topiary cats

topiary cats

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Tuesday

I haven't written much lately but I sure have been thinking a lot.

My current personal challenge is dealng with irritation, mainly my elephant neighbors. I think what annoys me most, other than the noise, is their attitude about it.

They said the landlord threatened eviction, and I think that's not right either. So now I don't know what to do to get them to stop stomping.

Also, I cut my hair and the hardresser got scissor-happy and cut off literally twice as much as I asked her to. She lopped off 8 inches instead of four. So I miss my hair and am still in shock but it doesn't look bad. I'll have it back by summer. She did a very nice job with my highlights though.

So the irritation thing...it's something I really struggle with. And the city makes it worse. I crave silence like a drug. I crave open space. Nature wthout the street a few feet away. The smell of grass. Dew. Looking at the horizon as it fades into the distance with no buildings in sight.

Being irritated makes me feel distant from the bliss of god. I haven't been specifically meditating lately except in my normal thoughts. I believe the reason for this is becasue I was on spiritual overload with so much comng at me in such a short time and I'm just taking a needed break. Or I'm lazy and feel mildly depressed. Or its everything.

And the thumping of the neighbors disturbs my meditation. They are awake very early 4, 5am...I feel a loss of quiet morning solitude. It's affecting me. I feel like I've lost somethng important.

Oh, but I passed my test from the other week!!!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Holy Shit

Re: Dear God post I just made 5 seconds ago...


THANK YOU

!!!

Dear God

Dear God,

I understand and accept that there are some things I am very good at, and some things I am very bad at. That's just fine with me.

I also understand that sometimes in life I will be called to do things that I am very bad at. But...please, why does it have to be algebra? Please help me understand why I still get the answer wrong when I plug all the right numbers in the right places in the right formula...pretty please help me out on ths one.

Because I have a lot of formulas in my near future.

So I need a lot of help. Quickly. The test is on Thursday.

Love and kisses,

J

Friday, January 12, 2007

Solar Plexus

I'm waxing verbose today!

Guess everything is ready to come out.

That uncomfy feeling? It's my solar plexus acting up again. It's nowhere near as bad as it was at this time last year though.

Let me explain. When everything happened and I moved out, something happened to my solar plexus. I don't know if I sustained some sort of metaphysical injury or it was just a manifestation of what I was going through, the fear and insecurity, but I had some really bad pain and discomfort for a long time. I'm not talking at all about physical injury- my chakra was somehow hurt or damaged in the front. And that hurts just as much as physical pain. It took a long time to heal- 7, 8 months.

So my solar plexus hurts now, again. Which explains why it's taking a while to go away.

*******
There's some scary stuff that happened that I never talked about to anyone...it's not the kind of stuff I can really discuss with people. Because its weird-scary stuff.

Things started happening around my apartment when the X started going crazy and being generally evil. I know that he was bringing stuff home, so to speak. Some of it on purpose. Looking back, I should have gotten SO MAD about that, most especially since I was pregnant. Except getting SO MAD would have been dangerous though, and I knew it, which accounts for my exaggerated passivity.

***
My bedroom in 204 had its own bathroom. The mirror over the sink faced out into the bedroom. As a rule, even way before I met the X, I never slept in a room with uncovered mirrors. They are doorways. I knew that. What I never had direct experience with was things coming through them. Something very malicious started coming through that mirror. I was awake and aware of it when it first happened. I felt it. I told the X and he said he'd take care of it. And he sort-of did, except his patch-up solutions never held up for very long. I saw his patch job on the dreamscape. It had hands and patrolling the barrier. But the patch job never held up long, and when things came broke out, they always did right at the 3am hour. I would have those waking dreams about it. The X had a katana that never shut up. Ironically enough, it helped me on more than one occasion. I don't know if any mystical kanji teaching still exists, but kanji can be used very effectively in energy work, much like runes. In lucid dreams, the sword showed me sequences to block the mirror-doorway. It wanted a kanji to seal but I don't have a kanji database in my mind. Eventually I broke the mirror with the sword in the lucid dream state, and things got much better after that.

Then, whatever was trying to get through hit the other mirror in the other bathroom. That was never as much of a problem, though.

**
My cat does not spook easily. One evening I came home from work and found her absolutely stark terrified. Her water dish was always kept in the bathroom in the bedroom, and it was knocked over, very far from its original location. The cat wouldn't go near the bedroom for hours. And she had to be coaxed back in gradually. I still never know what terrified her so.

