Told Off

When I went to Trader Joe's* a week or so ago, I got this stuff, which is basically heaven in a jar:

Over the weekend when I was out and Daya was home, I received this text:

Well she sure told me!

******
Daya update:
Her back is better but she has a terrible stuffy-cold and I made her stay home from school. She was extremely upset that she had to miss dance, but she feels so terrible she even has to admit all she wants to do is sleep.

* If you do not have a Trader Joe's in your area you should definitely move.

Flippy

Daya has, after much obsessive hard work, gotten her aerial flip.

She is very proud of her accomplishment, and has celebrated by flipping around the apartment, over-doing it, and hurting her back. It's not serious but she is in pain.

Direct orders from her teacher include heat and no aerials outside of the studio, where the floors are.... elevated? cushioned underneath? I'm not sure. They have something underneath the wood to absorb shock.

We have wood floors but I guess they don't absorb shock too well.

Daya's friend took this video in class.

A Fascinating Heart Chakra

This past Saturday when I went to the cat rescue fundraiser, I met someone really cool.  He was there with his wife. They both love animals.  Wonderful energy, both of them. Anyhow, I was talking to this man (who is also a Scorpio!) and he just completely opened up his energy. I saw his heart chakra- very unique. He is an old soul, I'm sure he knows this already...... we oldies tend to recognize each other pretty quickly. Especially because we are so few and far between.

I told him what I saw, and it was such a great image I had to make a little painting of it. I have never done this before, making a painting of someone else's energy.

This is what it looks like;
8x10 oil on panel 2ish hours

As you can see it is very dark multi-colored, rimmed in a gold halo.
This is quite exceptional.  

"Dark?" you might be thinking- yes, very dark and I think that is better because in this case it shows depth. The depth of very deep water. This is not a shallow person. That gold is just wonderful. Very divine and pure. The chakra was also quite large and perfectly spherical.

******
ASSORTED SIDE NOTES

1. Gamblin, M Graham, Vasari, Williamsburg, Old Holland.  Galkyd Gel. Rosemary Ivories.

2. This painting was finished even before I prepped the easel. It was very pushy and dictating.
Actually, as I was working on it, I had the distinct sense that instead of me working on it until I was happy with it, I was working on it until it was happy with me! 
WTF, painting! Talk about an attitude.

3. I knew this would be obnoxiously difficult to photograph and I was right.

4. Some dim part of me realizes this is probably really weird but a) I don't care b) there is no way that painting would have left me alone until it was an actual painting, and c) I don't care. Did I mention I don't care?

There is an element of insane bravery required if we are to carry out the things we are supposed to do.
So it is a good thing that I don't care about any sort of "strange" factor.

Mad: Lines

Carey asked me what our theme was and I had no clue.
So I looked around.
At the time, I was in the post office and there was a line.

"Lines!" I said.

Here is the little painting I started on Sunday...
5x7 acrylic on canvas panel...

I have no idea what it has to do with lines.
Let's make something up, right now.

BROKEN LINES!
I used broken lines to make the tree trunks.

Journeys

I actually started a painting today.  (Well, when this posts, yesterday)
A little one, acrylic, and I wanted to finish it but it needs more time.  Sometimes paintings need a little more time, even the little ones.

All paintings are little journeys.  They have a starting point- an inspiration, a reason to make the painting in the first place.  Starting points are as varied as paintings themselves. Some are easy and straightforward, others- well, notsomuch.

They all have a beginning, a middle, and sometimes an end.
Some are long journeys and some are very short.
Some of them are crappy from the get-go and then they surprise you with the end result.
Others start out quite well and then fall on their faces.
Some paintings are hateful and some are loving.
Some talk more than others. (Yes, paintings absolutely do talk. Some are loud and obnoxious.  Once, I was working on a portrait and it was sitting half-finished on the easel...it actually gave me a nightmare.)
Some need more guidance from the painter, and some tell the painter what to do. Usually it is both.
All paintings love art supplies, new and old.
Sometimes paintings are friends with each other and must be hung together.
Paintings have a language in which they communicate to the artist- the process of painting is very much about both listening and speaking.  A lot of people learn how to speak but not many learn how to listen.

Sometimes, a painting will tell you what it has to say without even needing to be finished.

