Away

I went to Connecticut for two nights and left Daya home alone overnight for the first time.
She's old enough and mature enough and she was fine.

But it was her first alone-overnight, so I said to her "If your friend isn't available to chat and you feel lonely, go on my computer and see if Cas is online.

I thought I would get an eye roll and a response like "Mom I have my own friends."

Instead, Daya got way too excited and said "I'm going to play ESO!"

And she did.

She went on MY Discord account and logged in to MY Elder Scrolls Online account and was in voice chats gaming with MY friends on MY characters running events with MY guild Saturday and Sunday!

I have Discord on my phone too so I could see her on there. (Which she knows.)

*****

Cathy has foster kittens.
They are ridiculous.

I also visited the rats.

Dizzy kept coming over to say hi to me, which Cathy says is unusual.
She clearly remembers me. Which makes sense because we are old friends.

Woods, Plein Air

 I made a painting in the woods.

This is a painting I am extremely happy with and the whole time and space of it was very special.

8x10 oil

Pebbles in Oil

I had leftover paint from last night.

And more 5x7 panels.

So this morning I woke up early with a painting streak, and I painted Pebbles. Rublev paint again.

This painting took longer than the one of Furball, because I wasn't in a session with a time constraint.

It is maybe a three hour painting.

Now I need to paint Isis.

5x7 oil

Furball the Wonder Cat

Here is a little painting in the Reuters group tonight.

Leah was doing watercolor lemons with the group.

I did not want to do watercolor anything, even lemons.

But I do have some 5x7 canvas panels hanging around, and I did not know what to paint but I was wanting something with oil paint.

I looked over at Furball who was sleeping and being cute.

So I decided to paint Furball.

5x7 oil, I pulled out my Rublevs and even got to use my Nicosia green earth!

This painting took about 2 hours.

Hair Drawing Nite

Tonight we drew a guest model, Nicole Lewis who was on Broadway in Hair.

She is AMAZING and gorgeous and wonderful.

AND...she sang for us!!!

40 mins

20 mins

Remote High School Problems

About 2 minutes before class started, Daya told me she was in severe pain from starvation.

I said, how long is your class?

She said one hour.

I said Why didn't you eat during the break?

She said 'Cause I didn't.

I said Can you move your class out of your room? (no food in there)

She said yes.

I said ok.

I scrambled some eggs and Daya went to class.

And the cat wouldn't leave her alone!

Selling Paintings

I don't sell a lot of paintings.
It's something I put exactly zero effort into.

A lot of people ask me about it, usually if I do sell, and when I say "sometimes" they seem to categorize me as.... less.  Like it makes me less of an artist.

I think it makes me more of an artist that I have never stopped painting through raising a kid by myself and working full-time AND coordinating years of dance logistics.

It isn't a hobby, it is a vocation and that's very different.
If you can stop, it's a hobby.  If you can't stop no matter what, it's a vocation.

*******

Occasionally I'll post a painting and someone will want to buy it, which happened with my beach plein air from earlier this month.

I have given exactly four (4) plein airs away as gifts, and never sold any, but I was really glad someone loved it that much to buy it!

Since I don't sell a lot, and most of my paintings are not made intending to be sold, it's a little bit sad when they go.  I STILL miss my Auridon painting that I put in the dance raffle a few years ago.
I never feel this way about commissions or paintings that were made as gifts. I have no problem sending them off.

Anyhow, I shipped this painting out today and it is going to a good loving home and it has other painting friends.

6x8 oil

What-Ifs, Resolved

 We found out about Ailey's Junior Division this year from a friend.

They did not take ANY new students, only invited back 100 kids in levels 4-7, only half of those were invited for in-person three hours on Saturdays.

They have also let half their staff go which is super sad and i hope it is temporary.

I did make the final call on MYB for Daya, she wanted to give Ailey a chance and I'm so glad we did not.
It has worked out for her in a way t hat I don't think would have happened without divine intervention.

