Really = Wish
Really = Ask
Really = Intention
Really = Silence
topiary cats
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Go Away August
It's the last day of August (thank Goddess!) But it's not going without a fight, no--I still havent received my September metrocard. August ate it.
Add to the anti-August list the loan I paid off at the beginning of the month that still isn't reflectsd in the balance.
And I'm $400 short for rent.
Daya got a shot.
It's ok, September starts tomorrow and there's nothing August can do about it.
And I made my blog public again, not that anyone actually reads it.
UPDATE: Since August ate my metrocard in the mail, I now have to pay double in transportation for September. The commuter program can't replace it.
Add to the anti-August list the loan I paid off at the beginning of the month that still isn't reflectsd in the balance.
And I'm $400 short for rent.
Daya got a shot.
It's ok, September starts tomorrow and there's nothing August can do about it.
And I made my blog public again, not that anyone actually reads it.
UPDATE: Since August ate my metrocard in the mail, I now have to pay double in transportation for September. The commuter program can't replace it.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Pigeon Risk
I'm making preparations to skip right over August next year. And it occurred to me that I have to replace it with something else. As in my own month. A new month. So l decided to find out how August came into its sorry existence.
"August was named for Augustus Caesar, Julius Caesar’s nephew and heir. His name means Great Caesar (his original name was Octavius). It was originally named Sextilis, for it was the considered the sixth month of the year.
The Old English name for this time period was “Weod Monath,” or, the month of weeds. "
http://www.geocities.com/edgarbook/names/other/month.html
Weed Month. I like that, except if I invent Weed Month it would probably attract a bunch of stoners and I'm not into that.
Roget's Thesaurus lists these synonyms for Weed:
http://thesaurus.reference.com/search?q=weed&x=31&y=9
"August was named for Augustus Caesar, Julius Caesar’s nephew and heir. His name means Great Caesar (his original name was Octavius). It was originally named Sextilis, for it was the considered the sixth month of the year.
The Old English name for this time period was “Weod Monath,” or, the month of weeds. "
http://www.geocities.com/edgarbook/names/other/month.html
Weed Month. I like that, except if I invent Weed Month it would probably attract a bunch of stoners and I'm not into that.
Roget's Thesaurus lists these synonyms for Weed:
http://thesaurus.reference.com/search?q=weed&x=31&y=9
Let's take Ignore and Skip and look at anagrams.
Pigeon Risk is, so far, my favourite one.
So next year I'll skip August entirely and replace it wth the Pigeon Risk Time (PRT).
I feel better already.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Corn Horn
I had a white unicorn stuffed animal as a kid. My sister had a matching one, but the mane on hers was shorter, so that's how we told them apart. My sister gave her unicorn a very appropriate and fitting name: Beauty. Me? I named my unicorn Corn Horn. (Corn Horn was a boy unicorn.)
I was thinking about Corn Horn last night while I was practically begging Daya to please fall asleep already. Very often, Daya makes me think of how I was as a kid. I think it's important to remember that. I'm not talking about all the what happened to you as a child and stuff, I'm talking about remembering what it was like to see the world through a child's eyes and think like a kid. The flexibility and fearlessness. And the reasoning.
I remember I was very, very little sitting in a high chair, and a woman with red hair or wearing something brick-red (Aunt Barbara or Grandma Terry?) with a harsh voice was really trying to get me to eat something, and I didn't want to. I was thinking about that, remembering why I didnt't want to, but there was no other reason.
The other thing I think about a lot is Daya when she's old...like in her 60s or later. Theoretically, I might still be around when Daya is in her 60s, but then I might not be. I think about Daya being alive and me being gone, (when she's an adult) and how her life is like and what did she do when I passed on? Her world without me. When I change her diaper I think about how these days are so early, and won't even be thought of years and years from now by Daya and those around her. Daya will change so much, so quickly. Her needs from me will change. Growing up is so, so sad in many ways.
I was thinking about Corn Horn last night while I was practically begging Daya to please fall asleep already. Very often, Daya makes me think of how I was as a kid. I think it's important to remember that. I'm not talking about all the what happened to you as a child and stuff, I'm talking about remembering what it was like to see the world through a child's eyes and think like a kid. The flexibility and fearlessness. And the reasoning.
I remember I was very, very little sitting in a high chair, and a woman with red hair or wearing something brick-red (Aunt Barbara or Grandma Terry?) with a harsh voice was really trying to get me to eat something, and I didn't want to. I was thinking about that, remembering why I didnt't want to, but there was no other reason.
The other thing I think about a lot is Daya when she's old...like in her 60s or later. Theoretically, I might still be around when Daya is in her 60s, but then I might not be. I think about Daya being alive and me being gone, (when she's an adult) and how her life is like and what did she do when I passed on? Her world without me. When I change her diaper I think about how these days are so early, and won't even be thought of years and years from now by Daya and those around her. Daya will change so much, so quickly. Her needs from me will change. Growing up is so, so sad in many ways.
Monday, August 28, 2006
August Leaves Parting Gifts
How many more days in this ridiculous month?
So my student loan payments went up. By a lot. Which is why I am completely, irrationally BROKE for the next 2 weeks.
Am taking financial action. Must get that payment down again. I can't afford what they're taking out. Have lowered the marriage-debt payments by a little so that'll be nice. And tomorrow first thing I'm changing my tax witholding.
Money is, of course, tied right into most people's survival nerve. Unfortunately I still fall into that category as well, but I notice that when I have a mini "oh shit" money crisis, I think about Daya, not myself.
But almost ever day I think about how I make x amount of salary, and I live in this tiny tiny place just scraping by. Something is very wrong with that, I think.
Oh yeah, it's the child-with-no-financial-help thing. I got really angry at the ex on the way home. I let myself be there occasionally, but not to stay there.
Please bring on September already. I am skipping August next year.
So my student loan payments went up. By a lot. Which is why I am completely, irrationally BROKE for the next 2 weeks.
Am taking financial action. Must get that payment down again. I can't afford what they're taking out. Have lowered the marriage-debt payments by a little so that'll be nice. And tomorrow first thing I'm changing my tax witholding.
Money is, of course, tied right into most people's survival nerve. Unfortunately I still fall into that category as well, but I notice that when I have a mini "oh shit" money crisis, I think about Daya, not myself.
