Read Me

I'm something of a book fiend.

As a child and into my adult years I was a compulsive reader. A fiction junkie. I read during class, after school, after bedtime, you get the idea. My mother used to punish me by taking away the book I was currently reading. I would always find where she hid it, and finish reading it before she eventually returned it to me.

The past few years I have been reading less. I didn't read much at all when I was married. Now, other than a few books here and there, I read more blogs than anything else, and I miss reading. Miss that addictive compulsion of having to read the damn book until the end, even if it means staying up until 3am. My mind doesn't seem to want to focus as much, or, perhaps I just need a decent novel. The Girlfriend's Guide to Toddlers, while interesting, doesn't hold the same allure. Maybe that's because it's too much like real life.

Good fiction has always been a staple of my mental diet. Which isn't suprising, because I'm a dreamer by nature. I love love love a good story with well-developed characters, interesting personalities and conflicts. Intelligent writing. I've just found reading a little harder to get into lately. Also problematic is that I somehow insist on owning books that I like, and I have way too many as it is. The solution to the book over-population may not be to stop reading though.

My friend gave me a War of the Roses romance novel she loved. I started reading it last night. I do not think I've read a romance novel since those Harlequin novels my friend Marcie and I read in 8th grade. It's ok, I like the historical setting. But the beginning annoyed me and I wanted to yell at a few people for being so ridiculously stupid. Romance novels are too fluffy-dramatic for my taste, but I'll probably finish it because the historical detail is interesting. At the very least I know that I still find romances a bit drippy and shallow.

I want my compulsive reading bug back.

2007

2006

I am glad this is the last day of 2006. What a year it's been. Such a journey of discovery. One of those things that you know is necessary to go through but you can't help looking forward to being at the end.

Usually I don't make a big deal out of New Year's. This year it seems significant in some way. Perhaps it's because I am so optimistic about 2007, in other ways the end of this year is laying to rest my transition.

Circumstances bringing me and Daya into the New Year are good. My tiny tiny studio apartment feels so far away- this new apartment is wonderful. Financially I am moving into the new year with a little extra, and my financial planning for next year will have me and Daya in a good place. My goal is to completely eliminate the marriage-debt next year, and with the way things are going that is within my ability to do.

2007 will bring me finalized divorce papers. I wish that had happened this year but it shouldn't be long now.

******
In September of 2005 I had a dream that I was in a race at night, on horseback. A man lay by the side of the road, dying, and a woman was trying to save him. I stopped to help them and I healed the man. Stopping meant that I would not place first in the race. I finished anyhow, and a voice told me that I had won after all- not because I came in first, but because I had stopped to help the dying man. Then I was racing quickly and smoothly towards my destination, a dark tunnel towards the water and a boat. I could not see them but I knew they were there. Tiny pinpricks of light guided me at every step. There was light at the end, and bliss.

That dream gave me comfort and a solid peace when I had it. Though I was told by the Ex it meant my death in childbirth, I knew differently. I feel that I am somehow going towards that place of bliss, and I look forward to the next leg in my Journey.

*******

If I had New Year's resolutions, mine would be to make my inner peace and my outer behaviour congruent. I would like to learn how to go above everyday irritations. Often I find myself misunderstood, and I would like to come to terms with that and understand why. I wish for a solid peace to surround me.

How different would I be of I was out of this urban environment? That, too, will come in time.

True freedom begins in the infinity of the mind.

Tigers and Teeth

Daya update email

Mar 5, 2006

Hi everyone!

I am 3 1/2 months old.  Because I am so big, people
always think that I am about 6 months old.  They are
always so suprised to hear that I'm still mostly
brand-new.

People like me because I am very cute and I have lots
of hair.  So they do nice things for me.  A few nights
ago my mom and I were on our way home.  We were
waiting for the bus, and it was very, very cold
outside.  An off-duty bus driver picked us up!  We
didn't stop until all the way to when we got home.
That bus driver is a very nice man.

My mom gave me her Tiger.  He lives in my crib.  She
says he's very special because she had him since she
was three years old.  (I am not sure what three years
old is)  But I like him a lot.  I like his stripes.
Every night he helps me fall asleep.  We have a nice
long chat with each other, then he snuggles with me.
I put pictures in to show you.

