topiary cats

topiary cats

Thursday, April 14, 2016

There is a Difference

There is a big difference between not being able to go any further, and not wanting to anymore.

And each day gets just a little bit harder until the cumulative effect is too heavy.
But there is nothing to do about it, because you have already tried everything.

It's difficult enough when the people who are, in theory at least, supposed to care definitely do not.
It's ok to not be liked by everyone too. I sure don't like everyone, and not everyone has to like me.

But what is really difficult is when people who DO like you- a lot- by their own words- still have no interest. And that's even worse somehow. It's the same story over and over. A bunch of nothing.

I have such a deep and strong sense that I have no place.
Too often I am seriously wondering "What the hell am I doing here?"
It's nothing new- a lot of it has to do with a complete lack of basic foundational relationships.  I have no idea what having those is like. But these years, it is more than that because I am older. It is the total lack of "sticky" factor in relationships in general..

Especially when people who say outright they really like me don't have interest in sticking around.
What to do with that??

I have no roots. I have tried to root myself but it didn't work.

I'm not afraid to get hurt, I'm just tired of it.
There is a big difference between being afraid and being tired.

Just because you leave the proverbial door open doesn't mean whatever you are inviting will actually show up. And this is not something that can be controlled.
Just because something *can* happen does not mean it *will*, or that it *does*.

I'm exhausted and completely disheartened.
And it's not that I can't anymore, I just really don't want to.


I can, but I don't want to.

3 comments:

  1. :-( Honestly, if someone is THAT uninterested in you and the issues you're dealing with they don't deserve your attention either. Relationships - whether it's between family or friends or lovers - aren't a one-way street. Caring comes from both sides.

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  2. I feel for you Jessica... I think about that same thing... I don't feel like I have that sticky factor either and it eludes me as to why not... yes I have opened up to love... I really don't think it will be romantic love as it doesn't seem to be in the cards for me... I am just going to have to be okay with that... I just don't want to stay stuck anymore. I have roots to a point but not the way I would love... I wonder if I every will.

    I really appreciate that you take your time commenting... I don't like to put a pat answer either... I wear my heart on my sleeve everywhere ... it can hurt you though xox

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