topiary cats

topiary cats

Friday, August 28, 2015

Alone-Space (PRT)

So, I am once again at a point in life where I need to re-establish myself local-socially, which I have previously mentioned. This has been a year of immense unexpected loss. I find myself back in this space of no-connection, again.

Although I am not shy, I am a classic introvert. Being in a group of people, especially people I don't know, basically makes my skin crawl and I can't wait to go home. It drains me. Several times through the years, life circumstance has required for me to go seek community, go out and make new friends from scratch.  I have done it, several times, over many years, life stages, communities.

And now I find myself in that position again.  And it is absolutely the LAST thing I want to do. I have been given the advice to go find groups, meetups, etc, go out and meet new people (not referring to your comment Fran), and THAT IS THE VERY LAST THING I WANT TO DO- to once again go out among a bunch of strangers and find new people.

I have done it before.  It goes against my nature, but I have done it. I spent years laying groundwork, building relationships, only to have them all fail, time and time again.  So this advice makes me unreasonably and irrationally angry.  Not because it is necessarily bad advice, but it is not good advice for me. Not anymore. I am depleted, exhausted, and basically sick of everything when it comes to people.  It all ends in one bad experience after another. Enough is enough.

And I am taking care of a child who has no one but me.

No matter what I do, who I am as a person, how loyal a friend I am, how deeply I love, what I look like, the work I have done, none of it matters one bit. The end result is always the same. I am not afraid; I'm just TIRED AND DONE. I have no more energy for it.  My well is dry; I am depleted.

People who are not introverts truly do not understand; they do not understand the massive amount of energy it takes.  Energy which I do not have any more.

I have lost heart.
I admit defeat.
I have been through too much, through too many years.
That hope I have always had for positive change concerning people in my life is just gone.
The hope I had for good, positive, loving people entering into my life is just gone.
There is only so much a person can take, time after time, again and again, year after year.
I reached my limit.

Through the years, I have given a true and deep effort to find genuine connection to other people, and it has failed every single time. On every level. I am too old and too tired.

This leaves me in a situation to which I do not know the solution. "Go out and meet new people" is a LOT easier said than done, and I resent being told to do that for the reasons I have already stated. NYC is not an easy social scene to begin with.

So I don't know.  All I can do is endure day-to-day. While that is, obviously, not the ideal way to live life, I don't know what else to do.  I do not know how to resolve this horrible life pattern. But I definitely do not want to be told "Go out and join groups and meet new people", as unreasonable as that might sound.

2 comments:

  1. Maybe this is a time to be alone. Try to relax and enjoy yourself and Daya. Do what makes you happy. Someone will come into your life when you least expect it. Be open. Be patient. Enjoy the weekend. Namaste.

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  2. Anonymous9:11 PM

    Boy, can I identify with you! I've decided that this time is given for me to learn something about myself and until I do, the same results will occur. So I've doubled my prayer time and live each day paying attention to how I can positively help another without being concerned about my loneliness. I like myself so much better!

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