. But when the child is crying and laying down on the floor face down with her butt sticking up in the air, well, something has to give.
I said 30 minutes. Which turned into 45. I woke her up. Bad idea. So I waited a few minutes, then put her back to bed. Worse idea. Now she still wants to sleep but can't fall asleep properly.
It's been quiet in there...so hopefully she'll stay asleep. She keeps waking sporadically. Have been kicking myself for the past hour.
Crap she's up again.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Fun and Special Game
I'm feeling much better today. It's nice to have a day where I don't have to do anything. I feel like I should take Daya to the park or something, but I just don't feel like going out.
Madame D found a new game to play this morning. A very Fun and Special game. It involves sticking a toddler spoon so far into her mouth, down her throat, that she pukes. She didn't get upset, she puked a bit, then smiled and offered me the spoon.
Ah well, she needed a bath anyhow.
Madame D found a new game to play this morning. A very Fun and Special game. It involves sticking a toddler spoon so far into her mouth, down her throat, that she pukes. She didn't get upset, she puked a bit, then smiled and offered me the spoon.
Ah well, she needed a bath anyhow.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Dear God
Dear God,
Thank you for the difficult days when my heart gets very tired. It's easy to be happy and blissful and spiritual when days are good. But life isn't always as such, and it's days like today that I can really see and know how strong my connection is. Thank you for the experience of being able to connect when feelings are tough. Thank you for the contrast that enables me to know my true nature, even when juxtaposed with other things within.
I know that the true testament to faith, and applying the strength of a spiritual fundation happens when we are faced with adversity, whether circumstantial, physical, or emotional. Thank you for being such a strong presence that I can rest in when life gets weary.
Thank you for giving me peace and calm when I am feeling down.
Love,
J
Thank you for the difficult days when my heart gets very tired. It's easy to be happy and blissful and spiritual when days are good. But life isn't always as such, and it's days like today that I can really see and know how strong my connection is. Thank you for the experience of being able to connect when feelings are tough. Thank you for the contrast that enables me to know my true nature, even when juxtaposed with other things within.
I know that the true testament to faith, and applying the strength of a spiritual fundation happens when we are faced with adversity, whether circumstantial, physical, or emotional. Thank you for being such a strong presence that I can rest in when life gets weary.
Thank you for giving me peace and calm when I am feeling down.
Love,
J
Thursday, February 22, 2007
MAD
When I'm mad, I can shoot laser beams out of my eyes.
Yes I really can.
And I'm SO MAD right now but it'll blow over.
Crappy co-workers are just part of life.
Yes I really can.
And I'm SO MAD right now but it'll blow over.
Crappy co-workers are just part of life.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Evening Solitude
Night time starts when Daya falls asleep.
This is my favourite time of day, when the world starts to settle down. Here is the stillness and solitude that only the darkness can bring. Deep silence is difficult to find in the city; our culture is one of neurosis and noise. I need silence like oxygen.
Often, I wish to live in a society that values reflection, introspection, slow movement, and quiet. Treating others gently. Noticing small things. The secret to having enough time is to stop rushing around. Rushing is pushing, forcing. It blocks flow.
Today on one of my commutes, I cannot remember if it was morning or evening, someone ran up behind me and roughly shoved me aside without a thought or a word of apology, just in hopes of catching the train. For something so meaningless. I do not get angry at these occurrences; I just observe it. I think it's sad, the way we treat each other in general. No wonder people die of heart attacks right and left. Living in that sort of mentality. In New York City, everyone seems to be getting from one point to the next as fast as possible, then rushing madly to something else. People miss the journey altogether, much less enjoy it. How our society has become so neurotic we can't even recognize it anymore. The mindlessness of the media. People get so upset when their expectations are disrupted. Everything now. And we wonder why our children are so neurotic. I think the detachment from nature has everything to do with it.
In my heart I am not in this city. I am back smelling the grass, feeling the dampness of the earth on my hands. I can feel the silence of an open night sky, the wind rustling in the trees. The embrace of Gaia. We always end up being where we need to be in the right time; I have trust in flow. We are always taken care of. She always sends reminders, when I need them the most.
And as antsy as I am getting, to get back to more natural surroundings, I still feel I'm not quite finished here. Not quite yet. Almost.
This is my favourite time of day, when the world starts to settle down. Here is the stillness and solitude that only the darkness can bring. Deep silence is difficult to find in the city; our culture is one of neurosis and noise. I need silence like oxygen.
Often, I wish to live in a society that values reflection, introspection, slow movement, and quiet. Treating others gently. Noticing small things. The secret to having enough time is to stop rushing around. Rushing is pushing, forcing. It blocks flow.
Today on one of my commutes, I cannot remember if it was morning or evening, someone ran up behind me and roughly shoved me aside without a thought or a word of apology, just in hopes of catching the train. For something so meaningless. I do not get angry at these occurrences; I just observe it. I think it's sad, the way we treat each other in general. No wonder people die of heart attacks right and left. Living in that sort of mentality. In New York City, everyone seems to be getting from one point to the next as fast as possible, then rushing madly to something else. People miss the journey altogether, much less enjoy it. How our society has become so neurotic we can't even recognize it anymore. The mindlessness of the media. People get so upset when their expectations are disrupted. Everything now. And we wonder why our children are so neurotic. I think the detachment from nature has everything to do with it.
In my heart I am not in this city. I am back smelling the grass, feeling the dampness of the earth on my hands. I can feel the silence of an open night sky, the wind rustling in the trees. The embrace of Gaia. We always end up being where we need to be in the right time; I have trust in flow. We are always taken care of. She always sends reminders, when I need them the most.
And as antsy as I am getting, to get back to more natural surroundings, I still feel I'm not quite finished here. Not quite yet. Almost.
Fragments
Sometimes little fragments of a long-past conversation resurface periodically. I have a recurring one, here at work.
There's a girl who works here. She's young, pretty, smart, athletic, and very good at what she does. She's basically a nice person. She grew up with money and has money, a nice home, nice boyfriend, etc. And she said something in a conversation, last year, that I still think about. A small, almost hidden comment. I forget the actual context...but it may have had to do with shopping, athletics, something along those lines. She said, perhaps not verbatim but close enough, "You do these things, to try and fill the emptiness inside."
Something about the way she said it, the tone, the air about it, implied and took for granted that the others in the conversaton knew and understood exactly what she was talking about and experienced the same thing. And I could only think to myself, how very, very sad.
There's a girl who works here. She's young, pretty, smart, athletic, and very good at what she does. She's basically a nice person. She grew up with money and has money, a nice home, nice boyfriend, etc. And she said something in a conversation, last year, that I still think about. A small, almost hidden comment. I forget the actual context...but it may have had to do with shopping, athletics, something along those lines. She said, perhaps not verbatim but close enough, "You do these things, to try and fill the emptiness inside."
