Notes to Self

Introducing Mutual Madness....

Carey and I have decided to post about the same topic/title simultaneously!  This should be fun.

My artist brain gets strange ideas in strange moments, and I have to keep a record of them somehow, because my child-and cat-addled brain is pretty much like a sieve.  I remember all the stuff I want to forget, and forget all the stuff I want to remember.  I routinely forget to remember things.  Most of the time, I don't worry about it, and truly- it doesn't seem to matter at all.

My brain is exactly like

this upside-down sieve

Here is a list of things I should/need to remember:
*Whether to go to work or not
*Paying bills on time
*Feeding cats/Daya
*Painting ideas
*Blog post ideas
*Where I live
*Scheduled appointments/events
*Peoples' birthdays
*What I wore yesterday
*Book recommendations
*Cool stuff to research later
*Art supplies that I need
*Things my friends like/don't like
*Library book due dates

Here is a list of things I do not need to remember
*What day it is
*How old I am
.......
*I already forgot what else

As you can see, the list of things I need to remember is considerably longer.  This is why I always, constantly, without fail, make notes to myself.

There are five (5) ways I generally do this:
1. My sketchbook
2. The Notes app in my phone
3. I will occasionally make a note on a sticky note but only at work.  And those notes, if important, get transferred to the notes on my phone
4. I take a picture
5. This blog

Before phones with apps I used a palm pilot (remember those?) and sticky notes.  And of course sketchbooks.

The good thing about always being note-ready is that it opens up creativity.  I am always open to inspiration. Whether it shows up or not is a different matter.  But the point is, I pay attention to it.

Paying attention to your creativity and allowing it is the best way to actually be a creative person.

Ok, you have now read my post on Notes to Self (THANK YOU for visiting and reading, I love you!!!! It is amazing to me that people actually read my tiny stupid blog) now go read Carey's.

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Card today is Moonlight (upright)

My interpretation: Beauty and wisdom in the night (owl), in the cycles and phases of the moon which are also the cycles and phases of life (that hourglass). Light in the dark which illuminates.

Booklet says: "Your intuition allows you to see beyond the mundane, logical, and analytical.  Follow it."
Booklet talks about trusting yourself and your intuition. Symbolic language.  Spirit is sending messages to help.  Follow the signs.

I do that.

Watching Paint Dry and A Great Dating Tip

There are people in this world who actually like watching paint dry, and talking about it too.

I am one of those people.  Doesn't that make me sound FUN?

I think this would be a great conversation topic for a first date.  ***
It might go something like this:

Him:  So, what do you like to do in your spare time?
Me: Well, I like adding somethings and nothings into different oil paints and seeing how long it takes for the paint to dry.  And then I talk to other people about it. 
Him:  ......

Yeah, I'm FUN.

*** You may feel free to use this conversation when out on a date with someone you don't want to see again.  Ever again.

In my studio, my typical artist grade paints take anywhere from 3-5 days to dry.  That's the Gamblins, WNs, M. Grahams, etc.  Earth colors might be dry in a day or two.  Vasaris and Williamsburgs can take up to 2 weeks to touch-dry.

Gamblin's solvent-free gel takes a day or 2.
Galkyd takes one to two days.  Metallics a little longer.
Neo-Megilp- 1-2 days
Liquin takes 24 hours-ish.
Copal (real copal) tacks up while I am painting.
M. Graham Walnut alkyd takes 2-3-4 days depending on paint thickness and pigment.

Drying times are affected by paint thickness, the oil in the paint, the medium used, the climate, and the quality of frustration in your thoughts towards your painting.  What it really comes down to, regardless of additives and whatnot, is that if you want the paint to dry it will not.  If you do not want the paint to dry it will.

Now you know.

Cats always know when a painting is wet.
You will know if your painting is dry if your cats completely ignore it.

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Card today: Ghostlands (reversed)
This is a pretty and cool card and I like it a lot.  Especially the icy ghost-flowers.

My Interpretation: Frozen time, living in one's head, living in unreality, seeking wisdom from Beyond

Booklet says:  "You can learn from the past and imagine a beautiful future, but you must live in the here-and-now"  Reversed meaning talks about wandering in an emotional or intellectual place with no real substance. Live one day at a time.  Stay away from the Ghostlands of past and future.

Dear Tourists

Dear Tourists,
You have all been doing something very annoying lately.  You have been walking verrrrry slowly around Times Square with your phones on top of selfie sticks.

As much as I genuinely want you to enjoy this wonderful city, please understand THAT YOU ARE SLOWING DOWN TRAFFIC IN A MAJOR OBNOXIOUS WAY AND YOUR PHONE ON THE SELFIE STICK LOOKS FUCKING STUPID. 

I was perplexed about this new trend of selfie sticks in Times Square that has popped up.  Because I really can't imagine that so many people would actually own one of the things.

Oh, but Friday I found the source:  I had to wait almost 10 minutes (seriously) to take this picture because the tourist couple looking at them took that long to decide which one to get.

 Yeah, WALGREENS.  Way to go.

TIP TO TOURISTS: Do not buy sushi from Walgreens.  Just.... NO.

NO.  VERY VERY WRONG

Love and hugs and sparkly unicorn hearts and kisses and
GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!,
J

PS I'm almost never this grumpy.

*****
Oh WAIT-- it is Mother's Day.  Was I supposed to post something for Mother's Day? Or thoughts about motherhood?  And I posted Walgreens sushi instead?

Every day is mothers day because I am a mom every single day.  There ya go.

Have a happy one!

