And each day gets just a little bit harder until the cumulative effect is too heavy.
But there is nothing to do about it, because you have already tried everything.
It's difficult enough when the people who are, in theory at least, supposed to care definitely do not.
It's ok to not be liked by everyone too. I sure don't like everyone, and not everyone has to like me.
But what is really difficult is when people who DO like you- a lot- by their own words- still have no interest. And that's even worse somehow. It's the same story over and over. A bunch of nothing.
I have such a deep and strong sense that I have no place.
Too often I am seriously wondering "What the hell am I doing here?"
It's nothing new- a lot of it has to do with a complete lack of basic foundational relationships. I have no idea what having those is like. But these years, it is more than that because I am older. It is the total lack of "sticky" factor in relationships in general..
Especially when people who say outright they really like me don't have interest in sticking around.
What to do with that??
I have no roots. I have tried to root myself but it didn't work.
I'm not afraid to get hurt, I'm just tired of it.
There is a big difference between being afraid and being tired.
Just because you leave the proverbial door open doesn't mean whatever you are inviting will actually show up. And this is not something that can be controlled.
Just because something *can* happen does not mean it *will*, or that it *does*.
I'm exhausted and completely disheartened.
And it's not that I can't anymore, I just really don't want to.
I can, but I don't want to.