Flip Ninja PRT

So back at the start of July I had this Idea that if we had Deadlines it would make the month go by faster because time flies with a deadline.

Week 1 was to come up with a story in 4 parts
Week 2 was the storyboard
Week 3 first 2 paintings
Week 4 last 2 paintings

All I can really say right now is that July was a truly brutal month and I'm not in a good place and it is pretty incredible I painted at all. And I have to get through PRT.

Weirdly I have this nagging suspicion I did 4 paintings but I know I only did three and at least I stuck with a theme of some sort.

Carey and I didn't know what our title would be so she said Flip Ninja and that sounds fine to me.

All are 8x10 pastel on Richeson sanded paper.
The first 2 I previously posted.

Lagoon

Standoff

The Waiting Pools

Entering PRT

Pigeon Risk Time (PRT) starts at 11:59pm tonight all local time zones.

I did not actually make it through July but Carey resurrected me so....
This year is the 10 year anniversary of Pigeon Risk Time.

This summer has been really brutal. :(

Assorted Long Update

July is dragging terribly but would probably be worse if Carey and I hadn't implemented Deadlines.
Procrastinating with blog updates also helps speed time up.

*****
A Course in Miracles
I'm still going through ACIM, mostly every day.
It is pretty amazing.
When i am done with the theory I'll start the workbook which spans 1 year.

As of right now I have 11 hours and 46 minutes remaining-- of 36 hours.

*****
Beach 1: two weeks ago I took Daya to the beach (Rockaway), on a Tuesday which was nice because it wasn't too crowded.  I wish people weren't allowed to play their stupid music and we had to move twice but the water was lovely.  I got a terrible sunburn, really bad, and it is mostly gone but I am still itchy.

I have gotten a long sleeve swimsuit top, should have done that a long time ago.

*****
Daya is bored and very lonely.
I don't know what to do about it, really, because I can't send her to camp this year.  To be honest, and as much as she would deny it, she would also be miserable at camp because she was last year aside from a few overnight trips.
Everything I suggest is flat-out rejected.
She's too young for the volunteering and community service places to take her without an adult.

All the dance people and school friends have vacations to go on, camp, and families to be with.

She was very burned out on camp last year and of course has forgotten all about that. By the last two weeks she was even tired of swimming and was wanting to stay home.

Daya is tutoring in the neighborhood twice a week, and she goes to dance but the studio really doesn't have much going on at all this summer.

Rob has suggested maybe finding a church and I'm open to it.
I have been researching a bit and I think I have to go Unitarian because they are very inter-faith friendly.

Daya needs more people in her life- adults and kids. It can't be just her and me- it's not good for either of us.

Rob said find kids who are exposed to hearing things like be kind to others and he has a good point. Daya is vehemently against going but she doesn't have any concept so I'm not taking her refusal seriously.  She rejects every single new thing I suggest anyhow. So I'm going to override her on this one.

******
We painted Daya's room and it is a nice grey color instead of purple.

******
Upstairs Neighbors
I spent $25 on a really thick padded moving blanket and brought it upstairs and asked nicely if my neighbors would put it under their speaker, which they were willing to do.  It worked. I'm not getting pounded by drums and bass now.  Last night my ceiling seemed a little bit shaky and rumbly even over the fan and air conditioning, so I wondered just how well my blanket was working.  Turns out, fantastically.

They are on the third floor and their speaker is back and down the hall- and I could hear their music in the second floor hallway in front of my apartment.  I walked upstairs, got halfway up and oh. my. gosh they were BLASTING- and I mean BLASTING AT FULL VOLUME some kind of terrible death metal. This was about 10pm Sunday evening.  I couldn't believe how incredibly loud it was, truly excessive- I'm shocked their other neighbors aren't complaining.

So the blanket works. Thank God.
That was absolutely horrible.

******
Starro
My plant flowered... it has been on my desk at work for years...and it just flowered for the first time.  It is a huernia something-or-other.

I showed my boss, and he said it looks like the super-villain Starro from 1960... comic book stuff.