My mouth is doing funny things.  I'm starting to itch
or something.  My mom says it's because I am just
starting to teethe.  I'm not sure what teeth are but
they don't sound good.  I hope it stops soon.

I think my cat wants to be friends.  One time she
sniffed my hand before she ran away really fast.  That
must be a definite sign of friendship.  I am convinced
we are building the foundation of a lasting
relationship.

Enjoy the pictures!

Love,
Daya (and Jessica)

3 Month Update

Archiving old emails from when Daya was a baby into my blog.

**********
Feb 2006

Hi everyone,

I turned 3 months old last week.  In celebration, I got:
1 (one) shot from the doctor and
2 (two) ears pierced!

I barely cried at all.

I am HUGE. I already weigh 15.4lbs, and I am 25 1/2
inches long.  The doctor said I am in the 98th
percentile for size and growth.  In the last month, I
gained 4 lbs!!

Mom says that because I am 3 months old it's time
for me to try and sleep through the night.  I don't
think this is a very good idea.  Mom keeps saying
something about how I'm old enough now to learn and it would
be really great because she has not had an
uninterrupted night's sleep for 7 months.  Unfortunately the
doctor is on her side. I think I need a new doctor.

I have 2 hands!  They're really cool.  Mom keeps
saying someting about I have feet too, but I don't
know what the heck she's talking about.

I want to talk sooo badly, and I'll have a good
conversation with anyone who will listen.  And talk
back.  The cat won't talk back to me though, she
just runs away.

Yesterday I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
It was my very first museum trip ever.  People
looked at me instead of the paintings, and lots of people
kept saying they loved my leopard print socks. 

When I was at the museum we went to the gift store
and I picked out some fun presents for my friends Yumiko
and Miu who live in Japan.  I think it's cool that I
already have friends all over the world.

My mom says she'll teach me to paint, too, when I
get just a little bit bigger.  I think I will paint
better than those museum paintings.

Mom keeps trying to get a picture with me and the
cat,but the cat doesn't like me very much (yet).  She
won't sit anywhere near me, so I took pictures with
my horse instead.  (Thanx Christine for my horse!)

Thanks to **everyone** who has given me such nice
things.  You are all so wonderful and thoughtful.

Check out the attached Word document for the latest
pictures of me!  There are 4 pages.  Don't forget to
look at my leopard socks!

Love,
Daya (and Jessica)

A Cool Thing

My desk here at work is right by the window, directly facing the pole the New Year's ball drops from in Times Square.

The ball hasn't been put up yet, but as of this morning there are a few workers up there doing the electrical wiring.

About Nothing

I've been waiting out the rest of 2006. It's been a full year, and I am ready to move on to my future. I feel very optimistic about 2007.

A co-worker and I were talking today about how people are judged by physical appearance in the workplace. Women, specifically. She said it's just life, that's just how it is, what are you going to do. And I said what I am going to do is not be like that.

Really, it's things like that which make me so disgusted at humans. The superficiality of peoples' opinions. I go back and forth on humanity in general---I hate that poeple are so mean. Maybe I'm naive, maybe I'm just stupid, but when I encounter stuff like this I'm glad that I'm such a recluse.

Terrible Photos

Daya refused to take decent holiday pictures. I got one picture, from over 40 bad shots and two photo sessions.

Here is how she felt about having the picture taken:





And the one sort-of decent picture!

The Stupidest Question Ever

I used to firmly believe there is no such thing as a stupid question.

Today, this was proved wrong.

Co-worker: How did you make that screenshot?
Me: YOU made it.
Co-worker: I made it?
Me: YES, these are your files, YOU made them- don't you know your own work?

********
This week I have been angry a lot. At the above-mentioned co-worker. Really pissed off, actually. I do not enjoy being angry, though it's just part of experiencing life. So while being angry I try to observe it as much as possible. I find it unpleasant. It makes me feel distant from god. I don't like how I am when I'm angry like I've been. I'm very bitchy.

Goodbye, Lump!

I have a lump.

It's right near my left hip, and I first noticed it when I was 12...? 14...? I can't even remember, but I've lived with the lump for over 15 years. I've never been concerned about it and I'm still not. It's taken 15 years to get to a size of 3cm.