Congratulating Myself on Amazing Self-Restraint

I had two simultaneous meetings tonight.

One was planned in advance, the other was last-minute.
One was weekly drawing, one was a back to school meeting.

Guess which one was planned and which one was not?

Our planned-in-advance drawing theme was Moulin Rouge, which I don't think I have ever seen.

And I couldn't listen to it either because of what might have been the most ridiculous school meeting I have ever attended.

My drawing was generally crap, despite feeling pretty good in general I do seem to have forgotten how to paint and draw. Carey said she forgot too, but maybe we can both relearn.

This is the one-hour pose, my focus was very split.

Charcoal and a pastel pencil and a General's white charcoal pencil.

My Amazing Feat of Self-Restraint:

So, during this covid period there was a time-stretch where people could not get haircuts.
Remember?  Here in NYC it was about 5 months. I understand this was a problem for most people, I know the situation, I was in it too, but in August salons etc re-opened and everyone attended to their personal grooming.

Except .... one of the prominent staff people at school... (and I am NOT tagging this post LaG even though I really want to) .... has not returned to that important regular schedule of hirsute maintenance, and as a result he has turned into a yeti.

I'm not kidding.

I DO have a picture that I DESPERATELY want to post but I do know that would be very wrong and unkind, so I won't do it.

But in the interest of showing an accurate visual, here is a sample representation:

Oh, wait, something is missing....

The school meeting, by the way, was ridiculous.
I shall end this post by quoting one of the facebook comments about it, regarding the health checks parents are supposed to do:

"My favorite is the mother asking whether her own kid has traveled internationally!"

10th Grade Part 1

Remote instruction starts today, except it was just one pre-recorded meeting.....

As always here are the first day of school pics, we'll do part 2 next Tuesday when Daya goes back in-person for the first time since march.

The cats joined except Furball, who is scared of first day of school pictures.

Negative

Daya had to get covid tested again for the MYB in-person program.

A month ago she was negative on nasal swab and also the blood antibodies.

She's negative again.

I also got tested yesterday, for the first time so I did both nasal swab and the blood test.

Results are much faster than a month ago, they say 3-5 days but my results were about a 30 hour turnaround.

I have tested negative for everything, including antibodies.

This is as I suspected but it is good to know for sure.

The test is not a big deal at all.

Conservatory Water

I went out today to paint Conservatory Water.

The weather was beautiful and i felt good, ready to make a good painting.

And the whole thing was a fight, like I forgot how to paint.

I had one of the biggest Foliage Fights I have ever had with a painting.

It was so bad I almost stopped halfway through!!!!

8x10 oil, three hours, I really need foliage assistance.****

A girl came up to me when I was painting to look and say hi.  I didn't realize at first, but she was a kid. So I talked to her and asked her a few questions- as it turns out she lives in my neighborhood and will be going to the same middle school my daughter went to!

Central Park is beautiful, with many positive message signs everywhere that reflect how i feel about the park.

There are many more signs besides this one, all positive uplifting messages.  The park really has become a nexus of positive energy, in a way it never has been before.

****

I looked briefly on youtube to see how some other painters handle foliage but the few I found were either layered studio paintings or plein airs that I either didn't like or I think my skill level is higher than the people demo-ing..... wetcanvas had a ton of resources and I had a bunch of favorites saved including plein air trees I loved and they all got wiped out when the site moved. :(

So I think I need to just look at paintings to see how people I like handle it.

Getting Ready for School

Apparently Daya needs nothing for the start of this school year except maroon leotards, which she has zero (0) of.

She needs one for Monday so we have to get one today.

Onstage had nothing she liked.

Capezio was closed, we discovered when we arrived there.

Bloch had exactly one maroon leo she liked so we got that.

HEY LISA!

