An Important Update

Today I went to the office and made tea like I always do, and to my surprise, someone found budget somewhere and got more small spoons for the office.

No more shovels!

They are a good size and have a good weight to them.

I have a lot of spoons and don't need more, so if these disappear it won't be because of me.

********

I guess I gave Janae a jade plant in college and wrote her a letter.

She was going thru old stuff and found it. This must have been around 1996, prob my second year at Pratt.

I think I wrote a very nice letter!

Lighthouse 1

Here's a Topiary Cat... started in December and it took too long to finish.

It was a fun painting to do and there are things I want to explore more with the concept, so I'll do more of these.

And hopefully finish them sooner... I do have a lot happening in my studio and I'm trying to finish stuff instead of starting too many projects.

9x12 oil

The Z Train

Tomorrow morning I'm going to see my co-worker for her son's 1 year old birthday party.

They are moving to LA, but he was born here which means a teeny part of him will always be a New Yorker.

So today I popped over to the Transit Museum store at Grand Central.

(I LOVE Grand Central as much as I HATE Penn Station)

Anyhow, I got him a book and a 1 train tshirt.

His name begins with a K and there is no K train, but he also has a z in his name and I thought how cool would it be to get a Z train shirt, because we do have a Z train.

There is no Z train tshirt available.

As in they don't make it.  

But, inexplicably, there is a T train tshirt AND WE DO NOT HAVE A T TRAIN.

12 years ago or thereabouts, before they ran the Q up Second Ave, the T was going to be the 2nd ave line.

But it's the Q.

THERE IS NO T TRAIN and yet there is T train merch 12-13 years later from a plan that never happened.

And there is NO Z Train merch even though we have had a Z train for decades.

And "Z isn't a popular letter" doesn't cut it because 1) it is a VERY cool letter and 2) you can say the same thing about the Q and there is Q merch.

All New Yorkers should be really bothered by this like I am.

Well, except that apparently people hate the Z which is really unfair.

Here is an excerpt from a real Z Train Story: (by Anne Kadet)

********

Last week, I left my home in Brooklyn Heights at 4:30 pm so I could catch the first Z train heading from Manhattan to Queens. To fortify myself, I stopped at Drip for a cappuccino. Raina, the barista, asked what I was up to.

"Oh," I said, affecting a blasé air. "Just, you know, heading out for my first ride on the Z train."

Raina, it turns out, was a former Z train regular. She took it to Fulton Street, back when she worked a retail job. "I'd ride the J or the Z depending on whether the J was f— up," she said.

"Some people say the Z does not exist," I remarked.

"Who's that?"

"People on the internet.”

"Well, it does," said Raina. "That's like saying the Q doesn't exist because it runs on the B line. It does! I don't know what to say about that."

I actually had some questions prepared for Z-train passengers, so I sprang one on her: "If you had to chose between your first-born child and the Z train, which would you choose?"
Raina did not hesitate. "My first-born child, for sure," she said. "I hated the J and the Z! It was always f-ing late. Always!"

********

Well, even though the Z is actually a pretty stupid train (I have taken it a few times but not for years) it still is a train line and should have a tshirt instead of a train line that doesn't even actually exist.

You can get a lame magnet, which is not the same thing as a tshirt.

Ok, here is a happier post mostly

The Winter Dance Showcase at LaGuardia last night was great. They are so so so good...!!

There is something relaxing about watching a performance that your kid is not in.

There is no stress involved.... having a good seat, the stress and prep leading up to the show, dealing with your kid being in a pit of despair after the show because they thought they were horrible....

It's nice to come and go and just relax.

And I was so happy Grace came in from NJ to join me.

********

I still feel like crap, I really do, January is a slog.

My friend's husband just lost his job and that is a problem.

My company just cut people and I am told more cuts are coming in 2025. 

Layoffs weigh heavily on me as well, they always have. 

It's nothing new but it never gets easier.

The anxiety and stress of it gets worse with time, as I get older and as the world changes.

Everything feels unstable.

*******

But here is something nicer...paint!  When I forgot my white paint at Trinity Church I told myself I was going to prevent that from happening again by having duplicates as needed for my studio, instead of raiding my plein air pack.

I do have a LOT of paint in-studio from over the years but the colors aren't my standard palette, or it is very fancy paint that I won't use for practice studio studies. Or it is special-use only paint.

Over my years of being on WetCanvas (I am nostalgic about those days and miss it) I learned a lot and was in full-on experiment mode, and I collected and tried everything. It's why I know so much about materials. 

