I have felt ambivalent about writing a post on the state of things lately. Not sure why, perhaps lack of will to do it. I don't know. It's hard to care these days.
In a nutshell, I am not doing well. I'm not even close to being ok. It's not really apparent from outward appearances. For too many years I have been running on empty, and I have finally reached that point when the engine can't manage anymore. But I have no choice, I still have to survive and take care of a child and be functional. I don't know what comes next.
I dread waking up in the morning and having to get through yet another day.
Over the last 20- yes, TWENTY!! years- I have been consciously and actively working on myself, my life, to create positive change.
I have done all the right things.
I have done some wrong things, too.
But honestly, nothing very horrific.
And yet, I have been unsuccessful in creating a good positive present life.
Through the years I have never encountered anyone with as few people-resources as me.
I have no bank of major positive experiences.
At best, my experiences have been bad.
At worst, they have been traumatic.
There is no balance.
For years I have been aware of a very high level of background stress. It just runs in the background whether or not I think about it. It has everything to do with raising a child completely alone. I have no backup, no buffer in the event of emergency or misfortune. It is like travelling on a very narrow snowy mountain road with no guardrail. I am always aware of that brink.
It is also very sad to have no one to share the joys of Daya's childhood with.
It is indescribably lonely.
I know for a fact it affects Daya, makes her sad.
But there is nothing I can do about it.\
I failed, on every level.
Sometimes life shapes us in ways we cannot control despite our best efforts. And then we can't care anymore because there's just not much of anything left.
I really don't want to be here anymore.
The irony of that is I'm really freaked out about what would happen to Daya if something did happen to me. I mean, I really, really worry about this. Often.
I have a will, but it needs to be changed as I haven't heard from my sister in years and I don't ever expect to again. I have no one else I would entrust Daya to. There is no one else.
Filling out emergency contact forms stresses me out.
I wish I had known that nothing changes despite all best efforts before I had a kid.
Now there is no escape.
These days my only consolation is that one day really will be the end.
People can say and think what they want, but I would challenge them to live through my life and come out differently. I don't think it's possible, not for lack of trying.
Have compassion for things you don't understand,