But almost ever day I think about how I make x amount of salary, and I live in this tiny tiny place just scraping by. Something is very wrong with that, I think.
Oh yeah, it's the child-with-no-financial-help thing. I got really angry at the ex on the way home. I let myself be there occasionally, but not to stay there.
Please bring on September already. I am skipping August next year.
Motherwort 1
So after my marathon conversation with my sister the other night I decided to start taking Motherwort. I have a lot of meditating to do, and hopefully with the season change I'll actually be able to do it. At least I have my focus.
I cannot feel Mother energy at all. Not one bit. There is a heaviness in my heart, like a brick is stuck in there or something.
This afternoon I brewed a nice strong cup of the bitter herb. I feel something, it's...odd. And subtle. I dont know how else to describe it. But I defeinitely felt someting about halfway through the first cup...it feels like it's in the background.
This blockage I actually feel as a strong physical sensation in my heart. It's unpleasant. I'd really like it to go away.
I'm more confused than ever about that certain thing. It just makes no sense. None at all. Very very frustrating.
Universe, I demand an explanation. (Please.)
Oh, I had a Bubble War with Daya the other day. It was fun. I missed how she used to blow bubbles. She has started up again, with full force.
And she waited until just after we got home last night to expel the biggest shit-storm I have ever seen. The kind where you put the child right in the bathtub with all their clothes on. I dont know how such a little person can hold so much shit. Seriously. Goddess was looking out for me, I got home in record time. That would have been a really, really, really bad thing to happen while in transit.
And I have still never been pooped on, peed on, or puked on. Daya rocks.
I cannot feel Mother energy at all. Not one bit. There is a heaviness in my heart, like a brick is stuck in there or something.
This afternoon I brewed a nice strong cup of the bitter herb. I feel something, it's...odd. And subtle. I dont know how else to describe it. But I defeinitely felt someting about halfway through the first cup...it feels like it's in the background.
This blockage I actually feel as a strong physical sensation in my heart. It's unpleasant. I'd really like it to go away.
I'm more confused than ever about that certain thing. It just makes no sense. None at all. Very very frustrating.
Universe, I demand an explanation. (Please.)
Oh, I had a Bubble War with Daya the other day. It was fun. I missed how she used to blow bubbles. She has started up again, with full force.
And she waited until just after we got home last night to expel the biggest shit-storm I have ever seen. The kind where you put the child right in the bathtub with all their clothes on. I dont know how such a little person can hold so much shit. Seriously. Goddess was looking out for me, I got home in record time. That would have been a really, really, really bad thing to happen while in transit.
And I have still never been pooped on, peed on, or puked on. Daya rocks.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
The Mother Post
One of the good things about having a child (daughter) is that is really makes me look at some deep mother issues. What a trite and tiresome thing to go through, but now that I've made this blog non-public I can be as self-indulgent as I want without thinking that someone else is reading it. I feel better with this space being between me and goddess.
I never wanted kids. I never had the biological clock thing, the thing inside that so many women seem to have, the instinct to have a baby. I never had it. I still don't. I adore Daya, I definitely have a mom instinct, and I don't have regrets, but I still often have moments where I miss having childfree freedom. I miss not having someone to consistently be concerned about, someone so close tht it would shatter your heart if anything bad should happen to them, I miss relative financial freedom. If there was no child born of my sham marriage, I would be in a very good situation financially.....kids are expensive. Especially when there is no help. I wouldn't regret not having a child, that's the truth of it.
I don't know how to be a mom. I know how to provide for my child and meet her needs, I usually know what's bothering her and what she wants, but I don't really know how to play with her, interact with her, talk to her, stuff like that.
My mother was a dismal failure when it came to fostering a good relationship with her children, yesterday and today. But she was a good provider, we had a nice house and food. It was stable as far as having a place to live was concerned. What went on in that house is another story, but even between me and goddess I can't go into one of those woe is me for my childhood episodes. I'm long past that.
The point of this s that I don't know how to relate to being a mother. My heart is blocked off from my own mother, and has been since I was at least 15, long before that, even. For as long as I can remember, I have never wanted to show self-expression, any part of who I am and how I feel, in front of my mother. I still don't. Part of my heart literally feels closed off. I'm not sure how to access that blocked part. I feel it carrying over into my relationship with Daya. I don't know how to be a mother.
I love my child but I wonder if there is somethig wrong with me, am I not relating to it the way other women seem to? How much of it is my issues and how much is my circumstance? I really don't know.
Will Daya stay as happy as she is right now? Will she have sub-conscious issues because she was weaned early? Because she's been holding her own bottle since how long? Is she already too independent of me, did I force that on her too soon? I rarely hold her when I feed her, and it's been like that for a while. I hold her lots of other times though, and always when she wants to be picked up. Last week I put her in bed with me, because I missed co-sleeping, but Daya managed to take up the middle of the bed, leaving no room for me, and slept soundly while I stayed awake.
When I was in love with the ex, it felt...different. Like love overpouring all the time. I don't feel that heart energy anymore. aren't women supposed to be "in love" with their kids? How much is that my blockage and how much is it because of what I went through that drained the emotion out of me?
I don't feel a warmth in my heart when it comes to being a mom. I don't know how to relate to myself as being a mom. I feel a block......a heaviness. I'm tired. I don't know anything about kids. I don't have any help. I don't want Daya to grow up hating me.
What I know is that my energy reserves were never replaced. I had no energy to feel anything by the time Daya was born. I feel like I missed the experience. There was nothing left inside me to feel much of anything. This year has been an uphill walk all the way. I feel like a mule.
My taste of motherhood has not been a positive experience, though the child herself is wonderful. And isn't that suppsed to make the experience good? Why isn't it?
I don't want my child to be "someone I have to take care of"...I want to have a strong, good relationsho with her, I want to feel more of the joy of motherhood that others experience. Is something wrong with me? Do I just not have that intrinsic female part?
This mother thing is a strange journey. I must have many lessons to learn from it.
I always wanted a partner, a man to love and be loved by. But I find myself alone, wth a child.
