Everything is Terrible.
Mom is the reason Everything is Terrible.
Mom is horrible.
Mom is awful.
Life is Terrible.
Usually things with Daya and me are good, and then they aren't.
And when they aren't, they are intensely bad in her perspective.
Eva says she just needs someone to blame when she is upset and that's me because I am closest.
I'm the only one there.
In all honesty I don't think I am a bad parent.
Other people have freely told me everything I am doing wrong, but I still don't think, for the most part, that I am a bad parent.
I can, from the most honest core place inside me, say I really am doing my best.
My greatest weakness is my lack of people and close relationships, especially family.
I'm not dumb enough or egotistical enough to pretend it doesn't matter because it does, and it has effects I just can't do anything about. And so I try and deal with it the best I can.
The truth is that Daya has a lot going for her and I devote quite a lot to her well-being and development. And it is never enough. It is never good enough.
If I can give her 80% of what she wants, it is the End of the World and Everything Is Horrible and Terrible because of that missing 20%.
And that's what she focuses on.
She forgets about everything positive.
The time we spend together.
The stupid jokes we make.
All the times I am there for her and I support her and listen to her.
None of it matters, not one little bit.
Over winter break she was out of school for a week and a half. I also took vacation during that time.
She had a really nice Christmas.
She had a really nice New Years.
Her friend came over.
We went to the movies.
We went shopping together and got a few new things for her room.
I went out painting ONE DAY and she went out that same afternoon to go hang out with her friends.
And Eva asked her how was her winter break and Daya gets the Sulky Face and says, "Mom went out painting and left me alone. There was nothing to do all break and I was bored."
Out of all that, so many nice things that I made a huge effort to give her, so much time spent together, she comes out with Mom went out painting and I was alone and miserable.
She was alone ONE DAY for TWO HOURS before she went out to meet her friend!
Anyone speaking to Daya on her perspective of me and Life in General would think I am pretty much the worst and most negligent parent on the face of the earth.
She is currently miserable because there is a week off from school in February and we aren't going anywhere.
I HAVE NO MONEY TO DO ANYTHING.
DANCE TAKES UP EVERY EXTRA RESOURCE I HAVE AND THEN SOME.
And it isn't enough.
It is never enough and her world is in shambles and it is my fault and she is determined to be miserable no matter what.
It makes me feel worse than garbage.
Maybe I never really stood a chance.
Maybe with my background, maybe with the way my marriage ended, maybe with the circumstance I found myself in, I never stood a chance to get through this successfully.