But for a while now I have been working with a pretty standard classical palette (plus turquoise).

I know how it mixes and how it works and it does everything I need it to do.
I'll switch some stuff now and then when I'm trying something new, but my palette has become standard. 

I got a couple refills for studio and plein air, and some duplicates so I will never leave a color at home again!

That time of year again...

 ...The annual sales conference.

My team did a lot of work for it this year, but there wasn't much to do on-site, because there are three and the first one was in Tokyo. So all the wrinkles I have ironed out over the last few years were already done, and I didn't have a lot to do. I am glad it is finally over and we can get back to business as usual.

This is the Oculus, it has nothing to do with work except I walked thru here to get the train home yesterday.

***********

I'm feeling weird, and I don't think it is because of any one thing but a combination, from personal-individual to broad-global.

Sometimes when I'm around work colleagues and everyone is talking about their lives etc I feel very distant, and it is hard for me to fight the feeling that life really has gone shitty for me in a lot of ways.

And here is the point where everyone invalidates and dismisses themselves (and gets invalidated/dismissed by others) from expressing their feelings by acknowledging how others have it worse, or bigger problems, or don't compare or whatever. It's not helpful. I have to live my life in my circumstance and so does everyone in theirs. I can have my feelings. And I have to remind myself that I do, actually, have to contend with some serious stuff. 

I have had a lifetime of my feelings being dismissed; and so I have to consciously not dismiss myself.

Anyhow, the demographic of my job is all at-minimum 4 year college educated people, often higher education, and people who were raised in relative economic comfort. Long Island, CT, and NJ suburbs people (and also global international). They talk about their kids, their parents, their childhood vacations, their current travel, their cousins, their siblings, their houses.

I am the only person on my immediate team who doesn't have a strong 2 income household, who doesn't take at least 1 international trip a year and doesn't have a spouse and other family. In June 2023 in a team meeting we went around and told about our summer plans... everyone had cool trips abroad and I had....... eye surgery.

One person on my team has a 1 year old and is moving, and their spouse is leaving first... she's dreading having to take care of everything alone for a week and a half until her mother comes to help her.

And everyone's reaction to that week and a half is eek that's gonna be tough! ... which it will and I love my team and my co-worker and it's not her fault that I'm so triggered.

How is my "that's normal" the shittiest version of things? Being dumped while pregnant and doing everything alone, just surviving? No one helped me with my baby. And I went back to work full time (not remote back then!) when she was 6 weeks old.

It's hard and yes I'm triggered and it's no one's fault and I don't talk about my stuff in the work environment.

My "normal" is a sister who disappeared 12 years ago (and who was really mean anyhow), a father who doesn't care if I'm alive or dead who I haven't spoken to in years... the last time I reached out he talked to me for 6 minutes before making an excuse to hang up..., and a mother who is so mentally ill and hostile no one can have any kind of relationship with her.  She'll die alone in her hoarded house and who knows how long it will be before someone finds her. I have 2 aunts, one I get along with but she'll be 85 years old soon, and the other who wants to shove "a personal relationship with Jesus Christ" down my throat and can't relate at all to one single aspect of my life so I need to keep distance from that.

I am very on-my-own.

This creates, I have discovered, a certain mindset over the long-term.

It's not great nor are the effects on time on it.

I'm tired. Exhausted.

And I'm starting to notice- very subtly- I'm tired of fear and anxiety around the future, money, retirement, rising housing costs, and yet-more looming corporate layoffs.

*******

Well, I can't do anything about any of it and I have to get through my days the best I can.

Tomorrow I have been told to take the day off so I'm meeting up with Grace and we're going to the Winter Dance Showcase at LaGuardia.

My Own Space

Daya went back to school today after being home for three weeks.

I had to get used to her being back, to not having my space to myself.

Now I have come home from egg tempera class and she's back in the dorm.

And unexpectedly, I miss her a little.

I missed having my apartment to myself, even though I don't mind her being here.

She'll be back on Friday for the weekend, for a cat sitting job.

******

Anyhow, I found this fantastic video on youtube the other day.

I relate to a lot of it.

Interestingly, it was studied and presented by a man.

 Why Women Who Live Alone Are the Happiest People You’ll Ever Meet - Joe Dispenza Motivation

Forgetting White Paint at Trinity Church

This morning I woke up around 5am to go paint Trinity Church from Wall Street.

I wanted to be done before or around the time it starts to get crowded... the financial district is very quiet early weekend mornings. It gets busier by around 11am.

Also, I prefer early morning light.

