topiary cats

topiary cats

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Mid-Chapter

I think I am going through (*sighs* another) Dark Night of the Soul kind of thing.

My whole life can be prganized into chapters- definite stages of circumstance. And while I am an "appreciate the moment" kind of person, not at all prone to saying or thinking things like "I wish today was Friday" or "I wish the day was over", I can't help wishing that this stage of my life was in the past already.

Wishing life away and rushing through our living moments is not my thing. Each day, each moment, brings us closer to our time of death. And I'm not ready to die. I hope to die at a time when I am ready to go. Now is not that time. So I don't like wishing life away. To me that's like throwing your life away; it goes by fast enough without urging it on, towards the inevitable end.

All the same, I wish I was safely past this period and into my next phase.

Yesterday I went to see my lawyer. She's great, I like her very much. Sometimes I feel a little dumb in there, there's so much to think about, but I've got enough smarts to do what I have to do. It involves having to contact my ex, which I am attempting to do through his parents, as I have no other info. I can only hope (if I can even get a hold of him) that he'll do the right thing for everyone involved and release our daughter of any remaining links to him. I don't feel good about it. It makes me very, very sad. But I want to open the way for her to potentially have a father in the future, should that opportunity arise. Having to go back to this history makes me very, very sad as well. It makes me feel sad and alone. Sad for me that my pregnancy and childbirth was so unhappy, and sad for Daya for being abandoned.

Although I really have nothing to lose with this whole thing, court and the process still scares me. But mostly I am sad about the circumstance- every time I read about or see a man who really loves his child, it suprises me. I get along well with my own father now but my mother did everything she could to kill that relationship and for a long time it worked. So there's a huge gap there, and my younger sister was his replacement for me and my older sister. So, emotionally I am suprised when fathers are involved although in my mind I know my father did everything he could. But he let go; he's even said this to me and my adult mind does not even blame him for it. But as a child I knew it and felt it; nothing had to be said. So, I am still suprised when fathers love their kids.

2 comments:

  1. I can tell you one thing...keep a positive attitude, and all will be well...not only for you, but especially for Daya. I went through this also...and my son got a Dad when he was 6... (my current husband)...and my son is now 25, and he has always been "Dad". My son verbalizes his appreciation for his "Dad", and they have grown together. I am so happy his life turned out so great after his biological father abandoned him.
    Daya will be happy and she will have a wonderful life...I already know that!!! XXXOOO

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  2. I think you're doing the right thing too. It is my firm belief that there is much more to being a father than passing on your genes and DNA. My kids' biological father has never been a father to his kids in the real sense of the word and the kids have no contact with him except for one of my sons (just recently). Around six years ago, the kids won a court battle NOT to see their father. I won't even get started on the father of my youngest child (second marriage).

    It sounds like Daya will be better off without him anyway. I can only imagine your own personal feelings on having to contact him through your lawyer. I hope all goes well for you and Daya. (((Hugs)))

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