topiary cats

topiary cats

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Tentative

Perhaps it is because I have never been a social media addict to begin with, or because I am in lock-down mode...but staying off Facebook is remarkably easy.
I think it may have been more of a mindless habit than anything else. I don't miss it.

Yesterday I still felt continuously bad but today I am feeling better.  The better-ness feels tentative and fragile but I'll take it. I almost want to paint again. I can almost eat again too.

Rob came over for dinner after work yesterday and it was really wonderful having him over. He is kind to me. He is a good presence. And he likes my cooking.  He also drove me to pick up Daya from dance, which was especially nice because it was raining.

Jackie is coming over after work tonight and I'm happy about that. 

*****
It is so hard to get out of a bad fear vibration...such a struggle...I'm trying to just surround myself with calm energy, nothing heavy.  I'm looking for places to go and get higher energy. I need this fragile stability to last.

Daya doesn't like budget cuts even though dance isn't impacted, except I told her only absolutely essential recital dances. She complains because she gets bored, like during school vacations.  But she has to keep realizing her non-essentials budget is already gone.  She gets dance and that is a LOT. It means there are things we can't do because those resources are spent.  And I'm paying off a lot from last year.  And still paying for braces. And freaking out over job stability.

I know she doesn't mean it but sometimes Daya's attitude comes across like nothing is ever enough, or good enough. Or there is always something wrong to complain about. It is really defeating because I'm holding everything up alone in a precarious balance.

A lot of the girls in dance with her are extremely wealthy.
So it seems to her sometimes like everyone gets everything except her.
And some of them do get everything.
As far as I know the other families at the studio are either 2 parent households or both parents are involved somehow. And extended family, too.

(I picked her up from her friend's father's apartment once and ohmygod think luxury penthouse at the height of helicopter flights, The whole place was windows too...and a balcony...I have never seen an apartment like that before, let alone been in one. It made my humble home seem like a hole in the ground.)

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All this has been explained and I get upset when she still keeps asking me for stuff,  I know she doesn't have the perspective and that is ok.  But I don't like the sulkiness.  Maybe all tweens are pre-dis-positioned to act like Everything Is Terrible.

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I'm not going to refill Pebbles' prozac prescription.  She has been on it for a while and it shot up in price.  So I'll wean her off probably next month.

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The Thankful List:
*job
*home
*health- mine and Daya's
*Rob
*Jackie
*Drusilla

3 comments:

  1. You have a fine thankful list. These are the things (people) that count.
    Hold on to your hat. Daya is just entering the tween/teen years. I hate to say but most I have observed are perfectly horrible yet lovable, barely. Including my own little darlings. From 6th grade until she was 24 my daughter acted as though I didn't exist except for "stuff" needed. Oh she had a day here or there that was tolerable. We are now very good friends and can be great companions. So Hang in there. Big hugs.

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  2. I like your thankful list... when things are unsure it is good to write down the good things xox

    As for tweens, they really don't understand money, I have raised two and they are a like. I don't have a great deal of money but I feel like I give my children all that I can as I know you do too Jessica xox

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  3. I'n glad the FB break is doing you good.

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