topiary cats

topiary cats

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Ancient

I have mentioned before that birthdays are rather like cat puke. And so it goes, today is another one.

What a crappy year.
That doesn't mean I lack gratitude, but it's also ok to say something is crappy if it is.
How often do we deny ourselves the space to feel a certain way because it isn't how we "should" feel?

Besides, it is possible to feel more than one thing at a time, and have awareness.

This year, from last birthday to this birthday, has been awful.
It is the 10 year anniversary of an awful time.

Events in the present have made it awful.
I do not appreciate the timing.

I dislike my birthday. It reminds me of how little celebration there has been in my life, and about my life. It reminds me that the people who are supposed to care really don't. And it has been so for a very long time. It will not change.

Today reminds me of all the sadness I have accumulated throughout my entire life. And then when I think it is finally over, it isn't. It has not gotten better, no matter what I do. I want to be numb but I'm not.

Being completely truthful, I just don't want to be here anymore.
Enough is enough.
But I have Daya to look after, so I'm stuck. Trapped.

*****

A diamond has no worth or value if no one wants it.

*****
I feel ancient inside.  Thousands and thousands of years old. I have lived too many lifetimes.
Outside, I don't look ancient.  People who know nothing about me routinely guess I am in my early- to mid- twenties.

So I look very young but I feel so deeply ancient.


6 comments:

  1. :-( It makes me very sad to see you feel this way. Don't get me wrong, I don't like birthdays either and every year it just gets worse and worse, but in the end I do feel very happy and blessed and looking back I think my life has been pretty great so far. It makes me sad that you don't feel that way and wouldn't even want to be here anymore if it wasn't for Daya :-( :-( I don't know what exactly happened in your life to take away your happiness like that, but whatever it is I hope that you can soon find some of your lost happiness back. You seem like such a great person and I hate to see you unhappy like this.

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  2. Puke out all that negativity. Get it out of your system. Let go and let God. Happy Birthday anyway. Kiss and make up said it so eloquently. Lots of Love and positive thoughts coming your way. BIG Hugs.

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  3. Oh Jessica, I have to say I feel the same a lot of the time... I think if I didn't have Valentina I would have given up a long time ago.. this made me cry... we both need to learn our own worth somehow, sometimes I feel like I find it and then boom it is gone again. It has only been 2+ years for me... To be totally honest, I would take every awful, horrible thing in my life up until two years ago to not have gone through what I did 2 years ago... I have dealt with a lot of pain and none of it was as painful as what I lost two years ago.

    I don't know what happen 10 years ago, I am going to have to read some of your entries... I honestly hope it gets better and that you can enjoy a birthday in the future... I am so grateful to have met you through the blog world, I am sending hugs and telling you I am so grateful you have Daya... xox

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  4. Happy Birthday dearest Jessica! You gave me a picture a few years ago and it is still up in a prominent place in my studio. You wrote on that picture: "Incredible 'Creative Life Force' flows through me!".. it is so beautiful this piece. I read it often and think of you.
    Life does get very tough at times but it's the gems like this one that you need to remember and savor, then life tastes a bit better. I am giving you a bite of that treat you sent me and hopefully this birthday isn't so awful. You have many gifts within and they are treasures.
    BTW: Interesting the name of your precious daughter "DAY A", so it is day at a time our life.
    Happy Birthday Miss Wonderful! So happy to see you still have the blog!
    Love You!

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    1. Another Happy Birthday! That is so I can get notifications from you. Thanks for visiting me.

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