Something about the way she said it, the tone, the air about it, implied and took for granted that the others in the conversaton knew and understood exactly what she was talking about and experienced the same thing. And I could only think to myself, how very, very sad.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Valentine's Day
Last week, I knew this would happen, and so it did.
I received my final divorce papers today. I'm not sure if that's ironic or not, but I'm so very happy.
Here is my small testament to the power of conscious, focused intention, positive thinking and action.
*I could not afford a lawyer to represent me for my divorce.
*My x could, because his girlfriend paid for it.
*The end result of the divorce is that I paid nothing, and the divorce was on MY complaint, not his. And it's in the papers. This is highly unusual because he was the one to initiate the divorce. Generally the plaintiff and the one paying for the divorce calls the shots.
The whole situation started as scary and hostile and hurtful, then I decided to go an alternate route. I did loving-kindness meditation for his lawyer, and almost immediately everything changed around to be in my favor, while she still held the integrity of representing her client.
When I went to her office we had a very pleasant and friendly meeting. We actually got along quite well. I think it suprised her.
And I have a divorce on MY terms, with cruel and inhumane treatment by him on record in paper.
*If someone doesn't have a criminal record, it takes, on average, 5 years to get them deported. In this case, it took just over 2 months.
Last I heard he was getting married again. At least this time, there is an official legal record of what really happened, that he cannot lie about.
This is the best Valentines day gift ever.
RADIX AMORE.
I received my final divorce papers today. I'm not sure if that's ironic or not, but I'm so very happy.
Here is my small testament to the power of conscious, focused intention, positive thinking and action.
*I could not afford a lawyer to represent me for my divorce.
*My x could, because his girlfriend paid for it.
*The end result of the divorce is that I paid nothing, and the divorce was on MY complaint, not his. And it's in the papers. This is highly unusual because he was the one to initiate the divorce. Generally the plaintiff and the one paying for the divorce calls the shots.
The whole situation started as scary and hostile and hurtful, then I decided to go an alternate route. I did loving-kindness meditation for his lawyer, and almost immediately everything changed around to be in my favor, while she still held the integrity of representing her client.
When I went to her office we had a very pleasant and friendly meeting. We actually got along quite well. I think it suprised her.
And I have a divorce on MY terms, with cruel and inhumane treatment by him on record in paper.
*If someone doesn't have a criminal record, it takes, on average, 5 years to get them deported. In this case, it took just over 2 months.
Last I heard he was getting married again. At least this time, there is an official legal record of what really happened, that he cannot lie about.
This is the best Valentines day gift ever.
RADIX AMORE.
Back to Basics
It is now time for me to resume my night-time and early morning meditations. I started last night, and this morning. Already I feel better. Very peaceful and energized. Full. Plugged in. Bliss.
Right now the only child-safe place I've found for a little altar is in the window in my bathtub. That's just fine with me, I spend a lot of time in the bath. Recently I got one of those things that turns your tub into a jacuzzi, and it's pure watery bliss. I like to sit in the bath late at night with the bubbles going at full force and chant mantras. I love water, it is my native spiritual element.
But it's time to resume my regular daily meditations. And resume my meditation journal.
I need to get back on my structured daily household routines. Which includes updating my control journal.
For whatever it is that I need to learn, I am open and ready.
Right now the only child-safe place I've found for a little altar is in the window in my bathtub. That's just fine with me, I spend a lot of time in the bath. Recently I got one of those things that turns your tub into a jacuzzi, and it's pure watery bliss. I like to sit in the bath late at night with the bubbles going at full force and chant mantras. I love water, it is my native spiritual element.
But it's time to resume my regular daily meditations. And resume my meditation journal.
I need to get back on my structured daily household routines. Which includes updating my control journal.
For whatever it is that I need to learn, I am open and ready.
Toddler Mayhem
Daya's doing really well. 15 months old and she's almost half as tall as I am. Last night she slept through the night without any cold medicine. I really hope all those colds are over for a while. I read somewhere that vitamin D helps a lot. I'm going to try that.
She's had another mental development spurt, and she's into everything. Really, she's very cute and a lot of fun. Most of the time. She was not fun on Sunday when she put my keys in the bathtub and it took me a half hour to find them, forcing me to cancel plans.
I wasn't very happy about that, but I can't get mad at her or blame her...she's just being a toddler; that's what they do. What I CAN do is hang my keys in the hook in the coat closet and severely restrict her access.
Daya's into unpacking and stashing. And sharing. The other day I went to pick her up from the sitter, and F. was feedng her farina from the pan. Daya finished, and F. put the pan and the spoon down. Daya took the spoon and fed herself a few times, then she got some farina on the spoon and ran over to me to share.
Some things, though, I definitely do NOT want to share, like the half-eaten-already-chewed piece of cheese she picked up off the floor.
Oh, I'm going to see Stuart Wilde speak in Las Vegas in May. Am looking forward to that.
She's had another mental development spurt, and she's into everything. Really, she's very cute and a lot of fun. Most of the time. She was not fun on Sunday when she put my keys in the bathtub and it took me a half hour to find them, forcing me to cancel plans.
I wasn't very happy about that, but I can't get mad at her or blame her...she's just being a toddler; that's what they do. What I CAN do is hang my keys in the hook in the coat closet and severely restrict her access.
Daya's into unpacking and stashing. And sharing. The other day I went to pick her up from the sitter, and F. was feedng her farina from the pan. Daya finished, and F. put the pan and the spoon down. Daya took the spoon and fed herself a few times, then she got some farina on the spoon and ran over to me to share.
Some things, though, I definitely do NOT want to share, like the half-eaten-already-chewed piece of cheese she picked up off the floor.
Oh, I'm going to see Stuart Wilde speak in Las Vegas in May. Am looking forward to that.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Elevator Talk
A group of us were going up in the elevator with our various lunches. One man had a sandwich and two yogurts.
He picked up the yogurt and regarded it carefully. Then he turned to his friend and said, "Is this women's yogurt?"
After a pause, he then said, "That's ok. I'm comfortable with myself."
He picked up the yogurt and regarded it carefully. Then he turned to his friend and said, "Is this women's yogurt?"
After a pause, he then said, "That's ok. I'm comfortable with myself."
Friday, February 09, 2007
The Great Divorce
I have just received word that my final divorce papers are in the mail.
What a relief, it's nice to be able to shut the door on that.
What a relief, it's nice to be able to shut the door on that.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Chickenshit
Very early this morning I popped out of my body again. Well, halfway. I sat up out of my body. I was totally lucid and thinking clearly, and knew exactly what was happening. I thought, "I'm going to have a walk around". And I thought nice good divine thoughts. Then, my mind went to all the scary creepy stuff I've encountered a little too often...you know when you think about something just because you don't want to think about it?
Which of course put an end to the whole thing. I'm so mad at myself.