But today, the demise of the lump is at hand.

I do not think I will miss it very much.

********
Update: The Lump is gone. (yay) Turns out it was a cyst the size of a golfball. (ew) It sure didn't seem that big! Surgeon lady was super-fabulous.

I am still skeeved out.

I do not miss the Lump.

Tackiest Presents Ever

Its holiday time, retail mayhem, tree holocausts, the crowds of buying stuff and stuff and more stuff and more stuff after that, and I hate it.

That's why I try and steer clear as much as possible.

But enough about my anti-holiday spirit...let's talk about gift giving!
Here is a list of the worst presents I've ever gotten. I'm very sorry to say that they all came from the same person.

*For my high school graduation I received an oven mitt, pot holder, and dish towel that said "Mi casa es su casa". Because I studied Spanish.

*For my college graduation I received (with a Wal-Mart sticker) a matted print tryptich of Anne Geddes baby photos wearing cactus hats. Because I like cacti.

The other thing that peeves me off about gift giving is the mindset that anything given MUST be attached to an occasion to justify it.

Giving should come from the heart, not obligation to an occasion.

And that's why I don't have a holiday list.

Today's Wisdom

It always amazes me how the universe communicates in such small, subtle ways that really speak to the core of our beings. This weekend I've again been struggling. Once again I've received my encouragement.

Perhaps most people would think me crazy, stupid, flaky, whatever. But I don't care. I am a dreamer. I have a vast inner life and I feel the force of the goddess in my heart. I believe in faith and flow, and the power of intentions and thoughts. When I feel a bit lonely and strange to the world around me, all I have to do is think of how I do NOT want to be- so many of the traits I see around me constantly.

As a side note, personality tests and intelligence/thinking tests I've taken rank me in a very small percentage of the population. I also have a rare blood type.

Anyhow, here's today's wisdom, which was exactly what I needed to hear, and what appeared as a single sheet of paper in a box of kitchen things I was unpacking.

"...one needs to become a professional waiter. Amateur waiters wait inside their emotions, they fret and worry and pine, and they focus on what they don't have, rather than on what they do have. The professional waiter is more Zen, he or she waits inside their eternity. They sit and wait because it is in their nature to do so, nothing much moves them. They are detached from the tumbling mental scenarios usually associated with waiting.

Professional waiting usually deals with tangible things: planes, boats and train, waiting for stuff to arrive. But beyond that there is the intangible, the unseen things we wait for. I term that 'deep waiting'. It doesn't involve logic; it is a form of waiting that asks you to hold an idea sacrosanct in your feelings knowing it will come to pass, when there is no logic of any kind to support the idea. It's a kind of spiritual waiting, a deep sense of trust in God."

-Stuart Wilde

Differing Views

As of yesterday, it has been one year since I moved out. And I forgot, which is a great thing.

Daya loves her pacifiers. She doesn't have a favorite, she just loves them all.

I do NOT love them and am just biding my time until they all disappear for good.

No More Baby

Over the past few weeks, a slow and sinking realization has been settling in: I don't have a baby anymore.

I have a toddler.

Oh. My. God.

I am very, very scared.

Does this mean I actually (really and truly) have to stick to a routine more involved than waking up at the same time and going to sleep at more or less the same time? And change my bad habits stemming from the laziness acquired from living alone?

Oh Shit.

The Snoring Cat

I was having a lovely dream in the early hours of the morning when, suddenly, in my dream I heard a strange high-pitched....sound. I thought, "What is that noise?", then promptly woke up to the cat snoring in my ear.

!Tengo Vergüenza!

Today started a new day with the new babysitter. I was to bring Daya there at 8am. An extra hour in the morning for me, no more busses or crazy travel. I set my alarm for 1 hour ahead. Everything went according to plan. I dropped Daya off down the hall, and stopped home to get my laptop. Clock said 8:15. Great.

On the train, I looked out the window at one of the station clocks to check my time. Why did it say 7:36? I seriously thought that the subway people forgot to change the clocks a few weeks ago. But I still had a suspicion...

