topiary cats

topiary cats

Sunday, November 01, 2015

Nutshell(s)

Ok, so in a nutshell, This is what happened.

I'm not looking for interpretation or analysis, I'm just stating some events which happened in my life. Events which make me sad. They would make anyone sad.

*****

In 2013 Daya's class made father's day cards the Friday before father's day. Daya has no father figure, so she made a card for her grandfather, my father.  She worked hard on it and was extremely proud of it and excited.  I had absolutely nothing to do with it, I didn't even know about it until she brought it home. I have never told her or encouraged her to do anything for my father for father's day.

Long story short, I sent the card and my stepmother thought it was inappropriate for Daya to have made a card for my father. My father said not to worry about it, though he gave the spiel about things being on time. Even though I explained she made it that Friday, there was no way we could have gotten it to him on time... etc etc etc. Also, I DID acknowledge my father on Father's Day.

My stepmother called me and ripped me apart--- it was bad. She acknowledged how I try and try to have a relationship with them but all I do is embarrass myself because I am ignorant.  Repeat that several times with emphasis.

She ripped me open and all the stuff that was inside me since I was a small child came out in a huge flood.  She knew what she was doing and even invited me to respond. Said it was ok if I never wanted to speak to her again.

I was really messed up for a long time after that call, and I decided to bypass my stepmother and get directly to my father, and I wrote a letter expressing my feelings. And it wasn't all bad, just me reaching out and expressing a lot of hurt I have been holding for so long. It took me two weeks.

My father and I remain distant but cordial but my stepmother dumped me. And because of that I am not allowed to visit. That's what happened.

*****
I have had a lot of trauma in my life.  From very early childhood, teenage years, and also as an adult.
The people I come from were never glad to have me around.  My mother openly admitted- several times- from when I was a teenager on- that she doesn't like me. My sister told me she hated me when we were growing up. No surprises there. That was a dynamic my mother taught her- they got along ok for the mot part. And it wasn't because of anything I did, it was just because I was there.

So it has been up to me to find a stable existence.  In many ways I have done that. I messed up a lot. Really badly. But I am doing the best I can, the best I know how to do.

But as far as people go, it just seems like I can never get a break.

You know what really stinks?  When your father says to you, "Yes, I understand that you have no one, I understand that I am your only family, I understand you are raising a child completely by yourself, I understand you get lonely and are having a hard time- but- yeah, sorry, too bad, good luck with that. But that doesn't mean I don't care. Oh, also, the counselors said your sister was the one who would have problems we would have to watch out for."

People say all kinds of things and call it something else to disguise it.

It is what it is. And it doesn't get better.

6 comments:

  1. I wish Peace for you.

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  2. It makes me very sad that you've had so much hurt in your life. I can only hope that, while it has not happened yet, you are healing. You should be aware that, for someone who has a despicable family, you yourself are doing an AMAZING job parenting.

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  3. Ugh, it seems like the past few days have been really rough, I'm so sorry :-(

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  5. Jessica, I understand where you are coming from... I was raised by a step mother who was so abusive physically and emotionally. When I grew up and away from her I look back and know she was weak and insecure. I think it's terrible what your father did to Daya and you about the card... that says more about him then you is so many ways.

    To me it looks like you are a good mom... althogh I made mistakes I was a much better mother than what I was taught. That means you and I are stronger than the weak people in our lives.

    I also understand lonliness... I wish I handled it better... I hope the right people come into your life and help to take the lonliness away xox ♡

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  6. Whao! That is terrible, had no idea you had one of those situations in your life. Mine was very similar BTW. This story will have it's outcomes and believe me, mine was not good! Just keep up the excellent work (keep your distance) and peace will be there soon. What I do know is that it forced me to find some kind of balance through personal and artistic work. And, today I say I am very happy (I still live alone, a result from that awfulness, very difficult to feel intimate) and I look forward to everyday. Meditate and "smile" a lot is part of the secret.

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