*****
Card today Come Together (reversed)
Well, that's crappy.  :(

My interpretation: separation, broken partnership, end of love, no love, nothing lasts forever

Booklet says: "Love needs to be shared." Reversed:  unbalanced love connection, withheld intimacy, lack, emotional depletion, pouring water into empty wells,

Well, it's also somewhat encouraging...it also says "What is truly for you will never walk past you or require this much energy."  "True love will always find its reflection in another."

ok.

Two Paintings

I am supposed to do three paintings a week as part of my May goals.  So here are two paintings.  I have a third but it needs a final layer and it is still too wet.  One I did most of at the end of April but that is still ok.  This is not about being hard on myself.  It is about keeping myself moving, which can be difficult.

The other thing these paintings are not about is technique.  These are not intended to be technical paintings. They are conceptual sketch-paintings.  The way a poem is not an essay.

Good painting, just like any other form of expression and communication, requires vocabulary. Technique is vocabulary.  Composition, color, perspective, form, anatomy, DRAWING, brushwork, materials- these are all vocabulary. All essential things which require constant practice and grow as cumulative skills.  Ideally, it is good to combine excellent vocabulary with something interesting to say.  One fails without the other.  Even for abstract painters this is (should be) true.

But sometimes it is nice to let go and just simply speak with colors and let technique be there in the background. Play. No pressure. So here are two paintings.

5x7 oil on canvas panel

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Card today Gentle Gardener (upright)
I feel like such crap and I keep getting these nice upright cards.  Every morning when I draw a card I am always expecting some sort of ...well, something challenging.  Or just plain crappy.  Because that is possible with this deck, and I like that because it is balanced.  If something is wrong I want to know about it.

My interpretation: This is a peaceful scene.A restful, sunny, awakening scene with wise benevolent presence watching.  Caring.  That's nice, especially because that's not the way I feel today.

Booklet says: "Be your own person.   Be a conscious co-creator."  Booklet talks about our thoughts, beliefs, etc creating our experience. Divine integrity behind my intentions.  "Stay positive and expect a wondrous return."

Ok.

Deflated

I got dumped by a friend- a long-term close friend- and it was because of nothing I said or did.  She dumped everyone in our little group.  The conflict was between her and someone else.  I explained that to her. The person who had the conflict told her it was just between the two of them. But I still got dumped. I truly do not feel I deserved to get dumped because she had a conflict with another friend.

Through many years, I have been a very good friend to this person. I don't think that matters to her though. This stings quite a lot.  Not even halfway through the year, and I have already lost two very significant friendships.  And there was nothing I could have done/said/done differently in either case.

I keep losing important person after important person.  I have been so sad about these continual losses, one after another, year after year, that I can't even feel sad anymore.  To be honest, I'm glad I can't feel it anymore, because that's better than the hurt.

How is there NOT a pattern here?  I don't get it.  On some level that I truly don't know, it must be a fault of mine somehow.  Otherwise why would it keep happening?

Last night I had horrible dreams about it.

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Card for the day Metamorphosis (upright)
Lisa must have put some magic into all my cards being upright.  I have run out of magic myself, so I really appreciate that.

My Interpretation:  Metamorphosis is of course the change from a caterpillar into a butterfly. I guess moths do it too.  In so many ways, I feel like a butterfly and a caterpillar at the same time.  It depends on the aspect of my life.

There are ways in which I deeply want to grow and experience life, but though I look for and am open to opportunity, nothing ever happens. There are ways in which I feel completely encased in a chrysalis.  I want to come out, I am trying to get out, and the damn thing just won't open.  I must be missing something big, some kind of no-brainer.

2+5=7 I already posted about 7.  I don't know if I care about the numbers anymore. Whatever.

Booklet says: "You are in the process of deep and beautiful change."  Booklet goes on to talk about transformation involving losses. Letting go.

Yeah.

More Spring Thoughts

Well, Spring is the season of birth and new life etc, but I think Spring just sucks the life out of some of us. It does to me.

Everyone has the Heavies.  At least in the chat thread on the painting forum. So we are being miserable together.  Sometimes it is good to give misery some air and space, as long as we don't stay there or inflict it upon others. Acknowledgement. Balance.

Well, we just have to keep moving.  Doesn't matter how fast or slow, and stopping for naps is always a good idea.  I'm reading a pretty depressing book right now, although it is truly excellent.  Beautifully written, and I got it for free as part of an Amazon Prime new release for free thingy.  Free is always good.

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Card: Heal the "Ouch" (upright)

My interpretation: My first impression of this card is that it is a little too childish and cutesy for my taste. But maybe that quality of the card has to do with our inner children.  Or old pains that stem from childhood. Raccoon and fox are an unlikely pair, perhaps there is comfort in unexpected places.  I can't tell if the raccoon is holding a little flower or a little hammer.  Either could probably be appropriate.

3+8=11  11= 1+1=2, so this card is a 2 and an 11 
My birthday numerology also makes me both a 2 and an 11

2 The all-knowing

Positive Characteristics: Sensitive, tactful, diplomatic and cooperative. The 2s tend to be peacemakers and are loving, studious and patient. A 2 may express many musical or feminine qualities and also tends to be sensual and intuitive

11 The most intuitive

Positive Characteristics: A Master number, the 11 is the most intuitive of all numbers. It is instinctual, charismatic, dynamic and capable when its sights are set on a concrete goal. The 11 is the number associated with faith and psychics.

Booklet says: "Forgiveness is the healer of the soul"
It goes on to talk about healing being prevalent now, and old wounds in particular.  "Let bygones be bygones".

