Saturday Evening Dance

Today I ended up spending time with my friend Sharon. I am feeling better.

I wouldn't say I have a lot of friends but the ones I do have are very high quality people.  Sharon in particular is a very high-quality person.  She's just a... really good person. And she's a good parent.
Her daughter will be in 9th grade next year and she got into LaGuardia Dance! I'm so happy and excited for them!

Anyhow Sharon knew about the therapy session and that I was ok but just a little off and just processing.
So I went to her place in the afternoon and we talked for a long time.  It gives me good perspective, especially from another (good) parent.

And Sharon is right when she ways I should not feel guilty, and that I have done everything I could have for the benefit of my child.  She understands that visceral mom-feeling because that's also how she feels about her own daughter.  I'm pretty normal as far as moms go.

It helps me to not judge myself by my teenager's standards.

We sat around and chatted for a while, then went to the Jamaica Dance Festival. Earl Mosley's company was in it and they were THE BEST ONES. (He's her modern teacher at Manhattan Youth Ballet)

It was fun and I felt a lot better afterwards. Not completely- this just has to move through me- but I do feel a lot better.

Saturday Bloggy Things

I'm really having a hard time this month.
Some of it is personal and some of it is..... current events.

Yesterday was a hard day.

It's all very intense and my energy is very off and I am trying to keep in balance but I feel so crappy.

Last night Daya and I had a family session with her therapist, who is very good.
It was a good session, he moderated and structured it very well and it was insightful but there are things Daya feels that I just DO NOT understand.

I don't understand how her mind works when it comes to processing emotion. She interprets things in a way that is very unexpected to me and is not what I intend when I speak to her. And I seem to always say the wrong thing no matter how I think I'm saying the right thing, or trying to.

Like all my good intentions are just paving the road to hell.

Daya describes herself as a very logical thinker, and I am a very spatial/creative thinker.
I am very extremely spiritual (non-religious) and Daya is not. (Which is fine by me. I do not impose my belief system on her or anyone.)

Therapist (E) described the way I think as spaghetti (I am TOTALLY spaghetti!!) and Daya as a waffle.

Daya's logical world has kept her safe, and my spatial illogical world has kept me safe.

We are both completely exhausted but she is numb emotionally and I am not.
(I am feeling EVERYTHING.)

My main issue with Daya is that she treats me with pretty intense disrespect and I have to put up with it for now, but I don't when she turns 18 and will not.

Daya wants to leave home... six years ago and be on her own.
She's done with me.

She feels smothered but I do not have any idea how to give her more space, privacy, and independence without it being illegal.

I don't want her to suffer like I did (I believe some hardship is necessary but some of it is just unproductive) and she said it's her choice.
I think she doesn't understand what cutting those support strings really looks like.

There is serious discussion about her being ADHD.

I am in and have been in a completely impossible situation as a parent, there is no way either of us can come out unscathed from it. But mostly I feel condemned for everything Daya thinks is/was fucked up and from my end I feel gutted my child has been hurt but I DO NOT KNOW what I could have done differently.  I truly feel I have done the best I could with the knowledge and resources I have had. And I think because of that, Daya doesn't think any apologies I make about mistakes I have made are genuine.

I really truly do not know what I could have done differently regarding the things she says have hurt her.

I'm in completely way over my head and it's all very sad and I really want a good relationship with my kid, but she wants OUT and literally nothing to do with me.

When E asked Daya "Do you love your mom" she couldn't really answer the question.  She said she doesn't understand what family love is and she doesn't know.  She doesn't really feel anything.

When E asked me if I love Daya it's a no-brainer yes, I have never loved anyone or anything the way I love my child.  It is intense and visceral and goes beyond my body.

It was a 2 hour session and I feel very overwhelmed and raw... there was a lot more but I'm at the point where it's too much and stuff starts falling out of my brain.

I do feel like a huge failure, I do feel like the best of my efforts and intentions only amount to shit.
I think my mother would rejoice at my parental difficulties and I hear her voice in my head laughing at me, saying it's her revenge and I deserve to suffer.

I am not painting today.
I need an easy gentle day, I'm just very raw.
Later I will go spend time with a friend, which is a good way to spend today.

Solstice

I had a pretty busy day at work today and didn't realize until right now that it is the summer solstice!

Days start getting shorter after today.
The year is half done.
It's been a weird one.

Daya leaves for Chicago in 2 weeks.

Then she starts her Senior year, and this upcoming year is a year of lasts.... it's already starting to hit me.

Amazing Medieval Hedgehog

Monday was a day off in observation of Juneteenth.
Kedrin was off too.
She hasn't painted in a while so we thought it would be fun to paint together.

But Kedrin spent all day Saturday taking apart oak palettes to add to her reclaimed wood collection, and today she was still very sore.
So she said come over, we can paint here!

That was fine with me.

