topiary cats

topiary cats

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Stacks of Horrid Drivel

I started keeping journals in high school. I never had a passion for writing (and I still do not) but keeping a journal has literally been lifesaving.  I started automatic writing when a guest speaker came in and introduced my art class to The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron.  Every day (mostly) for years I did my three pages of automatic writing. (My morning pages)  It is a form of meditation.

Occasionally I still revert to paper journals or my sketchbook.  But most of my personal writing is here now.

Writing stuff down, especially automatic writing, is such a simple yet powerful thing to do.  It is a fantastic way to empty yourself out, to get all that mental and emotional junk out.  We are filled with so many things in every day, in life in general- we have to empty ourselves continually.

One of my biggest fears in high school (and college...and maybe for several years after that...) was dying and someone finding and reading my journals!  Gasp! Horrors!  As if anyone would have the patience to decipher my handwriting. As if anyone would really want to do that.  Back then I would have been stunned to know I write personal things and other people can read it!  And it is true that there is some very personal stuff on this blog!  It's ironic because I am a very private person.  I value my privacy and I respect others' privacy. I don't often share really personal stuff with people.  Not unless I feel a very good connection with them. There are many things on this blog that I don't talk about at all with anyone.

Writing- especially automatic writing- gives me the space to sort myself out and also very directly and honestly look at and give voice to anything in my mind and heart.  If you are not truly honest with yourself, how can you be honest with anyone else?

One day perhaps Daya will read my blog, when she is older, and know me a little better through it.  A side of me, a perspective that she really doesn't know. It is a nice record to have, especially because I tend to forget a lot of stuff.

Here is a journal snippet from 1996, my first year in college! I have a lot of journals, mostly filled with angst and complete nonsense.  It's not interesting, it's not a good record, it's not profound, it's not memorable, it's a bunch of utter drivel. I wish I documented college better than I did.  But it helped me cope in a way nothing else could have.  It served its purpose.

One day I probably should throw them all in a bonfire.

No one would want to decipher this rot.

I'm realizing that I wrote the above entry almost 19 years ago.  How the hell did THAT happen!

I need to go faint now.

4 comments:

  1. I find your handwriting both elegant and legible, silly girl!

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  2. That's because I showed a nice page LOL

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  3. I have snippets of journals that I started years ago that are purely drivel. Ha... I have some journals that do give a bit of insight into my life. I have read them and then remembered things I had forgotten. I have read things that I had to forget again. I have a terrible memory and it is only getting worse as I grow older. I wish I had written about my children more when they were young. I miss them so. They both live away from me. Different towns, different states. Sigh~~

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  4. Lol! The time just keeps flying by, sadly. I have tried to write in a journal, and I just can't think of anything to write. Its weird. I need to read someone else's to see how its done...no lie!!!!

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