This is oddly and unexpectedly relevant right now.  Hmmm.  And I had the worst dream last night about being trapped away from home with family members.  I was so glad to wake up, to get away from them. So, there are things on my mind from that dream, then I get this card today...

Fan Confession

I have a list of thoughts and one confession concerning fans.  As in fan brushes.

2 of these fans are from pastel color shaper sets

Thoughts:
1. They are hands-down the coolest looking brushes ever.
2. They are SUPERCUTE.
3. The first time I ever saw a fan brush, I was in 5th grade and it was at a tag sale. It had white bristles. Unfortunately, the brush did not become mine. But I wanted to adopt it.
4. I got my first fan brush after college.  Yes, it took that long.

It's SO CUTE!!!

Confession:
I have no idea how to properly use a fan brush.

Completely serious.  Not for lack of trying.  I do have two (2) fans as part of my pastel color shaper sets- and they make more sense with pastels than oils.  I have asked and spoken to other artists.  But whatever magic the fans posses for some artists, who love them, they have never revealed that magic to me.

People use them to blend.  And do other things. I, too, have tried using them to blend and do other things. I just get streaks no matter how light a touch I use.

And once they get wet- with water or solvent- forget it.  Even if I wipe them on my oily rag. The bristles stick together in clumps.  And I am back to blending with brights.

So as much as I love fans, they just don't love me back.  Except when I use them with pastels.

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Ultramarine Green Update
It is officially extinct.  Kremer doesn't have any more PG24, and Rembrandt switched over to a mix, which I am not interested in getting, even for comparison purposes.  I don't want fake ultramarine green.

Now A Relic of Antiquity

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Card: Wizard of Awareness (upright)

My interpretation: He is old and pensive.  I usually feel like I am about three thousand years old, and I am also pensive.  Too pensive, sometimes.  He is concentrating, he has that look of Deep Thinking, perhaps trying to figure something out.  He is not looking directly at the viewer.  I also do that when I am thinking about something or "looking" into something beneath the surface.

Booklet says:  "Your soul knows; be still and observe."  It talks about mindfulness both within and without.
The booklet also says something I quite like:  "Wearing the world as a loose garment requires you to adopt a sense that nothing that happens to you is personal."

That is true.  I get mad, sad, frustrated, and irritated, but I rarely take things personally.  Mostly what people do is about them, not about me.

"You wouldn't worry so much of what others think of you

if you realized how seldom they do."

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Ultramarine

Ultramarine blue used to be the most expensive pigment on planet earth, made of lapis lazuli. Painters had to grind and purifty the lapis themselves, and each batch made different grades, the first being the best. Traditionally it was reserved for the Virgin Mary.  Wealthy patrons would show off by how much blue was in their commissioned paintings.  Afghanistan was the primary source for the stone.

Nowadays ultramarine is synthetically made and very inexpensive.  Synthetic ultramarine is more intense than lapis.  I do not have a tube of genuine ultramarine, though it can be had- but astoundingly, as of right now, I don't want it.

A very nice piece of Lapis Lazuli

I got two (2) new ultramarine colors, which prompted me to pull out all of my ultramarines and make a chart. My new additions are the Sennelier Ultramarine Rose (PR259) and the Williamsburg Ultramarine Pink (PV15).

I thought I had a Williamsburg 

and maybe I did at some point 

but I don't now

As it turns out, I have some duplicates...... oh well, whatever, I don't care.  I can and will always use ultramarine.

Here is a chart of my ultramarines- they are all single pigment colors straight from the tube and mixed with titanium. I used Gamblin's solvent free gel for the transparent swatches.  All the ultramarines are somewhat transparent.  Very pretty.

Vasari and Williamsburg have Ultramarine Violets (PV15) which look like the Rembrandt's U. Violet.  WB PV15 and Rembrandt PV15 are both very different!!  I have not seen another PV15 like the Ultramarine Pink.

I painted this little canvas a while ago 

with ultramarine green, 

to show the transparency

in three layers.

It dries kinda matte so needs a gloss varnish.

It has way more depth with gloss.

The ultramarine green is made by Rembrandt (Royal Talens), and according to the pigment database no one else makes it, at least for oil. Kremer Pigments has it dry.  Here is what Blick says about it:

The name for this pigment comes from the Middle Latin ultra, meaning beyond, and mare, meaning sea, because it was imported from Asia to Europe by sea. It was introduced in Germany in 1828, but it never became popular. However, it was manufactured until 1960. It can still be found through pigment specialists or as part of low-cost oil colors or watercolors.

So, while it is by no means an essential (or even non-essential) part of anyone's palette, and it is unpopular, and old, and very weak tinting, and only one paint maker even bothers with it, and it is cheap, and easily duplicated with prettier pthalos or cobalts, and the pigment hasn't been made for more than 50 years because no one cares about it--- me myself personally, I LOVE IT. I have yet to use it in a painting but that is beside the point.

It's pretty cool to know, actually, that the pigment in my paint is at least 55 years old! And that's if it was made in its last year of manufacturing!

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CANADA BALSAM UPDATE: I found it.

I once was lost, but now I'm found

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Card today is Spark (upright)

My interpretation: Creative endeavours are an act of love from within to without.The flowing of Divine inspiration.  It is an act of giving and beauty.  The figure is in a wild, natural place, and as an added bonus she has green hair which I like very much. She holds the instrument- it plays yet she herself is not playing it.  She is a channel.