I switched over to the new blogger interface and they have made a lot of improvements from how it was over the summer! I hated it before but it's much better now and I don't mind at all.... if you re-open your blog (which I'm sure a lot of people would love) give it another try, the things that weren't working well are, now. xoxo

Scholarship

 Daya has been awarded a 50% scholarship to the year-round Manhattan Youth Ballet program!
Which means I can afford the tuition!

Some of her teachers are quite famous (in the dance world)!

One of them is one of her favorite teachers at Ailey!

She starts on Monday.
She will train 4 days in-studio and 2 days remote.
She will also perform.

This is in addition to LaGuardia.

It's not Ailey, but maybe this is better right now. In any case, she's in a good reputable pre-professional program and I think it will be an excellent experience.

Yag Laser

I went to the eye dr on Tuesday for a pressure check, and I wanted to talk to him about fixing my post-surgery flares. I have wrinkles behind my implant.

Dr said he can laser me and we booked it for today.
It's a fast procedure done in-office.

My eye got dilated.

The laser was very different than the femtosecond laser used during surgery.

It lives in a small back-office looking room which does not seem like it would have a laser in it.

The laser doesn't even look like a laser.

It was all very anticlimactic, actually, which is exactly what the dr said it would be.

I was very ok with that.

My dr used this "contact lens" which he held over my eye with one hand while using the laser with his other hand. This was the most uncomfortable part of the whole thing, because it's just not nice to have something pushing against your eye.

Since it is single use, I got to keep it as a souvenir!

Now I'm on prednisolone drops 4x a day until Monday so I can't wear a contact lens in my left eye... which means reading glasses. Ugh.

Dr was very happy with the procedure and how everything looked, he said he thinks I'll be very happy with the results.

I do have an immediate change in the flares but.... I still have them, they are just different.

I'm hoping they go away entirely. Now they are star-shaped instead of strong horizontal beams.

But the new star-flares are less intense than the horizontal ones, and I'm hoping they will go away completely.

The procedure did not hurt but after the anesthetic wore off later I did have some pain, which 2 Advil took care of.

Grease Nite

Tonight we had a model and music theme from Grease.

Madeline.

20 mins

1 hour

9/9

Thank you.

 

How to Make Huge Decisions with No Information

Yesterday Daya received her acceptance to Manhattan Youth Ballet's year round program.
She has been placed in Level E.  The only higher level is F which is for the oldest kids.
So, that's quite complimentary to her!

There are some issues and decisions and Very Bad Timing.

1. MYB needs a response by .... tomorrow.

2. Daya's heart is at Ailey but I cannot even ask them if they have room for her until Wednesday, then I have to wait for their response which can take several days.

3. I cannot afford the MYB tuition, even on the payment plan, it's $6,550 (add extra for pointe shoes!), so I need some serious financial aid which I can apply for.  But I will not know the financials until after registering for the program and applying for aid.

********
Daya has been completely back and forth on MYB.  She goes from absolutely wanting to be there, strengthening her ballet, having a scholarship (hopefully) on her resume which is a good thing, and then she wavered again because accepting MYB really truly means Ailey is out this year.

The MYB program is really excellent- it's 6 days of class- 4 in-studio and 2 remote.
That's really, really good right now.
They have upgraded the ventilation systems in their building and she was training in-person there last month- I have full confidence in their safety procedures.
And it's guaranteed- she has been offered a spot.

Ailey is not guaranteed and we won't know in time.

After much thinking Daya wanted to take a chance with Ailey.
Because it's Ailey and that's where her heart is.

I said you need to have a plan B if Ailey says no.
She came up with Dance Theater of Harlem.
They are excellent but I looked up the training and it is 100% remote right now and I don't know how many classes. They are a little less expensive than MYB but still very expensive. So I have to look at the value of the money spent. Also, they don't know her there.
All remote vs 4 days in-person.... I don't think that's better than MYB.

*******
I asked my friend whose daughter is going back to Ailey... she said three remote classes a week and three hours in-studio on Saturday.