****
I haven't really had the stamina to go on a long journey-painting for a long time.
That's why I have been working so small lately.

Kitty Raffle!

Last week Jackie told me about a fundraiser event for a local cat rescue in her neighborhood. Branwen wanted to join, so we all went.  It was a very nice time, except for the live music which was dreadful.

There was a raffle and I won this ridiculous basket of plant-garden stuff.

I let Daya unwrap it.
Pebbles photobomed my picture.

My Psychedelic Glowing Shower

It matches the toilet, except it is blinky and very multicolored.
And it even looks like a UFO.
The water pressure is fantastic.

Daya, of course, loves it.

I really, really want to paint my bathroom black this summer.

Redo: Dentist

We actually made it to Daya's 15 minute sealant dentist appointment today.
Everything went so much better.

I walked to school instead of dealing with the bus.
Daya ate a rice ball while waiting for a bus she actually got on this time.

Jacket: same one, but it was a lot warmer.
And no rain.

While I was waiting for Daya, I dug through the lost and found because I was bored, and just to see if anything looked familiar.

And, wow, I found a glove that I had no idea was missing, that she had been looking for.

Genetic Leopard Print

Well, it's official.
My lifelong love of leopard print is genetic.

Carol is Italian and she wrote a post about some differences between Northern and Southern Italians.

"Stefano Dolce and Domenico Gabbana are from Italy’s southernmost region, Sicily, and their creations strongly exude Sicilian passion and tradition. Their most iconic piece is the bustier dress, and Sicilian black lace is their most used fabric. While Armani invented greige, Dolce & Gabbana made leopard print their signature."

Well how about that.
My Italian ancestors were from Southern Italy.

So me and leopard print? An obvious, natural match. 

Genetic.

How wonderful.

Tortie cats also love leopard print.

My Psychedelic Glowing Toilet

Drusilla (who else) showed me THIS THING and I immediately acquired one.

Now my toilet glows purple (or whatever color Daya changes it to) on motion cue in the dark.
It is the coolest thing EVER.

Mad Erased

Carey said our theme was Erased.

I thought about it and one day this image popped into my head.
Make up your own story about it.

I must have forgotten that I don't like using Inktense against a black background. They don't show up very well. So I switched to pastels.

5x7 black colorfix-primed Stonehenge
Inktense pencils and blocks and pastel (unisons)

A Really Cool Tree

The other night when I was collecting Daya from dance, I saw this tree lit up against the night sky.

Doesn't it look *cool*?
I like how the branches are all bare and pointing up.

Matcha Puddding

In keeping with my adoration of all things with matcha, I have made matcha pudding.

It is so stupid-easy I do not know why I didn't think of this years ago.
I have made matcha waffles, pancakes, tea (obviously), smoothies......I don't know what took me so long with matcha pudding.

Anyhow, mix however much matcha you want (I used probably more than most people would) with vanilla pudding mix. (I used instant)
Then prepare as normal.

Beautiful Matcha Pudding

This week I need to make a matcha angel food cake.

Friday Facial

Daya and I did a Friday Facial last night.
Masks are really fun.

1. Boscia Charcoal Deep-Pore Cleansing Stick Treatment

This stuff is very cool. Although I do use Rodan + Fields for my skincare regimen, sometimes I add to it. Anyhow, this cleanser comes in a stick, it's black!, and it deep cleans.  A little goes a long way and I really, really like it. I got it several months ago and have been very pleased. Boscia products in general are excellent and I would always recommend them.

2. Origins Retexturizing Mask with Rose Clay

I just got this and I really like it.

3. Origins Drink Up™ Intensive Overnight Mask

This stuff smells AMAZING and it is very moisturizing. LOVE.

I followed up separately with my R+F eye cream and my Fresh Seaberry Oil, neither of which Daya is allowed to use, ever.  (I started using the seaberry oil in December and it is absolutely amazing.  LOVE.)

Little Bird

Here is the video I took of Daya's dance number last Sunday. :)

Ummmmm....

wednesday, 10:03pm

i need a blog post and i do not have a blog post.

today has been a long day and i am really tired.
but i have no blog post so i cannot go to sleep yet.....

this is what i do when i don't have a blog post:
1) show art supplies (i have nothing new to show)
2) show cats (no new cat pictures)
3) think about anything interesting that might have happened today (nothing)
4) look through my recent pictures and see if there is anything interesting

oh, look- i found some central park pictures taken the day daya and i went to see the titanosaurus.

and furball because she is SO CUTE!

now it is 10:13 and i am going to sleep.

