topiary cats

topiary cats

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Ghost Days (PRT)

These are such strange days.

Any kind of heavy focus or thinking is just not possible for me right now. Not for lack of trying.
I feel so unconnected to pretty much everything, except Daya and doing what needs to be done for her.

Unconnected, not disconnected.  "Disconnected" implies a connection, even if it is broken. Unconnected has no connection.  I would like to be connected, but I don't know how, and my attempts to build community, through the years, have failed.

Coincidentally, Anna Rose Bain just wrote about this yesterday on her blog about re-establishing community:

As a natural introvert, that thought was rather scary.

You see, community doesn’t always come naturally to artists. We are accustomed to spending long hours alone in the studio or field. We screen our phone calls, preferring to answer by email (IF we have energy for it, and on our own time!). 

But we all need community, and I mean, the kind where you get together in real life and draw from a model, or visit a museum show together, or grab coffee and talk about Sargent.

******
This year, this summer in particular, I am thinking about things I don't normally think about. Because it is 10 years. Ten years ago I was pregnant with Daya, in that summer of horror.  I was coping alone then, I also lost a best friend ten years ago- the one I confided in about what was going on in my marriage.

It has been a long time and I have come a long way- I have worked REALLY HARD to come this far- but my ghosts are haunting me badly this year. Still. They don't scare me but they do make me sad.  It seems that the work I have done doesn't matter.

*******
Daya is doing exceptionally well. In general, the two of us get along very well. We have a harmonious home. She starts fifth grade next month- one more elementary year before another fairly major transition.  This has been a long, difficult, lonely road.  I have to keep going.

*******
Oddly, Daya hasn't been wanting to go out on weekends for a while, which I might have already mentioned. So we are doing the apartment re-org.  We are in that switch-over phase where she is still a kid, but there is a lot she has outgrown.  Clothes, toys, books. So together we are going through everything and donating quite a lot.  She has done very well in her room; I want her to go through the process so she can learn to make these decisions. Keep, trash, donate. She has done well and I tell her so.

We aren't done yet but my entire apartment is in good order.  I like being home without having to be anywhere at any certain time. I can be slow and still get a lot done.

*******
I have been painting.  Yesterday I spent a few hours painting...but finishing anything is slow going. My mental focus is just not there.

******
I am eager for 2015 to be over.  I know where I have been, I know where I am, but I have no idea where I am going. Re-establishing is relatively easy with a baby.  New moms are always looking for new mom friends. I am not there anymore, and as much as I do need to re-establish somewhere, at this point in my life it won't be as easy as it was 10 years ago.  And I lack the energy and will to re-start, again. So I'm just staying where I am for now, floating around.

I feel cast-off.

So, I am just going to float through these ghost days.  I have no real direction, but I don't care anymore.

3 comments:

  1. We all go through these times. Hopefully you will soon see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is good that you are using this time constructively. Getting your living quarters revamped and organized can be such a boost.
    Keep seeking out friends. They will come into your life. You will need them during the terrible teens.

    ReplyDelete
  2. To be honest I found it exceptionally hard to make friends as a new mum. And I didn't really want to. Now that I am back to work everything is a lot easier.

    Linda, Libra, Loca: Beauty, Baby and Backpacking

    ReplyDelete
  3. I know how you feel. I have found it difficult to meet people, especially since I left the city. I'm seeing some turnaround because I've been putting myself in more social situations to meet people. It's been hit and miss, though. I know if I was still in the city we'd be hanging out! A friend of mine kept encouraging me to be social and find meetups and other group activities. I am pretty introverted at times so this was a real challenge for me, but I'm glad I'm doing it. I just kept trying and slowly I am building more of a community for myself. My invitation to visit down here is still, and always will be, open because I know we'd have a good time. Good luck, but I know how you feel. But it takes some pushing and prodding to meet people. Also, nurturing old relationships isn't a bad idea either. I've found that after some time apart I've gone back to old friendships and rekindled them...not all, but some. Time sometimes heals.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for stopping by! I love your comments! :) <3