topiary cats

topiary cats

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Hermit

A few years ago I got this book on tarot that a friend recommended. In it is an exercise to find your card which represents your life path. I did the exercise and added up the numbers and looked up the corresponding information...and it came as absolutely no surprise that The Hermit is my card. It makes absolute perfect sense.

It is something I fight against and embrace at the same time.
I hate it, but I can see it for the gift that it is.

Sometimes it is such a very heavy crushing burden.
Sometimes it is the most liberating and wonderful thing in the universe.


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In the last five years alone I have found myself at the end of broken connections that are very permanently final. My mother, my sister, my stepmother, three best friends. I am not close with my father; he has other priorities in his life. We are cordially distant. It is what it is. I have no other family. My friends are dropping away one by one. New connections are not taking hold.

How to explain it? How to see the reasoning? How to make sense of it?
I could internalize it- which I admit, I have done, who wouldn't?- what is wrong with me, why does this keep happening etc etc? This is a normal human reaction.

But alongside the human reaction I can look for a spiritual answer, which is where I know the Truth really lies. It is the only thing which brings a measure of comfort. Carey mentioned a devotional which made her think of me. I had the same thing repeating itself in the back of my mind, so when she mentioned it there was no real surprise.

It is spiritual endurance. And it is ^&%$&;$*^&$$%;ing difficult!!! 
But I'll do it, though sometimes ungraciously.  I might get there protesting, but I get there. I will always choose a spiritual path above all else. When something is so.... abnormal- there has to be a spiritual reason.

Everything is spiritual practice.

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Carey sent me this note:
Here is that devotional, by Oswald Chambers.  It's a short one, maybe even the shortest one in my whole book, but I think that may be because the message is so very powerful and direct.  It's a reliance on God and God only that we all need the most in life.

The Price of the Vision

"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord..." (Isaiah 6:1)

Our soul's personal history with God is often an account of the death of our heroes.  Over and over again God has to remove our friends to put Himself in their place, and that is when we falter, fail, and become discouraged.  Let me think about this personally--when the person died who represented for me all that God was, did I give up on everything in life?  Did I become ill or disheartened?  Or did I do as Isaiah did and see the Lord?

What  need is God's surgical procedure--His use of external circumstances to bring about internal purification.

Your priorities must be God first, God second, and God third, until your life is continually face to face with God and no one else is taken into account whatsoever.  Your prayer will then be, "In all the world there is no one but You, dear God; there is no one but You.

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Since I have prayed about recent events, I have to acknowledge the hand of god in this stripping away. It is the only thing that makes any sense whatsoever. It is the only comfort. It is the only way forward.

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Where I am heading: More and more, I am coming into an awareness of walking through this life journey softly. Gently. Having a gentle spirit. Living a gentle life. Compassion. Endurance. Life is fleeting; the soul is eternal. Divine order vs human order.

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My new mantra, for real:  "Ok, God."
It is not easy. Actually it is really, really difficult but what else is there?
It is an ongoing practice.

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I cannot help hoping that in this lifetime, this theme will become unnecessary, or will end, but no matter what- this is where I end up and it really seems completely out of my hands.

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear that you have so many broken ties with family and friends :-( Then again, maybe there's a reason that you're not close to these people (anymore). I don't know, maybe that's just my way of feeling better about it, but I believe that the people who are meant to be in your life will always be there.

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  2. Sometimes you have to become a hermit to figure out life. God is the answer.

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