On Stage

Last Thursday, Daya was in the Math Bee final rounds!  She has been trying to get to this point since third grade. I am glad I was able to attend.  Daya didn't win (the 4th grader who won last year retained his title) but just being up there on stage competing with the other finalists was a huge accomplishment.

They had 15 seconds to do double-digit by double-digit multiplication.

We practiced a lot at home, with 12 seconds on the timer.  She usually got her problems in under 9 seconds.

Daya also came in second place in the whole school for having the most points on the Mathletics website.

********
Three days later, this past Sunday, Daya was on stage again (different stage) for a dance team fundraiser show to support Autism Speaks.

She was great.  The whole team was great.

Mad Rain

It was my turn to pick a theme. It was raining when Carey asked me for the new theme, so the theme is rain.

My particular rain is acid rain.

This is a quick sketch-painting done while I was blasting my neighbors with Rammstein!
It was the perfect background music for my acid rain.

Acid Rain
5x7
Unisons on Stonehenge

A Poor Decision

Once upon a time...

...two brothers named Ben and Jerry went shopping at an exclusive Korean market in Paris.

They purchased several unusual items.  Only a few were perishable.

They were very happy and excited about their purchases.

A foreign independent film was playing in a nearby theater.
Jerry said, "Ben, I know of a candle shop where we can put our bags during the film. I am friends with the owner and I know they will not mind."

So, Ben and Jerry put a total of two (2) bags in the candle shop where they would not be disturbed.

They went to view the film and had a lovely outing.

When they returned to the candle shop to collect their parcels, the shop was closed.

"I was not expecting that," said Jerry.
"Don't worry, I know how to pick locks," said Ben.
"Wow," said Jerry.
"I need something long and thin." said Ben.
Jerry looked in his pockets. As it so happened, he had a safety pin and an eyeglass repair kit.
"I can pick the lock with that!" said Ben.

He tried and got very close, but alas, success eluded the brothers.

They then noticed the store hours sign, which indicated that 1) the shop had been closed for several hours and 2) the shop would open again in two days' time.

Jerry said to Ben, "Well, I'll have to mail you your Korean delicacies."
Ben said, "Ok."
Jerry said, "Nice work trying to pick that lock. You have mad skillz and I appreciate your valiant effort."

Ben said, "Lock-picking is a valuable skill. I am going to get you a lock-picking kit for Diwali."

They took the metro home and wrote a blog post about the incident.

*********
Ben said, "Are you sure no one will recognize us in the blog post?"
Jerry said, "Yep, I'm mostly sure."

The End

Fuckwit Neighbors Update

Don't get any hopes up, they are still fuckwits.

I have been blasting them for the past couple of evenings. They make their poor child play the piano through my blasts of ridiculously loud music which is absurd. I feel terrible for the child; she's actually a nice kid. She should absolutely not be in the middle of this.

Someone was actually banging on all the piano low notes as loud as they could- I heard it between songs. It was just no match for Depeche Mode.

Sad, really.

So last night they started with the piano again, and I started with Guns N Roses (which they do seem to particularly dislike). My speakers are connected to my phone (or computer) through Bluetooth.

I'm not sure how they did it, but they are doing something to break my bluetooth connection. Because my speakers are right against their wall, so the signal is probably accessible through their apartment.
They cannot pair to my speakers but they are doing something to interrupt the connection between my phone and speakers.

I did some research on how that might be happening. There are a few things they could be doing, all of which are more complicated than just moving the piano.

Anyhow, because I am a geek I have several assorted cords and connectors- one of which happens to be my beloved line-in cable. I have been using it for years. It looks like a headphone connection on both ends and costs around $5.

And so I don't actually need a bluetooth connection to blast them. I can do it old-school with wires and there's nothing they can do about it.

When they stopped playing the piano I treated them to a Guns N Roses concert, followed by
this perfect song:

BS Detector

The best parenting advice I ever got came from a former boss named Barry.

He told me that when kids act up, it is either because they really need something, or because they are just being little assholes.

It is so, so true.