I think it is awesome to have a super-villain plant!
No one is particularly surprised I have a super-villain plant.

******
My Desk at Work
I moved my desk again thanks to my manager who did me a great kindness and moved other people around.
Now I'm back at my old desk that I was moved from back in 2013.
It is a good location, with my team, and my old window.
So it is like coming home and I am very grateful and happy.

I was at this desk from 2009-2013.
When I was moving back in, I found an old drawing of Daya's from preschool!!!
It was still there!

******
Beach 2: Last Saturday Rob picked me up and we went on another Rob Improv Adventure. We ended up at Jones Beach which was so amazing and lovely. Neither of us was prepared but it didn't matter, we stood in the water, got wet, and had a nice walk.






We saw baby seagulls... really teeny ones.
They are the dots next to the big seagull.
They were so cute, especially flying together in a little clump.

Rob is a very don't-plan-in-advance person, probably in balance to all the planning he has to do at work. So he doesn't like to be bogged down having to think about more stuff.  I, also, have too much to think about and I don't want extra stuff to think about.  Which is why I never ask where we are going when he picks me up.  Actually, I don't care.  I'm up for almost anything, and the things I wouldn't want to do are the things Rob also wouldn't want to do.  Because I like spending time with him the destination is always secondary.

Rob cooked dinner which is always wonderful because he has kitchen skillz.

******
What I need, critically:
I need a break and a complete change of scenery.
I need a break from Daya and she needs a break from me.

We both need for her to be able to go somewhere for a week and I go somewhere else and we both reset and recalibrate. Decompress.

I am completely burned out and I can't seem to get to a reset-relaxation point anymore. At least I know why but there isn't a solution because I have nowhere to send Daya. It is the break and change of scenery that we both need, taking vacation days from work and staying home isn't going to do it.

Standoff

I forgot to hit post on this one!

8x10 pastel on Richeson sanded paper

Lagoon

Here's a quick painting I did tonight. Couple of hours. 

8x10 pastel on black Richeson sanded paper. 

How to Get Through the Summer

Carey and I aren't sure how we will get through July and August.
So I had a Great Idea.... the best way to make time go fast is when you have Deadlines.

So we have a 4 week project with deadlines every Saturday.
Hopefully this will make July go quickly.

********
Yesterday for the 4th of July we went to Coney Island because Rob wanted a hot dog from Nathan's. It was packed. We went on the Thunderbolt:

Rob said this was the ride to determine if he is too old for roller coasters.
The verdict is he is not too old.

The Cyclone is 90 years old and it is not too old either.  Daya didn't think the Cyclone was a big deal in line, but afterward she thought it was really scary. There's a reason there are so many copycat Cyclones!

The Cyclone has it's own Parks Department sign!

Rob has been on the Cyclone probably 75 times and he says he still gets scared before going on.

I was not scared.

******
Daya is not in camp this summer because I can't pay for dance and braces AND camp. So it is a bit of a tough summer.  I wish it was different but there's nothing I can do.

14:45

There is a painter named Ryan O'Rourke who does 10 minute acrylic painting demos on youtube. And they are pretty good!  He knows his theory, he knows what he is doing, and his 10 minute paintings are pretty cool!

Doing timed paintings isn't a new concept.

A lot of people have done this as a way to practice and get the mind shifted into a different gear. Some people limit the number of brush strokes instead of time- for example, doing a painting in only 120 brush strokes.

Because I have a terrible obsession with oil paint and pastels, it stands to reason I am also fully stocked in acrylics which is good because when I need them I'm ready to go. Last night I brought out my acrylics and did a little 10 minute painting which took 14 minutes and 45 seconds.

It is such a small time investment, and truly a mental flip. While it will never replace longer studio paintings it really is fantastic artistic exercise. I guess these could also be done in pastel, and probably oil because nothing is impossible, but the acrylic drying time is a huge advantage with layering.

With this painting, I chose a color scheme ahead of time which was fun but also maybe not the best decision because I made the composition up as I went along.