...that was confirmed when I got to work at exactly 8am. I called the sitter to apologize, they said it was fine but I am so embarassed. On the first day too!!!

Since the new sitter doesn't speak a word of English, I need to remember all of my Spanish.

Here are my words of today:

desempaquetar- to unpack
vacunacion- vaccination

Thanksgiving

Last year's Thanksgiving fell on 11/24. A year minus a day. I have a lot of trouble comprehending that at this exact time last year I was still living with the ex, 2 apartments ago, on maternity leave from a different job. I really have trouble with the time thing, because not even a year has passed and it feels more like 5 years. I look back and the time is so short, but the distance is so vast.

Last Thanksgiving was my breaking point. It was one of the most intensely painful days of my life. It was also my 8 day old daughter's first Thanksgiving. Also the last time I spoke with her grandparents.

When we take a leap of faith and jump off a cliff, we grow wings. Spirits come to catch us, but we have to take the initiative to jump. Which is the scariest thing in the world. Perhaps that is why the distance between then and now is so great; I haven't been walking, I have been flying. Sometimes through rain, sometimes soaring through brilliant sun, but this entire year has been such an amazing journey.

So this Thanksgiving, like last year, I am alone again, except it is by choice. My feeling of gratitude is so great, there are no sufficient words.

Thank you, to all the unseen forces that have guided me, helped me, spoken to me, and given me the strength to make it to where I am right now.

Thank you to all of the physical hands that have helped me.

Thank you to my Teachers who never knew they were Teachers.

Thank you.

Alkaline Living

I was talking to my sister the other day about TV. She's getting to the place where she can't really watch it anymore. Which I completely understand, having been without a television myself for the past 10 years. Ditching the tv was one of the most liberating and healthy things I have ever done.

Often I feel like a complete oddball in mainstream social situations, like with co-workers. To maintain and preserve my spiritual connection and focus over the years, I have felt the need to distance from popular culture. So I just keep my mouth shut, because my framework is so different. I woudn't be able to explain my perspective even if I wanted to. Someone recently told me that finding a similar person in this city is like finding life on another planet. It's so true.

Lately I'm trying to be conscious of the thoughts I project towards others. I'm not silently nice when I'm annoyed, like on the crowded subway and that woman just cannot move her sharp cornered bag in front of her so it doesnt impale the poor soul next to her.

But I'm working on just loving people actively and silently. There is so much nastiness going around and it makes me sad. I really don't want to be a part of it.

I grew up on a steady diet of nasty sarcasm. Both my sister and my mother have very mean, nasty sarcastic streaks. Nasty sarcasm is on my hate list, actually. Yesterday my sister threw some of that nastiness my way in an email, so I just stopped emailing back. I'll get over it and I didn't speak to her about it because I just don't see the point. It's just her own shit she's throwing at me, and I don't want it. But even after all these years, it still stings.

Last Day on the Q10

Today is our last day going to see Neashaw. I cried when I told her Daya and I were moving, and Neashaw cried last night. Switching babysitters won't be easy, Daya is literally a part of Neashaw's family. This whole thing is Neashaw's fault anyhow because she was burning that money incense. And it's a good circumstance for everyone, the good-byes are just hard.

I will NOT miss the Q10 bus though. But I've spoken to a lot of really nice strangers on the bus over this past year, and people know who I am, they recognize me from my daily routine. They like Daya.

First Birthday

Exactly one year ago I was in the hospital with a needle in my spine and an oxygen mask. And huge baby that was STILL stuck underneath my right ribs.

Then, right after 1pm, exactly on her due date, Daya appeared after forcible removal by c-section.

Here she is, exactly one year later, in her mop-head impish glory.

Happy Birthday Daya!

Elephants Upstairs

I'm a little cranky today because I was awake until midnight. Listening to the elephants upstairs. I've got some serious ceiling thunder, and its getting annoying. Called the super today and he'll talk to them. I hate complaining, because I'm sure they're lovely people, but I also dont like nights (and days!) filled with constant overhead stomping. I can literally hear every single step they take. I've been bad at getting apartment work done the past few days. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, but much of that might account for my morning schedule, which is thankfully only in effect until next Wednesday. It takes me an hour to get to Neashaw's house in the morning. I have been riduculously late to work, and leaving earlier, inexplicably, isn't helping. My body aches. And I'm going to lunch tomorrow with a guy I met while getting a newspaper. I'd like to be friends but I'm not interested in anything further. I think he is. Even so it's kind of cool that someone asked me out. Whle I was looking less than presentable, no less.