*********************
Sometimes I actually feel sorry for Daya, because she has a mother who has insanely good BS radar.

This past Thursday night:
On the train home, Daya asked me if I got paid this week.  (No.)  She then INFORMED* me that she needs new jazz shoes. They are "ONLY" $35.

*INFORMED.  Not asking nicely.

Oooohhhhh.
"ONLY" $35.  I see.
I inquired as to why she needed new jazz shoes.

The answer: the current (Capezio brand) shoes look ever-so-slightly different from the shoes most of the other dance team girls have.  Oh, and her shoes "aren't slippery enough on the bottom".

Huh.

Not slippery enough on the bottom.

I called immediate BS since Daya has been wearing her current jazz shoes since September and this is the first I am hearing about "slippery" problems.

Yeah, she had to do better than that to convince me and I told her so.

Daya was so angry with me for not believing her.  She even went to bed angry.
Well, we are both Scorpios and I am just as stubborn as she is.

I don't care.  She can be as mad as she wants. I truly do not care when she is mad at me.** Whatever. I dump *so much money* into her dancing, and time, and energy in supporting her.  There is NO FREAKING WAY I am falling for a BS story like that.

***It is especially important to allow girls the space to be angry and learn to deal with/cope/express it. Girls expressing anger is generally unacceptable in society, and too often we learn to repress it. If you are a girl, and when you get really angry you cry uncontrollably (like me), this is the reason. It is more acceptable for girls to cry, and this unfortunately becomes our "programming" for expression.

It was a long day for her and I know she was tired, which compounded things.
In general, Daya is absolutely amazing and awesome.
She does regularly say thank you to me.
She really is a great kid. So, I don't take the BS too seriously at all.
Friday morning she wanted to forget about the whole thing.

Oh, but I was so NOT impressed that I asked one of Daya's teachers to resolve this little dispute.
(I always defer to them because I am a painter, not a dancer.)

Of course she does not need new jazz shoes.
But I would prefer to call her out on this BS to hopefully prevent some future BS.  Well, as much as possible. She's a kid, it really is ok. But I wanted to make a point.

Anyhow, I told Daya that if she had said, "Mom, my jazz shoes smell really funky; I need new ones!" I would have taken that more seriously.

Really, her jazz shoes do smell very funky.

However, funky shoe-smell is very easily cured by an overnight soak in some clean kitty litter, which I always have on-hand.

you do NOT know

funky shoes

unless you have

a dancer child

********

Daya ssked me, "What would you do to de-stink my shoes if we didn't have cats?"
I told her, "I would buy kitty litter just for this purpose."
She said, "40 lbs??"
I said, "No, not that much."

Vintage 72

Dru found an amazing set of pastels at The Second Show, which is the most amazing secondhand store, ever.

They are Winsor Newton pastels- and WN does not make pastels any longer.
The pastels are in almost brand-new condition, none are even broken.  Most aren't used at all, and a few have a tiny amount of use.

There are 72 of them. FULL STICKS not half sticks!
What an amazing find!

Dru got them for EIGHT DOLLARS.

Because Dru is awesome, and she doesn't use pastels (I think she should but she disagrees), she sent them to me!

Such a great color range.  Most of the pastels are nice and soft in consistency- a few are slightly harder (probably due to the individual pigments)but all have a good consistency.

They have lots of friends here.

Thank you Dru!!!

Log Progress

The rats are on a mission to eradicate the Log.

Through the years, I have had many rats, and I have given them Logs before.
But no one- EVER- was addicted to their Log the way Munchie and Q-Tip are.

Actually it is mostly Munchie.

How do I tell them apart?  Easy. Q-Tip is much bigger than Munchie.  He is a huge mellow lazy brick.  Munchie is small and constantly tries to compensate for his small size by being a bully to Q-Tip. And the funny thing is that Q-Tip just doesn't care.

The Log Raft on Monday night:

The Log Raft Plank Wednesday night:

Fail

Yesterday afternoon Daya had another dentist appointment.  A quick one.  She just needs a few more sealants.

I scheduled the appointment for 2:30. I notified school I was picking her up early at 1:45.
That should be plenty of time. I worked from home.

I knew Daya would be hungry, so I made her a shrimp-filled onigiri (Japanese rice ball wrapped in seaweed).