I always seem to find myelf alone, doing everything alone, taking care of everything alone. It's hard, I am different than most of the people around me. I am not into the things they are into, I dont think the way they do, believe what they believe. I have been exposed to and know things they never think about, or at best wonder about. I have answers to questions most regard as mystery at best. I have found my spiritual truths and understandings, I got the answers to my questions. Where will my spiritual growth go next? I have so much spiritual understanding, in a way, and I find myself once again re-discovering how to relate to goddess and not being sure anymore. My thoughts are not the thoughts of those around me. It's lonely. I thought I found a like-minded person, really was sure of it, but it didnt pan out.
And I don't think I even believe in marriage anymore. Marriage isn't about love, it is a financial contract, that's the truth of it. Don't mix love and money. It's harder to get divorced than it is to marry. I don't want to be married. A boyfriend would be nice though, I think I'd like that.
I'm glad Daya is a girl. Sometimes I think having her around is my saving grace.
But I don't know how to replenish my mana, as it might be referred to in an RPG game. Health high, mana low.
Where can I find the Goddess? Within? Where is She?
I never wanted kids. I never had the biological clock thing, the thing inside that so many women seem to have, the instinct to have a baby. I never had it. I still don't. I adore Daya, I definitely have a mom instinct, and I don't have regrets, but I still often have moments where I miss having childfree freedom. I miss not having someone to consistently be concerned about, someone so close tht it would shatter your heart if anything bad should happen to them, I miss relative financial freedom. If there was no child born of my sham marriage, I would be in a very good situation financially.....kids are expensive. Especially when there is no help. I wouldn't regret not having a child, that's the truth of it.
I don't know how to be a mom. I know how to provide for my child and meet her needs, I usually know what's bothering her and what she wants, but I don't really know how to play with her, interact with her, talk to her, stuff like that.
My mother was a dismal failure when it came to fostering a good relationship with her children, yesterday and today. But she was a good provider, we had a nice house and food. It was stable as far as having a place to live was concerned. What went on in that house is another story, but even between me and goddess I can't go into one of those woe is me for my childhood episodes. I'm long past that.
The point of this s that I don't know how to relate to being a mother. My heart is blocked off from my own mother, and has been since I was at least 15, long before that, even. For as long as I can remember, I have never wanted to show self-expression, any part of who I am and how I feel, in front of my mother. I still don't. Part of my heart literally feels closed off. I'm not sure how to access that blocked part. I feel it carrying over into my relationship with Daya. I don't know how to be a mother.
I love my child but I wonder if there is somethig wrong with me, am I not relating to it the way other women seem to? How much of it is my issues and how much is my circumstance? I really don't know.
Will Daya stay as happy as she is right now? Will she have sub-conscious issues because she was weaned early? Because she's been holding her own bottle since how long? Is she already too independent of me, did I force that on her too soon? I rarely hold her when I feed her, and it's been like that for a while. I hold her lots of other times though, and always when she wants to be picked up. Last week I put her in bed with me, because I missed co-sleeping, but Daya managed to take up the middle of the bed, leaving no room for me, and slept soundly while I stayed awake.
When I was in love with the ex, it felt...different. Like love overpouring all the time. I don't feel that heart energy anymore. aren't women supposed to be "in love" with their kids? How much is that my blockage and how much is it because of what I went through that drained the emotion out of me?
I don't feel a warmth in my heart when it comes to being a mom. I don't know how to relate to myself as being a mom. I feel a block......a heaviness. I'm tired. I don't know anything about kids. I don't have any help. I don't want Daya to grow up hating me.
What I know is that my energy reserves were never replaced. I had no energy to feel anything by the time Daya was born. I feel like I missed the experience. There was nothing left inside me to feel much of anything. This year has been an uphill walk all the way. I feel like a mule.
My taste of motherhood has not been a positive experience, though the child herself is wonderful. And isn't that suppsed to make the experience good? Why isn't it?
I don't want my child to be "someone I have to take care of"...I want to have a strong, good relationsho with her, I want to feel more of the joy of motherhood that others experience. Is something wrong with me? Do I just not have that intrinsic female part?
This mother thing is a strange journey. I must have many lessons to learn from it.
I always wanted a partner, a man to love and be loved by. But I find myself alone, wth a child.
I always seem to find myelf alone, doing everything alone, taking care of everything alone. It's hard, I am different than most of the people around me. I am not into the things they are into, I dont think the way they do, believe what they believe. I have been exposed to and know things they never think about, or at best wonder about. I have answers to questions most regard as mystery at best. I have found my spiritual truths and understandings, I got the answers to my questions. Where will my spiritual growth go next? I have so much spiritual understanding, in a way, and I find myself once again re-discovering how to relate to goddess and not being sure anymore. My thoughts are not the thoughts of those around me. It's lonely. I thought I found a like-minded person, really was sure of it, but it didnt pan out.
And I don't think I even believe in marriage anymore. Marriage isn't about love, it is a financial contract, that's the truth of it. Don't mix love and money. It's harder to get divorced than it is to marry. I don't want to be married. A boyfriend would be nice though, I think I'd like that.
I'm glad Daya is a girl. Sometimes I think having her around is my saving grace.
But I don't know how to replenish my mana, as it might be referred to in an RPG game. Health high, mana low.
Where can I find the Goddess? Within? Where is She?
Still August
What a strange month. Time is moving so slowly. I'm in a limbo, trying to sort out where I am in relation to some stuff. Things I believe, things I don't. Things I'm dropping. Things I'm keeping.
I have just realized that despite what .... told me, I have no clue where my life is going. Maybe everything changed. I don't know. And while what .... said was wonderful, I'm not attached to it. Honestly, I don't feel much of anything. I'm too focused on just doing what I have to do.
Something's wrong, I think, but I don't know how to fix it. Or maybe nothing's wrong and I shouldn't even worry about it.
I have just realized that despite what .... told me, I have no clue where my life is going. Maybe everything changed. I don't know. And while what .... said was wonderful, I'm not attached to it. Honestly, I don't feel much of anything. I'm too focused on just doing what I have to do.
Something's wrong, I think, but I don't know how to fix it. Or maybe nothing's wrong and I shouldn't even worry about it.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Burn Out
I'm running on empty. I never rested at all since everything happened. The problem is that I have such a high stress threshold that I dont realize there is a problem until its at point critical.