That's..... also not better than MYB.
So I called the decision.
Daya was upset (because no Ailey) but she seems to have gotten over it (I hope).

So now the only issue is the money, I applied for aid and we'll see what comes through!

*******
I really hope the time comes where Daya really, really knowingly appreciates the support she gets.
It is significant and substantial.

She knows the numbers but doesn't have the context, she doesn't realize how significant the support she gets really is. She doesn't realize how financially scary dance is for me. She doesn't realize how fortunate she is to have someone who will try and make it happen anyhow.  She seems to mostly see the really wealthy kids who think nothing of it.  She thinks that's the norm.

Everything about dance feels like a force of nature.... so ok, Universe, if I'm being asked to give this support, I need some help making it possible.

Rockaway Plein Air

I guess today is the last beach day of the year, it was ok, I don't know if it was because of the surfing school or something else, but people couldn't really swim.

I went in the ocean for a little while but they kicked everyone out.
I like Beach 67 ok but it might be time to find another spot.

Here's a little painting from today:
6x8 oil, 2 hours, and this painting is sold!

*******
I'm still feeling not-right but everything is ok.
I would like this heaviness in my chest to just dissipate, this has happened many times before and it always lingers far too long.

*******
Also, I think I need to limit going out with my friend who came with me today, my painting friend..... she's so negative.  Nonstop complaining, it's really hard for me to paint when she's just loudly complaining about everything in her life. Constantly.

I have to really tune her out. I come away from being out with her glad to have not gone out alone, but it's such an energy suck. She's not a happy person and it's hard to be around. Occasionally she's prickly and I have a teenager so I don't need more of that.

But on the other hand it is nice to have someone to go out and paint with, and she's glad to sit and paint and also doesn't mind walking, but I think I just can't for a while. I'd like to go to the museum, but thinking about sitting with her and painting while she complains about her life.... I can't.

It's very hard right now because groups aren't meeting in person, and I would really like a painting friend who has a positive and fun personality. 

So, Universe, I'm officially putting it out there, I'm asking for a cool painting friend here in NYC who is happy to sit (or stand) and paint, doesn't mind walking, likes going places, and is positive and fun to be around!

Spa Day

It's a holiday weekend and as usual we aren't doing anything or going anywhere, unfortunately, but I know Daya and I both need a reset.

I would like to go somewhere but it's just not really possible.

So I decided we needed a good day together and I booked us 1 hour massages at a day spa in Manhattan.  It was a lot of money but still less than going away somewhere.

Besides, Daya has never been to a spa, and she has never gotten a professional massage.
I also wanted us to do something different and nice together and just.... feel good.

It was a nice experience and she liked it.
We went for a few sushi rolls afterwards.

Daya let me take this picture in the subway, it's the best I could get........

Refund & Pointe Shoes & Cats

Sometimes I ask for refunds from the universe.
I have done this a few times through the years.
It generally works, but sometimes takes a little while and always comes in an unexpected way.

I did ask for a universal refund for that playstation thing a while back, and also for part of the electric bill.

NY State sent everyone- regardless of income or benefits status (we do not receive benefits) a card with $420 per child on it to be used for food. The thinking behind it is since everyone gets free lunch they are sending a benefit card to all families.

$420 for food will go a long way!!

*********
Daya needs new pointe shoes, and I'm surprised she didn't need them sooner.
I thought she would need a new pair halfway through her intensive.
She says she probably did.
I said why didn't you ask, she had no real answer.

Astoundingly, she got the same shoes for the third time- the Russian Pointe ones she has been wearing.

The lady at Onstage said Daya will never again be able to get a pair of shoes, sew them and go out of the box.... she's now at a point where she must customize them herself and figure it out.

And I think this might have been one of the issues with the fittings, maybe, idk, maybe Daya will disagree, she's the dancer person... but it's really up to her to find the shoe that she knows she can customize properly for herself. I think she's been looking for the shoe which will already work 100% with whatever standard sewing she does.