Over the years i have forgotten many things from my plein air pack, but today for the first time, I forgot my white paint.

White paint is a terrible thing to forget when you work in oils.

It is the cornerstone of an oils palette.

So I really had a problem.

I decided to go ahead anyhow.

If I had brought a toned surface, I'm not sure I could have pulled it off. It also would have been easier on an oil-primed surface, which I did not have, but then again I didn't exactly plan on forgetting white.

I have 2 Charvin convenience mix colors, a pale blue and a pale violet and I used both of them in place of white. They are both significantly darker than white but will lighten other pigments. I used my oily rag a lot to wipe off paint for a staining effect, which was interesting.

Interestingly, I got a lot out of doing this painting, to the point where I thought it was a good thing I forgot white. It pushed me in directions I never would have gone otherwise and it was interesting.  However, this is not something I care to repeat, so I need to stop removing paints from my plein air pack to use in-studio.  I need to have duplicates going like i do for brushes- plein air only, studio only.

(This is why white wasn't in my pack.)

I have added Trinity Church to my list of Re-do Locations though.

9x12 oil, 1 hour 45 mins

One thing I am very pleased with is how I handled the church.

Because I didn't have white, my mindframe shifted into sketch mode and to just paint, explore, and see what happens. I started doing a careful drawing of the church then stopped and just massed the whole thing in, then put the details on fairly quickly. It's not a labored drawing but the church is recognizable which is what I was going for. I specifically didn't want to do a labored render.

I dont care for the building on the right, I could have problem-solved it more but I reached the limit of what I could do without white. I need to think about it before I go back, because it is a design challenge.  It needs to be there but is not what the painting is about, so needs to be handled differently than the church.

It's not a nice building in the scene, it takes up too much space, however I was further complicated by this dumb truck:

Because of the dumb truck, my standing options were very limited.

Also the street space on Wall St is limited in general.

For what the painting is, and what I had to deal with, I consider it a success and I am overall quite pleased with it.

*****

I work right by Wall Street which is very convenient and allowed me to drink a lot of tea right before leaving, so I stopped by the office first.

Here I am in all my layers:

*******

I got home at 11:15am.

Astoundingly, I had no issues with the weekend trains!

Right when I walked in the door, Grace texted me asking what I was doing.

I said nothing, let's meet up!

And so we did.

We went to the Met and just floated around.

This guy was sketching, which I also need to go do very soon.

Painting Sale & Cat Pictures

I sold a painting!

That's always nice.

I'm a little surprised this one sold, because it was just a quick experiment on oil paper from November.

You never know what people will like.

Anyhow, I had to mount it, which I did on archival hard board with archival glue with my brayer, and it came out really nice and i am quite pleased with the result.

It took me almost as long to find my old brayer as it did to paint this painting.... it was in my paper cabinet, and i found it the third time I looked in there.

8x10 oil, sold!

*****

Here are some cat pictures from the last few days.

More computer surgery

When I went into my computer to put in that new accidental hard drive, I saw empty RAM slots.

So I filled them with new RAM chips.

My computer is very happy with its Life Upgrade, and should now run nicely for several more years.

1|1|2025

2025... how did THAT happen...

Intentions from last year:

Thrival.... working on it

Drink a lot of tea.... check

Be less literal in my paintings..... ???? probably failed this one

Read more, like I used to.... YES I have been reading reading reading this year, I don't know how many books but easily at least 20, maybe more

Prints... YES and I need to expand on it this year

Swim more regularly..... ongoing

Daily gratitude.... always important

Try and keep my shit together at least most of the time.... i think i lost all my shit already but I'm sure I have more

Ok for this year:

Thrival

Drink a lot of tea

Plein air

More studio paintings

Expand on prints

Go Somewhere outside the US

Read lots of books

CLEAN OUT MY BOOKCASES

Swim

Daily gratitude

Keep my shit together

**** 

I found these huge chocolate coins at Trader Joes and got one for me and one for Daya.

We're going to say yes to good things we want in life.

Sleepy Hollow Lighthouse

I met my friend Janette years ago when I was out with the NYC Urban Sketchers, and it's because of her that I started egg tempera class.

She lives up in Tarrytown, and we were talking about painting locations in class a couple weeks ago.

The Sleepy Hollow Lighthouse is there, and she told me it's a nice place to paint.

I have been wanting to get out to new places, and today was a great day to do that... weather looked good.

Janette said she admires my perseverance and dedication to plein air, but the truth is neither of those things...... I really just have nothing better to do and nothing going on.

