Not Photogenic

Isis is a very pretty cat but she takes terrible pictures.

We take pictures anyhow.

She makes up for all her terrible pictures with her extremely loud rumble-purr.

I Knead an Eraser

I got my first kneaded eraser when I was nine years old (4th grade).  It came in a General's drawing set, which had some pastel pencils, different graphite pencils, charcoal pencils, a sharpener, and.....hey guess what, they still make it!

It is exactly the same!

I LOVED that pencil set, and I still have quite a few of the pencils!

Of course I brought my set to school and someone stole my kneaded eraser.

Through the years I have had many kneaded erasers. I have only used one to the point of non-usability once. They pretty much last forever, or until they get too much charcoal in them and they make lines instead of erasing them.

The biggest danger to kneaded erasers is getting lost.  And cats.  Cats like to play with them- bite them, roll them around. If you drop them in pencil shavings and they somehow get really squished down and embedded, it's just easier to get a new eraser than pick out all the wood shavings. That's more unusual though; mostly they get lost.

Kneaded erasers smell WONDERFUL. I have always loved pulling them apart very slowly so they turn into a very soft velvety rope and smelling them.

They smell soooo good and are so soft when pulled apart

I have a lot of kneaded erasers because I kept losing them. So I would pick up another, And then I would find them, then lose them, then pick up another one...and so on. But since my studio has been nice and organized, my kneaded eraser has been living nicely on my easel tray, except when a cat gets to it.

And the spares all live together, too. My current working eraser is the one on the bottom right.

Pebbles & My Bad Moment

I have had Pebbles for just about three years.
Throughout those three years, I have kept in regular touch with the rescue about Pebbles and her issues.

They know what is happening.
They know the care I have given.

So, Branwen offered to take Pebbles to her parents' farm in Wisconsin.
To be INDOORS.
I said yes and Daya said no. Vehemently, no.

But last night Pebbles peed all over my bed again and I hit bottom.
I really had a bad moment.

I contacted Branwen and I sent a note to the rescue lady.
She got really nasty.
Unfriended me.
Treated me like I'm one of those people who switches an old animal out for a new one.

SHE KNOWS THE SITUATION.

I am so hurt.
I have done everything right, made an effort to do everything right, and it is all for nothing.
Still, I am seen as one of those awful soul-less animal-dumping people.
By someone who knows what has been going on and should know better.
Because we have discussed it many times, in depth.

I cannot, ever, in any situation- no matter how far I go to do the right thing- get a break from people.
No matter what, everything gets all screwed up.

Pebbles remains with me, no plans have been made for re-homing her.

Mad: NIRNROOT

This week's theme is NIRNROOT!
I have been so excited for nirnroot!

Nirnroot is a plant which is found in Skyrim. It glows and emits a cool sound.
There is regular nirnroot and crimson nirnroot.

There is a book called The Spirit of Nirn.
I did a cover for it.
Daya loves the nirnroot so I hung it by her computer.

The Spirit of Nirn
9x12 pastel on pastelmat

I used all kinds of pastels- Derwent pastel pencils, semi-hard pastels, panpastels, and soft metallic pastels (senns).

....I think I have an addiction to pastelmat, it is such amazing paper.......the surface is textured with vegetable fiber and the way it holds the pastel is just so wonderful.  It is not a sanded paper and it doesn't eat up the pastels, but it holds them and can take many layers. It feels soooooo nice.

It is expensive. I bought a pack a while ago and have been using it sparingly...but I was in Jerry's a couple of weeks ago and IT WAS ON SALE at $25 for a 9x12 pack of 12 sheets!!!!

Carey also loves nirnroot.

Hit

But if there's on thing in my life

that these years have taught

it's that you can always see it coming

but you can never stop it

                         -Cowboy Junkies

So-called "special" days and holidays hit me hard in a very bad way, and it isn't something I seem to have any control over.  It just happens and it is very hard to get through. It's getting worse and worse every year.  It starts a few days before, no matter what is going on or not going on. I wish I could stop it, make it stop, make it go away, but I cannot. It hits and I cannot get out of the path no matter what.

It's bad.

I am over-encumbered, and have been for far too long.  I have already dropped everything that can be dropped but it didn't make a difference.

*****
I posted an article on Facebook yesterday to acknowledge that not everyone shares in the experience of having a great mother. Someone messaged me privately to say thank you, that it meant a lot to them to see that even though they weren't going to "like" it publicly for personal reasons.