3+4=7 numerology 
Positive Characteristics: 7 isn't just a lucky number. It's also spiritual, intelligent, analytical, focused, introspective, studious, intuitive, knowledgeable, contemplative, serious, persevering, refined, gracious and displays much inner wisdom.

The booklet says 
"You are a clear channel for divine creativity"
Pretty much everything I said in my own interpretation, a good time to give birth to an idea.

Double Pinky Promise

Daya is starting the pre-tween stuff.  Just starting.  This is new and scary for both of us.  Saturday night we had a big fight, but all is well now.  She is growing and changing, and so I need to adjust as a parent. There are things that not-pre-tween kids don't care about that pre-tween kids care very much about.

It is awkward and clunky for both of us.  We do have a very good, open and solid relationship, so I know that everything will be ok, but there will be moments.

Sunday morning I sat with Daya and we talked a little more.  We made a double-pinky-promise vow to each other to have patience and compassion for each other during hard moments.  And we can also remind each other to be patient and compassionate.

Sulky-fits and fresh mouth aside, Daya really has an amazing heart.  She is a great kid.  She is trustworthy, responsible, and mature- but she is still a cute little kid in all the right ways.  She considers others besides herself.  She is very loving and hard working.  I am proud of her.

This teen stuff scares me, and it scares her too.  So we really will need all the patience and compassion for each other as possible.

*****
Dry Desert (upright)

3+1=4, 4 is stability kind of number.  Which sucks and is good at the same time. I already linked to the number 4 in earlier posts.

My interpretation: For years, for many years, I have consciously felt like I have been walking through a desert. I have used this analogy in my thoughts many times.  It has been stable and dry.  And a bit brutal, to be honest.  And seemingly never-ending.  I am still in this desert, and it does still seem never-ending but I have hope that it will end at some point.  I have found oases (oiasises?)- some have dried up and some have appeared.  Some have been mirages.

Sometimes I think everything I perceive, everything I have hope and faith in, everything I believe in, is nothing more than a mirage.  Sometimes I think I am a mirage.

Again, though the figure is seemingly alone, she has company in the overhead bird and the distant cacti.  So although she may seem alone, and feel like it, there is company of sorts.

This is a colorful image though, and there is beauty in the colorful desert. That applies to my desert journey as well.

The booklet talks about resilience and digging deep for inspiration.  It talks about .opportunities that yield nothing.

That hits home for sure.  Spot on.

But I am most definitely resilient, no question.  The desert has definitely done that to me.

Resistance Was Futile

I went to Sephora to see if the new Urban Decay shadows were in store yet- they are not- and I found this new Too Faced palette.

It was love at first sight.  We were meant to be.  This meant-to-be status was confirmed when I swatched all the colors.  I have two (2) Too Faced eyeshadow singles from a couple of years ago, and I really love them.  Too Faced makes good products.  The case is supercute and little and closes magnetically.  The shadows are excellent quality. They sparkle. The reviews are all excellent.

 Soooo Pretty

Supercute case!!

You know I have to rock that turquoise

(Macaron, Blackberry, Blue Raspberry, Peach Fuzz, Rock Candy)

With some UD 24/7 pencils

It's a great little palette, very versatile, travel-friendly, great for Spring.

******
Card of the day:
Talisman (upright)

What a great image

My Interpretation: Wow, I love this card immediately, The figure is partially on the (interesting-looking) path, partly off it but she remains supported.  One foot in two worlds, so to speak- the physical and spiritual. There are a lot of symbols here- the dragon (good fortune), the yin yang (balance) and various other symbols which are both on her (part of her) and around her.  This is a wonderfully mystical card and I love it.  And it is green.  I love green.

4+9=13=1+3=4 numerology
The salt of the earth

Positive Characteristics: 4s are disciplined, strong, stable, pragmatic, down-to-earth, reliable, dependable, hard-working, extracting, precise, methodical, conscientious, frugal, devoted, patriotic and trustworthy!

The booklet says: "A lesson truly learned is crystallized as earned wisdom.  You have all you need for the success you seek."  The rest goes on to talk about having learned lessons and being able to proceed forward with that knowledge and avoid pitfalls and mistakes.

I have to agree on this one, actually.  I have learned a lot of lessons, the hard way for the most part, but I have very consciously taken the lessons from all of it.

*** Note from yesterday's card: I did quite a bit of straightening up.  Still more to do but I found my missing color shapers so I am very, very happy!  (they were in my 11x14 pochade box)

The Emergency Brake

All the subway cars have an emergency brake with instructions on when to use it.
Basically, never.

This is what the brake looks like:

I agree that it looks tempting.  But resist.

 It comes with illustrated instructions.

Do not pull the brake.

Basically, don't ever pull the emergency brake.  Of course people do anyhow, with regular frequency.  All it does is stop the train and all trains behind it for about a half hour.  It makes everyone really, really mad. Most especially during rush hour.  Even worse if it is anytime Monday, Friday evening, or if it is raining.

This is what needs to be posted 

right under the emergency brake.

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Card for the day:

Home (reversed)

My interpretation: This is a fun card. Lots of hidden things everywhere, a bit overgrown, just like my apartment! Seriously, my apartment has been very neglected lately because i have been doing other things. And I'm not really happy about it. Well, actually, it bothers me intensely but I live in a state of denial.  So I do need to take care of things.  I run out of time (see that clock?) and energy.

27=2+7=9 numerology
The qualities of the number 9 are those of leadership, the ability to see clearly, integration, the three worlds – physical, intellectual, spiritual, last symbol before return to unity, ability to understand, inborn talents, compulsions, introspection, personal integrity, unity, truth, perfection, concord, dissolves ego attachments, challenges faced in looking for your own wisdom.

