topiary cats

topiary cats

Friday, May 15, 2015

Internal

Carey said something in this post:


It's more than I am wont to share to begin with, 
honestly, as I am so extremely internal.

Me too. Oh, me too!

This blog, and sometimes my paintings, are my inside-out.  It is really ironic that I write internal stuff and it is out there publicly. Because I am such a private person, and I am so deeply internal.  I think about this, and wonder.

Perhaps this blog is somehow my balance to that.  Maybe on some level it is my way of being brave in a way which I find to be very scary and facing that fear. That fear of internal exposure. Sometimes it does make me nervous.  But truly, I'm not scared of very much these days.  I have Perspective.

These are the things I fear most:

*A health crisis, either mine or Daya's
*Losing my job.  Even though I get regular job offers/leads through LinkedIn, and I have not looked for new employment for the last nine (9) years- but I really like my job and I want to stay.
*Physical disability/dismemberment
*Going blind

As far as the usual fears people have, I'm not really afraid of dying, except that it would put Daya in a very bad place. I have paperwork in place but.....well, there are some issues there and I have to change it but I don't know what to change it to..... So I can't die. At least not until Daya is an adult.

Public speaking doesn't bother me; I used to do that for my job.
Being alone doesn't bother me. I am always ok alone.  That does have its scary challenges, particularly with a young child involved, but being alone in and of itself does not scare me one bit. 

Well, that is as internal as it gets.

********
Card today: Golden Palace (upright)


My interpretation: Attaining reward at the end of a long journey/struggle/effort.  That Golden Palace does not look like an easy place to get to.  But it does look worth getting to.  Efforts and struggle being worthwhile, end of a long journey, rewards for efforts, light at the end of the tunnel, struggles and hardships coming to positive end.

Booklet says: 'There is always enough" Good fortune, ambitions fulfilled, emotional fulfillment, a time of happiness that is long-overdue, material gain, tangible rewards.  Self worth is not what you have, it is what you are.

I quite like this card.

2 comments:

  1. I am always surprised how you can express so many personal things on this format. Most all that is internal in me stays there.

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  2. Yes, life is full of ironies.

    I actually don't necessarily *mind* sharing my internal...but it bugs me when I do and no one gets it, which tends to be most of the time. So usually I see no point to it. I also don't really need much in the way of commiseration from most people...I need it from a select few whom I know can understand a portion of me.

    I am very selective in my groups. Groups are still important because I need places to reach out to others, in order to be available to them, but I don't feel much craving for the opposite...though we all need that from time to time, too. (Yay for my neighbors who cleaned up my yard!)

    I am usually very happy to be by myself...though at the moment, that is taking on a different meaning than usual that does not make me happy. *sigh*

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