U-Haul, I-Haul, All-Haul

The move kicked my ass. I was laid out cold. My body quit. I'm exhausted. I'll never move again.

U-Haul rented me a diesel truck with gasoline in it. It died in the middle of Queens Blvd. So after being awake for 20 hours doing hard physical labor, I had to sit in a dead truck for over 3 hours. It was cold. I made them tow it.

I have the best friends in the world, who helped me move my couple-thousand books.

A Chinese fortune cookie told me last night: the attainment of one goal is the starting point to the next. The guide lights on my road are steady, not so far-spaced as they were before.

I feel like I am turning a new page in my life. I am somewhere new. Where he has never been. I have finally moved away from the events of last year and this year. I have a real apartment, a place that I can make a home instead of having an emergency roof over my head.

And...I have a dishwasher!!!

Ask and ye shall receive

These are not just idle words.

In my most stressed and difficult moments, I take a moment to breathe and ask for help. And that always help appears, in a perfectly orchestrated symphony. I am always in awe when it happens, each and every time, and deeply grateful.

It is an amazing flow to be part of.

It's Don't Get Dressed Day!

No, it's NOT Naked Day (sorry), but it is the day to not give a squat what you're wearing.

See, I was up at 4am. Woke up from a dream that I was packing, and I thought I was awake. But I wasn't, which means that none of the packing that I did in my dream actually got done. So I was very bummed.

I broke my sugar-free vegan fast with a Lindt White Chocolate truffle. At around 4:10am. Oh sweet Goddess.

Then, because I really did have to come into the office today, I decided I should get dressed. Except I didnt feel like it. So I'm wearing the same (yoga) pants I wore yesterday and a little t-shirt that probably lies just outside the bounds of the dress code. And my old doc maartens. And since I didnt get dressed today, neither did Daya. She's still in her purple fleecy feet pajamas, at the sitter's house.

Some days you just have to do these things.

The Grumpy Pumpkin

Well, she really wasn't as grumpy as she looks...

Today is the last day of my vegan-sugar free month. I think I need to pick a different discipline next time. Not dietary. I can do dietary discipline standing on my head, backwards, with my eyes closed. There's no challenge in it. I have actually maintained my sugar-free status and there is white chocolate in my apartment- the good quality stuff too.

Something with sleep...now that would be hard. I'll take sleep over food any time.

Pumpkin Shortage!

I am so unbelievably bummed. There are no pumpkins. Anywhere. I thought I was going crazy.

I had these plans to get 2 big pumpkins...carve one all fancy like a cat, and turn the other into several fresh pies and give them away to some people I like a lot.

Apparently the crop this year was devastated by the weather. My friend said there was a pumpkin fungus... (pungus?) which doesnt sound very conducive to pie-making.

2L or...2L

So I networked with some single moms in the area, and met one of them on Saturday. There is an available 2 bedroom apartment available right above her. It's a great apartment going for a really great price. Of course I was interested.

I told my landlord, and he offered me a one bedroom in his other building, for $80 more a month. Its a *huge* one bedroom. Did I say huge? Actually its bigger than the 2 bedroom and has 5 closets and a great kitchen and bathroom. And parquet floors. I tearfully have to change babysitters...the super's wife will watch Daya for $300 a month LESS than what I'm paying right now. And she's right down the hall. That almost offsets the increase in rent. There are several other factors as well (train, mail, laundry, elevator, friends close by, commute), so I am taking the one bedroom and will be moving sometime next month.

Both apartments are number 2L. I got chills when I heard that.

I am so, so, so excited to start living a decent quality of life. This is a huge upgrade for me. I'll have room for the bookshelves I desperately need. Even more importantly, I'll have a place to put Daya's clothing. And other basic furniture that I have no room for currently. Daya will have room to walk around.

And my cat will be happy.

Old Men

Spiritually speaking, I am more than distrustful of old men. And I'm not talking about human old men.