So next week I have three days of vacation. I'm getting a massage. After I go to family court to get a stupid paper.......
*sighs* and there's another dissapearance.....but I guess I shouldnt worry about it.
So next week I have three days of vacation. I'm getting a massage. After I go to family court to get a stupid paper.......
*sighs* and there's another dissapearance.....but I guess I shouldnt worry about it.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
I Hate August
Traditionally, this is always a bad month for me. Maybe I should stop thinking that, and it will change. But I'm just not in the mood.
The month is 8 days old and here's what's happened so far:
*Depressing news about something I've been working on.
*That disgusting heat wave.
*Defective 30 day metrocard...now I'm paying double transportation until a replacement/refund.
*UPS. There is nothing good to say about them right now.
*I sprained my toe this morning, it hurts a lot and there's not a damn thing to do about it.
*Disappearance of an important paper, meaning I have to go to Family Court over my vacation next week.
*Found out 2 close friends have/are moving out of the country.
*This entire month will be...err...a delicate financial balancing act.
Oh I guess I should stop it, things could be a lot worse. But I'm hardly ever in a bad mood, and I rarely complain, so I deserve time to bitch once and a while.
The month is 8 days old and here's what's happened so far:
*Depressing news about something I've been working on.
*That disgusting heat wave.
*Defective 30 day metrocard...now I'm paying double transportation until a replacement/refund.
*UPS. There is nothing good to say about them right now.
*I sprained my toe this morning, it hurts a lot and there's not a damn thing to do about it.
*Disappearance of an important paper, meaning I have to go to Family Court over my vacation next week.
*Found out 2 close friends have/are moving out of the country.
*This entire month will be...err...a delicate financial balancing act.
Oh I guess I should stop it, things could be a lot worse. But I'm hardly ever in a bad mood, and I rarely complain, so I deserve time to bitch once and a while.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Keep Reminding Me
Men visst eg veit ein morgon renn
då dødens natt skal enda
Min lekam opp or gravi stend
og evig fryd får kjenna
då dødens natt skal enda
Min lekam opp or gravi stend
og evig fryd får kjenna
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
A Woman
My friend sent me this, and I think it's beautiful.
This is from the Talmud:
"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears.
The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on.
Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal.
Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."
While I don't subscribe to the restrictions of religions, especially patriarchial male-dominated ones, and the coming from the rib thing is pure nonsense, the message here is really, really beautiful and so, so true.
This is from the Talmud:
"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears.
The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on.
Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal.
Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."
While I don't subscribe to the restrictions of religions, especially patriarchial male-dominated ones, and the coming from the rib thing is pure nonsense, the message here is really, really beautiful and so, so true.
I am such a geek
This is a pathetic confession.
The other night, I saw a link somewhere to take some grammar quiz. Because I truly do love grammar quizzes, (I am a geek) I had to take it.
At the end of the quiz I was asked if I am gay, straight, or bi. Did I even question "Why am I being asked that for a grammar thing?" No! I was too focused on getting my results.
Turns out the quiz was on an online dating site, which I have no interest in whatsoever, and I ended up having to spam-block them.
But I aced the quiz. Go me.
:)
The other night, I saw a link somewhere to take some grammar quiz. Because I truly do love grammar quizzes, (I am a geek) I had to take it.
At the end of the quiz I was asked if I am gay, straight, or bi. Did I even question "Why am I being asked that for a grammar thing?" No! I was too focused on getting my results.
Turns out the quiz was on an online dating site, which I have no interest in whatsoever, and I ended up having to spam-block them.
But I aced the quiz. Go me.
:)
Steam Room Musings
Time left 3XSQ: 11:38am
Time returned: 12:50pm
Not too bad. In the midst of the heat wave, I can be found in the pool, then in the steam room.
I've been going to the same gym for the last 5 years. Sometimes there will be a bit of a time gap between visits, but I always go back and resume a fairly regular schedule. That gym is the one place that has remained consistent for me these years, as I have gone through some intense life stages. My oasis of familiarity, in a bizarre way. It's a bit surreal being there, remembering the thoughts I used to think in the shower, where I would be going after leaving the gym, how I have changed and circumstance around me has changed, even how my body has changed.
Now its time to visit the gym again for another life stage and add a new set of Shower Thoughts.
Note to self: please remember your hair brush next time.
Time returned: 12:50pm
Not too bad. In the midst of the heat wave, I can be found in the pool, then in the steam room.
I've been going to the same gym for the last 5 years. Sometimes there will be a bit of a time gap between visits, but I always go back and resume a fairly regular schedule. That gym is the one place that has remained consistent for me these years, as I have gone through some intense life stages. My oasis of familiarity, in a bizarre way. It's a bit surreal being there, remembering the thoughts I used to think in the shower, where I would be going after leaving the gym, how I have changed and circumstance around me has changed, even how my body has changed.
Now its time to visit the gym again for another life stage and add a new set of Shower Thoughts.
Note to self: please remember your hair brush next time.
Monday, July 17, 2006
A Solitary Blue
Things have been slow, I have an internal heaviness that is difficult to overcome at times.
Perhaps it's the heat, perhaps it's something else. I try not to think about this time last year.
Mostly, I think it's because I am so, so tired inside.
This too shall pass.
Perhaps it's the heat, perhaps it's something else. I try not to think about this time last year.
Mostly, I think it's because I am so, so tired inside.
This too shall pass.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Friday, July 14, 2006
Normal is Relative and Probably Boring
Are You Normal?
Your Normalcy Quotient is: 29 out of 100. Your quiz results make you a Marvelous Maverick. You're a maverick and don't know what the definition of normal is. That's okay because you're now part of a fascinating group of desperadoes. Wherever you ride, it's sure to be off the beaten path because it's way more fun to find the path least traveled.
www.chatterbean.com/runormal/
HAHA.
Your Normalcy Quotient is: 29 out of 100. Your quiz results make you a Marvelous Maverick. You're a maverick and don't know what the definition of normal is. That's okay because you're now part of a fascinating group of desperadoes. Wherever you ride, it's sure to be off the beaten path because it's way more fun to find the path least traveled.
www.chatterbean.com/runormal/
HAHA.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
You're Cute, I Love You
My friend Yumiko lives in Japan. She has a little daughter named Miu.
