topiary cats

topiary cats

Friday, October 30, 2015


I guess maybe I did have a secret birthday wish yesterday, but it did not come true.
Hope is not worth having.  It really isn't.  It is just false thoughts to shield from reality.
It is important to be in reality, to face reality.

This has nothing to do with my secret birthday wish, but, sometimes, even when I don't want to have- or know not to have- expectations of other people, I have expectations.

Yesterday I did not hear from my father.
As much as the last thing I want is to be an obligation to anyone, it still would have been nice. He doesn't have to do anything, I know that, so I shouldn't be upset but I guess I am.  It is my own failing. I spoke to him on his birthday last month.

We don't have a great relationship, or much of any relationship to be honest, and that's because he isn't interested in having one. But he has always acknowledged my birthday. And I used to visit every two or three years, when they weren't too busy.

I'm not allowed to visit him anymore because a couple of years ago I had a falling-out with my stepmother, who I have known since I was three years old.  She dumped me. I don't want to go into it, but it was bad.  As a result I can't visit. I asked my father if that came from him or my stepmother, he said both of them. So Daya can go, but she has to go alone.  It is what it is.

They are a 2 hour flight away from me.
They travel a lot for my stepmother's business.
My father is now retired.

The last time we spoke about my wanting to visit, before I was banned, he told me I have "expectations" which make it difficult with their schedule.  He went on to say that when I visit, I have expectations of them actually being there, and how it is hard for them to basically put their lives on hold for me.

Daya has stopped asking when she can visit them. But she still asks about them sometimes. She hasn't gotten it yet. She doesn't understand yet that they don't really care.


  1. I'm sorry to hear you have such a bad relationship with your father and stepmother :-( I know there's always two sides to a story, but I don't understand how a father can just ban his daughter from seeing him...

  2. Awe, this I understand... I had a tumultuous relationship with my father at times too... he has since passed away. I know how hard it is to have expectations... and to have hope. Sometimes hope sucks, you are right, I keep holding on to it though... even if we need to live in reality... I continue to hope somehow things can be different one day... I do hope they will get better with you... I guess we both have to wait and see... xox

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  4. We all have expectations that aren't met. Hope is something to grasp. Reality is what happens and how we react. I wish you Peace.


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