I guess that's why I stick so much of my personal stuff out there, because we are so inundated with affirmations, positive memes, expectations to feel/react in certain ways, and so many people are really struggling.  It's good to encounter things to relate to instead of someone telling you to think positive bullshit thoughts.

Empathy.

Stellar Parenting

Daya is driving to Wisconsin with Branwen and Branwen's cats next month.
I mentioned this to someone at work, and they asked, "Where in Wisconsin?"

Huh. I never did find that out, other than "Branwen's parents' farm."

So I said, "I don't know."

Then later the same day, Daya called from dance and said her senior trip was on the same day she was supposed to leave.

I called Branwen to see if she would be willing to leave one day later.  (Yes)
Branwen asked, "Where is the senior trip?"

Huh.  I didn't know that, either.
I do know I paid $65 for it though.

So I said- again,  "I don't know."

This is stellar parenting.
Role model material.

*****
I have since found out that the senior trip is to Medieval Times, which I think is somewhere in New Jersey.

I still don't know where in Wisconsin Daya will be, except that it will be on a farm and I am really jealous because I, too, want to go to a farm in Wisconsin.

The road trip part I am happy to skip.

But I !LOVE! farms and farm animals and horses!! and I want to go hang out in a cheeze cave.

****
Also, fuck Mother's Day. It's stupid.
The only thing stupider than Mother's Day is Father's Day.

Always Welcome

This tea truck was in my neighborhood.
That is the perfect place for it to be.

A Tea Truck!

Prayer Dream

I had a dream about prayer.
In the dream, I was speaking to a woman about prayer and types of prayer.
How people pray.

The conversation was about prayer as praise/worship, and that I dislike it.  I was telling this to the woman. How prayer to essentially tell a god "You are so great, you are so fabulous! Praise (whoever)!" just seems a little... odd... to me.

Guidance and gratitude.

Those resonate with me.

And then in my dream, I thought maybe I should blog it.

So I did.

10 Years

As of May 1st, I have officially been at my job for 10 years.

I am very grateful for my job- it is a very good situation. It has been an interesting 10 years here- some bumps along the way, but for the most part it has been very good. I have learned a lot. I am good at my job and while sometimes it can get boring, I'm not complaining.

It is flexible- I do keep my office hours and I do my work- but no one is tracking what time I come in and leave, I can work from home, I can run errands/do what I need to at lunch, or just hole up at my desk. The people I work with are good people. There is excellent work/life balance. I get a LOT of vacation time.

My job has a very low stress level for the most part, and I need that. In itself, the low stress of my job is a great blessing.

Before I came up to Times Square I was downtown in the financial district. I liked it down there a lot. Times Square is a completely different vibe. But for 10 years now, Times Square has been my stomping ground and I will admit I'm a bit spoiled because of it.

Restaurant Row is right here.
All the shopping is right here.
I have THREE art supply shops within 15 minutes of my desk. (That might not be so good.....ummmm....)
My commute is great.
I have 24/7 building access which means clean nice bathrooms for me and whoever I am with when out and about.
Central Park is super close.

The scariest thing about Times Square is the sheer number of Elmos (and other assorted creepies) on every corner. They are one of the reasons I am not really scared of anything, because I have already been through so much Scary Shit. And a cluster of six Elmos on the corner is truly terrifying.

If my future self in 10 years said to me, "You will still be here in another 10 years," that would be just fine.

Many Thousands

How?
I don't know.
No idea.
Two years.
Many thousands.

It starts next Monday.

I cry.

**********
I really don't like having to shoulder 100% of everything.
People say, "Oh, but aren't you proud of yourself for doing such a great job?"

No. It's a brutal circumstance on so many levels.
It is not good.
I do what I have to do because there is no other choice.

Emotionally, physically, financially, logistically, everything.
It's scary and daunting to look at the parenting road ahead, and I have no one to share that with, or talk about it with.
If I need answers I have to find them on my own.
There is no assistance or support, relief, or comfort.
Most people doing this solo-parenting thing either have family, a significant other, or an ex involved.
I have never encountered anyone else on this solo-parenting road who has none of those.

It's not right but that doesn't matter, I have no choice.
It just really stinks and I'm so worn out.

Mad: Spiral

Carey and I are spirals this week. Spiraling out of control, perhaps.

Technically mine are double helix-es (helices?) but who cares.  That's a kind of spiral right?