It would have been better to know my composition beforehand.

This painting is not a good painting but I don't care. It was good practice and good to try something new. My coordination isn't there yet but with some practice it will be.

5x7 acrylic

****

Today is the summer solstice.

I'm going this afternoon to light soome candles.

Yellow Wood

Here is a painting I started a while ago. Last month probably.  It got finished Thursday night and I'm now just posting it.

9x12 pastel on Mi Tientes.(smooth side)

The paper is a lovely yellow ochre, pretty much the yellow of the sky though I put pastel over it.

I like working on different colored grounds.

This painting is a continuation of Adventures in Smooth Pastel Paper.  Mi Tientes is a smooth paper which I have so much of and always ignore in favor of my sanded and textured papers.  Smooth paper is just different but I'm working on making friends with it.

Flip: Broken

The theme Broken is in honour of Carey's fridge, which was in a broken state more than any fridge has a right to be.

ACEO 2.5x3.5 pastel on bristol with Golden pastel primer.

DOOM

Carey's Fridge Tribute is here.

4 Things

Thing 1
I'm still feeling better but it feels tenuous and fragile.
The noise from upstairs is a bad trigger, when it happens, and anticipating it,
I wish it wasn't and I don't know how to minimize how it affects me.

I got a really LOUD industrial floor fan, which Daya has named Fran.
I love Fran. Fran is awesome.

It all seems petty and silly and small and ridiculous until I search for solutions online and find so many other people who have the same intense reaction.

Thing 2
I have made a decision to not acknowledge Fathers Day.
The last time I saw my father was for a couple of hours four years ago.
We haven't had any contact since last October.
Daya also has no contact.  She stopped crying for him about it a year and a half ago and the last thing I need is to re-open that issue.  It was bad, very bad, for years.

It is obvious he has no interest whatsoever in any type of involvement in my life or Daya's, so I need to stop doing old habits and things which hurt me.  I have to let it go. I'm not angry, but I am sad. It is sad and anyone in my place would be sad about it because that is a normal human reaction.

For several years now I have been very seriously wondering if I will ever see him again.  As far as I know he is and has been in good health, and he lives the distance of a 2 hour flight away. I did tell him I would like to see him but all I got was a response that they are busy and have no plans to come up to the northeast.  I am not welcome to visit them. Daya went three years ago and they showed her a great time then never asked her back.

There is no relationship.  Everything about it from his end and mine is old and very outdated- nothing current because there has never been enough contact, no life overlap, and he isn't interested in building that. It is why the relationship failed. There is nothing of the present in it. So I'm done walking in old empty meaningless patterns.

I have come to the conclusion that I will probably not ever see him again though I would have chosen differently. One day I'll probably get a letter in the mail telling me he has passed on and I will not inherit anything. This is sad but I will let it be and let it go.

Thing 3
Daya is miserable because there is no dance for two weeks.
She is impatiently waiting for school to be over...June 29th I think is the last day.

We never got a pointe shoe email that her teacher said would be sent out right after recital. Daya's ballet teacher mentioned there is no reason Daya shouldn't be in pointe shoes, and she was going to talk to the prepointe teacher but we have heard nothing.  So Daya is dealing with failed expectations and extreme disappointment- some of them her own possibly of her own making and some were set by her teacher.  She just wants to know, she is a kid, she is excited, she has been working so very hard.

I told her to adjust her expectations to hear something around her birthday but Daya is a stubborn obsessive Scorpio (like me) and changing her mind is just hitting a big brick wall.

Thing 4
Today I am starting to go through A Course in Miracles.
It's something I have known about and been aware of for the last 20 years, and I studied it a little in seminary, but it never called to me.  Now it is.  Interestingly, I got both the physical copy and the audio copy for free, which I appreciate. So it is time I guess. I suspected one day it would be.

June

Today is the first day I have been feeling mostly back to normal since Memorial Day weekend  Two weeks ago.

Everything hit me in a big crashing wave over Memorial Day.  Just cumulative life stuff.  It was bad.  And that horrible anxiety chest/solar plexus pain came back...constant and intense. Today is the first day in two weeks I have gotten relief.

