Swirling

I feel like I'm caught in a whirlpool that keeps getting more intense.

There is too much change happening all at once and I'm really feeling like I have no stable ground, although I still have a roof over my head and a job. Both of which are huge positives....
I sent in my lease renewal yesterday and the rent increase wasn't too terrible thank goodness....
Something has got to happen with rents here, they just go up and up no matter what.

But I'm spinning, some of it is personal and some of it is outside of my immediate life.  It's all too much at once and I'm just having a lot of trouble right now.

******
I'm having a hard time with Daya, we need to be in therapy and I'm already trying to find someone.
She's so unhappy, if I could send her somewhere I would, mostly because she wants to go away.
It's my fault from her perspective. I think we can both learn better communication and understanding, but we can't do it without help.
I really need help.
She just wants to blame me.
And she wants to move in with her friend's family who have known her for six months and who she likes way better than me because they are cool and awesome and fun and have never had to deal with her hard stuff.

I don't know how much is just normal and how much is maybe she's depressed, I mean who wouldn't be right now- and she's very different when she's depressed. She has told me she feels like she's two different people, and when she's depressed she doesn't like me.  But I'm also not sure of her level of self-awareness about it- last time we spoke about it when it lifted a bit she said she doesn't recognize when it comes on.  And I think it has just become her normal.  And then a lot of it is really truly normal teenage stuff. I don't know where the line between normal and not-normal is.
I feel like I lost my kid and I'm having a really hard time with that.

This is so hard, so hurtful, and I'm way in over my head.
Is it me having a replay of my own family situation?
Am I doomed to repeat cycles?
Did I really screw up that badly?
The thing is, I don't know what I could have done differently.
I don't know what I should or can do differently now.
I think I do need a parenting skillset upgrade for this teenage period.
I am looking for help.
I'm so exhausted.

*******
Despite our covid numbers being at 0.99% positive for quite a while now, everyone is still freaking out over the schools opening.
As of today the start is delayed until September 21.
My head is completely fried from all of it.
And I don't get political on this blog but we are in an election year and- whatever political party you hate the least, please vote to get Trump out of office.

All the change and insanity and uncertainty is really getting to me and I think we still have a long way to go.