The ex used to speak of (in our later days) an old man that he used to see. I think it was bald. He said the old man told him to do things. In fact, he said that the old man told him told him to get rid of me.

He thought the old man was God.

When I was in the pagan group the leader, who went more and more crazy as time progressed, also referred to her primary god-figure as the Old Man. And we know how that situation turned out. (Though seriously, I wish her well. And I have nothing against Odin.)

Interesting to note that ALL patriarchial religions feature old men figures and images as godheads. I'm not going into how I feel about patriarchial religions or the awful, awful damage I see them cause, both on an individual and global level.

Early this morning I had a "visit" from a (the?) old man. It was not pleasant. I was in Grand Central and a man with long curly brown hair, dark sunglasses, and a black hat and suit was standing. He had a gold sequin-ey thing at his collar. I had Daya with me. He said "Do you like children?" I said "I like mine." Then he got a large black book with a band of gold sequins that matched his collar. He opened the book and for once, I was curious in a dream, and this book showed awful pictures of this old man's head coming out of people's chests. A bit grotesque. Then the man's face changed into that of the old man in the book. I yelled at him, called him disgusting, and I left. He started singing in a hypnotic voice to the general population, and it was broadcasting in the streets outside of the building. Another man, with long straight whitish hair, was going around singing something about save your soul, but I knew it was another face of the old man, which was interesting because they were opposites of each other.

Please someone bring in the goddess. Already.

Forget It

The child support court date is cancelled. I give up.

First the child Support people told me (three times, three different people) that serving to an international address was no problem. But it is a problem for South Africa, becaue it took me going down to court to find out they don't serve.

So I FedEx'd the papers. To the address that is in all the legal papers. The one his lawyer is using. They said it would arrive Friday. That Friday night I had a dream that he had received the package and he was talking to me about why I sent it.

This morning I got 10 voicemails, all from FedEx, left since October 6th. I just got all of them today. They said the address was incorrect. Whle I was on the phone the mailroom called saying they have my FedEx package.

My SA friend says it's definite funny business, becaue over there you can just pay the delivery guy to "take care of it". Happens all the time.

And the child support checks stopped. Which, ironically, I'm glad of since they just piss me off.

Gender Un-Bender

When Daya was the size of a peanut, everyone thought she was a boy. Despite being dressed head to toe in pink and sporting pierced ears.

Apparently, the mix-up is over. Because now, I can dress her in green and black and people know she's a girl! Even without the requisite ponytail!

Morning Glitch

This morning I got a phone call at 6:30am. When I saw the caller ID, I immediately knew I had no childcare arrangements for the day.

That can be a really sticky and scary thing when its just you, and there's no family to fall back on. Thankfully my fabulous amazing friends took Daya for today.

Apparently I have a backup care benefit from work, which I made sure I was actually registered for this morning. It costs a little $$, but at least its there. And it got me thinking...I leave Daya with others all the time. She's used to it and she doesn't mind. But I've only left her with 3 people she and I both know very well. Including the babysitter. And the other two practically count as one person. I'd be really scared to leave her at a daycare center. Firstly, because I don't trust them for kids under a certain age, and secondly, it would be a totally new environment with no familiar people.

I hope I never have to find out how that would go.

Walking Man's Road

I think I have finally learned the detriment of sharing deep personal revelations with anyone, even people who I thought would understand. But I am misunderstood, again, and I'm suprised at how much it hurts.

"Is it better to have words left unsaid, or to have words misunderstood?"
-Cowboy Junkies

Surreal Circles and...Wow!

I'm taking a software class this weekend. Exactly one year and a couple of weeks ago, I took a different software class with the same training company. I am in the same place with, ironically enough, the same instructor. Who actually remembers me. Last year I was still pregnant. It is so, so strange, like walking in overlapped time. I can't get my head around the time factor- that it was only one year ago, when it feels, literally, like its been at least five years ago. Or lifetimes ago. Its such a strange feeling. I keep seeing myself back then. Down to the shirt I was wearing.

*****
Earlier in the week I emailed Beth to ask if she has seen mint chapstick lately. I haven't seen it in years...I missed it. And yesterday, look what I found!




What can I say, little things make me happy.
:)