But I think it was helpful for her to hear that she won't be able to use a show as-is from the box, that she's going to have to do some work and experiment on her end to make them right for her.

I think she might be wearing her old shoes in this pic. She brought them to compare.

*********
Isis and Furball snuggle.

Wednesday

Drusilla sent me a very nice gift!!!
Thanks Dru, you are always so kind to me.

I want to throw this plastic bin out but I cannot because it is always occupied by a cat.

Here is the 1 hour pose from drawing tonight.
It was Cabaret night.
Pastel on an old piece of recycled Richeson.

Isis is sleeping on my easel chair.

*******
I am feeling delicately better but still not 100%. It's been a long time since I really went down a hole like that. It's just a combination of so many things- so much recent change, this whole year, parenting, growing up changes, school delayed again,  Daya said some really mean things to me which hurt a lot, I'm on my cycle, it's just a lot and it all hit me hard.

It's not good and there are some thoughts I need to change.
I know I have some work to do and I have split energy.

Also I haven't seen anyone in-person since I went to Jackie's a week and a half ago.
I think (?) I went to the store on Monday (?) but I haven't left my apartment much lately.
I am very isolated and it's not good.

I have found a therapist who is taking new patients and insurance, I have an appointment booked for next week so we'll see how that goes.

I also found a few online resources but the one I really want has a waiting list so I will wait.

Sometimes everything just seems so hard, too hard, and hopeless so why bother but I have to.

******
Daya left yesterday late afternoon to go see her friend and I think I needed today to just be alone and re-stabilize myself. I'm getting there.  I am back on a morning meditation, longer than I was able to do when I went into the office.

She will be home tomorrow after her acupuncture appointment and I'm glad she is coming home.

Swirling

I feel like I'm caught in a whirlpool that keeps getting more intense.

There is too much change happening all at once and I'm really feeling like I have no stable ground, although I still have a roof over my head and a job. Both of which are huge positives....
I sent in my lease renewal yesterday and the rent increase wasn't too terrible thank goodness....
Something has got to happen with rents here, they just go up and up no matter what.

But I'm spinning, some of it is personal and some of it is outside of my immediate life.  It's all too much at once and I'm just having a lot of trouble right now.

******
I'm having a hard time with Daya, we need to be in therapy and I'm already trying to find someone.
She's so unhappy, if I could send her somewhere I would, mostly because she wants to go away.
It's my fault from her perspective. I think we can both learn better communication and understanding, but we can't do it without help.
I really need help.
She just wants to blame me.
And she wants to move in with her friend's family who have known her for six months and who she likes way better than me because they are cool and awesome and fun and have never had to deal with her hard stuff.

I don't know how much is just normal and how much is maybe she's depressed, I mean who wouldn't be right now- and she's very different when she's depressed. She has told me she feels like she's two different people, and when she's depressed she doesn't like me.  But I'm also not sure of her level of self-awareness about it- last time we spoke about it when it lifted a bit she said she doesn't recognize when it comes on.  And I think it has just become her normal.  And then a lot of it is really truly normal teenage stuff. I don't know where the line between normal and not-normal is.
I feel like I lost my kid and I'm having a really hard time with that.

This is so hard, so hurtful, and I'm way in over my head.
Is it me having a replay of my own family situation?
Am I doomed to repeat cycles?
Did I really screw up that badly?
The thing is, I don't know what I could have done differently.
I don't know what I should or can do differently now.
I think I do need a parenting skillset upgrade for this teenage period.
I am looking for help.
I'm so exhausted.

*******
Despite our covid numbers being at 0.99% positive for quite a while now, everyone is still freaking out over the schools opening.
As of today the start is delayed until September 21.
My head is completely fried from all of it.
And I don't get political on this blog but we are in an election year and- whatever political party you hate the least, please vote to get Trump out of office.

All the change and insanity and uncertainty is really getting to me and I think we still have a long way to go.