topiary cats

topiary cats

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Waning

I have been keeping my blog light, mostly because I'm so internally burnt-out I really can't do any kind of Deep Thought. The days fold over each other and stack up behind me, and I just have to get through them one at a time.

This year has been awful, plain and simple. Awful to the point where I have finally decided that having any hope for the things I always wanted to find or experience in my own life has no point or purpose. It is the closure of a decade, in which life has proved many things to me beyond a shadow of doubt, despite my efforts to bring in positive change. Over and over.

I don't even want very much and I am not high maintenance.

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Raising a child over the last 10 years has, in and of itself, proven to me in a way that nothing else possibly could, that the people who should care- who are, by default, supposed to care, and the other people who say they care- really truly don't. That point has really been driven home, in many ways, on many levels. Repeatedly.

I already know that I have no control over other people. I don't want to control others. It isn't possible to make people care. If they don't, it is best to just look at that honestly and not pretend it is otherwise. I don't want to be around people who think of me as an obligation or a burden.

I'm too old to indulge in fantasy-thinking, except where painting is concerned. Thank goodness I can paint; if not for that, I really don't think I would be around today writing this blog post.

Life presents facts and circumstance which need to be evaluated realistically and truthfully. I really don't know why my life has unfolded as it has; but at this point I just don't see anything else for my life other than raising Daya, going to work, and hopefully painting when I can. What I have lost is any hope and aspiration beyond that.

I could write the book on Positive Thinking; in general it is excellent advice, but it really hasn't worked out too well for me.  Neither has negative thinking. It's hard to see others get their miracles after their hardships when the same does not apply to my own life; this no longer gives me hope. Especially not after the last three years.

As much as I want others to have joy, and I am very genuinely happy for others' happiness, I wish some of that joy would come my way, too.

However, I have discovered that it doesn't really matter what I do or what I think, the results are always the same. It doesn't matter. So why expend the energy.

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It is true that I have covered tremendous distance, broken away from things which needed to be broken. Daya has started well ahead of where I ever was.

Daya's life will certainly turn out better than mine. It already has. She has a good stable foundation. Small, but stable. I have to be for her what I never had. There are a lot of things that have been passed to me through generations that end with me. There are patterns that end with me; she is free of them. She never has to hold them, or even have to know about them.

So she has a better chance than I ever really did.

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Today is my sister's birthday. She is 13 months older. We haven't spoken in years. Since her hostility towards me has always been so very deeply ingrained- and encouraged- since I was born, I am ok with that. It isn't something I think she really can ever change. Even if she wanted to. Sometimes I still think about her though. I always loved my sister. But I don't need that closely-bound deep hostility. I don't know if I will ever hear from her again, and I don't even know if that makes me sad, or not.

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If someone wants to have another person in their life, values the relationship, they will show it.  Act like it. People do what they want to do. That is the bottom line, all the time. If someone does not value a relationship, it will fail eventually, no matter who it is.

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Nancy is coming to visit me tonight.  She will be here until Wednesday.  It will be good to have some company, as i have felt very isolated lately.

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No NYC picture.  I will make up for it next week.

6 comments:

  1. Aw, hun :-( I wish you got the joy and happiness that you deserve. I actually do believe that positive thinking can help one with things better. I'm not saying that it can prevent bad things from happening to good people, but I do believe that if you choose to wake up feeling positive and throw yourself at life with a smile some things will be easier.

    Hopefully having company for a few days will help you feel better. X

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  2. I hope you get some much needed rest. Be proud of your little world. Be happy there too. Namaste.

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  3. Jessica, I do know where you are coming from... almost 2 years ago my whole world fell apart and it was almost more than I could bear.. I couldn't sleep for over 9 months other than an hour here and there... I began to wonder where the joy was... I am generally a positive person but I could not see anything good. Writing and walking were my outlets, thankfully I had those two things and I still do... I don't want to think about where I would or wouldn't be without them. A couple of weeks ago, it changed... and I have no idea how or why... I hope I keep moving forward on this path and hopefully feel some of the good and positive things in life... I hope you do too... xox

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  4. I've been reading this blog for a few years, after first finding you via WetCanvas. I've read every entry you've made, and actually spent a few days re-reading the entirety of your journal last year. I don't think I have ever commented before, but I have wanted to. I have a great deal of admiration, respect and also empathy for you. You and I are of a similar age, have similar family estrangements, and have both had our child under difficult circumstances. We are also introverted old souls who adore oil painting, art supplies, and cats. Our differences are that I don't work right now, my son is five, and I live in a small industrial port city on the other side of the world. Also, I am not spiritual. I was raised as an Roman Catholic, but married an Atheist. I read your spiritual posts with interest.
    It must be so tough for you in regard to what you have been through with friends and family. It's hard to understand where people are coming from, and why they do what they do, and why they entangle others. I have had similar negative experiences and now my only friends now are a couple of local artists I socialise with once a week, and they are all on either side of 60. I wonder if it is even possible to make new friends at our age? I've found I make acquaintances, but honestly, most people I encounter I have no desire to be 'friends' with. I'm choosy, and I accept that. Too many people I know have no inner or outer creative life...how can they ever understand what makes artists tick?
    Your posts have always struck a chord with me, but your recent postings have really drawn me to respond. You're doing a marvellous job with your daughter, I enjoy reading your posts about what you get up to together.
    I know you are overdue for your own desires in life, and I very much hope that you one day encounter someone worthy of yourself and Daya. Good thoughts to you.

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  5. Sorry I actually missed this one yesterday. You are a strong beautiful person, deserving of love and respect. I can only hope that in the future you will encounter more people who see that as clearly as I can. Hugs.

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  6. Okay, so I'm going to inbox you with my thoughts. Look out for an email from me.

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Thanks for stopping by! I love your comments! :) <3