It's such a cool feeling, the feeling of being separate from your body. It's a light, sparkly feeling. I wish I knew how to induce it at will.
Which of course put an end to the whole thing. I'm so mad at myself.
It's such a cool feeling, the feeling of being separate from your body. It's a light, sparkly feeling. I wish I knew how to induce it at will.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
The Noisy Neighbors
So I have these really loud neighbors. There's no loud music, the late night noise has significantly improved after my second written complaint when the landlord threatened eviction. But the ceiling thunder. Is awful. I really almost lost it this weekend, I was on such a thin string. All day. Every day. I'm not so unreasonable as to not expect a little noise, but what they have going on upstairs is excessive and definitely not normal.
Their response to my speaking to them in person (twice) is less than encouraging. All they do is get hostile and defensive and complain to me about how loud their neighbors are, as if that's justification for their noise. They think I'm horrible and crazy, and I think they're loud and rude. Cats, if someone came to me and said I was doing something to bother them, I'd at least apologize.
I spoke to the super today, who is going to speak to the landlord. The truth is that I do not want them to be evicted. I don't think that's right. I told the super that. They have 2 little kids, and I'm sure they are nice people. Nice loud people. Ironically I've heard nary a sound from them this evening, which makes me feel bad about speaking to the super. Like I have to keep justifying it to myself. I actually have to keep reminding myself that this amazing quiet is not the norm. Remembering what it's usually like.
And I feel bad for complaining. I hate conflict. I'm not very good at it. But on the other hand I'm proud of myself for standing up for myself. The truth is that the ceiling thunder has really affected me lately. It sounds so stupid but it's true. My nerves have been on edge and I've been much more irritable. My wonderful friend Y. was kind enough to listen to me vent the other night, and she said I was being too nice to the elephants upstairs. She said the thunder would drive her batty too, and it would get ugly. Actually everyone I've mentioned it to has said pretty much the same thing.
It's not my intention to cause problems for anyone. I want peaceful and positive resolution with this. For everyone. But I just don't know what else to do. The thunder is NOT normal, despite what they say. I certainly have never encountered anything like it before in any apartment I've lived in, even when the nocturnal guy lived right above me. And despite my efforts to resolve this, the thunder remains an issue, although not late at night.
This leads me to question the boundaries of 1. learning to transcend irritation and simply not let the noise bother me (I tried, I really did, it didn't work) and I know this is actually the more powerful way, to be unaffected or 2. learn some other sort of lesson in this that I'm unclear of at the moment. I hope it gets clear really soon.
I hope this works out. I do have concern for the elephants, whether or not they would believe it. I don't want them to be upset. But I do tend to put that concern for others over healthy concern for myself, and it's a new feeling to put concern for myself and my needs on an equal level.
Their response to my speaking to them in person (twice) is less than encouraging. All they do is get hostile and defensive and complain to me about how loud their neighbors are, as if that's justification for their noise. They think I'm horrible and crazy, and I think they're loud and rude. Cats, if someone came to me and said I was doing something to bother them, I'd at least apologize.
I spoke to the super today, who is going to speak to the landlord. The truth is that I do not want them to be evicted. I don't think that's right. I told the super that. They have 2 little kids, and I'm sure they are nice people. Nice loud people. Ironically I've heard nary a sound from them this evening, which makes me feel bad about speaking to the super. Like I have to keep justifying it to myself. I actually have to keep reminding myself that this amazing quiet is not the norm. Remembering what it's usually like.
And I feel bad for complaining. I hate conflict. I'm not very good at it. But on the other hand I'm proud of myself for standing up for myself. The truth is that the ceiling thunder has really affected me lately. It sounds so stupid but it's true. My nerves have been on edge and I've been much more irritable. My wonderful friend Y. was kind enough to listen to me vent the other night, and she said I was being too nice to the elephants upstairs. She said the thunder would drive her batty too, and it would get ugly. Actually everyone I've mentioned it to has said pretty much the same thing.
It's not my intention to cause problems for anyone. I want peaceful and positive resolution with this. For everyone. But I just don't know what else to do. The thunder is NOT normal, despite what they say. I certainly have never encountered anything like it before in any apartment I've lived in, even when the nocturnal guy lived right above me. And despite my efforts to resolve this, the thunder remains an issue, although not late at night.
This leads me to question the boundaries of 1. learning to transcend irritation and simply not let the noise bother me (I tried, I really did, it didn't work) and I know this is actually the more powerful way, to be unaffected or 2. learn some other sort of lesson in this that I'm unclear of at the moment. I hope it gets clear really soon.
I hope this works out. I do have concern for the elephants, whether or not they would believe it. I don't want them to be upset. But I do tend to put that concern for others over healthy concern for myself, and it's a new feeling to put concern for myself and my needs on an equal level.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
The Awe of Gratitude
All of us have the light of divinity within. All of us can learn to access it and let it soak into the entirety of our lives. There is a question in a teaching I heard somewhere that asks what do the great spiritual masters have that the rest of us ordinary people don't? The answer isn't that it's something different- we all have that divine bliss and grace- the difference is that's ALL they have. So they actually have much less than we do. That is the incredible lightness of being.
To parapharse an Indigo Girls quote..."We own nothing, nothing is ours...but this poverty is our greatest gift..." To have nothing, to be nothing, is absolute freedom. That is the ultimate connection with god. In losing everything, you become everything.
I can't say I'm quite there yet in my own life.
It's so amazing to know what true gratitude is...being in a state of gratitude is the most powerful spiritual experience I can think of that quickly and directly plugs me in to the bliss of the divine. It is so powerful one can't help but cry, because it's just that awesome.
When I was a child I'd very often cry when I prayed, at the sheer bliss, joy, and awesomeness of god. I still do, sometimes. To be a part of that is the greatest gift imaginable. We are as much a living part of god as god is a living part of us. It is a warm, peaceful, yet electrifying feeling in the heart, that spreads through and around our entire being.
What more could anyone truly want?
To parapharse an Indigo Girls quote..."We own nothing, nothing is ours...but this poverty is our greatest gift..." To have nothing, to be nothing, is absolute freedom. That is the ultimate connection with god. In losing everything, you become everything.
I can't say I'm quite there yet in my own life.
It's so amazing to know what true gratitude is...being in a state of gratitude is the most powerful spiritual experience I can think of that quickly and directly plugs me in to the bliss of the divine. It is so powerful one can't help but cry, because it's just that awesome.
When I was a child I'd very often cry when I prayed, at the sheer bliss, joy, and awesomeness of god. I still do, sometimes. To be a part of that is the greatest gift imaginable. We are as much a living part of god as god is a living part of us. It is a warm, peaceful, yet electrifying feeling in the heart, that spreads through and around our entire being.
What more could anyone truly want?
Friday, February 02, 2007
Nose Dribbles
Yep someone's sick again.
