Tuesday Ramblings

1. Yesterday evening I removed my air conditioner.  It's just sitting inside on the window sill.  I'll wait a while and put it back but pulled in a few inches. My anxiety has subsided considerably.

2. Carey and I are starting a new project together! I'm very excited about it.  Last night we were texting and I was varnishing paintings.  She hasn't used her oils for a while but wants to....and she also loves varnishing.  I told her she should do an oil painting just so she could varnish it, and she agreed.... well anyhow it turned into a joint project, we are doing 10 paintings by the end of the month- theme and paintings to be shown together on Nov 30!

3. I'm trying to keep busy because all this being at home not seeing anyone is really getting to me.
My Will Weston class starts on Sunday as well.

4. I hope our country can keep the rest of any remaining shit it has together after today.

5. I previously mentioned I have been seeing a therapist but I think after this week I am going to stop.  It will be 9 weeks this Friday. 

I started because I needed teenage-parent communication perspective and assistance.  I believe I got that and things have been pretty good with me and Daya especially over the last 2 weeks. (I hope she thinks so too but I'm not going to ask.)  Last week I had nothing Daya-related to talk about. And I'm therapied-out on my own shit. I don't want to go digging in my past, I want to be in the present.

The other thing is..... this therapist is very insightful and is able to interpret dynamics very well, but.... she's also kind of a grumpy old lady.  A couple of times now her communication style has been a bit... harsh.  It's just her personality.  We have some similarities- both raised a kid alone, we both have three cats... so there's insight there and she does have wisdom but I really need.... gentle, in general. I'm tired of harsh.

She said something to me last week that pissed me off, to be honest. We were talking about how I have no family connections, and this circumstance which is very difficult and has deeply impacted Daya.  And how it is hard sometimes observing and listening to others' lives with their families. Because it really is.

She said I am making assumptions about other peoples' lives.

I am not.  I know full well people don't have perfect lives and everyone has their family shit.  But despite all that, people do still have and acknowledge each other. Their kids know their relatives. I hear about and observe families doing things together, visiting, celebrating events together, missing their families over this covid period..... maybe it's because I have a lot of exposure to families getting their kids through school, I don't know. You don't have to have "perfect" relationships with your family to have those connections.

So I really didn't appreciate her comment because it doesn't acknowledge my circumstance, which presents some very real challenges and issues and is definitely not stemming from making assumptions about others' lives. I think her intention was to get me thinking better about my own life but I am already able to do that...anyhow, it just doesn't sit well with me.

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This is where I need to know myself best.... I have been in too many dynamics before where if someone says something to me about me that I don't like, and I disagree, it has been put on me that the reason I don't like it is because I'm not seeing something they think I should see, or it's my "issue"/shortcoming I'm in denial over....ALL from the premise they know better than me so I should listen to them. 

The problem with this is it is deeply disempowering.

There's a real difference in someone helping/guiding with inner clarification and someone telling you what's what about yourself, with total disregard to your own inner guidance. (I'm not saying this therapist is necessarily doing that, it's just thoughts I'm having as I write this post.)

But I am tired of harsh.  I have had too much harsh from too many people over too many years.

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I'm also on vacation for the rest of all Fridays this year, and I don't want to have to be home.  I already asked and she doesn't have other appointment openings.

This was never meant to be long-term anyhow and I'm feeling the need for a break again.

6. Today I am expecting a box from Jerry's full of paint... all refills for plein airing!

This is my plein air palette minus the cobalt turquoise (PG50), which was backordered.
I set up an alert for when it would be back, and that alert came.... 10 minutes... after I placed my order.

This time I went with Lukas 1862 paint, it was on sale and I got the bulk discount.  This is very good paint at an excellent price. I'll use pretty much any artist-grade paint. I have a mix of brands, but sometimes it just comes down to price and if I'm buying enough for an even better discount.

7. HOWEVER last night I might have placed another Jerry's order while chatting with Carey, because there is a crazy-good sale on Centurion oil-primed linen panels! I got enough for our project plus more for plein airing.  Oil-primed linen, yay!!  I feel confident enough in my plein airing now that I'm ok with using nice oil primed linen.  And I also got my cobalt turquoise refills.