topiary cats

topiary cats

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Time Capsules

Launna wrote this in a recent post:

"memories of a time I believed in dreams 
that never came to pass"

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There is so much I used to believe in that I don't believe in anymore.  I couldn't even if I wanted to. A lot of that is due to just growing up. A lot of it is due to life experiences.

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I have been going through my storage bins, where stuff from over the years has ended up. There are about eight bins, containing the last bits of things that needed to be gone through and either kept or discarded.  These bins are where a lot of unsorted items ended up through moving, life changes, etc. They are all pre-Daya. I also found 4 different NY state IDs going back in time through various points back to my first apartment.

The bins were like little time capsules, Going through them was like going back in time.  One bin held junk- literally junk- papers and things- from when I was married/with my ex. All happily trashed. Another was from my witchy coven days, and seminary. Then college.

That's about as far back in time as I go, with a few random exceptions.  Everything from before college that I kept is in my mother's hoarded-out house.  I don't expect to ever go back there, and that's fine. So while it would be fun to show Daya my old school yearbooks and things like that, it isn't possible so it isn't worth dwelling on.

There was a lot I forgot about. And probably even more that has been permanently forgotten with no reminders remaining. To be honest, there is nothing worth keeping from those periods in my life so it doesn't matter.

It's so strange how the stages of my life have definite starts and ends, with little-to-no overlap.  Even with people. Connecticut, Georgia, college, coven/seminary, the ex, and now raising a child alone. The people who have been with me the longest at this point are my rat-friends, Cathy and Drusilla, who I met in 2001.

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I never really had Life Plans. There were things I wanted, things I wanted to do. I have pursued some interests, but otherwise my life has been a matter of trying to be ok, trying to learn how to be ok, not being ok, and surviving.  I have gone from too many very scary weird negative circumstances to neutral and stable, for which I am still grateful. Stability is very important to me. I am the only one who can be counted on for my stability.

As far as Life Plans going forward, I just have to stay afloat. There is a lot I have just given up on. There is a lot of hope I have lost, mostly concerning other people and things changing for the better. I do wish my life was different in that regard, but there is no sense dwelling on the impossible. I don't know what else I can do.

3 comments:

  1. I don't really hang on to stuff like that... Maybe I'm a bit extreme like that but a while ago I even thought about just getting rid of my old photo albums, just because I'm not that attached to them. My man vetoed against it though and said I was being cold-hearted, lol.

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  2. We all shed what we don't need eventually. I even got rid of lots of old photo albums. Mainly I gave them to my daughter whose life they seemed to portray the most. Of course my son's life was portrayed there too it is just that he isn't in a place in his life to have anything much that he would like to have as a keepsake. I took pictures like a demon when my kids were little. I had few of my own young life. I guess I thought I was doing my children a favor. Those pictures I thought were so important are in bins in a storage place. ha... It has taken me a long time to not worry about "stuff". We don't need much stuff. Peace, Tranquility, Contentment, we need.

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  3. I desperately need to throw stuff away... I have too many things that are just holding me back... unfortunately my youngest is a pack rat and no matter how much I want to throw out... she wants to save it. She is supposed to be visiting her sister this summer for a month and I plan to do a total over haul... I know we will both enjoy things a lot more without all the excess things that hold us back xox

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