And that same someone doesn't sleep well with a drippy nose, making very interesting nights for me. The cool thing, though, is that even when Daya is sick and feverish and stuffy, she's happy. she never stops singing and dancing.
And that same someone doesn't sleep well with a drippy nose, making very interesting nights for me. The cool thing, though, is that even when Daya is sick and feverish and stuffy, she's happy. she never stops singing and dancing.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Athena
I have been thinking quite a lot lately, but when I come to blog it seems I haven't got much to say. I've been meaning to write about Athena for a little while now though.
For as long as I can remember, I have always been spiritually oriented. I have always felt a divne presence, always been able to tap into the feeling of that energy. I've spent my entire adult life exploring myself in relation to god, and really focusing on that connection. That exploration sure has taken me to some crazy places.
I was raised Christian and held on to that pretty strongly until I left home. But children will do what is natural to them, and the goddess was always natural to me. I imagined her presence everyhere, and even drew traditional goddess symbols without ever having seen them before, without knowing what they were. I had a specific connection with Athena from a very young age. I can't say why it was Athena exactly, but I liked her a lot. I drew her constantly.
I still haven't totally figured out how specific deities play into the big picture of things, as my spirituality these days tends to be more formless. But humans are part of god and as such the things that humans give life to in our hearts are as real as anything physical. The amazing thing about the godforce is that there are no limts to its expression- and those expressions of specific deities are simply parts of a whole, as we humans are ndividual parts of a whole because everything is connected. So I think it's pretty cool to have formless and form simultaneously. They are mirrors for us to look into and see ourselves. Conscious slivers of divinity broken down into pieces that we can relate to on a more personal level. God will speak to us in whatever form we resonate with or whatever form we need, and if that form is Isis or Idunna or the Morrighan, well, so be it. God is huge- more vast and huge than the whole of humanity put together could ever possibly comprehend. I think it's extremely good-natured of god to break itself down into different identities for us.
So Athena. I cannot deny her presence. I do not pray to her, I do not even refer to her specifically most of the time. I go through long periods without even thinking of her. But she's there and has never gone away. She is a constant solid presence, very subtle in her movement.
She's got a pretty cool birth story. Her mother was Metis, a goddess of wisdom. Zeus swallowed Metis and Athena sprung fully grown and clothed from Zeus' head, giving him one hell of a headache. She is the divine feminine who will not be suppressed by masculine yang. Ancient Greek society certainly was not woman-centric, in fact the ancient Greek ladies had a bit of a rough time, yet Athens was named for her, and she is immortalized as an astoundingly powerful goddess.
I think sometimes specific deities come to us in a lifelong relationship because we need them, somehow. We need something they stand for. They help us to see that we hold the same qualities they do, and they are here to teach us to discover these treasures within ourselves and how to effectively use those gifts.
Some people may never experience this, and there's nothing lesser about that. The important thing is communication with the godforce, in whatever capacity we need. The method doesn't matter as much as the relationship. A relationship not bound by the constraints of religions, but one of freedom in which we can experence our own connection to the divine in a way that is as unique as each of us are. The word religion comes from the Latin religare, which means to bind. But knowing god is freedom, and god certainly cannot be bound the way our human minds can be.
I believe that the more we participate in this divine relationship and acknowledge it in every fiber of our existence, the more that relationship plays out and works wonders in our lives. The more we open ourselves to it, the more it is there for us.
For as long as I can remember, I have always been spiritually oriented. I have always felt a divne presence, always been able to tap into the feeling of that energy. I've spent my entire adult life exploring myself in relation to god, and really focusing on that connection. That exploration sure has taken me to some crazy places.
I was raised Christian and held on to that pretty strongly until I left home. But children will do what is natural to them, and the goddess was always natural to me. I imagined her presence everyhere, and even drew traditional goddess symbols without ever having seen them before, without knowing what they were. I had a specific connection with Athena from a very young age. I can't say why it was Athena exactly, but I liked her a lot. I drew her constantly.
I still haven't totally figured out how specific deities play into the big picture of things, as my spirituality these days tends to be more formless. But humans are part of god and as such the things that humans give life to in our hearts are as real as anything physical. The amazing thing about the godforce is that there are no limts to its expression- and those expressions of specific deities are simply parts of a whole, as we humans are ndividual parts of a whole because everything is connected. So I think it's pretty cool to have formless and form simultaneously. They are mirrors for us to look into and see ourselves. Conscious slivers of divinity broken down into pieces that we can relate to on a more personal level. God will speak to us in whatever form we resonate with or whatever form we need, and if that form is Isis or Idunna or the Morrighan, well, so be it. God is huge- more vast and huge than the whole of humanity put together could ever possibly comprehend. I think it's extremely good-natured of god to break itself down into different identities for us.
So Athena. I cannot deny her presence. I do not pray to her, I do not even refer to her specifically most of the time. I go through long periods without even thinking of her. But she's there and has never gone away. She is a constant solid presence, very subtle in her movement.
She's got a pretty cool birth story. Her mother was Metis, a goddess of wisdom. Zeus swallowed Metis and Athena sprung fully grown and clothed from Zeus' head, giving him one hell of a headache. She is the divine feminine who will not be suppressed by masculine yang. Ancient Greek society certainly was not woman-centric, in fact the ancient Greek ladies had a bit of a rough time, yet Athens was named for her, and she is immortalized as an astoundingly powerful goddess.
I think sometimes specific deities come to us in a lifelong relationship because we need them, somehow. We need something they stand for. They help us to see that we hold the same qualities they do, and they are here to teach us to discover these treasures within ourselves and how to effectively use those gifts.
Some people may never experience this, and there's nothing lesser about that. The important thing is communication with the godforce, in whatever capacity we need. The method doesn't matter as much as the relationship. A relationship not bound by the constraints of religions, but one of freedom in which we can experence our own connection to the divine in a way that is as unique as each of us are. The word religion comes from the Latin religare, which means to bind. But knowing god is freedom, and god certainly cannot be bound the way our human minds can be.
I believe that the more we participate in this divine relationship and acknowledge it in every fiber of our existence, the more that relationship plays out and works wonders in our lives. The more we open ourselves to it, the more it is there for us.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Tuesday
I haven't written much lately but I sure have been thinking a lot.
My current personal challenge is dealng with irritation, mainly my elephant neighbors. I think what annoys me most, other than the noise, is their attitude about it.
They said the landlord threatened eviction, and I think that's not right either. So now I don't know what to do to get them to stop stomping.
Also, I cut my hair and the hardresser got scissor-happy and cut off literally twice as much as I asked her to. She lopped off 8 inches instead of four. So I miss my hair and am still in shock but it doesn't look bad. I'll have it back by summer. She did a very nice job with my highlights though.