Daya's school is a very quick ride on the bus- less than 10 minutes. It's just across the neighborhood.
I planned on leaving around 1:15 but was running late, so it was more like 1:25.  Still ok.

It was cold and raining and I did not bring my umbrella.  Also, I was wearing my light jacket.
Bad decisions.

*****
I just missed the bus and the next one was Very Far Away.

Ok, not too big a deal, Route #2 activated- 2 fast train stops and another quick bus ride.

And.
I just missed THAT bus, too.

Time check: 1:38.

Crap.

At this point I started to wonder if I should have just walked to her school in the first place.
20 minutes, but guaranteed.  But I was COLD.  And it was raining!

That stupid bus took FOREVER.
I was still waiting at 1:50.

2:15ish- arrived at school very late. Collected Daya.
Went back to the bus (a different one).

Gave Daya the rice ball.  She loved it.
We waited.
It was cold.
Time: 2:34.
I had to call the dentist.
They said since her appointment was so short, they had someone else booked at 2:45.
We rescheduled.

Daya saw the bus she takes to dance approach.  She wanted to go, so I said ok, bye.

Then I waited until my stupid bus finally showed up and I went home.

*******
I spent 1 hour and 20 minutes freezing cold in the rain waiting for buses and going around in a pointless circle for what should have been a 10 minute trip.

The ONLY thing accomplished was that 

Daya ate a rice ball 

at a bus stop 

waiting for a bus 

she didn't even get on.

********
*Jacket: FAIL
*Umbrella: FAIL
*Bus: FAIL x 2
*Dentist: FAIL
*Rice Ball:  SUCCESS

well the rice ball was successful at least

Mad Butterfly

Our theme this week is butterflies.
This is a good theme. lots of possibilities.
I did a little color study.

Panpastels* and unisons on black mi tientes
*the black sparkly one, silver, gold, and iridescent yellow
9x12

Just Reality

I have felt ambivalent about writing a post on the state of things lately. Not sure why, perhaps lack of will to do it.  I don't know.  It's hard to care these days.

In a nutshell, I am not doing well. I'm not even close to being ok. It's not really apparent from outward appearances. For too many years I have been running on empty, and I have finally reached that point when the engine can't manage anymore.  But I have no choice, I still have to survive and take care of a child and be functional. I don't know what comes next.

I dread waking up in the morning and having to get through yet another day.

Over the last 20- yes, TWENTY!! years- I have been consciously and actively working on myself, my life, to create positive change.

I have done all the right things.
I have done some wrong things, too.
But honestly, nothing very horrific.

And yet, I have been unsuccessful in creating a good positive present life.
Through the years I have never encountered anyone with as few people-resources as me.

I have no bank of major positive experiences.
At best, my experiences have been bad.
At worst, they have been traumatic.
There is no balance.

For years I have been aware of a very high level of background stress.  It just runs in the background whether or not  I think about it.  It has everything to do with raising a child completely alone. I have no backup, no buffer in the event of emergency or misfortune.  It is like travelling on a very narrow snowy mountain road with no guardrail. I am always aware of that brink.

It is also very sad to have no one to share the joys of Daya's childhood with.
It is indescribably lonely.
I know for a fact it affects Daya, makes her sad.
But there is nothing I can do about it.\
I tried.
I failed, on every level.

********
Sometimes life shapes us in ways we cannot control despite our best efforts. And then we can't care anymore because there's just not much of anything left.

I really don't want to be here anymore.

The irony of that is I'm really freaked out about what would happen to Daya if something did happen to me. I mean, I really, really worry about this. Often.

I have a will, but it needs to be changed as I haven't heard from my sister in years and I don't ever expect to again.  I have no one else I would entrust Daya to. There is no one else.
Filling out emergency contact forms stresses me out.

I wish I had known that nothing changes despite all best efforts before I had a kid.
Now there is no escape.

These days my only consolation is that one day really will be the end.

********
People can say and think what they want, but I would challenge them to live through my life and come out differently. I don't think it's possible, not for lack of trying.

*******
Have compassion for things you don't understand,

Titanosaurus

Yesterday we went back to the museum of natural history to check out the new Titanosaurus.
He is huge.
So huge that he does not fit inside the HUUUGE room allocated for him.

We love the titanosaurus, and I hope he is a permanent addition to the museum's dinosaur family.