topiary cats

topiary cats

Tuesday, November 10, 2015


Throughout my whole life I have been a very spiritually-oriented person.

Not religious.  In general, I am not a fan of any organized religions or "tribes", as they divide people into "us" and "them". I have no desire or need for religion.

But I have always been very spiritual, and this is something I have explored on very deep levels in many different ways.

And at this point in my life, I am in a place where I actually feel spiritually betrayed. And betrayed is exactly the right word.

I acknowledge that I have received spiritual assistance and protection in the past. And it isn't that I have a belief of some kind of vending-machine godforce: insert prayer, request delivered. God is not a vending machine here to fulfill our requests.

But I have lost my trust.
There is a saying that God doesn't give you more than you can handle.
I disagree. I really do.

Yes, happiness is a choice but it is also true that there are things which are important no matter who you are.

And I have freaking done my homework and then some.
But it doesn't actually matter.

I have no answers and the guidance which has found me has proven to be wrong.

Sometimes it is difficult to put into words concepts or experiences which transcend the limitations of verbal and written communication.

I used to trust, hope, and believe despite anything and everything. And it seems that all my life events have been staged to prove me wrong, over and over and over, over too many years.

And it isn't that I don't believe in a godforce; it is that I feel betrayed by it.
This doesn't change my nature of who I am as a person, but as directly as I can say this, I don't trust God anymore.  I believe in it, I just don't trust it. Not anymore. And that sucks but that's where I am.
I do not trust divine guidance anymore.

I was asked the question if someone came to me asking for guidance, being in the place I am in, what would I say to them?

My answer: "There are no guarantees of anything in life, you just have to get through day to day the best you can." And then I would advise them to talk to someone else.

That is what I would do.

I do think positive mindsets, good advice, hope, faith, prayer, etc are good and useful for others.
But for some reason they don't work for my life.
I don't know why.
All I get are dead ends and a bunch of nothing, in the present, no matter what.


  1. I am not a very spiritual person. But I guess it might be because I haven't had enough hardship in my life to really think the way you do. And I'm grateful for that. I am grateful to just be happy. But I can see why certain things can change you as a person and make you see things differently and think about things that you didn't even think about before.

  2. I hear your frustration and pain. I have always been amazed at how you can express yourself here. You do a very good job. God never gives up on you. He is always there even when you can't pray or hear him. Hope, faith, prayer...patience, peace.

  3. Sad. :(

    So much I want to say, could say, won't say here, etc, but....honestly, I do think you are missing something vital in all of this, a very necessary key, and that is why you are where you are. But it can't be given by anyone here, and it most definitely cannot be *taken* by you... So, my heart very deeply goes out to you and I will hold the hope that you cannot. <3

  4. Carey, I have read the exchanges and posts between yourself and Jessica for some time now. If possible, can you explain the 'very necessary key' statement? I won't reply, I just wanted a clarification for my own knowledge, to understand the spiritual dynamic and difference(?) between you both. I hope you can reply. :)

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  5. I'm normally a lurker.

    I don't know what happened to lead you to where you are today to have written and shared this post, Jessica P, but you have expressed exactly how I have felt for the last five years. It has been confusing to me, to still believe but not trust. But now that you've spelled out that *that* is what I've been feeling, it at least makes some sense to me now.

    Thank you for sharing this.
    You have made a sad girl sitting alone on a bench feel less alone.


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