So the irritation thing...it's something I really struggle with. And the city makes it worse. I crave silence like a drug. I crave open space. Nature wthout the street a few feet away. The smell of grass. Dew. Looking at the horizon as it fades into the distance with no buildings in sight.
Being irritated makes me feel distant from the bliss of god. I haven't been specifically meditating lately except in my normal thoughts. I believe the reason for this is becasue I was on spiritual overload with so much comng at me in such a short time and I'm just taking a needed break. Or I'm lazy and feel mildly depressed. Or its everything.
And the thumping of the neighbors disturbs my meditation. They are awake very early 4, 5am...I feel a loss of quiet morning solitude. It's affecting me. I feel like I've lost somethng important.
Oh, but I passed my test from the other week!!!
My current personal challenge is dealng with irritation, mainly my elephant neighbors. I think what annoys me most, other than the noise, is their attitude about it.
They said the landlord threatened eviction, and I think that's not right either. So now I don't know what to do to get them to stop stomping.
Also, I cut my hair and the hardresser got scissor-happy and cut off literally twice as much as I asked her to. She lopped off 8 inches instead of four. So I miss my hair and am still in shock but it doesn't look bad. I'll have it back by summer. She did a very nice job with my highlights though.
So the irritation thing...it's something I really struggle with. And the city makes it worse. I crave silence like a drug. I crave open space. Nature wthout the street a few feet away. The smell of grass. Dew. Looking at the horizon as it fades into the distance with no buildings in sight.
Being irritated makes me feel distant from the bliss of god. I haven't been specifically meditating lately except in my normal thoughts. I believe the reason for this is becasue I was on spiritual overload with so much comng at me in such a short time and I'm just taking a needed break. Or I'm lazy and feel mildly depressed. Or its everything.
And the thumping of the neighbors disturbs my meditation. They are awake very early 4, 5am...I feel a loss of quiet morning solitude. It's affecting me. I feel like I've lost somethng important.
Oh, but I passed my test from the other week!!!
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Dear God
Dear God,
I understand and accept that there are some things I am very good at, and some things I am very bad at. That's just fine with me.
I also understand that sometimes in life I will be called to do things that I am very bad at. But...please, why does it have to be algebra? Please help me understand why I still get the answer wrong when I plug all the right numbers in the right places in the right formula...pretty please help me out on ths one.
Because I have a lot of formulas in my near future.
So I need a lot of help. Quickly. The test is on Thursday.
Love and kisses,
J
I understand and accept that there are some things I am very good at, and some things I am very bad at. That's just fine with me.
I also understand that sometimes in life I will be called to do things that I am very bad at. But...please, why does it have to be algebra? Please help me understand why I still get the answer wrong when I plug all the right numbers in the right places in the right formula...pretty please help me out on ths one.
Because I have a lot of formulas in my near future.
So I need a lot of help. Quickly. The test is on Thursday.
Love and kisses,
J
Friday, January 12, 2007
Solar Plexus
I'm waxing verbose today!
Guess everything is ready to come out.
That uncomfy feeling? It's my solar plexus acting up again. It's nowhere near as bad as it was at this time last year though.
Let me explain. When everything happened and I moved out, something happened to my solar plexus. I don't know if I sustained some sort of metaphysical injury or it was just a manifestation of what I was going through, the fear and insecurity, but I had some really bad pain and discomfort for a long time. I'm not talking at all about physical injury- my chakra was somehow hurt or damaged in the front. And that hurts just as much as physical pain. It took a long time to heal- 7, 8 months.
So my solar plexus hurts now, again. Which explains why it's taking a while to go away.
*******
There's some scary stuff that happened that I never talked about to anyone...it's not the kind of stuff I can really discuss with people. Because its weird-scary stuff.
Things started happening around my apartment when the X started going crazy and being generally evil. I know that he was bringing stuff home, so to speak. Some of it on purpose. Looking back, I should have gotten SO MAD about that, most especially since I was pregnant. Except getting SO MAD would have been dangerous though, and I knew it, which accounts for my exaggerated passivity.
***
My bedroom in 204 had its own bathroom. The mirror over the sink faced out into the bedroom. As a rule, even way before I met the X, I never slept in a room with uncovered mirrors. They are doorways. I knew that. What I never had direct experience with was things coming through them. Something very malicious started coming through that mirror. I was awake and aware of it when it first happened. I felt it. I told the X and he said he'd take care of it. And he sort-of did, except his patch-up solutions never held up for very long. I saw his patch job on the dreamscape. It had hands and patrolling the barrier. But the patch job never held up long, and when things came broke out, they always did right at the 3am hour. I would have those waking dreams about it. The X had a katana that never shut up. Ironically enough, it helped me on more than one occasion. I don't know if any mystical kanji teaching still exists, but kanji can be used very effectively in energy work, much like runes. In lucid dreams, the sword showed me sequences to block the mirror-doorway. It wanted a kanji to seal but I don't have a kanji database in my mind. Eventually I broke the mirror with the sword in the lucid dream state, and things got much better after that.
Then, whatever was trying to get through hit the other mirror in the other bathroom. That was never as much of a problem, though.
**
My cat does not spook easily. One evening I came home from work and found her absolutely stark terrified. Her water dish was always kept in the bathroom in the bedroom, and it was knocked over, very far from its original location. The cat wouldn't go near the bedroom for hours. And she had to be coaxed back in gradually. I still never know what terrified her so.
**
Daya was born on a Wednesday. The Saturday before she was born I was home alone (as usual) . I had been home all day and in the evening went to the kitchen to make dinner. My kitchen sink was filled with bloody water. I was in shock; Then, with no action from me whatsoever, it drained away.
Guess everything is ready to come out.
That uncomfy feeling? It's my solar plexus acting up again. It's nowhere near as bad as it was at this time last year though.
Let me explain. When everything happened and I moved out, something happened to my solar plexus. I don't know if I sustained some sort of metaphysical injury or it was just a manifestation of what I was going through, the fear and insecurity, but I had some really bad pain and discomfort for a long time. I'm not talking at all about physical injury- my chakra was somehow hurt or damaged in the front. And that hurts just as much as physical pain. It took a long time to heal- 7, 8 months.
So my solar plexus hurts now, again. Which explains why it's taking a while to go away.
*******
There's some scary stuff that happened that I never talked about to anyone...it's not the kind of stuff I can really discuss with people. Because its weird-scary stuff.
Things started happening around my apartment when the X started going crazy and being generally evil. I know that he was bringing stuff home, so to speak. Some of it on purpose. Looking back, I should have gotten SO MAD about that, most especially since I was pregnant. Except getting SO MAD would have been dangerous though, and I knew it, which accounts for my exaggerated passivity.