Anyhow, I started painting around 12 and put the sky in first.

This is on a re-used panel that was toned too dark and I fought with it a bit, lesson learned going forward.

I got enough paint on there to cover but I think it only worked because it's cold enough for the paint to get stiff and I didnt use any medium.

So about an hour and a half into this painting, the wind switch turned on FULL FORCE.

Not gusts, just never-ending pounding wind.

It was horrible.

I had to take my hat off and my not-empty backpack, which was lying flat on a bench, was blown off the bench. That's how strong the wind was.

I had to turn my back to the river and the lighthouse so my body could shield my box and also because of wind in my face.

My tripod did tip over once, which is really saying something because I was on stable flat ground.

I never tip over in the wind.

If I had known it, I would probably have stayed home.

When you are losing a physical battle with the wind, you can't focus.

This is especially true when your back is to your subject matter.

So.... my painting has a really embarrassing drawing issue that I cannot believe I didn't catch.

If not for the wind, I think I would have... and if you don't know what the lighthouse looks like you probably wouldnt notice but... yeah.

I'll have to go back and do it again.

8x10 oil

Janette came to say hi when i had just finished, and she took these pictures of me being tormented by the wind.

Egg Tempera and Cheeze Wheel Pasta Part 2

Janae and I needed cheeze wheel pasta again so I told her to come to egg tempera at the end of class.

Because the holiday market is right by the League.

We are still in holiday mode in class, so there was wine.

Here are some assorted pigment pictures:

This is not my set but I want to check it out......

This is my travel pigment set which I made, and my palette.

And the lovely wonderful cheeze wheel pasta!

This is a subway rat who did not get any cheeze wheel pasta....

And here is a random picture of Isis sleeping in a funny position.

Things I did & a screw-up that solved big problems accidentally

Computer-related problems.

It can and will make a person batshit crazy.

I just solved 2 big ones by accident.

ONE

I have had a website problem for a while now, at least all of 2024, maybe 2023 too.

You won't see it on the front-end.

My website is Wordpress.

My media library folders were in triplicate across my dashboard for a very long time.

Uploading and organizing the back end worked but was annoying, and the interface looked wrong.

I played around with stuff and did some updates, nothing helped. I gave up.

Also I keep getting messages to update my php version.

PHP is a script that helps load a webpage from the server to the browser.

I have been trying to update my php for a very long time, but every time I do it, my site crashes so I have to roll back.

I have kept checking and trying this periodically. Nothing worked.

Last night I gave it another shot and updated every plugin on my website... my media folders went from triplicate to duplicate. Progress!

Php update still crashed the site.

I got frustrated and tired and quit.

Today I went back in...... idk how or why but my media folders are back to normal... so I went and updated the php again AND IT WORKED. I'm now on the latest version.

I don't know why or how but that solves 2 long-term website problems.

I guess servers needed time to process the updates from Friday which magically solved my other problems. Whatever, it works!

TWO

I run a 5 year old windows desktop at home.

Windows 11 has, inexplicably, taken up 118gb of a 125gb OS C:/ drive.

I have been trying for a long time to clean it up and minimize the size of Windows, which is the only thing on the drive.

I have scoured google and Reddit and tried a bunch of suggestions and nothing is working.

It's causing errors and is Not Good.

In desperation, I have even been considering the beginning thought process of having to get a new computer, which I don't want to do. My system is old but it is certainly Good Enough for what I need.

I am also out of Data storage, internally and externally.

This is important for my prints and setting up the image files, and personal archives.

I was going to get a huge (like 8TB) external SSD hard drive, but oh my god they are expensive.

Mark told me it might be better to have a few smaller ones, so if one drive fails I don't lose everything.

That made good sense so I ordered a 1TB solid-state external drive that was on sale for $64.

It arrived today.

I opened it and thought, wow that's small.

And then... where are the wires?

.... I accidentally ordered an internal drive.

Dangit.

And then I had the Bright! Idea! that MAYYYYBBBEEEE I could put a third hard drive in my computer, clone my current C:/ drive, make a larger partition for windows AND have more data storage.

I opened my computer, which wasn't nearly as dusty inside as I expected, saw an extra SATA connection, plugged the new hard drive in, got a cloning software for $20, changed the boot disk in BIOS, and IT ALL WORKS.

So my accidental wrong Amazon order solved my C:/ drive windows space issue AND gave me a nice 715gb internal data storage.

$85 to solve 2 problems is way better than the cost of a new external HD and/or a new computer eventually!