I brought 4 perfectly ripe avocados because Kedrin makes amazing guacamole.

We sat on the couch and chatted about all kinds of things, including this amazing medeival hedgehog phone case she must get:

This is amazing!

We both felt too lazy to paint, in the same way it was hard to get up from the couch. 
So we ate guacamole and chips and talked for 6 hours and it was a lovely afternoon.

Crazy Wind at the Boathouse

I was down at the boathouse volunteering for most of the day.
Again, the wind was INSANE. And also- again- not stated in the forecast.

Normally the last boats go out at 4:30 but we closed at 3.
I did not go on the water, no way.

There were a few rescues but no one flipped over.

Bitz was on patrol keeping everyone safe. (green boat)

Brooklyn Bridge Plein Air

Today was the kind of day where I made plans early and did something completely different.
I ended up in Brooklyn Heights on the Promenade and painted the Brooklyn Bridge.

It was SO WINDY. I was freezing cold and numb from the wind. Absolutely miserable.

Usually strong winds will be stated in the weather forecast.  They were not.

There is so much dust in this painting I should have labeled the info 8x10 oil and Brooklyn but I didn't think anyone would get it.

Three hours.

Daya's Soup

Daya felt like making tomato soup from scratch.  She roasted the vegetables and I don't know what else and it was absolutely amazing and incredible.

New Monitor for Prints

I got a new monitor. An Asus ProArt.
It's calibrated specifically for printing and image editing.

A calibrated monitor is really really super important and this is partially what has been overwhelming me.

I also spoke with 2 printers, and I'll be sending images to both for proofs.

My friend wants a print of this painting, so I already have a sale.

Tuesday

This week so far is a bit of a hard week. I feel VERY off emotionally and energetically.

Today is Daya's last day of school (unless she wants to go in on Monday June 27.)

I sent Daya to school with the dance paintings on Friday.
And I haven't heard.... anything from the Dance department.  Nothing.

And in all honesty I'm feeling upset about it because... they asked me, I put a lot into it and then to not get even a little acknowledgement of receipt is quite deflating.

Daya doesn't pass on messages or tell me anything.
The ONLY thing I ever heard about it was a friend of hers asking if she could repost one of the paintings on her instagram.

I asked Daya how did she get the picture and Daya said there was a party for the seniors and they showed the paintings.

I could do prints for people if they want... I have one person who want one but only because she saw them on Facebook.

So other than this I have heard absolutely nothing at all.

And it's time to get my head straight on doing prints.

I find this to be completely overwhelming.

My head is spinning and I feel stressed and just... wrong energetically.

The Rainy Not-Rainy Sunday

There were t-storms in for forecast all day today.
That meant no to painting and no to the boathouse.

Except it didn't rain at all (???) so I went walking around with my friend Sharon.
There was a street fair.

There is a new store in the neighborhood which is utterly fantastic and dangerous!

I cannot believe we didn't get a single thunderstorm.
Not a single one.

Ft Tryon Park Paint-Out

Thor told me and David about a paint-out in Fort Tryon Park.
I went and did a painting and there were a bunch of other painters there.  It was a fun time.  I met a kid from LaGuardia who is a really fantastic artist!

8x10 oil

There were pretty clouds tonight.

Painting with Turquoise

Jerrys had a sale on Winsor Newton paint so I stocked up on my beloved PG50 because I'm running low and the price was good... well the price is never good except that one freak time where Jerrys made a mistake and had Lukas 1862 pure PG50 for 6.50, but they fixed their error.

I was texting Janet about paint stuff and sent her a picture of the Park Ave Tulips, which she purchased.

I call this photograph "Painting with Turquoise".

The Final Dance Paintings

I was so stressed over these stupid paintings I woke up at 6:30am and just got to the easel.  Today I balanced a day of work and painting.

I have been SO stressed over this stupid situation I got myself in!!
It was time to just sit down and DO IT.

I sprayed the heck out of the backgrounds with fixative, which is not something I normally do but I had to do it. I needed another clean layer.

The figures went in with (mostly) Unisons, and a few Nupastel. The pans were out and I got the Brilliant! Idea! to use my sparkly panpastels! THAT was exactly what these paintings needed!! I also used my iridescents and metallics!

(I would very much like PanPastel to make jewel-toned iridescents.)

It was exactly what the paintings needed. From early morning to the evening, I finished all the paintings.

I did not spray the final layer, that would mess them up. I never spray pastels.

They all needed about an hour of studio work.

Here they are, I tried to get the photos as close as I could to the originals but they are still better in-person.... especially because they shimmer and sparkle.

I am very happy with this series. I stressed a lot and learned a lot and I'm really proud of myself for seeing it through and figuring it out to the end. I could not see this end result when I started- that's why it was so stressful.

They are packed and ready to send to school with Daya tomorrow.

5x7 pastel/gouache