***
My bedroom in 204 had its own bathroom. The mirror over the sink faced out into the bedroom. As a rule, even way before I met the X, I never slept in a room with uncovered mirrors. They are doorways. I knew that. What I never had direct experience with was things coming through them. Something very malicious started coming through that mirror. I was awake and aware of it when it first happened. I felt it. I told the X and he said he'd take care of it. And he sort-of did, except his patch-up solutions never held up for very long. I saw his patch job on the dreamscape. It had hands and patrolling the barrier. But the patch job never held up long, and when things came broke out, they always did right at the 3am hour. I would have those waking dreams about it. The X had a katana that never shut up. Ironically enough, it helped me on more than one occasion. I don't know if any mystical kanji teaching still exists, but kanji can be used very effectively in energy work, much like runes. In lucid dreams, the sword showed me sequences to block the mirror-doorway. It wanted a kanji to seal but I don't have a kanji database in my mind. Eventually I broke the mirror with the sword in the lucid dream state, and things got much better after that.
Then, whatever was trying to get through hit the other mirror in the other bathroom. That was never as much of a problem, though.
**
My cat does not spook easily. One evening I came home from work and found her absolutely stark terrified. Her water dish was always kept in the bathroom in the bedroom, and it was knocked over, very far from its original location. The cat wouldn't go near the bedroom for hours. And she had to be coaxed back in gradually. I still never know what terrified her so.
**
Daya was born on a Wednesday. The Saturday before she was born I was home alone (as usual) . I had been home all day and in the evening went to the kitchen to make dinner. My kitchen sink was filled with bloody water. I was in shock; Then, with no action from me whatsoever, it drained away.
Fears
I don't know quite why I feel so unsettled inside. It's going away slowly. Very unpleasant. I know it's not premonition and I know everything is ok. I think, pure and simply, its just work-related fear and insecurity. Just part of being human. Part of being a woman in a man's world. Part of being a single mom.
After graduating art school I ended up on Wall Street. Weirdly enough, I ended up doing what I went to school for. And I like that just fine. One of my most personal major milestones was passing my Series 7- with an 82%. (That's the stockbroker's license test.) That, to me, was an accomplishment that told me I can do anything I put my mind to. Because I am not oriented towards the financial markets. And anything beyond basic math scares me. I understand the basic stuff, but afterwards I struggle. I can do it, and I taught it for a few years in the classroom, but it's not my forte. And, I have been away from working directly with the markets for a while, and now I'm back to working more closely with them, as my role is a trainer to our clients, who are financial markets professionals.
Later next week I am taking the first in a series of internal certification tests. I know I'll do fine, but I feel...inadequate. This stuff doesn't come easy to me. Give me oils and pigment load, liners and filberts, turps, color contrasts, glazes, conceptual composition, and I'm in heaven. Algebra? No. And yet, I know there's a connection somewhere. I just might not be very interested in it.
One of my gifts is that I can take two completely unrelated things and draw the simlarities and correlations betwen them. Apparently from the test I took that told me this in the analysis, this is not a common way of thinking. So I need to use this gift to find a way to make the thinking part of this financial markets stuff relevant to me. Cats, I feel like I'm back in high school Algebra!
My spirituality is extremely yin. I crave feminine flow. My personality has a yang imbalance- too much yang. And for whatever reason, and I know for a fact that it wasn't arbitrary, I am here wth the financial markets instead of working for someone like Pixar or in a creative capacity. Perhaps it is preserving my creativity, otherwise I might be tapped out. For sure it would be re-directed and perhaps thinned out. I don't know.
Sound makes geometric dimensional patterns. Fractals. I think perhaps those patterns are different sound waves woven together in some spatial place, but I don't know. I just know that I see them. Sometimes they are planar wth patterns, sometimes in color and sometimes in black and white. I see them often, especially if I am very relaxed and a loud sudden noise happens. And I sometimes see them with music. They are very beautiful. They move and are dynamic. I am absolutely fascinated by them.
I've really diverged from the original intent of this post. So yes, I think I'm just at a low point in my internal cycle, just feeling a bit weak or delicate inside.
What I need to do, and I will as soon as Daya goes back into her own room (have been painting the room, more on that later), is take up my morning meditations again. I feel unfocused and distant. Ready to continue agin. I need it, and I can hear that inner voice of guidance gently helping me. Because of that inner voice, I have started taking daily vitamins and flax seed oil, and I do truly feel so much better physically lately. Now I need my regular spiritual diet and I think that will help this unsettled feeling.
But really, it's ok to be scared as a human sometimes. This world is a scary place. We are delicate creatures, up against constant onslaughts of fear and insecurity. We can die at any time. Or be incapacitated. The most important thing is to remember that we are always taken care of. And I truly believe that the more you actively involve Spirit in your life, the more that energy is able to come to you and help direct your life accordingly. It's a relationship, just like any other. You get from it what you put into it.
After graduating art school I ended up on Wall Street. Weirdly enough, I ended up doing what I went to school for. And I like that just fine. One of my most personal major milestones was passing my Series 7- with an 82%. (That's the stockbroker's license test.) That, to me, was an accomplishment that told me I can do anything I put my mind to. Because I am not oriented towards the financial markets. And anything beyond basic math scares me. I understand the basic stuff, but afterwards I struggle. I can do it, and I taught it for a few years in the classroom, but it's not my forte. And, I have been away from working directly with the markets for a while, and now I'm back to working more closely with them, as my role is a trainer to our clients, who are financial markets professionals.
Later next week I am taking the first in a series of internal certification tests. I know I'll do fine, but I feel...inadequate. This stuff doesn't come easy to me. Give me oils and pigment load, liners and filberts, turps, color contrasts, glazes, conceptual composition, and I'm in heaven. Algebra? No. And yet, I know there's a connection somewhere. I just might not be very interested in it.
One of my gifts is that I can take two completely unrelated things and draw the simlarities and correlations betwen them. Apparently from the test I took that told me this in the analysis, this is not a common way of thinking. So I need to use this gift to find a way to make the thinking part of this financial markets stuff relevant to me. Cats, I feel like I'm back in high school Algebra!
My spirituality is extremely yin. I crave feminine flow. My personality has a yang imbalance- too much yang. And for whatever reason, and I know for a fact that it wasn't arbitrary, I am here wth the financial markets instead of working for someone like Pixar or in a creative capacity. Perhaps it is preserving my creativity, otherwise I might be tapped out. For sure it would be re-directed and perhaps thinned out. I don't know.
Sound makes geometric dimensional patterns. Fractals. I think perhaps those patterns are different sound waves woven together in some spatial place, but I don't know. I just know that I see them. Sometimes they are planar wth patterns, sometimes in color and sometimes in black and white. I see them often, especially if I am very relaxed and a loud sudden noise happens. And I sometimes see them with music. They are very beautiful. They move and are dynamic. I am absolutely fascinated by them.
I've really diverged from the original intent of this post. So yes, I think I'm just at a low point in my internal cycle, just feeling a bit weak or delicate inside.