Core
9x12
pastel on pastelmat

I found a new type of pastel to be mad about.  Mungyo semi-hard pastels.  Mungyo is a Jerry's brand. They are really inexpensive and the colors are lovely. I guess these are like Nupastel, which I do not have and now I probably need. Seriously, I LOVE working with these. An added plus is they aren't very dusty.

In the world of soft pastels, there are varying degrees of softness. These are on the harder end, maybe a little harder then Rembrandts, I need to get some Nupastels to compare them.

Senns, Unisons, etc are really soft. These are much firmer in texture making them fantastic for under-painting and lower layers, as well as detail work.

This is very parallel with oils, where lean (less oil) paint is used in the under-layers and fatter (more oily) paint is used over leaner layers. (Especially when applying wet paint over wet paint.) In pastel layers, layering a softer pastel over a harder pastel works very well.

That Time Again....

Dance pictures.
Recital.
Competition.
Daya has 8 costumes this year.
8!!
They cost a small fortune.
The pictures will also cost a small fortune....but it is one of those things you just have to do.

Matters of Scale

Am I tiny or is Kitty huge?

Or perhaps both?

OMG it is May.

Dusky Clouds

Here are some dusky clouds.

ACEO

pastel on colorfix primed bristol

Goodwill or Contempt

"The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger 

over that person’s soul until you find a crack, 

and then gently pour your love into that crack."

                                                                                            - Keith Miller

Goodwill or contempt.

This is something I practice a lot. Very, very consciously.

Mostly with strangers.

I believe that a vital part of spiritual practice is to cultivate peace and goodwill towards others no matter how we may be feeling personally. And it takes constant awareness and practice.

It's not easy at first but it does get easier with practice.

It is done by observing how you react to strangers you encounter in normal ordinary situations.  Your thoughts. How you regard them, especially knowing absolutely nothing about them. If you offer more contempt than goodwill, remind yourself gently to offer goodwill instead.  

It does work, and it does change your approach and attitude towards others.
In turn you will find yourself less stressed or annoyed.

We all know the phrase "peace on earth and goodwill to men."

It is a daily spiritual practice in the small mundane moments.

This is True

There will likely be times in your life 

when your soul evolves more quickly

than your circumstances.

                                           -Daily OM

*******
Yeah, This is true and I have felt like this for a very long time.
I honestly feel like my current life circumstance isn't teaching me anything and it hasn't for a while. I have mentioned this before.  Actually, I think at this point it is a hindrance.

But it doesn't change no matter what I do or do not do, and I cannot figure out why and it is extremely frustrating.

Mostly, it is just exhausting and I feel incredibly worn down.

*****
I was speaking with a friend the other day about something she is dealing with concerning her son. Hard stuff.  Really hard stuff.
She has tried everything and then some.
For YEARS.
It didn't work.
She just has to let the situation be what it is, and that's hard.

I can relate to that.

There comes a point when, after everything has been done that could be done, people don't need advice. They don't need or want other people giving them "answers" or suggestions. They don't need people judging them. Evaluating. Analyzing. Trying to fix.  Others thinking they know your life better than you do. That they know something you don't already know. That they have the answers you don't have. That if you would do what they say, think what they think, it would get better.

What is needed in these circumstances is just listening and acknowledging. Empathy. Acknowledging that it's hard, too hard- and there's just nothing else to be done and that really sucks and it hurts.

*******
If you break your arm, no one is going to tell you that you can choose whether or not it hurts.
It is the same with our spirits, feelings, and hearts.

As with physical injuries, emotional injuries are greater and lesser degrees.

It is true that some people want to wallow and be victime but most don't- they are really trying to move forward. They might not know how to, and if that is the case they will look for help. But sometimes nothing works, despite trying everything. And you just have to endure whether or not you want to.

We can certainly choose how we deal with it in the sense of whether we become bitter and take it out on others (or ourselves), or if we maintain a kind heart and an open, gentle spirit.

But either way, the situation is still crappy and it's absolutely ok to just call it what it is.
Without being judged.

Empathy.

Crunchy!

Crunchy lunch??

Mad... ! ...Gradient

The theme this week is my fault.

I chose it because I wanted to finish my lobster, and he has a nice gradient.

But I did not finish my lobster, or even work on him.

Since I finished my cloud trees I'm ok with that though.

Instead, here is a door in a tree with..... a gradient!

This is 4"x4" black paper....those "Artist Tile" thingies.  It's really just pre-cut 4x4 black paper.

