topiary cats

topiary cats

Monday, March 02, 2015

Fighting Alone

Daya turns 10 later this year.  In general, this is a milestone year in a few ways- my blog turns 10, Daya turns 10. This year marks 20 years I have been in NYC.  I will be 9 years at my current job...but mostly, Daya turns 10 and I have been documenting this journey more or less for 10 years.

And I have been fighting almost constantly to get through.  I don't mean fighting in the sense of conflict.  It has been a real fight just to get through each day.  There have been times when I literally have to take it second by second.  Those seconds turn into minutes, which turn into hours, days, weeks, months.....years.

Ten years.

I have been fighting to get through alone now for almost ten years.  I don't want to be alone but that's just how life turned out.  I have no family support and no financial help. .  I haven't met a man that I really connect with who also wants to move forward together.   I'm completely winging it when it comes to parenting

This is just a statement of circumstance- I don't feel sorry for myself.  Fighting alone for so long has made me very strong and has brought many lessons. But it is something I also have to be very conscious about, because it has engaged and honed the aggressive part of my personality.  While I am a peaceful person in general and interpersonal conflict upsets me greatly (something I am overly sensitive to), I do have that sharp aggressive side.  I have needed it, but I also have to be careful with it. It is my machete clearing a path through the jungle.  It has worked well.  I have had to fight through some really awful circumstances alone. And I have done well so far.

I fight my way through because I have no other choice.  I am carrying a huge amount of weight and responsibility by myself.  However, I feel a deep need for balance, which is really the whole point of this entry.  By circumstance, I have had to be very yang.

What I need is the space and circumstance to be yin, to explore that more.  The yin is something I do consciously honor and work with, but I want to experience it more predominately in my lifestyle, to live yin, if that makes any sense.

I am not sure how to do that.

1 comment:

  1. This too will come. Then you will wonder at how time flies. I wish you peace.


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