Today, I got a wonderful email from them. Miu's favourite things to say are "You're cute" and "I love you".
She also sent me some wonderful drawings. (Miu loves Halloween, and the movie Nightmare Before Christmas.)
That email made me happy.
Today, I got a wonderful email from them. Miu's favourite things to say are "You're cute" and "I love you".
She also sent me some wonderful drawings. (Miu loves Halloween, and the movie Nightmare Before Christmas.)
That email made me happy.
Rat Memorial Vol 1
I used to keep rats. I miss them a lot. My cat never understood why I would keep rats when I had her. Now and then, the rats would inspire some poetry.
Haiku between the rats and cat:
I don't get it- Why?
Must they stay here for always?
My tail's much better
*Heee heeee heeee heeee heeee
*We're here nothing you can do!
*We don't like your tail
These rat creatures, they
make lots of noise and don't sleep
as much as they should
*Life is for living
*Lazy good-for-nothing cat
*You don't have a clue
Hey! Put that rat down!
I want to play it's my turn
Rats won't play with me
*Cat you'd better go
*and clean your fur or something
*Your play's not our play
Better than window
I can mess with them all day
with unmoving stare
*OOH it gets our nerves
*Bloody cat with glinty eyes
*You still can't reach us!
I am much cuter
I have style finess and grace
I don't fall off shelves
*You stuck-up cat you
*We saw when you fell off bed
*We are still laughing!
Haiku between the rats and cat:
I don't get it- Why?
Must they stay here for always?
My tail's much better
*Heee heeee heeee heeee heeee
*We're here nothing you can do!
*We don't like your tail
These rat creatures, they
make lots of noise and don't sleep
as much as they should
*Life is for living
*Lazy good-for-nothing cat
*You don't have a clue
Hey! Put that rat down!
I want to play it's my turn
Rats won't play with me
*Cat you'd better go
*and clean your fur or something
*Your play's not our play
Better than window
I can mess with them all day
with unmoving stare
*OOH it gets our nerves
*Bloody cat with glinty eyes
*You still can't reach us!
I am much cuter
I have style finess and grace
I don't fall off shelves
*You stuck-up cat you
*We saw when you fell off bed
*We are still laughing!
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Dear God
Dear God,
I'm not perfect, but I'm a decent person. I've given a lot to people: time, energy, and money without asking for anything in return.
I am requesting a refund for certain large amounts of energy that turned out to be for something that was defective but I did not know it was defective. So I please need all that energy refunded to me.
Anyhow, I would please like this refund of energy in the form of a large sum of cash. Immediately, or as soon as possible would be really great, via a means that does not harm anyone in any way. That would be really fabulous.
I deserve this refund because I am part of You and I do good things. I am eternal, immortal, universal and infinite, and fun to be around most of the time. My capacity for abundance is unlimited.
Thanks for the amazing things You've done for me so far, they are all appreciated, even the things I don't know about or haven't happened yet. (But I have to ask what's up with that one thing?? You know which one...) Oh, and thank you so much that Daya wasn't twins. (Do I thank You for that too often?)
You're the best.
Love and kisses,
J
I'm not perfect, but I'm a decent person. I've given a lot to people: time, energy, and money without asking for anything in return.
I am requesting a refund for certain large amounts of energy that turned out to be for something that was defective but I did not know it was defective. So I please need all that energy refunded to me.
Anyhow, I would please like this refund of energy in the form of a large sum of cash. Immediately, or as soon as possible would be really great, via a means that does not harm anyone in any way. That would be really fabulous.
I deserve this refund because I am part of You and I do good things. I am eternal, immortal, universal and infinite, and fun to be around most of the time. My capacity for abundance is unlimited.
Thanks for the amazing things You've done for me so far, they are all appreciated, even the things I don't know about or haven't happened yet. (But I have to ask what's up with that one thing?? You know which one...) Oh, and thank you so much that Daya wasn't twins. (Do I thank You for that too often?)
You're the best.
Love and kisses,
J
Comparisons
I find myself doing this, maybe its a little negative but I can't help it sometimes.
I find myself comparing my situation to other single moms. Especially, I find myself listing the things they have that I don't. For example:
-Child support/financial help**
-Family close by that helps out
-A car
-A dwelling where the child has their own room
But I also count my own blessings. I have:
-A (tiny) roof over my head. Not a great one, and I pay way too much rent for what I've got, but it's something
-A good job that I actually like and am good at with room for growth
-My health and relative sanity
-The capacity to financially support us, without any help
-A stable environment for the child
-Gratitude that I had the strength and resources to get the hell out
See? My blessings list is longer. That's good.
I do generally keep a positive mindset, I don't like feeling sorry for myself, and I really don't believe in being a victim. I do believe in taking responsibility for my choices. Some days are really hard, but I get through it.
Also, I know nothing about babies. In fact, mine is the only one I've ever been around. I never even played with dolls as a kid, I was much too busy playing in the dirt outside and having sword fights with my sister. And drawing. So if I'm really messing things up, I haven't got a clue that's what I'm doing. But the child is happy, and healthy, so I guess its ok. I'll try and screw her up as little as possible.
**I get a pathetic amount monthly in child support that doesn't even cover the cost of a month's worth of formula. I spend monthly on the child, on average, 12 times what I get in child support. And that's just for basic necessities and the babysitter. It was worth the trade-off, though, in getting him deported. Totally and completely worth it.
I find myself comparing my situation to other single moms. Especially, I find myself listing the things they have that I don't. For example:
-Child support/financial help**
-Family close by that helps out
-A car
-A dwelling where the child has their own room
But I also count my own blessings. I have:
-A (tiny) roof over my head. Not a great one, and I pay way too much rent for what I've got, but it's something
-A good job that I actually like and am good at with room for growth
-My health and relative sanity
-The capacity to financially support us, without any help
-A stable environment for the child
-Gratitude that I had the strength and resources to get the hell out
See? My blessings list is longer. That's good.
I do generally keep a positive mindset, I don't like feeling sorry for myself, and I really don't believe in being a victim. I do believe in taking responsibility for my choices. Some days are really hard, but I get through it.