What I need to do, and I will as soon as Daya goes back into her own room (have been painting the room, more on that later), is take up my morning meditations again. I feel unfocused and distant. Ready to continue agin. I need it, and I can hear that inner voice of guidance gently helping me. Because of that inner voice, I have started taking daily vitamins and flax seed oil, and I do truly feel so much better physically lately. Now I need my regular spiritual diet and I think that will help this unsettled feeling.
But really, it's ok to be scared as a human sometimes. This world is a scary place. We are delicate creatures, up against constant onslaughts of fear and insecurity. We can die at any time. Or be incapacitated. The most important thing is to remember that we are always taken care of. And I truly believe that the more you actively involve Spirit in your life, the more that energy is able to come to you and help direct your life accordingly. It's a relationship, just like any other. You get from it what you put into it.
Perceptions and Realities
I've been absorbing some stuff for the past few days. I'm still feeling slightly unsteady inside but I know it will pass.
Back on New Year's I mentioned how my intention is to make my inner peace and my external self congruent. I guess that learning process has started. This may prove to be an interesting road.
A few days ago we had performance reviews at work. In this company, part of the review process entails peer review. The bottom line is that you get reviewed on your work, but also on everyone's perception of you. I am used to being a high performer and I did get a very good review. But the truth is that I do not do corporate politics. And unfortunately they're necessary to advance. I do have a direct nature, and I am quiet but usually very friendly. Most of the feedback I got was extremely positive, but some of the negative stuff I found to be very suprising as it's actually quite far off the truth. But I do understand why the perceptions are as they are, and part of that has been my job role and that I haven't had the opportunity to be visible in certain areas. My manager basically summed up my review as being 80% to the next level except for the social schmooze factor.
And the truth is that I am also in a new environment where people don't really know me. I've come through a hell of a lot of change in the past year, and I do think I've done a damn good job of it all. I do not want or expect my co-workers to see or even know about all of it. The truth is that none of them could ever know or understand exactly what I have been through this year. As with everything else, in order to balance everything this year I just do my best. I am carrying a lot of weight. I have been through massive adjustments. Only I can see exactly how well I have handled all of the stress.
The truth is that the social schmooze thing has never been a strong point for me. I am the kind of person who has a few really good friends. I am not a large-scale social person. I hate large parties. Throughout my life I have always been different from everyone around me. And that is something that I am ok with, in fact, glad of. But it does come with a price of being misunderstood. If I am calm, people think I am sad and moody. If I am lively, people think I'm stressed out and high-strung. Also, I am an artist working with financial markets people. There's a big gap right there. My spiritual perspective, I know for a fact, also stands me apart. They don't (and shouldn't) see it, but I do. And I don't know how to say that wthout it having perhaps negative connotations, but it's just true, not a judgement. That doesn't make me or them any better or worse, just different.
Intelligence and personality tests rank me in a very small percentage of the population as well.
The point of all this is that I need to learn how to better understand/be aware of/manage perceptions. Not that those perceptions are bad, but there are certain things I would like to, I guess for lack of a better word, emanate. I also have to wonder how those perceptions would be different if I was a man, because I do have a lot of outwardly male personality traits. And often others don't like to see that in a woman. So what would be perceved as ok for a man is not as ok for a woman.
As an example of something I would like to emanate, I would like to be seen as someone who is kind. Which I generally am. My shadow to that is irritation.
When I was with the X there seemed to be a lot of pressure to be a "correct" spiritual way. For example, being a "peoples' person". Which I'm not, though sometimes I would like to be. It's an interesting paradox, that I'm not really a people person, though I do have a deeply compassionate heart and I enjoy helping people. So I'm learning that my nature doesn't need to be changed in order to be aligned with god. But my ultimate goal is to be a being that emanates pure love to everyone.
The other thing that I know to be true is that we all see ourselves in each other. So, I cannot expect people to see me (or anyone else for that matter) clearly because they are looking through a lense clouded by their own stored pain, issues, self image, insecurities, etc. We can only see ourselves and others to the level of our own understanding. That's just how it is.
What really turns me off though, is petty meanness. People lie all the time. They are false. About things they don't need to lie about, even. My sister and I were talking about this very thing, because one of my perhaps weak points or naivety is that I don't notice it because I am not like that. She is not either, so she understands. I very, very rarely-to-never tell a lie. I prefer dealing with honesty and in honesty. That is something I take seriously to my core. And I don't think it of other people either. And yet, it's all around me. Human meanness and dishonesty is something I really, really dislike. It makes me want to leave humanty and become a monk.
So anyhow, this post has been swimming around in me for a few days now. My heart still feels a little funny, totally unnecessarily I know, but I know this is all learning experience. I sincerely hope and pray for the wisdom of clarity and understanding.
Back on New Year's I mentioned how my intention is to make my inner peace and my external self congruent. I guess that learning process has started. This may prove to be an interesting road.
A few days ago we had performance reviews at work. In this company, part of the review process entails peer review. The bottom line is that you get reviewed on your work, but also on everyone's perception of you. I am used to being a high performer and I did get a very good review. But the truth is that I do not do corporate politics. And unfortunately they're necessary to advance. I do have a direct nature, and I am quiet but usually very friendly. Most of the feedback I got was extremely positive, but some of the negative stuff I found to be very suprising as it's actually quite far off the truth. But I do understand why the perceptions are as they are, and part of that has been my job role and that I haven't had the opportunity to be visible in certain areas. My manager basically summed up my review as being 80% to the next level except for the social schmooze factor.
And the truth is that I am also in a new environment where people don't really know me. I've come through a hell of a lot of change in the past year, and I do think I've done a damn good job of it all. I do not want or expect my co-workers to see or even know about all of it. The truth is that none of them could ever know or understand exactly what I have been through this year. As with everything else, in order to balance everything this year I just do my best. I am carrying a lot of weight. I have been through massive adjustments. Only I can see exactly how well I have handled all of the stress.
The truth is that the social schmooze thing has never been a strong point for me. I am the kind of person who has a few really good friends. I am not a large-scale social person. I hate large parties. Throughout my life I have always been different from everyone around me. And that is something that I am ok with, in fact, glad of. But it does come with a price of being misunderstood. If I am calm, people think I am sad and moody. If I am lively, people think I'm stressed out and high-strung. Also, I am an artist working with financial markets people. There's a big gap right there. My spiritual perspective, I know for a fact, also stands me apart. They don't (and shouldn't) see it, but I do. And I don't know how to say that wthout it having perhaps negative connotations, but it's just true, not a judgement. That doesn't make me or them any better or worse, just different.
Intelligence and personality tests rank me in a very small percentage of the population as well.
The point of all this is that I need to learn how to better understand/be aware of/manage perceptions. Not that those perceptions are bad, but there are certain things I would like to, I guess for lack of a better word, emanate. I also have to wonder how those perceptions would be different if I was a man, because I do have a lot of outwardly male personality traits. And often others don't like to see that in a woman. So what would be perceved as ok for a man is not as ok for a woman.