My upstairs neighbors were quiet for a while then started BLASTING their stupid party music...three days in a row....that was a week ago.

I spoke with the landlord.

The piano next door is still a huge bother.

There is stuff I have been sifting through about my father which I don't want to write about and it is sad stuff but not new or life-changing.

I lost my desk at work... I got displaced because of new people moving onto the floor.  My awesome sunny wonderful space that I loved so much.  I have a new desk and it is crappy and loud and the location is terrible.

This year in particular I have been really struggling with this awful painful chest anxiety- and it isn't something I can control at all.  Prayer and meditation doesn't help. Yoga doesn't help. Physical activity doesn't help.  Nothing helps.  Even spending time with Rob- nice good times- doesn't even relieve it.  It's just constantly there until it isn't, much like a physical injury which hurts until it doesn't anymore.

I'm at such a loss of how to deal with it, and it lasts for such a long time- weeks.

Constant.

Perhaps I'm just at a point of being completely worn down and I don't have any internal buffering or stamina left.  That happens to bodies physically from trauma/wear, so it makes sense it can happen internally as well. 

I think that is what has happened.

****

Daya did amazing at her recital.

We still haven't heard about her pointe shoes and she is miserable.

The girls she is with in dance have not been very nice to her lately.

I hate that she is miserable.

Sometimes she takes her misery out on me and sometimes she looks for connection.

FLIP: Shoes

Poor Daya has been pining for pointe shoes- badly.  She still has to wait a little while, we are waiting on teacher approval, but I gave her this painting for her room, so she has her own pair of pointe shoes like only her mom can make.  :)

Soon

9x12 pastel (mostly Unisons) on pastelmat (it was grey)

About 2 1/2 hours

Carey's shoes are here! :)

*********

What a surprise this morning, my pastel plein air painting from a couple of weeks ago was featured iin a Sennelier article!! Wow!!  Thank you Sennelier!

(they also called me young so I love them)

I'm telling you, my pet Central Park raccoon was good luck!

Remove the Blockades!

Something really terrible happened in Times Sq last Thursday.

It happened right in front of my office, and we were on emergency lockdown.

It was a horrible thing for sure but now, Tuesday, the New Years blockades are still up and there is a group of armed police with huge guns standing outside.

Take the New Years Blockades Down!

What happened was awful but there is absolutely no need for this nonsense.

It was such a freak thing- a guy bent on a suicide mission taking people with him. An American from the Bronx who wanted the cops to shoot him.

Times Square is a really safe place..... what that Bronx guy did could not be predicted nor prevented and these blockades just promote some kind of police-state fear mentality.

Security here has always been amazing.

Freak things can happen. ANYWHERE.

Driving on the highway is a very dangerous thing to do--- far more so than walking around in Times Square.

Besides, the blockades are only on one block...someone could drive up 8th ave and do the same thing.  You can't blockade the whole city nor is there any reason to.

This stuff happens all over the country--- hell, all over the world.....and I dislike anything that promotes irrational fear and underlying panic. And traffic jams.

Times Square is no less safe because of one person's stupid suicide attempt.

Pastel Paper Test

I have been working on sanded paper so much lately, especially for plein air.  The Richeson sanded paper I love so much is really gritty.  It is a lot grittier than Colourfix and even Uart.

Sanded papers are great because they take so many layers- which is good- but when I was out painting the other day I was thinking about clouds on sandpaper vs a smooth paper.

I have a whole lot of nice pastel papers (all surfaces) but in particular I haven't been such great friends with Mi Tientes.  But there are effects that night be easier with a smooth paper, though it definitely doesn't take the layers.

Here is a little experiment just for workflow and feel.

Less than a half hour.

9x12 pastel on gray Mi Tientes, smooth side.

*****

For mother's day I did 5 loads of laundry.

Daya didn't acknowledge the day at all, which honestly would have been nice but that's how it goes, and these kinds of society-attention days shouldn't matter.