Well, yes it is true that my home is and has always been a very weak spot for me, so this card reversed makes a lot of sense.

First line of the booklet says "If you don't feel at home, it's time to do a thorough and fearless inventory." Yes, I need to inventory.  And get rid of stuff.  I actually am very good at purging and getting rid of stuff, and I love doing it, but I need to do it much more often.

I guess I have a little task from this card.  It does make perfect sense.

May!

It's May!  This is a busy month- full of dance recital mayhem.

For my card meditation I could either be a day ahead, or my blog could be a day behind.  I chose to be a day ahead.  But yesterday it was already tomorrow in Australia so it makes no difference. This year, since it turned out that I'm posting daily (this is a challenge!!), and since I have kept up so far I HAVE to keep it going- I like to have my next-day post done and scheduled (at least) the day before. That's why my new posts are all posting at 3am.  And why I am a day ahead with drawing cards so my blog can be on time.

I haven't read the booklet that comes with the cards, and I'm not very far into the full book to which the card set is an accompaniment.  That's ok though, maybe even better as my initial thoughts are not influenced.

Ride the Wave (upright)

My interpretation: So, immediately this makes me think of high tide and low tide, and having to move through life no matter what wave we are riding. Sometimes we can make our own waves, sometimes we are trying to breathe while staying afloat through waves others have generated.  Of course it is water, which is my main element- water being emotion, water being the Tao.  There are two dolphins- a reminder that no matter how alone we may feel, we are really never alone.  Even when it really does feel and seem like it. So I will really try and keep that in mind.

There is a mermaid-faerie-being-thing riding one of the dolphins. This could symbolize me, but it can also symbolize someone I am carrying, a dependent- Daya.

14= 1+4= 5, numerology:
Said to be the prevailing number in nature and art, 5 symbolizes Fire and the Stigmata. Multi-talented and with many interests, 5’s are attractive, independent, free-thinking, fast moving, and potentially foot-loose.

Hey, that's cool, May is also the 5th month in the year!

The booklet says this card (upright) has to do with success and positive events carrying you forward.

This is, I think, a very nice card to start May with.

To Dry or Not to Dry

Oil paint can take a while to dry. Artists both love that and hate it. How to make the paint dry?  How to make the paint stay open?

In general, I don't add driers.  I'm happy with my paint touch-drying in three to four days.  I also like to keep my palette open, and adding driers makes that impossible.

Sometimes I need them though, like when I want to add another layer the next day.  Some of my Williamsburgs and Vasaris take FOREVER to dry- sometimes up to two weeks- without driers.  All my metallic paints take forever too, again sometimes two weeks. So I add driers all the time to metallics.

 Williamsburg Metallics take forever to dry

Williamsburg Cadmiums take forever to dry

Williamsburg Cobalts take forever to dry

Williamsburg Italian Earths do not take forever to dry, 

but earth colors generally don't anyhow.

Note 1: I got all of those above sets for 40% off. Each.

Note 2: if you can swing it, get the Williamsburg cobalt violet light.  It is one of the glowiest paints I have ever seen. The swatch on the tube doesn't do it justice.

Note 3:  I do not have the Williamsburg French Earth set, but I do have all the colors I like from their French Earth line. They are gorgeous paints.

I like to keep things simple.  Although I will experiment with everything (how else will I know what works and what I like, and what my options are?) I usually stick to linseed oil and solvent, or one alkyd. Gamblin's Galkyd makes me very happy because it smells like linseed oil, and I LOVE- absolutely LOVE the smell of linseed oil.

Some people like to use different "fatter" mediums in different layers.  I use the same medium throughout the whole painting, and I use as little as possible.

*****
May is tomorrow! I'm ready for April to be over.

I have May Goals, because I need to keep myself moving.
1. Three finished paintings a week.
2. Books to finish: (I have several books going, have been bad at finishing any of them, though they are all good)
 -the book Daya and I are reading together
 -the Sonia Choquette book about El Camino de Santiago
 -the map book by Colette Baron-Reid
3. Draw a card every day from that fun deck I got which goes with the map book and think thoughts about it that no one will really care about except me but this is my blog.

A Clever Discovery

I have a lot of pan pastels.  Actually, I have all of them.  Every single one. I started with a few then got some more, and some more after that, and then I COMPULSIVELY NEEDED all of them.

I am neither a color whore nor an art supply addict.

They are very pretty, right?

It took me years to get them all.  Years.

Anyhow, pan pastels come stacked in stackable screw-together plastic cases.  And I have sets which came with some of the Sofft Tools, also in the cases.  And the open stock pans come with extra casing. This makes travel with the pans very easy, but I have a lot of extra lids and plastic cases because I store them in the flat palettes pictured above.

HOWEVER I have found a brilliant use for these plastic cases with lids.... medium cups for oils!! Also ridiculously perfect for plein air. I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner.  I'm just slow sometimes.

Medium in the lids!!

Perfection.  And I can use a sharpie marker to mark which medium I have in each case or lid.

The Un-Post

I ran out of blog posts.  So today will be an un-post, followed by regularly scheduled art supplies, cats, children, assorted brain droppings, etc.

In the meantime, here is Dru's favorite house in Hudson. It is purple which makes it automatically cool, and it looks like something out of an Edward Gorey illustration, which makes it completely badass.

I need to live in a purple house.

