topiary cats

topiary cats

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Livid

I am absolutely LIVID at my child today.  That lovely bratty stunt she pulled at the bus stop this morning is NOT impressive.  So I went home and took all her electronic devices to work with me.  HAHA little surprise when she gets home from school.....

Don't fuck around with your mother, kid.

***********

Sharon had something nice to say this morning:




Quoting for emphasis:

If you do not intend to bring something positive to my life, feel free to remove yourself...no hard feelings.

If you are staying, let's rock out!

Monday, September 29, 2014

Another Monday

It is Monday again...I am making excellent progress on feeling better.  It takes a real concentrated mental effort but I'm starting to see results.

This week brings in October, and it is also the last full week i have to work for the rest of the year!  With all my vacation time saved up, I will be taking off all Fridays.

So I need to get some more panels as I am running out.....


Saturday, September 27, 2014

Overwhelmed

I'm supposed to go to a BBQ today with my friends and all i want to do is stay home and hide from the world.  Everything is too much and overwhelming.

I don't know how long it will take me to feel right, but it does not seem like it will be today.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Some Thoughts This Morning

It has been said many times that thoughts create reality, and by changing our thoughts we change our life, And also the wisdom of if you remain the same you will always get the same out of life, or however the saying goes.

Part of our spiritual journey though life, I believe, is the willingness to change, embrace new experiences, battle fear with love, better ourselves, and undo old habits and patterns that are negative or no longer serve us.

So I want an answer to this:

When one takes a risk, believes in positive outcomes and positive change, and is willing to act on it despite the fear, and all that happens is a huge nasty slap in the face, how am I supposed to believe anything different than my already over-reinforced beliefs based on life experiences?

How am I supposed to trust that all is well and life is working for a higher good? How am I supposed to trust and believe in anything except my own experiences?

Because the overwhelming message I am getting is that letting my guard down is a very bad idea, that being closed off and self-protected is really the only way to go.

I don't even trust God right now, I suppose that is pretty much exactly opposite of what is right, that we are supposed to trust more during difficult moments, but I need a break already, from everything.  It is too much. Perhaps I am too sensitive but that is my nature and that's how God made me.

I feel very deeply, for better or for worse.  Though I am far from perfect- or even acceptable- I honestly do consciously try my best- but- ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ALREADY.


I am calling bullshit on this, thinking and doing differently still gets you exactly what you have always gotten!

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Always the Same

I am just so damn sick and tired.......of absolutely everything.




Monday, September 22, 2014

A Perfect Definition

I have been looking for a good simple definition of unconditional love for years...especially in the time several years ago when I was trying to sort it out.

Here it is!

“Regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.” 

From this excellent short article.

Isn't that lovely?

Friday, September 19, 2014

Not Worried

Here is this article:

ISIS Targets Times Square

I work right in Times Square, in a building that is often a target because of the company I work for (news).
My manager spoke to me the other day about this and asked me for my perspective.

My perspective is that I am not worried about it.  Is it a potential threat?  Yes.  Do I work in a potentially high-risk target area?  Yes.  But for the last 8 1/2 years I have been aware of this.  It is just a fact of working in Times Square.  And I was present (and accounted for) on 9/11.  I watched the second tower come down in person with my own two eyes.

My response to all of it is that I refuse to live in fear.  It doesn't mean that I throw caution to the wind, but I have to live my life too.  There is nothing I can personally do about ISIS, and I still have to come to work.

I will be where I am meant to be in the right times, that is what I must have faith in.  I prefer to save my fear for things like water bugs.

(I should put a picture of a water bug in here but I can't bear to...)

Thursday, September 18, 2014

The Dream of Life

Lately the days feel like a dream where I am just floating through.  Despite schedule requirements, each day feels exactly the same- bands of repetitiveness.  My motivation for anything other than the basic required tasks of each day is basically nonexistent.

The air is changing and this weekend we move into Autumn, which is usually an invigorating time for me. Perhaps my painting mojo will reappear...it made a brief entrance and I would really like it to come back and stay for a while.


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

This Explains Everything

Seriously.  Everything.  Although to be fair I do like my iPhone very much.

*********

http://themindunleashed.org/2014/08/9-signs-youre-old-soul.html

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? ~ Satchel Paige
There is a special kind of person in our world who finds himself alone and isolated, almost since birth.
His solitary existence isn’t from a preference or an antisocial temperament – he is simply old.  Old in heart, old in mind and old in soul, this person is an old soul who finds his outlook on life vastly different and more matured than those around him.  As a result, the old soul lives his life internally, walking his own solitary path while the rest around him flock to follow another.  Perhaps you’ve experienced this in your own life, or have witnessed it in another person?  If so, this article is dedicated to you, in hopes that you will come to define yourself, or understand another better.

