topiary cats

topiary cats

Friday, January 27, 2017

Tweenage Angst

Everything is Terrible.
Mom is the reason Everything is Terrible.
Mom is horrible.
Mom is awful.
Life is Terrible.

*****
Usually things with Daya and me are good, and then they aren't.
And when they aren't, they are intensely bad in her perspective.
Eva says she just needs someone to blame when she is upset and that's me because I am closest.
I'm the only one there.

In all honesty I don't think I am a bad parent.
Other people have freely told me everything I am doing wrong, but I still don't think, for the most part, that I am a bad parent.

I can, from the most honest core place inside me, say I really am doing my best.

My greatest weakness is my lack of people and close relationships, especially family.
I'm not dumb enough or egotistical enough to pretend it doesn't matter because it does, and it has effects I just can't do anything about. And so I try and deal with it the best I can.

The truth is that Daya has a lot going for her and I devote quite a lot to her well-being and development.  And it is never enough. It is never good enough.

If I can give her 80% of what she wants, it is the End of the World and Everything Is Horrible and Terrible because of that missing 20%.

And that's what she focuses on.
She forgets about everything positive.
The time we spend together.
The stupid jokes we make.
Dance.
All the times I am there for her and I support her and listen to her.

None of it matters, not one little bit.

*****
Over winter break she was out of school for a week and a half.  I also took vacation during that time.
She had a really nice Christmas.
She had a really nice New Years.
Her friend came over.
We went to the movies.
We went shopping together and got a few new things for her room.
I went out painting ONE DAY and she went out that same afternoon to go hang out with her friends.

And Eva asked her how was her winter break and Daya gets the Sulky Face and says, "Mom went out painting and left me alone. There was nothing to do all break and I was bored."

Out of all that, so many nice things that I made a huge effort to give her, so much time spent together, she comes out with Mom went out painting and I was alone and miserable.

She was alone ONE DAY for TWO HOURS before she went out to meet her friend!

Anyone speaking to Daya on her perspective of me and Life in General would think I am pretty much the worst and most negligent parent on the face of the earth.

******
She is currently miserable because there is a week off from school in February and we aren't going anywhere.
I HAVE NO MONEY TO DO ANYTHING.
DANCE TAKES UP EVERY EXTRA RESOURCE I HAVE AND THEN SOME.
And it isn't enough.
It is never enough and her world is in shambles and it is my fault and she is determined to be miserable no matter what.

It makes me feel worse than garbage.

Maybe I never really stood a chance.
Maybe with my background, maybe with the way my marriage ended, maybe with the circumstance I found myself in, I never stood a chance to get through this successfully.

5 comments:

  1. Jessica, you are doing a great job.. I swear teens test us more than almost anything... when my oldest daughter turned 12 I thought who becomes a parent on purpose? They must love being emotionally abused... I swore I would not have another child... I did of course much later, this time I chose to enjoy Valentina through all the younger stages because I knew those tough tween and teen years were on their way. We both do a great deal for our children, you are right, in their eyes we never seem to do enough. They don't learn that and understand it until they are grown and on their own... It is just tough for us to go through it, we will survive and they will grow xox

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  2. Oh girl. You do a great job parenting. It is the "TWEENS" I am telling you. You just have to wear your armor so all that petty crap blinks off. You know in your heart you are doing what she needs. She will know it later. She will appreciate you later.

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  3. I'm so sorry you're going through this. But I hope in your heart of hearts, you know you are giving Daya the best of yourself and that you are a wonderful parent. Sending you virtual hugs. Love you.

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  5. Hi Jessica,

    It's been a long time since I visited your blog. I was browsing my own and came across an older post which I had tagged you in and I thought I'd pop over and 'visit'. It was lovely to see that you still blog and paint.

    Aaron is now 18 but I can identify with a lot of what you have written in this post because I've been through it myself, only with different scenarios. Being a single parent can be tough especially when finances aren't readily available — which is pretty much always the case for me. Times are tough and it can be hard enough just keeping a roof over our head and put food on the table, right?! Aaron can frustrate me at times too, even now, when he will ignore all the things I do for him and hold me responsible when he is bored or wants something he can't have. He seems to believe we have a money tree in the backyard because, in his mind, if he wants something I should be able to whip out some cash and pay for it. Wrong! haha

    Just know that you are doing a great job as a parent and that this is something a lot of teenagers do. It's easy for kids to blame those closest to them because they know we will love them unconditionally regardless. They do appreciate you more when they are older and have to work for themselves and get a dose of the 'real' world. They don't realise how easy they had it until then. All my kids said that reality hit home with them after they left the family nest and had to fend for themselves. Then they appreciated all I had actually done for them. Hang in there...it will get better.

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