I need to figure out what I am doing in May.  My May meditation.  Aside from the mess of paintings I am working on.  I was going to add more layers last night to what I painted Monday, but the walnut alkyd is a slower drier than normal alkyd.  The paint is still very wet.  Usually when I add a drier it is touch dry within 24 hours.

Happy Mediums

Everyone always asks about mediums.  I have a bunch of them and I like them all. Some more than others.

Here are my mediums being happy.  Not pictured is my Canada Balsam; the stupid cats knocked everything over in my studio and I can't find three (3) size 6 long-handled color shapers, my Canada Balsam, and probably some more stuff I haven't located yet.

I am trying to pretend that it doesn't drive me batshit insane.

Anyhow, the Canada Balsam looks exactly like the Blue Ridge Copal except the words "Canada Balsam" are written on the bottle.

1. Liquin-  An old standard.  It's an alkyd which dries the paint.  It stinks and is toxic.  I'm done with Liquin because I like all things Gamblin better, and I like Gamblin's alkyds better.

2. English turps (real-deal turps)- a good thing to have around.  I don't use it much but some mediums require it, like resins.

3. Dammar varnish- I used to use this more, not so much anymore.  I will use a variant- retouch varnish- but I prefer Gamvar for my varnishing needs.

4. Spike oil of Lavender- it does not smell like lavender.  It smells like camphor.  It is a strong solvent, can be added to mediums, I don't use it much at all.  Jerry's has this new line of lavender-based solvents and they smell MUCH better than the stuff I have. (not really like lavender, but mildly pleasant) I didn't get any though, because I just don't need it,

5. Gamblin Cold Wax medium- I guess you could use this for thicker paint applications but I got it to make a more matte finish.  I usually prefer gloss but I like matte for the interference colors.  It's good to have options.

6. Neo-megilp- Gamblin's version of Maroger's, an alkyd but not nearly as unstable, expensive, and toxic as Maroger. It's a thick gel.

7 Galkyd (i have lite, it is thinner viscosity)- nice linseedy-smelling alkyd.  It is Gamblin, nothing nore needs to be said.

8. M Graham Walnut Alkyd- Carey told me to get it and if someone tells me to get something I will, and I LOVE it.  It is so nice and silky-smooth and wonderful.  Love.  Made with walnut oil, like M Graham paints which I also love.

9. Blue Ridge Copal- resin, dries the paint.  resins can add additional luminosity to the paint layers.  requires real-deal turps.  No mineral spirits.

10. Linseed oil- my basic  medium is half-half Gamsol (Gamblin's version of odorless mineral spirits) mixed with linseed oil.

11.  Oleogel- my FAVORITE medium.  Seriously, I love this stuff.  LOVE.  It is basically clear oil paint, made by Natural Pigments.  No driers.  Wonderful and silky and smooth and fantastic in all possible ways. I can't even describe how awesome this stuff feels under a brush.  The only thing is that it is the same consistency of paint from the tube- so if you need to make your paint looser then maybe use something else. I am very fortunate that a few stores here in NYC carry Rublev so I don't have to order online. :)

I do need to try Gamblin's solvent-free gel- I suspect it might be like oleogel, except Gamblin's is an alkyd which will dry the paint.  Sometimes I like that and sometimes I don't.

When I Was Back There in Seminary School....

Haha.  The coolest thing about having gone to seminary is that I can say "When I was back there in seminary school...."

So, when I was back there in seminary school, there was a man, let's call him Alvin- who yelled at me once in front of the whole entire class regarding pagan religions.  Which was odd, it being an interfaith seminary and his wife headed up the pagan portion of the curriculum.  It was during the curriculum section on Judaism. I was all of 22 years old, in my pagan coven years, and I asked a question, I can't recall what it was- I believe it had to do with the clash of Jews and pagans in ancient times- but he responded by snapping at me in front of the whole room.  I was very taken aback, startled.  Actually, the whole room was startled. I didn't know how to respond so I just shut up.

His response had to do with yelling at me about pagan sacrifice of babies.  I had no idea what he was talking about.  All these years I still had no idea what he was talking about, but I recently found out by chance.  It's about Molech, who somehow I never knew about.  Obviously child sacrifice- as well as human and animal sacrifice- is a horrific practice.  We as humanity still need to evolve away from many horrific things, but thankfully child sacrifice isn't mainstream anymore.  Although it is not completely eradicated, believe it or not. Animal sacrifice is still rather prevalent on certain religious holidays in some sects of mainstream traditions- yes Alvin, YOURS- and also Santeria, for example.

For the record, while I am all about tolerance and respect, I'm not on board with any form of inflicting pain, bloodshed and/or death as a form of worship.

Humans do awful things.  We do awful horrible things as a collective under the guise of tradition, religion, out of ignorance, fear, desperation, and the need to control and dominate others.  It is nothing new.  It happens all over the world and has happened throughout all time.

I do not, however- oh please pardon this terrible pun- think it is necessary to throw the baby out with the bathwater.  Horrendous human practices are not representative of entire traditions which also have many beautiful aspects.  Humanity corrupts things.  As we create, so we destroy.  We are capable of very high frequency and corresponding very low frequencies. There are nutjobs, and there are the rest of us.

So anyhow, this response is many years too late, 

but "Alvin", 

I did not deserve to be yelled at.

Jim agrees with me

Bubble Wrap

Dear All NYC Residents,

It is commendable that you give your child something non-electronic to occupy them on the subway.  But for Gods' sake BUBBLE WRAP IS A VERY VERY BAD IDEA.