Also, I know nothing about babies. In fact, mine is the only one I've ever been around. I never even played with dolls as a kid, I was much too busy playing in the dirt outside and having sword fights with my sister. And drawing. So if I'm really messing things up, I haven't got a clue that's what I'm doing. But the child is happy, and healthy, so I guess its ok. I'll try and screw her up as little as possible.
**I get a pathetic amount monthly in child support that doesn't even cover the cost of a month's worth of formula. I spend monthly on the child, on average, 12 times what I get in child support. And that's just for basic necessities and the babysitter. It was worth the trade-off, though, in getting him deported. Totally and completely worth it.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Marriage
The very first thing I noticed about him and saw was his Gift. It flared around him like a brilliant light. I never dreamed he was actively mis-using it.
There are so many things I should have seen at the time, I just didn't have the knowledge or experience to put the pieces together. Or I didn't want to. And, I'm not trying to make excuses here but I was fogged to separate me from my own native internal intuition and knowing. I confronted him on it, he even admitted it openly, that he closed down my intuitive gifts. Said it was for my "protection". Huh?
I did get the internal warnings, though, at the milestones of the relationship. I just chose to ignore them. The things that didn't make sense, I just let them go. In June 2004, exactly one year before the shit hit the fan, I picked up the resonance of what was to happen and was quite disturbed for a while. Though I didn't know that's what it was, I can only see it looking back. I remember I had just gotten a nice large chunk of Stapelia Gigantea, and I went out after work to get a larger pot to put it in. The apartment was sunny, everything was ok, and I felt like the bottom had dropped out from my world, yet I had no context in which to place these feelings.
(Incidentally, my wonderful plant didn't survive my trauma. It was the only one I lost, and there was no physical reason for it to die. It just stopped growing and died. I miss it. )
But I digress.
To paraphrase, he said:
1.
A. The spiritual path is a straight path, the path of darkness winds like a snake crawls.
B. No matter what you see, walk straight. I'll veer away but will always come back. Don't try to follow, just keep walking straight.
Hmmmmmmm.
2.
A. Marriage is the highest expression of human love.
B. When you get married, everything becomes obligation.
Hmmmmmmm.
3.
A. Forever and Always.
B. You stay in relationships until you don't want to anymore.
Hmmmmmmm.
4.
A. I still love you.
B. I can change in a split second.
HMMMMMMM.
5.
A. I'll never be with anyone else but you. I have to be with you.
B. If I ever cheated on you, you'd take me back but it wouldn't be the same.
(To which I replied, "No, I wouldn't take you back." He obviously didn't take note of or believe my reaction.)
HMMMMMM.
At the end of it all, I said:
"Do you have any idea how much you've hurt me?"
He said:
"I don't gve a shit."
*************
The other month I was waiting at the bus stop and a woman started complimenting me on Daya.
She told me how her daughter was in a relationship and had been for 7 years, it was going well. She wanted them to get married, for the security. I told her that marriage is no guarantee for security; my husband bailed when I was 4 months pregnant.
Better to keep the relationship and have the partnership, than to force marriage for the sake of marriage.
She then agreed.
**************
There are two aspects to a marriage: the love/emotion part and the economic/legal part. That's a pretty volatile combination. When it works, I mean really works, it's magnificent. My Dad and Stepmom have a marriage like that.
Ideally, marriage should be a partnership of two people who are best friends and partners in all aspects of life. People who love each other enough to be committed, who are secure enough in themselves to let their partner be who they are without trying to control them or infringe on them. They are not trying to prove their love by being carbon-copies of each other. They are both strong enough and supportive enough of each other to get through the rough spots as allies, not advesaries. They take strength in each other. They trust each other. They are honest with each other. They respect each other enough to be able to disagree without hostility. They realize it doesn't have to be perfect, and that's ok.
I'd much rather be alone than be in a bad relationship.
There are so many things I should have seen at the time, I just didn't have the knowledge or experience to put the pieces together. Or I didn't want to. And, I'm not trying to make excuses here but I was fogged to separate me from my own native internal intuition and knowing. I confronted him on it, he even admitted it openly, that he closed down my intuitive gifts. Said it was for my "protection". Huh?
I did get the internal warnings, though, at the milestones of the relationship. I just chose to ignore them. The things that didn't make sense, I just let them go. In June 2004, exactly one year before the shit hit the fan, I picked up the resonance of what was to happen and was quite disturbed for a while. Though I didn't know that's what it was, I can only see it looking back. I remember I had just gotten a nice large chunk of Stapelia Gigantea, and I went out after work to get a larger pot to put it in. The apartment was sunny, everything was ok, and I felt like the bottom had dropped out from my world, yet I had no context in which to place these feelings.
(Incidentally, my wonderful plant didn't survive my trauma. It was the only one I lost, and there was no physical reason for it to die. It just stopped growing and died. I miss it. )
But I digress.
To paraphrase, he said:
1.
A. The spiritual path is a straight path, the path of darkness winds like a snake crawls.
B. No matter what you see, walk straight. I'll veer away but will always come back. Don't try to follow, just keep walking straight.
Hmmmmmmm.
2.
A. Marriage is the highest expression of human love.
B. When you get married, everything becomes obligation.
Hmmmmmmm.
3.
A. Forever and Always.
B. You stay in relationships until you don't want to anymore.
Hmmmmmmm.
4.
A. I still love you.
B. I can change in a split second.
HMMMMMMM.
5.
A. I'll never be with anyone else but you. I have to be with you.
B. If I ever cheated on you, you'd take me back but it wouldn't be the same.
(To which I replied, "No, I wouldn't take you back." He obviously didn't take note of or believe my reaction.)
HMMMMMM.
At the end of it all, I said:
"Do you have any idea how much you've hurt me?"
He said:
"I don't gve a shit."
*************
The other month I was waiting at the bus stop and a woman started complimenting me on Daya.
She told me how her daughter was in a relationship and had been for 7 years, it was going well. She wanted them to get married, for the security. I told her that marriage is no guarantee for security; my husband bailed when I was 4 months pregnant.
Better to keep the relationship and have the partnership, than to force marriage for the sake of marriage.
She then agreed.
**************
There are two aspects to a marriage: the love/emotion part and the economic/legal part. That's a pretty volatile combination. When it works, I mean really works, it's magnificent. My Dad and Stepmom have a marriage like that.
