topiary cats

topiary cats

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Furiouser and Furiouser

I don't get Really Angry often at all.  It takes a lot.  Sure, I get annoyed, irritated- but it passes quickly.  But Really Angry...smoldering simmering Real Deal Angry- that takes a lot.

And I am smoldering simmering angry.  It is a slow anger. It is moving slowly.  I am processing all of this very slowly. I will let this move through me and then I will release it and Move On.

I want to keep loving people- to stay soft- not have a hard heart.  That is a huge challenge when people repeatedly- intentionally- lie, betray, and take advantage.

Mistakes happen, we all have our issues, shortcomings, challenges, etc.  That is all fine. I will forgive or overlook a LOT.  But deliberate shadiness, broken promises, complete disregard and dishonesty- that is a whole different matter altogether.  I desperately want to have a different experience with someone, because I believe it must be possible even though life proves me wrong again and again.

I have to keep believing it is possible.

Because I don't want to lose my capacity to love and trust- which is never something I do lightly to begin with- so the only option is to keep trying and remember my Lessons Learned.

Actions say everything.  Words without corresponding actions are useless.  I know when someone doesn't really care, isn't interested, doesn't  value our relationship.  And yet I still keep trying, because I want it to work, because I care very deeply. And because I still keep hope, until I just cannot anymore. If people care they will act like it.  And if they don't, they won't.  And I don't need any more people that don't care.

I'm just trying so hard right now to not be downhearted, dispirited, and negative.  I'm trying so hard not to see people as one disappointment after another. Because it is true that I have some amazing friends, and I will focus on them.

And hope I meet someone else, some day, who is really capable of true integrity. Who truly values me as much as I would truly value them.  Someone who values loyalty.  It is a rare thing. I have to believe it exists.

I am so, so deeply tired.

One of the Reiki principles states:

"Just for today I will not anger."

In general, that is good and solid.  It applies to a lot- minor life irritations, stupid people, your kids, work, situations out of your control, the state of the world in general, not taking things personally...however- sometimes Anger just needs to happen. It needs its space.  Repressing things is no good.  It will make you sick.  Sometimes you just have to let Anger flow through you.  Don't let it drive for you and take over, but let it be a passenger and honor it, allow it, if that is what it needs.  And it will run its course.

Image by sanjayaisland


  1. If this is what I think it is, your anger is justified. I think you are right, you have to work through it. But don't be angry with yourself for being angry. And good people and loyalty do exist Maybe not as much as it should but it's out there. I hope you can find yourself on the other side of this experience still with faith hope and love. I am confident that you will.

  2. Thanks Dru...yes it is what you think it is.


  3. Aw, you are right...anger needs a place just like anything. <3 I admire your desire to have a soft heart...most people don't even realize how hard theirs gets, and it is *very* hard to avoid the hardening in this world. So so hard.

    Couple of thoughts for, um, thinking...deliberate brokenness can still come from the less deliberate brokenness. It can be harder to accept and forgive, but we *all* do stupid things on purpose. Some are more practiced at justifying things, and some things are worse than others in how they affect others, but we all have this capacity and exercise it, even if we refuse to acknowledge it. We all also have particular buttons that DO NOT like to be pushed. Combining the two is one of the nasty parts of life... Not saying this necessarily to get you out of this particular situation; I just had the thought and had to share.

    Also, lessons learned in one place are not always applicable to all other places. Which is why we can eventually go on and hope and trust, even when we feel we can't or shouldn't.

    We will always be disappointed in this life. It is the brokenness of the world. Even the best of intentions get left. But we can believe in things all the same because there *are* those bright spots and moments that show True Reality. :) <3


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