Seriously, what are you thinking?? FFS, NO!!

Love and hugs and venomous glares,
j

Cruel Hearts

"...treasure the fact that you have a heart that can feel,

because it's not a given here in life."

                  -Carey

Huh. Carey wrote that in a comment to one of my posts earlier this week. And it's true, but I never actually thought of it in those terms.  I assume most people do have a heart that can and does feel.  Perhaps Carey is right though, maybe it is true that many people can't, or they have forgotten.  Or other things are more important.

It is true that there are cruel hearts everywhere.

Sometimes doing what we think is the "right" thing is most definitely NOT.  No matter how it may seem on the surface.  Carey's statement makes me think that we must be so careful with whom we closely engage our hearts, if we happen to have a sensitive heart.  It's probably a bad idea to engage a sensitive heart with a cruel heart.  That might seem like common sense but anyone who has lived even a little knows better.

Because I am a mom, I evaluate things in relation to being a parent.  That goes for monitoring my personal relationships, because I have to model for Daya.  I will not allow anyone to treat me in a way that I would not want Daya to let people treat her. Because I know she will see and learn from my example.  If I can't do it for myself, for some reason, I will do it for her.

Isolated Patterns

Last year when I was sorting through a few things, I was given some advice, a suggestion, which I struggle with.  But I am still turning it around, thinking about it, trying to see how to apply it.

Basically, in one (maybe two) areas of my life concerning people, things always seem to turn out the same. It's something I really struggle to understand.  The advice I was given was to not lump things together but rather see them as separate events which are isolated from each other.

The reason I have a lot of difficulty with this is because I am always, constantly, looking for patterns.  It's how I am hard-wired.  I look for patterns in repeating events, situation outcomes, my own thoughts and behaviors, Daya's patterns, patterns of light and shadow to compose paintings (even though I haven't painted in a while- I still am always painting and analyzing the world through my painter's mind), and behavior patterns in others.  I do this to either break or reinforce patterns over which I have control, or understand what to expect from people.

Everything is energy. I see energy patterns- sound and music too (it's called synesthesia).  I see energy patterns as intertwining layers of color and texture, kind of like threads or waves but not really.  It's very difficult to describe, and when someone is speaking to me, especially if they need help, I start seeing the threads and "patterns" of what they are saying, their situation, and reading it.  This can be difficult to translate into words.  It's a very abstract thing,  but it is how I see energy.  Stuff connected to other stuff.

Because I know that everything is interconnected, it is very difficult for me to isolate things and see them as un-related, especially if I think there is a pattern happening.  One-off moments can happen, we all have them, but when things start repeating it is a pattern.  Perhaps the advice I was given is true, and this inability to see things as isolated, outside of a pattern, especially when I perceive it to be the same result over and over, is to my detriment.

But I really want to understand why things keep happening.  Or not happening.

I might take a day to experiment by consciously suspending all my beliefs and believe something different for a day. See what that's like, how it feels, and if I am even capable of fully doing it. See if it even serves a purpose. Look at things differently .I can always revert back.

Wish

I wish it was possible to love someone enough to make everything in their life better.  I wish just the state of loving someone could just...fix things for them.  Everything.  I wish it opened possibilities. I wish that, by itself, it led them down positive pathways.  I wish it could override all harm and negativity. I wish it could impart wisdom, clarity, and understanding. I wish it could result in their decisions being healthy. I wish it could make them really know, understand, and believe how much they are loved.

I wish it was enough just by itself, for the sake of itself.

It seems instead, that it makes no difference at all.

Sunset from a week or so ago

********

I feel like absolute crap. Very sad.  It's horrible and never-ending.  I live around it. But somehow I got FOURTEEN paintings- images and titles- yesterday.  Which is completely ridiculous and absurd. But it will keep me busy for a while. I have already started throwing some paint down.

Gods and Our Energy Mix

Earth-based religions and all aboriginal traditions value the planet as a living, conscious entity that we're in a sacred interdependent relationship with; rather than a ball of inanimate stuff we can use and dominate.

                                        -Colette Baron-Reid

One of the reasons I gravitate towards the (so-called) pagan concept of different gods and goddesses is because they embody different energies which also exist in us, and in nature.  Often conflicting energies- paradoxes, simultaneously. Inclusive of masculine, feminine, and neutral energy. Storm and calm. Dark and light. Life and death.  Old Eastern religion/spiritual thought (Buddhism, the Tao, Hindu, Shinto, etc) also includes this. I like that, too.  Native American tribes also acknowledged these things.

The God-source, God/dess, Tao, Universe, Source, whatever you want to call it, is infinite- and part of that infinity includes one being many and many being one.  One Source, infinite energies.  Different facets on a jewel.  Or different leaves on the same tree.  All the different words which make up one book. One book which is part of a library.  One person as part of all connected humanity. And so on.

Anyhow, it is good to be able to see God as part of all energies, in everything, in everyone. In all parts of ourselves- if God is in everything, everywhere, then it is in us as well. In all aspects of Nature. In order to do that, it is helpful to see different faces or aspects of God. Not limiting it to one image, one concept.  How can the infinite be possibly be locked into one definition, one image, one concept?  I go back and forth a lot with relating to God as one whole, and "zooming in", so to speak, at specific faces.  It depends on where I am and what I need at the time. What I am called to.  Broad to specific. And back again. the macro-cosm to the micro-cosm.  It is all infinite.

All the mythologies which exist serve to help us relate to these different energies in a divine way, to learn from them as they relate to our own life circumstances.  It makes God very close and relate-able.  It is old collective energy. It is very much alive.

