topiary cats

topiary cats

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Shut Down

I shut myself down to certain things a long time ago.  It was deliberate and very conscious, and very effective.

I like being shut down.  It makes life a bit more bearable.  There are things I don't want to remember.
This does not change my capacity or ability for anything, it just numbs me out.  Puts me on pause. It's my nice enclosed bubble of life.  And that suits me just fine.

Opening my energy again is just not worth it is there is nothing to open it for, nothing to reciprocate. To be open to....well, nothing there, is too much sadness for me.

I already hold too much sadness.

*******
There are some things I am very good at, some things I'm terrible at, and some things I just go about completely wrong and ungracefully. Although it is true that I can be extremely lazy at times, in some ways I have iron mental discipline. I am very good at that. Going vegetarian over 20 years ago started this.  I can fast with no problem, and I can get people out of my head with ongoing concentrated effort.  When I need to move on I will Move On.  When I need to shut down I will Shut Down.  It's never done lightly.  It's an end-of-the-road survival mechanism.

*******

My wish is for some new, different life lessons.  
Gentle ones.  Positive ones.

I can't take any more emotional trauma, Well I suppose with the exception of parenting Daya and whatever comes along with that, but I hope we can bypass the really heavy stuff.  Even with teenage years approaching.  Which scares me greatly.  How will I get through?

White Artist Tape is my version of duct tape.  I use it for everything. I practically don't leave home without it.  My whole life is held together with it.  My heart is precariously held together with it. It's not that sturdy but it gets the job done.


This is great stuff





2 comments:

  1. You feel things very deeply. It causes a lot of pain. From what I understand, you are just wired this way. I wish it wasn't that way for you! Can you take a trip to the country??? Maybe getting out of the city for a while would help???

    ReplyDelete
  2. Even a state or national park where you could be in nature a while. Tent, cabin, and hike and play amongst the trees, and wind. Let Mother Earth help you to get to a lovely place.

    ReplyDelete

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