topiary cats

topiary cats

Monday, June 12, 2017

June

Today is the first day I have been feeling mostly back to normal since Memorial Day weekend  Two weeks ago.

Everything hit me in a big crashing wave over Memorial Day.  Just cumulative life stuff.  It was bad.  And that horrible anxiety chest/solar plexus pain came back...constant and intense. Today is the first day in two weeks I have gotten relief.

My upstairs neighbors were quiet for a while then started BLASTING their stupid party music...three days in a row....that was a week ago.
I spoke with the landlord.
The piano next door is still a huge bother.
There is stuff I have been sifting through about my father which I don't want to write about and it is sad stuff but not new or life-changing.
I lost my desk at work... I got displaced because of new people moving onto the floor.  My awesome sunny wonderful space that I loved so much.  I have a new desk and it is crappy and loud and the location is terrible.

This year in particular I have been really struggling with this awful painful chest anxiety- and it isn't something I can control at all.  Prayer and meditation doesn't help. Yoga doesn't help. Physical activity doesn't help.  Nothing helps.  Even spending time with Rob- nice good times- doesn't even relieve it.  It's just constantly there until it isn't, much like a physical injury which hurts until it doesn't anymore.

I'm at such a loss of how to deal with it, and it lasts for such a long time- weeks.
Constant.

Perhaps I'm just at a point of being completely worn down and I don't have any internal buffering or stamina left.  That happens to bodies physically from trauma/wear, so it makes sense it can happen internally as well. 
I think that is what has happened.

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Daya did amazing at her recital.
We still haven't heard about her pointe shoes and she is miserable.
The girls she is with in dance have not been very nice to her lately.
I hate that she is miserable.
Sometimes she takes her misery out on me and sometimes she looks for connection.

1 comment:

  1. You poor baby. Wish I could take some of that angst and throw it out for you. Big Hugs.

    ReplyDelete

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