Ideally, marriage should be a partnership of two people who are best friends and partners in all aspects of life. People who love each other enough to be committed, who are secure enough in themselves to let their partner be who they are without trying to control them or infringe on them. They are not trying to prove their love by being carbon-copies of each other. They are both strong enough and supportive enough of each other to get through the rough spots as allies, not advesaries. They take strength in each other. They trust each other. They are honest with each other. They respect each other enough to be able to disagree without hostility. They realize it doesn't have to be perfect, and that's ok.
I'd much rather be alone than be in a bad relationship.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Spirit-World PTSD: The Fear
I've been pondering all day what the heck this morning was all about. I think I mght know. It's sorta something I knew already but wasn't looking at directly.
If I'm wrong, I don't really care because the conclusion I've come to is very helpful and necessary, I think. But I don't think I'm wrong. I've been thinking about it anyhow lately, under the surface of my thoughts. It makes sense.
See, the first thing I have to really look at is the answer to this question: I've been completely fascinated with OBE and astral projection for the last, oh, 12 years or so. At various points in my life I have regularly practiced various meditations to get out. I've been out a few times consciously, but I cannot project at will and I have problems with it. Why? The real honest answer to why?
I'm chickenshit, that's why.
In my defense, I have very good reason to be chickenshit about it. I have seen and experienced some very scary stuff. At this point, though, I think it's immobilizing me from moving forward.
Every single time I have gone through my "spiritual classroom" so to speak, it's turned out to be that what I thought at first was good was actually very, very not-good. It's happened twice in a row, and both times were very scary and traumatic. I thought I knew better after the first time, but nope. I don't regret it because I learned a hell of a lot, and the second time I was fogged and by the time I realized it, it was too late...the first time I just didn't know any better. Well, the second time I also didn't know any better. But I needed to not know better in order to know better, so its ok.
I'm finding that I hold two opposites within myself: this amazing infinity of bliss and love, it is completely beyond words, and a very deep darkness of fear.
Stuie talks about the fear, in an interview he was asked how does one overcome this fear? His answer is that you don't- you just keep going. And Stuie has been through some very scary stuff too, that I don't even begin to know. That's what I love about him- he speaks very honestly about the fear, and the lonliness. I love Stu, one day I will meet him in person, when the time is right.
Wayne says that if we knew what walked beside and around us at all times, we'd never fear anything.
I think I have to work on the courage thing. I know I'll have help, that is very comforting.
If I'm wrong, I don't really care because the conclusion I've come to is very helpful and necessary, I think. But I don't think I'm wrong. I've been thinking about it anyhow lately, under the surface of my thoughts. It makes sense.
See, the first thing I have to really look at is the answer to this question: I've been completely fascinated with OBE and astral projection for the last, oh, 12 years or so. At various points in my life I have regularly practiced various meditations to get out. I've been out a few times consciously, but I cannot project at will and I have problems with it. Why? The real honest answer to why?
I'm chickenshit, that's why.
In my defense, I have very good reason to be chickenshit about it. I have seen and experienced some very scary stuff. At this point, though, I think it's immobilizing me from moving forward.
Every single time I have gone through my "spiritual classroom" so to speak, it's turned out to be that what I thought at first was good was actually very, very not-good. It's happened twice in a row, and both times were very scary and traumatic. I thought I knew better after the first time, but nope. I don't regret it because I learned a hell of a lot, and the second time I was fogged and by the time I realized it, it was too late...the first time I just didn't know any better. Well, the second time I also didn't know any better. But I needed to not know better in order to know better, so its ok.
I'm finding that I hold two opposites within myself: this amazing infinity of bliss and love, it is completely beyond words, and a very deep darkness of fear.
Stuie talks about the fear, in an interview he was asked how does one overcome this fear? His answer is that you don't- you just keep going. And Stuie has been through some very scary stuff too, that I don't even begin to know. That's what I love about him- he speaks very honestly about the fear, and the lonliness. I love Stu, one day I will meet him in person, when the time is right.
Wayne says that if we knew what walked beside and around us at all times, we'd never fear anything.
I think I have to work on the courage thing. I know I'll have help, that is very comforting.
Keys
If you believe in the magic, nothing can stand in your way
I am your dream
I am the Light you will be
And I will set you free
Come follow me, follow me
-cecilia
The world needs more people who really, truly believe in Unicorns.
"Truly I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven."
I am your dream
I am the Light you will be
And I will set you free
Come follow me, follow me
-cecilia
The world needs more people who really, truly believe in Unicorns.
"Truly I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven."
Chickenman Hold My Hand
The 3am hour is always the one where stuff happens.
I was in a place that looked like the house in GA, with a woman who was a friend. There was a dead woman who wanted to see me, she gave her name as Jody Serota (someone I know and trust to be benign and of Light). Jody said I needed something. (Some other guy named Chris H... did too, but I don't know him and never saw him.) The woman I was with was going to take me to see Jody, who stayed in dead caverns off to the side of the house, but it wasn't a physical dimension. I was creeped out because, well, Jody was dead. She just wasn't actng like it.
Anyhow, aside from being scared, I didn't get the "bad" feeling I get with other entities I sometimes encounter. It was a friendly and beneficial sort of environment. Nevertheless, I was creeped out and delayed seeing Jody. I wish I wasn't scared. I went to the kitchen to get something, and I felt her before I saw her.
I saw her for a split instant, she was tall, pale, with short straight black hair and black areas for eyes. I was immediately turned facing away from her and she put her hands on my arms. I saw what looked like upside-down lightening, it felt like many volts of electricity going through my body. Her touch was very unpleasant, and I was really scared even though I knew she did not mean me harm and was there to help. I just kept thinking about her being dead.
I don't know if she did what she had to do, or if I was too freaked out to get what I was supposed to get- at any rate I was very gently put back inside my body, and I woke up gradually and without shock. Time was 4:06am.
Unlike other "encounters" I've had, I felt fine afterwards and I didn't have that creeped-out feeling at all, and no after-shock. So I know she was benign, and I wish I wasn't so scared and could stick around and see what it was all about. I think I still have "Spirit-World PTSD" from that time period a few years back. And from last summer, let's not forget that.
