topiary cats

topiary cats

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

"Vanilla" Blogging- Notsomuch Here

Huh.  I didn't even know that was a thing.

I learned that vanilla blogging is when people try to make their lives look perfect and they only write/show nice pretty happy things.

Yeah, notsomuch here! LOL

I wonder what flavor my blog would be.
Tea-flavored, probably.

So, Launna wrote about self-dialogue and self esteem.
I describe self esteem simply as being friends with yourself.

I am great friends with myself. My internal dialogue is not harsh, or judgmental.  I am kind to myself. Nice. I treat myself the way I want to be treated by others. That doesn't always work out- with how others treat me- but I'm still nice to myself at all times because I know I am doing my best and I have been through a lot. A whole lot.

This, actually, is one of the reasons I am so fed up with everything.

Because I am doing everything right and it doesn't change my balance from negative experiences with other people into positive ones. I can't seem to cross over even into neutral territory. Basically, I lose important people year after year and no one else shows up.

Things I am doing right:
*My self-esteem/inner dialogue is always positive and has been for YEARS
*I take care of myself regarding good diet, outward appearance, enough sleep
*I pursue interests and things I like such as my art, blog, yoga, meditation
*I am more than willing to break out of/expand my comfort zone.
*I have a good stable job and I am financially responsible
*My apartment is clean and organized
*My child and animals are all happy and healthy

And yet, none of it actually matters.

Because despite how far I have come, the strength I posses, what I come from and have come through, and all that I maintain, nothing in my outer world really changes. I lose people- important people- year after year and there isn't anything I can do about it.

The right people don't show up at all for me. In fact, the wrong people don't show up either!
No one shows up.

I am so sick and tired of everything and there are many moments in many days when I can't wait until it is all over. It's just not worth it. I get through because I have to but mostly it is all pretty hopeless.

It is worth mentioning that, while feeling deeply bleak isn't, of course, optimal, in my opinion it is much better to be bleak in NYC than in the middle of nowhere. At least here a person can go be bleak at the Met, or the Cloisters, or the cathedral, or by the river, or secluded in nature, too. We do have that. The Botanical Gardens. The Bronx River. The parks. A short ride on Metro-North. Or just walking, floating around the city. It doesn't matter where you go, or if you just walk to nowhere, without purpose. It doesn't even matter where you end up.


  1. I'm sorry that you are still feeling so hopeless and defeated but glad you are still continuing to take advantage of all the wonderful things the city has to offer, even if they only provide momentary relief from what is paining you.

  2. It makes me so sad that despite you being good to yourself and taking good care of yourself you're still so unhappy :-( I know you can't FORCE happiness, but I truly hope that in 2016 something or someone will come alone that will make you feel happy.

  3. You know Jessica, I do feel like you, I feel like I do the right things, I am kind to other people, I don't judge, I am thoughtful... Yet I continue to lose people too... no one shows up for me either... it is sad and disappointing but lately I have figured that maybe I am the only one that can be there for me and that I will just have to be enough.

    I do hope that everything changes for us and that things get better... I think we both need a break... my inner dialogue is getting better, I agree we have to be nice to ourselves... xox

  4. Jessica,

    You are such a dear. Thank you for stopping by my blog and leaving such an honest comment. I am so glad I had the opportunity to come back to your blog and read about you. I know exactly how you feel... alone.

    Yes, I often feel alone. And lame. Books are my friends. TV shows/Movies are my entertainment. And Fashion and Shopping are some of my hobbies to pass the time. None of those are real people... while I do have friends, I can still understand where you are coming from...because I often still find myself feeling very alone. People get too busy. Or too whatever... and it's obvious that you are not a priority. It's not a good feeling.

    But friends can come and go... especially as we get older...busier...and our interests change... and you're right, not all of them are replaced. But do not give up on establishing bonds with people. There are still many of whom you have not yet met.

    I hope you and I can become blogger friends!!

    Have a wonderful holiday...and keep being a good person. Never change that. Ever!

    All the Cute
    Recent Post: Pink Shimmer

  5. Tea. Definitely tea. Well brewed.

  6. This is the first time I've visited your blog and I found it via Besos from America. Your post made me want to write a note and cheer you up. Also, I've got to tell you that I laughed out loud when reading your final paragraph about NYC being a great city to feel bleak in! This comment shows that you've still got your sense of humour, so everything isn't lost.

    I recently went through a terrible period in my life where I was burnt out, off sick for almost a year (crying the first month, feeling a knot in my stomach and unable to sleep for the next four, then slowly rebuilding my stamina and self worth for the remainder) and have still not got a new job. After falling so hard I decided to pursue my dream to get a job in fashion, but that hasn't been a walk in the park. Now I've decided to get any kind of well paid jo and pursue my dream in a less direct way.

    What I want to say with my story is that you should never give up! You have lots of interest, so join groups and organisations that share these interests, take an active part and talk to people (you've got to put yourself out there, ref SATC,) and new friends will come. Yes, it will take time, but baby steps is the way to go. When I moved to Oslo to pursue my fashion dream, I searched and found a friends' group on Facebook. I've been to several of their events and it's so much fun to meet other people who actually want to get to know someone new. Going out to a bar or cafe, most people have enough with themselves and are not in the right mood to bond, but these people are all friendly, all from different walks of life and therefore really interesting to talk to. I'm sure there are similar groups in NYC -- the city's supposed to have it all, isn't it!? ;-)

    Like you I have lots of hobbies that I get so much joy from, but we all need to be around other people as well. They make us feel loved, accepted and a part of someting bigger. The best friends who love you for who you are are there for the long run, so run out there and search for someone new to replace the ones you lost. How about getting to know someone from work? Many of my friends have been my colleagues (I've even been their boss or they've been mine) and we have bonded over shared interests and respect for each other's work ethic. I also started a dinner club to bring together friends and people I knew, whom I'd like to get to know better. Those who turned up have become closer friends, while those who never bothered to come are off future invites. Sharing a meal (and drinks) is a great way to get to know someone better.

    Amber above me writes that friends come and go as we get older and this is so true. I've had to let go of some friends who drained me of energy, and have worked hard to make new friends who are more in tune with my current lifestyle. Since I'm 45 and childless, there were periods when I didn't have much contact with my childrearing friends, but once the kids get older they are better at getting in touch and can talk about something other than children. ;-)

    I hope my thoughts will help you get a strategy for making new friends. We should all be happy and loved, both by ourselves and with/by others. Don't hesitate to get in touch if you want to talk/write further! xoxo Anett


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