Derwent Colorsoft pencils

I like working on black and I like Derwent Colorsofts. They are super smooth.

They show up on black much better than Inktense, and they are not water-soluble.

You could probably use a little solvent with them though, but I didn't.

Carey has gradients, I bet they are really nice, too. Carey makes great gradients.

Check them out.

** When it is my turn to pick a theme again, I have the BEST THEME already picked out!

And you'll just have to wait!

A Finished Painting! Whoa!

It's finished!
Finally!

This painting just wasn't working which was why I avoided it for so long.
It started out really ugly and stayed that way for a long time.

Yesterday I said I was going to finish this thing no matter what.
I brought out the vintage WN pastels from Dru...

I really like these pastels.

So I worked and re-worked with my kneaded eraser and now it is finished and I feel very relieved.

The painting is also relieved to be finished. It was worried about its sorry existence there for a while.

Cloud Trees

12x18

pastel on Mi Tientes

Cool Books From My Library

I have a lot of books.

There are many people with a lot more living space who have larger libraries than mine, but I still have a lot of books. Easily in the thousands.

I do have a very excellent art book collection.

These days my fiction-reading is all on kindle (I had to go electronic to save space, no regrets) but I get all my art books in physical copy.  (Cookbooks too.)

Here are five cool art books.

**********
Herbs for the Medieval Household
I got this book back when I worked at the Met in college.  it came with a companion book about medieval households, which is also on my shelf, right next to this one.

**********

The Art of Alice: Madness Returns

This is an art book of a game. 

I FREAKING LOVE THIS GAME.

The art is just awesome.

I happen to love concept art, and I tend to pick up art books for games, films, etc if I like the art style.

This one is one of my favorites.

***********

The Practice and Science of Drawing

Harold Speed.

Classic.

Enough said.

**********

Framed Ink

This is a book which deals with visual storytelling through composition.

It.
Is.
Awesome.

I have yet to see another book which deals with non-verbal communication through two-dimensional composition as in-depth as this one does.

*************

Dinosaurs!

I had this book when I was in elementary school.  It was one of my first drawing books. The copy in my library is not the same copy I had-- but I found it a few years ago, happily!

I LOVED this book (still do) and spent many hours with it as a child.

The dimetrodon was always my favorite.

Pebbles Says...

Afternoons are made for napping.

MAC Cosmetics Resumed Animal Testing

Ok, so I just found out that MAC cosmetics has resumed testing on animals.

Because of China.
I am so angry.
Principles melt away in the face of $$$$$$$$.
Greed.

In order for these atrocities to change, they must not be supported.

I'm sorry MAC, I liked you (Though I love Urban Decay more) but I am done with you.
Animals are more important than my makeup.

Urban Decay made the decision to not sell in China because of animal testing.  They stood by their beliefs when the time came to prove it.

ALL animal testing MUST stop.

You can check your products here (2016).

A comparison graphic here (2016).

I found some surprises and I'm pretty mad about it.
Boscia, Origins, Fresh.......excellent products I really love. CRAP.

I am going to use what I have because it is here already but I will NOT repurchase until these companies change.

Many brands that did NOT test on animals 

quietly started again.

And it is all because of Chinese laws and $$$$$$$$$$.

untitled

If I could say the words

Everything would be broken still

                                        -Amy Lee

We Gel Well

I am SO into gel mediums for oils these days.
Why?

Simply put, it doesn't change the consistency of the paint.
That means I can add dryer/ extend the paint without a change in consistency, which I prefer to control with solvent. This is really important when you are laying wet paint over wet paint.

Essentially, it is clear oil paint. And it is extremely useful.

It started with Oleogel (Rublev).
I was smitten.

Then it progressed to galkyd gel. (Gamblin)
And THEN I needed Gamblin Tack Reducer (for printmaking but fine for oils too), which is just like oleogel but in a bigger tube. In the stores, it used to be hidden in the printmaking section but now it is also with the oil paint.

And they also have solvent-free gel which is also alkyd so I had to get that, too.

And THEN Carey said she likes Liquin impasto.

Let's pause here for a moment and discuss Liquin.
It is an alkyd dryer.  A standard.  Winsor Newton. It comes in a bottle.
It stinks but will dry your paint really fast, like 24 hours, making it an illustrator's bff.
So I had to get Liquin Impasto.
And THEN i noticed WN has another gel too... Liquin Oleopasto.
So I had to get that as well.

I'm not compulsive or anything.