It is also important not to pigeonhole the way we expect God to be or appear, the defined concept of God. A rigid concept of God can become a false god, so to speak.  If you are looking for God, and expect it to appear a certain way, you'll probably miss it altogether.

"If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him."

                                   -Very Old Saying

The Heavies

I need a project for myself, and I'm thinking a month long thing during May.  An art thing.  What, I don't know but I have to keep myself moving.  This case of Spring Heavies that I've got is really bad this year.  It's like I am swimming on dry land.  Everything takes such effort. Constantly.

I can't think of anything to do about it that I'm not already doing....and then some.  So I just have to keep on.

This month-long project needs to be something fun but not too intense. I picked up a set of The Enchanted Map cards and the book by Colette Baron-Reid.  They looked interesting, and they are. Maybe I'll work with this deck, draw a card every day as a daily meditation.

Whatever the heck I signed up for in this life...sometimes I just really want to smack myself.  I go back and forth between trying to find/seeing a purpose, and NOT UNDERSTANDING and just feeling like something is really wrong with me and I'm completely abnormal.  But if there is something wrong with me -and sometimes I really think there might be- I can't find it (which doesn't mean it isn't there).  But there are things that I just don't get which seem to be no-brainers for the rest of the world.

I'm not at rock bottom, I just like this image.

Yelahiah

A friend forwarded me an email about free angel readings.  What the heck, it was free so I signed up. Of course the reading was total BS...I know this because for the fun of it I did it again with a different birthday and email...the Angel was different but the rest of the "reading" was exactly the same.

BUT- I discovered the angel Yelahiah (pronounced Yela-yah), the Karmic Warrior, Angel 44 in the choir of Virtue who apparently has something or other to do with the Physical for birthdays Oct 29th through November 2.  Well, that's me.  (I researched more and found there are other angels ruling intellectual and emotional as well)

Here's what my "free reading" (lol) said about Yelahiah:

Yelahiah is the Angel who embodies faithfulness. Faithfulness in the noble sense of the word. Faithfulness as regards values, faithfulness as regards the established order, as well as love, goodness, primordial wisdom, so that you may forge ahead, with a pure heart and your head held high, on the path to your destiny…

Thus, Yelahiah will inspire within you a sense of responsibility, of respect for your commitments. Yelahiah will also contribute to the balance and harmony between your divine “I” and your earthly “I”. This will result in greater open-mindedness and powerful perceptive abilities that can lead you to your objectives, whether these be personal or professional.

Yelahiah is also the Angel who embodies justice; his symbol is a sacred tree, the three branches of which are Truth, Freedom, and Justice… from Truth comes Freedom; from Freedom comes Justice. Yelahiah frees the oppressed, protects the innocent, and reveals the true, authentic facts. He protects lawmen and assists them in their quest for what is right.

Yelahiah also provides you with unexpected support when defending just causes. He lights the dark side of things, shows you the way you must follow, and escort you to the end of the tunnel.

Yelahiah develops your taste for discovery, impels you to move forward, straight to success.

Under his divine influence, you can get a kind of material success, mostly through “reparations” for some injustice you may have suffered.

He too is seen as the angel of pure souls. He symbolizes the return to the faith after a period of doubt. He releases the being and the soul of their bad thoughts and bad habits. Yelahiah is the angel of Purification. He opens new perspectives, changes minds, and upsets mindsets.

Yelahiah will also quash your doubts and decrease your anxieties. He gifts you with a quick and practical intelligence that allows you to multiply your odds of success in everything you undertake.

Here is another link with cool info

Here's another link

I think I really like Yelahiah. I relate to a lot of this.  So, while the "free reading" was total bunk, it was cool to learn about this Angel.

I do need angelic presence- especially in times like now where I don't feel connected to anything.  I just have to trust it is there regardless.

Incarcerated Topiary

This incarcerated topiary was spotted while walking in Hudson with Dru.  We are not sure what it did to get behind those bars but it must have been bad.  It's definitely not going anywhere.

Incarcerated Topiary

Spring Lows

This is a hard time of year for me.  Every year.  Nothing is wrong, in fact things are pretty fine for the most part, but the Spring blahs always hit me. Maybe it is something biological; I don't know. But for whatever reason, I have a heavy sadness. It's just something I maneuver around.

Apparently this is pretty common.  And May is the prime month for suicides.

Almost two years ago I had what might be the worst conversation in my life.  Or maybe a tie for worst, I can't decide. Someone just absolutely ripped me apart, out of nowhere.  While I was at work.  They knew exactly what they were doing; they admitted it while they were doing it. I was told, among other things, that I try so hard, I make such an effort with people, reaching out, but all I really do is embarrass myself.  Because I am ignorant about the proper way to go about things. So I try and try, I get it wrong and they are just completely embarrassed for me.  Anyhow, I reacted quite badly and it blew up two family relationships.  Pretty much the last two that were standing.

It caught me completely off-guard and messed me up for a really long time. I worked through it but I discovered it is still affecting me.

It has made me very gun-shy, so to speak.  I discovered this from- of all things- sending a gift card to someone for their birthday.  It's a distant acquaintance, someone I haven't seen or spoken to for a long time. But I wanted to do something nice for them.  Even though we don't have much contact, I care very much for this person's welfare and, well I just wanted to do something nice for them. That's all.

And I just can't help wondering if I have embarrassed myself.  I KNOW it is crazy and irrational. But there it is.  I know exactly where it stems from, I can analyze and understand it all I want- but it is still there.