**
Daya was born on a Wednesday. The Saturday before she was born I was home alone (as usual) . I had been home all day and in the evening went to the kitchen to make dinner. My kitchen sink was filled with bloody water. I was in shock;   Then, with no action from me whatsoever, it drained away.

Fears

I don't know quite why I feel so unsettled inside. It's going away slowly. Very unpleasant. I know it's not premonition and I know everything is ok. I think, pure and simply, its just work-related fear and insecurity. Just part of being human. Part of being a woman in a man's world. Part of being a single mom.

After graduating art school I ended up on Wall Street. Weirdly enough, I ended up doing what I went to school for. And I like that just fine. One of my most personal major milestones was passing my Series 7- with an 82%. (That's the stockbroker's license test.) That, to me, was an accomplishment that told me I can do anything I put my mind to. Because I am not oriented towards the financial markets. And anything beyond basic math scares me. I understand the basic stuff, but afterwards I struggle. I can do it, and I taught it for a few years in the classroom, but it's not my forte. And, I have been away from working directly with the markets for a while, and now I'm back to working more closely with them, as my role is a trainer to our clients, who are financial markets professionals.

Later next week I am taking the first in a series of internal certification tests. I know I'll do fine, but I feel...inadequate. This stuff doesn't come easy to me. Give me oils and pigment load, liners and filberts, turps, color contrasts, glazes, conceptual composition, and I'm in heaven. Algebra? No. And yet, I know there's a connection somewhere. I just might not be very interested in it.

One of my gifts is that I can take two completely unrelated things and draw the simlarities and correlations betwen them. Apparently from the test I took that told me this in the analysis, this is not a common way of thinking. So I need to use this gift to find a way to make the thinking part of this financial markets stuff relevant to me. Cats, I feel like I'm back in high school Algebra!

My spirituality is extremely yin. I crave feminine flow. My personality has a yang imbalance- too much yang. And for whatever reason, and I know for a fact that it wasn't arbitrary, I am here wth the financial markets instead of working for someone like Pixar or in a creative capacity. Perhaps it is preserving my creativity, otherwise I might be tapped out. For sure it would be re-directed and perhaps thinned out. I don't know.

Sound makes geometric dimensional patterns. Fractals. I think perhaps those patterns are different sound waves woven together in some spatial place, but I don't know. I just know that I see them. Sometimes they are planar wth patterns, sometimes in color and sometimes in black and white. I see them often, especially if I am very relaxed and a loud sudden noise happens. And I sometimes see them with music. They are very beautiful. They move and are dynamic. I am absolutely fascinated by them.

I've really diverged from the original intent of this post. So yes, I think I'm just at a low point in my internal cycle, just feeling a bit weak or delicate inside.

What I need to do, and I will as soon as Daya goes back into her own room (have been painting the room, more on that later), is take up my morning meditations again. I feel unfocused and distant. Ready to continue agin. I need it, and I can hear that inner voice of guidance gently helping me. Because of that inner voice, I have started taking daily vitamins and flax seed oil, and I do truly feel so much better physically lately. Now I need my regular spiritual diet and I think that will help this unsettled feeling.

But really, it's ok to be scared as a human sometimes. This world is a scary place. We are delicate creatures, up against constant onslaughts of fear and insecurity. We can die at any time. Or be incapacitated. The most important thing is to remember that we are always taken care of. And I truly believe that the more you actively involve Spirit in your life, the more that energy is able to come to you and help direct your life accordingly. It's a relationship, just like any other. You get from it what you put into it.

Perceptions and Realities

I've been absorbing some stuff for the past few days. I'm still feeling slightly unsteady inside but I know it will pass.

Back on New Year's I mentioned how my intention is to make my inner peace and my external self congruent. I guess that learning process has started. This may prove to be an interesting road.

A few days ago we had performance reviews at work. In this company, part of the review process entails peer review. The bottom line is that you get reviewed on your work, but also on everyone's perception of you. I am used to being a high performer and I did get a very good review. But the truth is that I do not do corporate politics. And unfortunately they're necessary to advance. I do have a direct nature, and I am quiet but usually very friendly. Most of the feedback I got was extremely positive, but some of the negative stuff I found to be very suprising as it's actually quite far off the truth. But I do understand why the perceptions are as they are, and part of that has been my job role and that I haven't had the opportunity to be visible in certain areas. My manager basically summed up my review as being 80% to the next level except for the social schmooze factor.