FLIP: Spike

Once every several years or so I get a short-lived but intense urge to use watercolor.

I always start out well enough, nice and light and transparent- and then I muck the whole thing up.  This got mucked up mostly because I changed my mind about the colors, and you can't really do that with watercolor without having to start over.

But then Carey moved and we took a Flip break and during that time my watercolor urge passed. I didn't worry too much about the mucky state of the painting because that's why I have clear gesso, which is lovely and toothy under pastels.

Uni-Shroom

5x7 watercolor and pastel (mungyo semi-hards)

on watercolor paper (strathmore for the paper geeks)

My Pet Central Park Raccoon

I went up to the reservoir yesterday to paint some clouds.
They would not stay still, not at all so I had to settle on a composition and just kind of fudge it.  The sky went from all grey overcast to clear.

8x10 pastel on black richeson sanded paper

There is a running track around the reservoir where the Manhattan after-work crowd goes to run, jog, walk, whatever.  I have a spot up there which is on the running track but tucked away next to the gatehouse building at the top, so I am not in anyone's way.

People were overwhelmingly friendly- many people either stopped to say hi and say something nice about the painting, or they yelled out something nice as they ran by.  Even when my painting went through a *really* ugly stage.

I was so involved in my painting I didn't notice the raccoon who kept coming over to sit by my feet- on the running track.  Four people stopped to tell me he was there, which scared him off.  I finally saw him when he came back again, and he was big and fluffy and cute.

Here he is, running away- I couldn't get any other pictures of him.

******

Everyone was out yesterday.  The raccoon, dogs, and horses.

                     

                               

                   

*****

Sky pics

                   

*******
I thought the raccoon thing was cool because I started reading a book on St Francis yesterday, and this arrived in the mail:

Shifting

It is true that I haven't been blogging as much lately and I'm also not productive at the easel. Not lately.

Carey has been in a long moving process so our weekly FLIPs have been paused, and will hopefully resume soon.  I am planning to go out painting after work tomorrow.

Throughout this whole year I am noticing a gradual shift, some of it natural and some of it unwanted.  I will be 40 this year and I feel a transition happening. This is a natural part of life.  What I don't like is my over-sensitivity to anxiety which seems to be a new thing.

Unwanted noise in my home is my kryptonite.
It really, really throws me off, even anticipation of it.
Even when all is well..... that's a bit crazy isn't it. Silly, even.

I am starting to become concerned more than I ever have been about the years to come- basic stuff, like living situation.  There is no problem with where I am now.  Actually, it is a very good situation. But I worry about long-term maintenance. And worry is a huge misuse of imagination.

The thing about all of this is that I need to re-align to all the things I have learned up to this point in my life.  All of it is just fear.

Why is it, even armed with awareness and the knowledge of how to connect, that it is difficult to stay connected to a place of Source? With the knowing that everything is being handled?

******
Caroline Myss said that one of the universal experiences of growing spiritually is having gone through time alone, sometimes a lot of it. I have written about that before- but I still have thoughts around it that I need to change when I feel sad. So instead of thoughts around having been alone, I am thinking instead "I have not been alone; I have just spent a lot more time with god,' which is true.

I am not sad that my mother isn't in my life,
No one knows where my sister is, as far as I am aware no one has heard from her for years and I am at peace with that, too.

But I do get sad about my father sometimes.
The situation won't change so I need to rearrange myself to be in peace.
The truth is that I have managed just fine without his presence or assistance.
I do not actually need it.
Would it have been nice to have that relationship, assuming it is a positive one? Yes.  However, he is his own father. I have to release it in peace.

What I want to say about this is that it is a process and a practice. A practice that needs to be- well, practiced.

******
Living in a state of anxiety is not living in god-realized consciousness.
It shouldn't be challenging but it is, which means I need to practice.

I AM THAT I AM is the greatest spiritual truth/secret/teaching.
It is the most powerful thing in existence.
Conscious alignment requires constant diligence and daily practice.

I might need to implement a morning and evening practice, because I need to maintain conscious alignment.

