topiary cats

topiary cats

Thursday, October 30, 2014

I Can't Pray My Way Through or Around It

I'm really in a quandary lately about things we can and can't control.  And I mean this in the context of our own connections, feelings and reactions.  What we feel.  Feelings that just move themselves in with no invitation. And won't go away.

There is so much talk and emphasis on change your thoughts change your life,  And how we are in control of our reality (true!) thoughts (true!) and actions (true!)-- and having a spiritual solution to every problem.

But what about certain feelings and reactions?  The things we feel and may or may not act upon depending on what is appropriate?  Feelings that are constantly there getting in the way?

I consider myself to be a reasonably mentally and emotionally mature adult.  I am very self-aware.  I am friends with myself.  I have done a LOT of conscious work on myself through the years to get to where I am, and I continue to do this work. 

But what happens when we feel something and no matter what we just cannot make it go away?  I do not understand how I am not in control of this, but it seems like I am not. 

I am used to the mindset that I CAN control my thoughts and reactions, and I recognize when feelings just need to work their way through me in their own time.  And that is ok.   But there are feelings I do not want.  I ignore it, do not feed it, and it just refuses to die.  I actively try to kill it and STILL it refuses to die. I seek spiritual assistance and clarity and yet nothing changes.  How is this possible? This angers me.  Not anger towards myself or another person- more towards God and life in general.

Because there seems to be no point or purpose.  I had a chat with Jenn about it as she has gone through the same thing.  She understands.  She did not see and still does not see the point of her own experience.  Which is incredibly disheartening, but true to life.  She says there are some things even about our own selves that are beyond our control.  And it really sucks.  I don't like that there is an inner state of being about myself that I can't control.  I don't know what to do with this.  It is almost like it is a living thing. I maneuver around it for the most part, but I always feel its presence.

I want it to go away and I don't know how to make it go away or process it or move it out of my energy system.

I need to do a post on conflicting inspiration, guidance, and spiritual messages because they are everywhere.  That might take me a little while to do, as I need to collect various sundries and assemble them.


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