************************
On the way to work this morning I was sitting at the front of the bus; someone had written "Dead Girl" on the back of the truck in front of me.
On the way to work, at Liberty Ave there was a large dead cat in the middle of the road. (That made me really, really sad. I don't like things like that.)
Update 9:53 am- R--- just stopped me in the hall to mention the movie Sixth Sense, which he just saw, he thought it was scary. I was waiting for the third thing.
************************
Wish I knew what the hell it all means.
I was in a place that looked like the house in GA, with a woman who was a friend. There was a dead woman who wanted to see me, she gave her name as Jody Serota (someone I know and trust to be benign and of Light). Jody said I needed something. (Some other guy named Chris H... did too, but I don't know him and never saw him.) The woman I was with was going to take me to see Jody, who stayed in dead caverns off to the side of the house, but it wasn't a physical dimension. I was creeped out because, well, Jody was dead. She just wasn't actng like it.
Anyhow, aside from being scared, I didn't get the "bad" feeling I get with other entities I sometimes encounter. It was a friendly and beneficial sort of environment. Nevertheless, I was creeped out and delayed seeing Jody. I wish I wasn't scared. I went to the kitchen to get something, and I felt her before I saw her.
I saw her for a split instant, she was tall, pale, with short straight black hair and black areas for eyes. I was immediately turned facing away from her and she put her hands on my arms. I saw what looked like upside-down lightening, it felt like many volts of electricity going through my body. Her touch was very unpleasant, and I was really scared even though I knew she did not mean me harm and was there to help. I just kept thinking about her being dead.
I don't know if she did what she had to do, or if I was too freaked out to get what I was supposed to get- at any rate I was very gently put back inside my body, and I woke up gradually and without shock. Time was 4:06am.
Unlike other "encounters" I've had, I felt fine afterwards and I didn't have that creeped-out feeling at all, and no after-shock. So I know she was benign, and I wish I wasn't so scared and could stick around and see what it was all about. I think I still have "Spirit-World PTSD" from that time period a few years back. And from last summer, let's not forget that.
************************
On the way to work this morning I was sitting at the front of the bus; someone had written "Dead Girl" on the back of the truck in front of me.
On the way to work, at Liberty Ave there was a large dead cat in the middle of the road. (That made me really, really sad. I don't like things like that.)
Update 9:53 am- R--- just stopped me in the hall to mention the movie Sixth Sense, which he just saw, he thought it was scary. I was waiting for the third thing.
************************
Wish I knew what the hell it all means.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Things in their own time
...that's my mantra of late.
I know what I know, got the answer to my question, received my absolute Sign of confirmation, all is well, all will be well, I just have to wait.
That's the part I'm frustrated with, but what can you do?
Everything in its own time...
Also, a few weeks ago I was reading and had a strong and quite intense vision... I had a sense of repeating a monemt/clear deja vu, reminder of something I dreamed before...after reading that particular book, I fell into heaven. It was pure bliss.
So I know everything is ok.
I know what I know, got the answer to my question, received my absolute Sign of confirmation, all is well, all will be well, I just have to wait.
That's the part I'm frustrated with, but what can you do?
Everything in its own time...
Also, a few weeks ago I was reading and had a strong and quite intense vision... I had a sense of repeating a monemt/clear deja vu, reminder of something I dreamed before...after reading that particular book, I fell into heaven. It was pure bliss.
So I know everything is ok.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Who said vegetarian children are smaller?
They never met mine.
My child eats spinach. And tofu.
Definitely my child.
My child eats spinach. And tofu.
Definitely my child.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Mostly OK
I've been taking the last 8 months or so to get my life back together, to get my head straight after all the crap, to heal my heart, to release anger, to learn forgiveness, to re-align spiritually. Help has come in the most incredible and beautiful forms. I have come a long way, but still have a road to walk.
Any situation can be looked at as a positive because there are incredible lessons and opportunities for growth. It is so true that we create our reality with our thoughts. The hard part is going through it, it hurts like hell. People get really hurt in this plane, really hurt.
As part of my "retreat", I have been making meditation a spiritual discipline. I can't imagine being where I am without it. Lately I have been oversleeping, doing my meditation at 6:30am instead of 5:30am. I have to realistically admit that I get exhausted.
Daya requires a lot, I have to make sure she's ok. Then the cat wants attention too, and I have to be there for her because she's always been a very good friend to me. Sometimes I want something for myself, to fill up that reservoir that I have long since let myself forget about. The words and support from friends helps, more than they will ever know, but I'm so tired, sometimes I really, really need help, but they cannot help me in the ways I need.
I never wanted to do this alone. I deeply resent being in this situation, because it was done on purpose with pre-conceived intent. For a god-damned greencard. That's the worst part of it.
Sometimes I get really, really scared...but I have to stop and remind myself that everything will be ok.
Any situation can be looked at as a positive because there are incredible lessons and opportunities for growth. It is so true that we create our reality with our thoughts. The hard part is going through it, it hurts like hell. People get really hurt in this plane, really hurt.
As part of my "retreat", I have been making meditation a spiritual discipline. I can't imagine being where I am without it. Lately I have been oversleeping, doing my meditation at 6:30am instead of 5:30am. I have to realistically admit that I get exhausted.
Daya requires a lot, I have to make sure she's ok. Then the cat wants attention too, and I have to be there for her because she's always been a very good friend to me. Sometimes I want something for myself, to fill up that reservoir that I have long since let myself forget about. The words and support from friends helps, more than they will ever know, but I'm so tired, sometimes I really, really need help, but they cannot help me in the ways I need.
I never wanted to do this alone. I deeply resent being in this situation, because it was done on purpose with pre-conceived intent. For a god-damned greencard. That's the worst part of it.
Sometimes I get really, really scared...but I have to stop and remind myself that everything will be ok.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
More Rain
I love watching people in the rain. They all have such crazy reactions, they get grumpy, freak out about a little water etc...you'd think people never showered.
Rain doesn't bother me so much, especially when it's warm outside. What does bother me a little s getting a bit drenched then having to sit in very cold AC.
I need more chai.
Rain doesn't bother me so much, especially when it's warm outside. What does bother me a little s getting a bit drenched then having to sit in very cold AC.
I need more chai.
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