******
I need to remember that I have been on this Path consciously from the start- since I was a small child. I need to remember that I have always been taken care of.
Perhaps somewhat unconventionally, but it is true.
Two people have told me on two separate unconnected occasions that I have divine protection- which is good because I have needed it.
I need to release the how and just know all is and will be well.

I need to remember that because I have been walking a Path of conscious alignment for my whole life, this will continue and the way will unfold in a positive benevolent way.

It is practice.

T-shirt Womb

When Daya performed at Barclays Center they gave out t-shirts. 

One size: HUGE!

She wears hers and probably mine too (i dont know which is mine; neither i suppose) around the apartment and also as sleepwear. 

Tonight she discovered she can fit her entire self inside the t-shirt. 

She called it a womb. 

I might have to see if I can also fit inside the t-shirt.

Maybe I am not quite as flexi-bendy but we are both basically the same height so it might work.

Yes Daya still has fleece snowflake sheets on her bed because she loves them that much. For the record Jackie loves her fleece sheets so much she also uses them year-round. 

Tuesday to Tuesday

I know my blog got neglected for over a week. That's longer than usual...just haven't been able to muster up the effort.

Tuesday: Drusilla came to the city and I took a day off.  It rained all day so we drank sake and went to the museum of natural history to see the mummy exhibit, which was very good.  There was absolutely no photography allowed so of course I got some good pictures.  Only got yelled at once.

Weds-Thursday: It's that time of year for dance placement auditions for next year.  Daya is eligible to apply for a solo/duet/trio. I refuse to pay for it because 1) I can't and 2) I'm actually not willing to put extra money on top of the already significant monthly dance allotment.  Especially since Daya has now started tutoring in the neighborhood...she's really good, too, and cheaper than the college kids.  She has her first client and has already worked 5 hours. So if she does extra she has to pay for it.

Friday: Rob has a favorite restaurant in Williamsburg.  We go there a lot, which I like because they have all my favorite stuff.  It is an Asian-themed place, really beautiful inside- sushi, Thai, rice, noodles, Rob's favorite orange chicken....and we found out they shut down as of this past Sunday.  So last Friday was our last night at Hachi.  Sad.

Saturday: Daya had a HORRIBLE day. A Thunderstorm woke her up at 5:30am.  She hurt herself (she's ok) in her acro class. She had her team placement audition which she said she messed up badly. She forgot her keys and locked herself out....and I wasn't home because I was in Manhattan for a co-worker's choral concert.  So I told Daya how to climb the fire escape...she got yelled at once but finally made it and now we have both used our Break-In cards and that has to be the one and only time for both of us.

Sunday: Rob wants to get a cat and we went to see one on the Upper West Side.
We were on 92nd street. I had my cat carrier which was a cat-hair bomb (from Pebbles) and I was cleaning it out on the street...a ridiculous lady yelled at me because I was removing cat hair from the carrier "where families and children walk."  There was NO ONE on the sidewalk.  Rob really ripped into her and it was pretty hilarious. So 92nd street is a block where multi-millionaires live. Amazing old architecture, loads and loads of money.  And one building that is the projects, which is of course where the cat was. Such an intense contrast. So we went to the ASPCA (still on 92nd!) and they had no kittens.  Rob wants a kitten and he decided Manhattan cats are too messed up so he'll probably go out to Long Island.

Monday:  I have new neighbors upstairs and they like to BLAST their horrible music. It makes me insane...I get all the drums and all the bass. Have written a letter, have complained, will probably have to keep complaining because it is HORRIBLE when they do it.  I don't want to come home from work with their party pounding through my apartment.  If they want to do that they should move to the Bronx.  I get so messed up from stuff  like this....I don't want that nonsense in my home and there is no way to block it out.  It is distressing and awful.

Tuesday: Jackie and I went to dinner and had a nice time. Rob locked himself out of his apartment due to leaving his keys in Brooklyn at his job. His friend helped him get in.

******
I have pictures for this post but I'll post them later, maybe.