THE “OLD SOUL”

Robert Frost, Eckhart Tolle and even Nick Jonas have been called them.  Perhaps even you have?  I did.  Like many of them, this self discovery was made upon meeting Sol, who told me about his childhood as a precocious, intelligent boy who would befriend the teachers instead of the students, just because they were too different from him.  As he related his inability to find interest in and connection to the people his age, I discovered that I felt the same, and still do.
If you have not yet discovered whether you’re an old soul, read some of the revealing signs below.

9 SIGNS YOU’RE AN OLD SOUL

#1. You tend to be a solitary loner.
Because old souls are disinterested in the pursuits and interests of the people in their age groups, they find it dissatisfying to make friends with people they find it hard to relate to.  This is one of the major problems Old Souls experience.  The result is … old souls tend to find themselves alone a lot of the time.  People just don’t cut it for them.
#2. You love knowledge, wisdom and truth.
Yep … this seems a little grandiose and overly noble, but the old soul finds himself naturally gravitating towards the intellectual side of life.  Old souls inherently understand that knowledge is power, wisdom is happiness and truth is freedom, so why not seek after those things?  These pursuits are more meaningful to them than reading up on the latest gossip about Snooki’s latest boyfriend, or the latest football scores.
#3. You’re spiritually inclined.
More emotional old souls tend to have sensitive and spiritual natures.  Overcoming the confines of the ego, seeking enlightenment and fostering love and peace are the main pursuits of these young-in-body Mother Teresa’s.  To them it seems the wisest, most fulfilling use of time.
#4. You understand the transience of life. 
Old souls are frequently plagued with reminders of not only their own mortality, but that of everything and everyone around them.  This makes the old soul wary and at times withdrawn, but wisely dictates the way they live their lives.
#5. You’re thoughtful and introspective.
Old souls tend to think a lot … about everything.  Their ability to reflect and learn from their actions and those of others is their greatest teacher in life.  One reason why old souls feel so old at heart is because they have learnt so many lessons through their own thought processes, and possess so much insight into life situations from their ability to quietly and carefully observe what if going on around them.
#6. You see the bigger picture. 
Rarely do old souls get lost in the superficial details of getting useless degrees, job promotions, boob jobs and bigger TV’s.  Old souls have the tendency to look at life from a birds eye view, seeing what is the most wise and meaningful way to approach life.  When confronted with issues, old souls tend to see them as temporary and passing pains that merely serve to increase the amount of joy felt in the future.  Consequently, old souls tend to have placid, stable natures as a result of their approach to life.
#7. You aren’t materialistic.
Wealth, status, fame, and the latest version of iPhone … they just bore old souls.  The old soul doesn’t see the purpose of pursuing things that can be easily taken away from them.  Additionally, old souls have little time and interest for the short-lived things in life, as they bring little meaning or long lasting fulfillment for them.
#8. You were a strange, socially maladaptive kid.
This is not always the case, but many old souls exhibit odd signs of maturity at young ages.  Often, these children are labelled as being “precocious”, “introverted”, or “rebellious“, failing to fit into the mainstream behaviors.  Usually, these children are extremely inquisitive and intelligent, seeing the purposelessness of many things their teachers, parents and peers say and do, and either passively or aggressively resisting them.  If you can talk to your child like he/she’s an adult – you’ve probably got an old soul on your hands.
#9. You just “feel” old.
Before putting a name to what I felt, I experienced certain sensations of simply being an “old person” inside.  The feelings that accompany being an old soul are usually: a feeling of world wariness, mental tiredness, watchful patience, and detached calmness. Unfortunately, this can often be perceived as being aloof and cold, which is only one of many Old Soul Myths.
Just as some old people describe themselves as being “young at heart”, so too can young people be “old at heart”.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Aletheia Luna ~ ”Introvert”, “Empath”, “Ginger”, I go by many names. Above all, I’m a disciple of this vast, complex and mysterious thing we call life. In other words: I’m a guinea pig of existence – just like you. In this blog, I seek to share with you what I’ve discovered on my own personal journey of awareness, understanding and acceptance of myself and those around me. [More...] [Goodreads Author Profile...] 

Monday, September 15, 2014

Ending Sketchbooks

There are about 10 blank pages left in my sketchbook, which has been neglected for a while.  I used to carry it everywhere with me no matter what.  Today I started doing that again...it will be good for me.

Except that my current book is almost full.  I do have a new one lined up and ready to go, but starting a new sketchbook is always so difficult.  It feels like I am leaving an old comfortable friend.  New sketchbooks feel sterile.  They need to be broken in.

Perhaps I will finish my old sketchbook this week and move on.

Summers are always the worst time of year for me and I will be glad when the Equinox finally happens this weekend.

Maybe it is time for new starts anyhow, with Autumn coming to cool things down after this exceedingly strange and uncomfortable summer.


Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Dear God

Dear God,

I do believe that everything happens for a reason.
I also believe that our thoughts create our reality and we attract according to the intentions we send out.
I believe that love is stronger than fear and will transmute it if love is allowed into places of fear in our hearts.
I believe in a higher universal intelligence and the inter-connectedness of all things.
I believe if we are open and receptive we get our resources and Signs when we need them.

And then sometimes I get really pissed off at You.

Like lately.

WHY disrupt me from my nice bubble of existence, then throw some (admittedly very good) resources at me, just to say "Oh, well, nevermind after all."

If everything happens for a reason, would You please mind explaining it?

Because nothing is making a whole lot of sense right now, it is just making me very sad, and all I want is to go back to my nice bubble of existence where I don't have to worry about certain things. Things I was not looking for, haven't been asking for (lately), things I did not seek out.

So why put me through it? What is the lesson here? What is the point, the purpose? Because as far as I can tell it's not really benefiting anyone. At least not right now. So why now? Please very kindly explain Your divine timing.  I do not like mixed signals.  Not from other people and certainly not from You.

I need some serious help here from You.  You started it, so please finish it.

Unhappily and angrily yours,

J


Monday, September 08, 2014

Life Themes

When I look at my life, and the things that have been elements of my life for as long as I can remember, a few things stand out.  I have always been spiritually inclined, artistically inclined, and solitary.

Sometimes I understand the solitary theme and sometimes I do not.  It has enabled me to grow and develop in ways I don't believe would have been possible otherwise. It has given me a strange kind of freedom.  Whenever there has been a lack of people- accepting family, childhood friends, circumstances as an adult that have left me completely alone- I have turned inward to connect spiritually.  I know what it is like to really, truly need help and not have it.

You learn a lot by being alone. But for me, it really is the only thing I know.  Even when I was married I was alone- though I refused to see it at the time.  I was alone emotionally, I was the only one maintaining the material aspects of life.  I have been alone through all the major transitions of my life.  I am alone raising my child.  There is no one to trust other than myself, and I do trust myself.  I can "do being alone" without thinking.  But it does get lonely.  What more do I have to learn from the solitary part of my existence?  I'm already extremely good at it.  It's too comfortable.

I do not know how to not be alone, and I believe there is quite a lot for me to learn in this respect.  Maybe I want to know what it's like to not be completely solitary.


Spiritual Sadness

I feel very sad.

Which is a bit of a paradox because I have been meditating and in general being pretty connected spiritually. I have been making a very conscious effort to inject positive energy into my daily moments. I am trying to keep my energy from sinking.  It is hard work.

Sometimes it works for a short time.

But my sadness is all my own.  No one has done anything to cause it.  Maybe I just have to hold it for a while, as uncomfortable as that is.

Sometimes it seems I am so close, and then life just slips through past me.  I don't want to be awake most of the time.  I do not understand the big picture.


"A lesson learned, a loving God, and things in their own time- in nothing more do I trust."
-Indigo Girls



Saturday, September 06, 2014

Too Busy...well, ok.

Well, this really does say it all.


Thursday, September 04, 2014

4th Grade

Daya started 4th grade today.  She went to school with blue hair.  Definitely my child.



Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Adjustments

Today is one of those days where I just have no coping patience.  Daya's sulky-bad-mood-attitude-for no reason just is not helping things.  (Update: she just apologized)

 I'm overwhelmed and emotionally just completely exhausted.  My co-worker quit and her last day is next Thursday...so that leaves me flying solo on the NY team, at least for a while.

Also, I am in an in-between energetic state.  I might either have to re-adjust my energy significantly or not at all...there is no telling quite yet.  It's a very unpleasant limbo to be in.  Sometimes the hardest thing in the world to do is nothing.

Fourth grade starts tomorrow.  How I have made it through this far is very truly only by the grace of God.


Tuesday, September 02, 2014

True Love

Dear Chi iron,  I love you madly.  That is all.


Monday, September 01, 2014

It's September thank goodness

Bring on September. I cannot wait until school starts and routine is normal again.

 Lately I struggle with divine timing. How things make perfect sense but then they don't. It is very frustrating to be in this tunnel vision human experience. We can only zoom out our perspective so far. That is why the company we keep is so important. It's really difficult to hold on and remember, we have to keep reminding and supporting each other.

 So anyhow not last week but the week before I went upstate for a couple of days. It was odd the way it happened, the way timing went. But when things present themselves it's sometimes best to go with the flow and see what happens. As it ended up I got a pretty major energy healing and something was fixed, a very old energetic injury that has been bothering me for about 12 years. The healing was an incredibly interesting and colorful experience. I need to speak more with the lady (Nancy) who worked on me.

 Aside from Nancy I found 2 other people. I have discovered that fellow spiritually inclined people recognize each other pretty much instantly and we start speaking on a different level. It's deep, wonderful, and natural. There is a helpful and supportive exchange that occurs. We learn from each other. These encounters can last for a few minutes, hours, or a lifetime...it doesn't really matter. It's something to be thankful for.