topiary cats

topiary cats

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Thoughts with No Title

Last night I went to sleep too early and I'm up too early/too late and I can't get back to sleep.  So I checked my email and saw Carey's response to Laurel.

Jessica is absolutely right--God *does* give us more than we handle. All the time. We are not meant to handle it. He is.

I never did ask Carey what she meant by the statements in her comments, because I had a feeling I already knew what she meant, and as it turns out I was correct.

Believe it or not there are many things I don't write on my blog.  I have a great deal of sacred space that is just between me and god, whatever and however you want to call it. (it = god) There are many things that transcend verbal language, and things that don't need to be and really shouldn't be shared with other people.

No one else can evaluate or judge whether or not I have surrendered, let go, gone with the flow, etc. That is between me and god, and if I have a very serious bone to pick with god, that has nothing to do with surrendering or having an attitude of a catering vending-machine god. This blog is not my whole picture. I do have very specific reasons why I feel betrayed by divine trust. And it isn't something I am going to state on my blog.  It does not make me "wrong" or spiritually lacking, or missing anything, or lacking in gratitude, and it doesn't mean I am deceived by anything.

Besides, "surrender" is not a one-time deal. I do not believe in life being a judgement or test, though we certainly go through learning trials. I'm not going to go into religions, because they are irrelevant to me.

It is one thing to be cloistered, as I have been for many lifetimes, and quite another to be out in society living a mystical life. I am absolutely supposed to be here in NYC; it is not arbitrary or random. The rest of this is between me and god.

In any case, I think Tori Amos has really said it better than I ever could.

God sometimes you just don't come through
                                           -Tori Amos


  1. I don't believe in God or in any power having a say in what happens or doesn't happen to us. I believe that life is a combination of what you make of it and just random stuff happening. A combination of your own doing and pure coincidence. So it's difficult for me to really understand how you're feeling. But I get that you feel let down and disappointed. And I'm sorry you were made to feel this way :-(

  2. Thank you both for responding, I hope I did not offend anyone. As someone raised as a Catholic, and a Ukranian Orthodox one at that, I of course lack the knowledge and understanding or other spirituality, as Catholicism and religious education was so black and white in my life. Despite my upbringing, I am not a spiritual person.

    Again, I hope my curiosity about your faith hasn't caused offence - that was certainly not my intention.

  3. You are in my thoughts. Just sending some love along.

  4. Don't know you all that long or very well yet Jessica but sending warm thoughts and some hugs your way.

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    1. Oh! I love you too Carey and I am not upset at all! <3


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