As an example of something I would like to emanate, I would like to be seen as someone who is kind. Which I generally am. My shadow to that is irritation.
When I was with the X there seemed to be a lot of pressure to be a "correct" spiritual way. For example, being a "peoples' person". Which I'm not, though sometimes I would like to be. It's an interesting paradox, that I'm not really a people person, though I do have a deeply compassionate heart and I enjoy helping people. So I'm learning that my nature doesn't need to be changed in order to be aligned with god. But my ultimate goal is to be a being that emanates pure love to everyone.
The other thing that I know to be true is that we all see ourselves in each other. So, I cannot expect people to see me (or anyone else for that matter) clearly because they are looking through a lense clouded by their own stored pain, issues, self image, insecurities, etc. We can only see ourselves and others to the level of our own understanding. That's just how it is.
What really turns me off though, is petty meanness. People lie all the time. They are false. About things they don't need to lie about, even. My sister and I were talking about this very thing, because one of my perhaps weak points or naivety is that I don't notice it because I am not like that. She is not either, so she understands. I very, very rarely-to-never tell a lie. I prefer dealing with honesty and in honesty. That is something I take seriously to my core. And I don't think it of other people either. And yet, it's all around me. Human meanness and dishonesty is something I really, really dislike. It makes me want to leave humanty and become a monk.
So anyhow, this post has been swimming around in me for a few days now. My heart still feels a little funny, totally unnecessarily I know, but I know this is all learning experience. I sincerely hope and pray for the wisdom of clarity and understanding.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Mental Diets
One of the things having a child did to me was to increase exponentially my sensitivity to hurtful things happening to other people. While I was never insensitive, I was a lot more buffered before.
I sometimes think that I just don't have the heart for this world, for the violence and cruelty. Kindness is such a fundamental thing. We (hopefully) teach our children to share, be nice to people, do unto others, etc. And somehow, we live in an environment that contradicts all these things. Seriously, the nightly news content would be R rated in a movie!
Probably a lot of people will tell me to chill out on a lot of things, and perhaps they're right. But mainstream television, sitcoms...there is so much focus on mean come-backs, sexual references, violence, and shallowness.
I've said it before and I'll say it again- there is nothing funny or entertaining or amusing about people getting hurt. This is nothing new; it's been a part of humanity since we've been around. But I do not want my daughter growing up numbed out to the way people treat each other. I don't want her to say "Mom, it's just a game!" or "Mom, it's not real!" Because that doesn't matter- the concept and images are part of the overall mental diet. And you are what you eat.
The Buddhist concept of Right Association is something that I take very seriously. And I know as a parent that I'll have to find a happy medium, becasue I also cannot and will not raise my daughter in a vacuum. That's just as unhealthy as total exposure. She will need to be able to discern healthy from unhealthy for herself one day.
Many people have commented to me about my raising Daya vegetarian. Some say I'm depriving her. Some say "What if she wants to eat meat when she's older?" If she does, it's her business. Her choice. But while she's under my care, I have made a decision. As she gets older I'll explain to her the basis. If she goes on meat when she's a teenager, she'll just have to cook it herself. End of story.
I do feel children should be educated about the different types of dietary intake- food, sound, and visual. They all affect us. It's just as important to keep the mind healthy as the body. And often, especially in today's world, it's harder to raise kids on a healthy mind-diet with all the mainstream popular stuff. I'm still shocked over what's popular in music...and MTV is soft porn. Holy Cats, I feel so old!
Sometimes this particular area of parenthood scares the crap out of me.
I sometimes think that I just don't have the heart for this world, for the violence and cruelty. Kindness is such a fundamental thing. We (hopefully) teach our children to share, be nice to people, do unto others, etc. And somehow, we live in an environment that contradicts all these things. Seriously, the nightly news content would be R rated in a movie!
Probably a lot of people will tell me to chill out on a lot of things, and perhaps they're right. But mainstream television, sitcoms...there is so much focus on mean come-backs, sexual references, violence, and shallowness.
I've said it before and I'll say it again- there is nothing funny or entertaining or amusing about people getting hurt. This is nothing new; it's been a part of humanity since we've been around. But I do not want my daughter growing up numbed out to the way people treat each other. I don't want her to say "Mom, it's just a game!" or "Mom, it's not real!" Because that doesn't matter- the concept and images are part of the overall mental diet. And you are what you eat.
The Buddhist concept of Right Association is something that I take very seriously. And I know as a parent that I'll have to find a happy medium, becasue I also cannot and will not raise my daughter in a vacuum. That's just as unhealthy as total exposure. She will need to be able to discern healthy from unhealthy for herself one day.
Many people have commented to me about my raising Daya vegetarian. Some say I'm depriving her. Some say "What if she wants to eat meat when she's older?" If she does, it's her business. Her choice. But while she's under my care, I have made a decision. As she gets older I'll explain to her the basis. If she goes on meat when she's a teenager, she'll just have to cook it herself. End of story.
I do feel children should be educated about the different types of dietary intake- food, sound, and visual. They all affect us. It's just as important to keep the mind healthy as the body. And often, especially in today's world, it's harder to raise kids on a healthy mind-diet with all the mainstream popular stuff. I'm still shocked over what's popular in music...and MTV is soft porn. Holy Cats, I feel so old!
Sometimes this particular area of parenthood scares the crap out of me.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Shout, Ludmilla!
I have somehow managed to misplace (read: lose) my spray bottle of Shout. As anyone with a toddler knows, effective stain removal is an absolute necessity.
It's been days now, and I'm beyond clueless to know where the damn thing went. I looked everywhere (ok, everywhere except where it is, obviously), and there is just no explanation for the disappearance.
This is really annoying. It's annoying simply because I can't find it, not because of the white shirt with chocolate blob on it needing treatment. Unfortunately I tend to get fixated and obsessive/compulsive about finding lost items, so I've been really stewing over this for the past few days.
When I was a kid and things would disappear and I denied involvement (often in truth!), my mother would meanly and sarcastically yell at me that it must have been "the ghost".
Until one day I said the ghost's name was Ludmilla.
She never mentioned the "ghost" again.
It's been days now, and I'm beyond clueless to know where the damn thing went. I looked everywhere (ok, everywhere except where it is, obviously), and there is just no explanation for the disappearance.
This is really annoying. It's annoying simply because I can't find it, not because of the white shirt with chocolate blob on it needing treatment. Unfortunately I tend to get fixated and obsessive/compulsive about finding lost items, so I've been really stewing over this for the past few days.
When I was a kid and things would disappear and I denied involvement (often in truth!), my mother would meanly and sarcastically yell at me that it must have been "the ghost".
Until one day I said the ghost's name was Ludmilla.
She never mentioned the "ghost" again.
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