topiary cats

topiary cats

Sunday, December 06, 2015

What Would I Say?

My amazing, beautiful, and wonderful friend Joss Rossiter (Soulbrush) posted a status update on Facebook the other day.  She had a rough time growing up, but she wanted to tell her younger self that things get better.

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I often think of what I would tell my right-now self to my young-self.

It's not good, to be honest.
I would have to be honest and tell my younger self that it doesn't get better, no matter what.
It isn't worth it.
It goes from bad to worse then back to bad.
It truly isn't worth it, things do not change no matter what, no matter how much work you put into trying to make things better.
Hope and faith pointless. They only serve to self-soothe and cope by denying current reality.

I wish I knew that 20 years ago.

All those questions that, back then, I wanted to ask my future self- well the answer to them is "Nope, it isn't going to happen. It doesn't get better."

I don't know what I would have- or even could have done differently with the knowledge ad resources I had.  I don't look back and regret decisions for the most part. Because I don't know what I would change them to. What, at those times, I could have changed those decisions to.

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NOTE: This has nothing to do with Daya. She's fine. I maintain everything she needs. This is about my own personal journey. Daya is not responsible for me. She is growing up and will have her own life. Her life is as separate or buffered from my past and present issues as it can be.

Also, again not about Daya- my personal journey of parenting has been incredibly crappy and deeply sad on all the adult levels except work. It has nothing to do with Daya and it is not because of her.

3 comments:

  1. I find myself curious, Jessica. In the best of all possible worlds, what would your life be like insstead of what it is? How would your journey be different?

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  2. Jessica, I grateful that I can't talk to my younger self... she had hope to get her through... I wouldn't want to take that from her. I agree with you that it never seems to get better, part of me holds on to the hope that it will, if I didn't I'm not sure I could go on.... ♡

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  3. You need to let go of your rotten past. Don't let it spoil your present and future. You have so much to look forward to. Don't look back. I say this because this is how I dealt with my past. It worked for me. That is all I can say.

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