topiary cats

topiary cats

Monday, February 22, 2016

Just Reality

I have felt ambivalent about writing a post on the state of things lately. Not sure why, perhaps lack of will to do it.  I don't know.  It's hard to care these days.

In a nutshell, I am not doing well. I'm not even close to being ok. It's not really apparent from outward appearances. For too many years I have been running on empty, and I have finally reached that point when the engine can't manage anymore.  But I have no choice, I still have to survive and take care of a child and be functional. I don't know what comes next.

I dread waking up in the morning and having to get through yet another day.

Over the last 20- yes, TWENTY!! years- I have been consciously and actively working on myself, my life, to create positive change.

I have done all the right things.
I have done some wrong things, too.
But honestly, nothing very horrific.

And yet, I have been unsuccessful in creating a good positive present life.
Through the years I have never encountered anyone with as few people-resources as me.

I have no bank of major positive experiences.
At best, my experiences have been bad.
At worst, they have been traumatic.
There is no balance.

For years I have been aware of a very high level of background stress.  It just runs in the background whether or not  I think about it.  It has everything to do with raising a child completely alone. I have no backup, no buffer in the event of emergency or misfortune.  It is like travelling on a very narrow snowy mountain road with no guardrail. I am always aware of that brink.

It is also very sad to have no one to share the joys of Daya's childhood with.
It is indescribably lonely.
I know for a fact it affects Daya, makes her sad.
But there is nothing I can do about it.\
I tried.
I failed, on every level.

********
Sometimes life shapes us in ways we cannot control despite our best efforts. And then we can't care anymore because there's just not much of anything left.

I really don't want to be here anymore.

The irony of that is I'm really freaked out about what would happen to Daya if something did happen to me. I mean, I really, really worry about this. Often.

I have a will, but it needs to be changed as I haven't heard from my sister in years and I don't ever expect to again.  I have no one else I would entrust Daya to. There is no one else.
Filling out emergency contact forms stresses me out.

I wish I had known that nothing changes despite all best efforts before I had a kid.
Now there is no escape.

These days my only consolation is that one day really will be the end.

********
People can say and think what they want, but I would challenge them to live through my life and come out differently. I don't think it's possible, not for lack of trying.

*******
Have compassion for things you don't understand,

4 comments:

  1. Well I for one am very happy that Daya exists because it sounds like without her you'd just give up... :-( :-( I'm so sorry you feel this hopeless and sad. And I don't know you or your situation well enough to know what might help or at least improve things for you a bit.

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  2. Jess, I for one understand how you feel... thankfully my oldest daughter would take Valentina if something were to happen to me. However; I totally get the sadness and loneliness. .. the getting up each day when I'd rather not. Wondering where the energy is going to come from to keep moving. Not understanding how I got to where I am without my dreams... I'm happy you have Daya and I'm grateful I have Valentina even though it's so very hard. (I wanted to be able to give one of my children a good father, I feel like I failed them both)... ♡

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  3. Failure??? You are one of the most successful women I know.
    I hope you can get some help from a professional since you have worked on these feelings and cannot resolve issues satisfactorily. You deserve some peace. You are good, you are kind, you are important, you are loved.

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  4. It sounds like you are depressed and need professional help. What if you went to see your doctor and explained the problem? They should be able to refer you to a professional who will help you find back to your happiness and zest for life. It's very hard to deal with depression on your own -- you need a professional who knows how you are thinking. I don't know you, but we all have great things about ourselves that are worth millions. Just by reading some of the posts on your blog I know you are an extremely talented writer, you are a good mother to Daya (you teach her how to become an independent, well-balanced woman, which is invaluable), you are a good cook (that Japanese rice roll!) and you are a wonderful artist (your butterfly could be sold on postcards). That is more talent than many other people have to show for in a lifetime. You've just got to get back your groove and for that you need other people's help, not solitude (talking from experience, as a very independent person who think I can do everything by myself). Btw do they have the concept Adopt a grandparent where you live, like they do in other US cities? Could that be something for you and Daya, to create a family?

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