And I have been fighting almost constantly to get through. I don't mean fighting in the sense of conflict. It has been a real fight just to get through each day. There have been times when I literally have to take it second by second. Those seconds turn into minutes, which turn into hours, days, weeks, months.....years.
Ten years.
I have been fighting to get through alone now for almost ten years. I don't want to be alone but that's just how life turned out. I have no family support and no financial help. . I haven't met a man that I really connect with who also wants to move forward together. I'm completely winging it when it comes to parenting
This is just a statement of circumstance- I don't feel sorry for myself. Fighting alone for so long has made me very strong and has brought many lessons. But it is something I also have to be very conscious about, because it has engaged and honed the aggressive part of my personality. While I am a peaceful person in general and interpersonal conflict upsets me greatly (something I am overly sensitive to), I do have that sharp aggressive side. I have needed it, but I also have to be careful with it. It is my machete clearing a path through the jungle. It has worked well. I have had to fight through some really awful circumstances alone. And I have done well so far.
I fight my way through because I have no other choice. I am carrying a huge amount of weight and responsibility by myself. However, I feel a deep need for balance, which is really the whole point of this entry. By circumstance, I have had to be very yang.
What I need is the space and circumstance to be yin, to explore that more. The yin is something I do consciously honor and work with, but I want to experience it more predominately in my lifestyle, to live yin, if that makes any sense.
I am not sure how to do that.
This too will come. Then you will wonder at how time flies. I wish you peace.
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