1. Rublev Oleogel.  Linseed oil, fumed silica and wax.  I LOVE OLEOGEL.  Does not contain dryers.  Soooo silky and smooth! No smell.

2. Gamblin Tack Reducer- also linseed oil and fumed silica. No dryers. Pretty much the same thing as Oleogel but in a bigger tube. No smell. I like it. There are many times I don't want any dryers in the paint.

3. Gamblin Solvent-free gel- has a dryer. Dries the paint moderately fast. Silky and wonderful. No smell. Great stuff.

4. Gamblin Galkyd Gel. Gel with dryer. I LOVE GALKYD GEL. Handles the same as Oleogel and the other Gamblins. No smell/not much smell.

5. Liquin Impasto.  Dries the paint the fastest.  Smells kinda bad. Dries faster than Galkyd gel. It's silky. I'll use it but after this tube I won't buy more. Partially because I prefer to support Gamblin with my purchase decisions. It's thick Liquin. Better than the stuff in the jar.

6. Liquin Oleopasto- funny thing about this, I couldn't find it in the stores.  It was always out of stock. And I went around looking until I finally just got it on Amazon. It is THICK.  Really, really THICK. This is not something I would normally use. I'm glad I have it around because one day in the future I'll likely need it...it's always good to have options.  Oleopasto REALLY STINKS. Did i mention it is super-thick?


**********
GEEK NOTE: proper use of dryer vs drier.

Mad!! Under the Sea

Once a long, long time ago there was a large salty sea. 

Over the ages, the sea dried up, leaving barrenness behind, 

and a few salty puddles.

All this land used to be under the sea, but now it's not. 

The salt and residual minerals cause a foggy iridescence.

5x7 mixed media.
oil pastel then an acrylic iridescent coat, then finished off with oil pastels. Matte and iridescent.
This is something I started earlier this year and I'm really trying to finish stuff before starting new stuff.

******
I'm really curious to see what was under Carey's sea, because the painting-start she showed me earlier ... well, I'd like to see what was under her sea.

Much Matcha

Matcha is a kind of Japanese green tea powder, traditionally used in tea ceremony.  It is also used to flavor sweet things and it is WONDERFUL. I wish I could find matcha kit-kats here.  Even the Japanese groceries don't have them.

Matcha has become trendy here, but I have been seriously into it for over 10 years. It is very healthy for you, too. Fine grade matcha is very expensive. It is prized for its gorgeous emerald color, its health benefits, and its taste.

When I get it in the local Japanese grocery, I pay about $7 an ounce which is pretty good.  As a tea, there are certain ways to prepare it- it is not like regular tea steeped in boiling water.  Anyhow.

Matcha.
Makeup.
They go together.

Melissa from Kiss & Make-Up and I were talking about matcha, and our love of things green, and her trip to Japan (I am insanely jealous). So we decided to do a matcha beauty inspired blog post together.

So here are my matcha-inspired favorites and a matcha-inspired makeup look.

**********
Elizabeth Arden Green Tea and Green Tea Lavender fragrances
Green Tea has been my favorite Spring/Summer fragrance for several years.  It is lovely.  I think it is also discontinued...but the lavender green tea (I just got this last week) is pretty close.

Most people who know me are aware that I have a really stupid amount of Urban Decay.

It is ridiculous.

I LOVE Urban Decay.

My UD matcha colors:

Kush                    Lounge

I would be terribly remiss if I did not put OIL PAINT in my products list.  Gamblin's pthalo emerald (PG 36) is a great warm-leaning green, for those times when you are not mixing your own. PG 36 is non-toxic and is likely in your green eyeshadow formula.

********
I chose Kush for my matcha makeup look. Kush is part of their permanent collection and it is a great color.

I used Kush with these colors from UD Naked Smoky.
1. crease
2. top highlight
3. outer corner
4. inner corner

ALSO USED:
UD 24/7 pencil in Lucky (lower lash line) - discontinued unfortunately
Kat von D tattoo liner (the black one) upper lash line
UD Perversion mascara
Lippie is UD 1993


I don't know how Melissa does this selfie thing all the time.  It's hard.

******
My pet rat Q-Tip wanted to be in the matcha blog post because he can rock green like nobody's business.

....and then.....
My cat Isis came over, kissed the rat, and gave me the stink-eye until I told her she could be in the blog post too.  Because she is a cat and that's what they do.

kitty-rattie kiss

matcha stink-eye

Homage to Magritte