And the truth is that I am also in a new environment where people don't really know me. I've come through a hell of a lot of change in the past year, and I do think I've done a damn good job of it all. I do not want or expect my co-workers to see or even know about all of it. The truth is that none of them could ever know or understand exactly what I have been through this year. As with everything else, in order to balance everything this year I just do my best. I am carrying a lot of weight. I have been through massive adjustments. Only I can see exactly how well I have handled all of the stress.

The truth is that the social schmooze thing has never been a strong point for me. I am the kind of person who has a few really good friends. I am not a large-scale social person. I hate large parties. Throughout my life I have always been different from everyone around me. And that is something that I am ok with, in fact, glad of. But it does come with a price of being misunderstood. If I am calm, people think I am sad and moody. If I am lively, people think I'm stressed out and high-strung. Also, I am an artist working with financial markets people. There's a big gap right there. My spiritual perspective, I know for a fact, also stands me apart. They don't (and shouldn't) see it, but I do. And I don't know how to say that wthout it having perhaps negative connotations, but it's just true, not a judgement. That doesn't make me or them any better or worse, just different.

Intelligence and personality tests rank me in a very small percentage of the population as well.

The point of all this is that I need to learn how to better understand/be aware of/manage perceptions. Not that those perceptions are bad, but there are certain things I would like to, I guess for lack of a better word, emanate. I also have to wonder how those perceptions would be different if I was a man, because I do have a lot of outwardly male personality traits. And often others don't like to see that in a woman. So what would be perceved as ok for a man is not as ok for a woman.

As an example of something I would like to emanate, I would like to be seen as someone who is kind. Which I generally am. My shadow to that is irritation.

When I was with the X there seemed to be a lot of pressure to be a "correct" spiritual way. For example, being a "peoples' person". Which I'm not, though sometimes I would like to be. It's an interesting paradox, that I'm not really a people person, though I do have a deeply compassionate heart and I enjoy helping people. So I'm learning that my nature doesn't need to be changed in order to be aligned with god. But my ultimate goal is to be a being that emanates pure love to everyone.

The other thing that I know to be true is that we all see ourselves in each other. So, I cannot expect people to see me (or anyone else for that matter) clearly because they are looking through a lense clouded by their own stored pain, issues, self image, insecurities, etc. We can only see ourselves and others to the level of our own understanding. That's just how it is.

What really turns me off though, is petty meanness. People lie all the time. They are false. About things they don't need to lie about, even. My sister and I were talking about this very thing, because one of my perhaps weak points or naivety is that I don't notice it because I am not like that. She is not either, so she understands. I very, very rarely-to-never tell a lie. I prefer dealing with honesty and in honesty. That is something I take seriously to my core. And I don't think it of other people either. And yet, it's all around me. Human meanness and dishonesty is something I really, really dislike. It makes me want to leave humanty and become a monk.

So anyhow, this post has been swimming around in me for a few days now. My heart still feels a little funny, totally unnecessarily I know, but I know this is all learning experience. I sincerely hope and pray for the wisdom of clarity and understanding.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Mental Diets

One of the things having a child did to me was to increase exponentially my sensitivity to hurtful things happening to other people. While I was never insensitive, I was a lot more buffered before.

I sometimes think that I just don't have the heart for this world, for the violence and cruelty. Kindness is such a fundamental thing. We (hopefully) teach our children to share, be nice to people, do unto others, etc. And somehow, we live in an environment that contradicts all these things. Seriously, the nightly news content would be R rated in a movie!

Probably a lot of people will tell me to chill out on a lot of things, and perhaps they're right. But mainstream television, sitcoms...there is so much focus on mean come-backs, sexual references, violence, and shallowness.

I've said it before and I'll say it again- there is nothing funny or entertaining or amusing about people getting hurt. This is nothing new; it's been a part of humanity since we've been around. But I do not want my daughter growing up numbed out to the way people treat each other. I don't want her to say "Mom, it's just a game!" or "Mom, it's not real!" Because that doesn't matter- the concept and images are part of the overall mental diet. And you are what you eat.

The Buddhist concept of Right Association is something that I take very seriously. And I know as a parent that I'll have to find a happy medium, becasue I also cannot and will not raise my daughter in a vacuum. That's just as unhealthy as total exposure. She will need to be able to discern healthy from unhealthy for herself one day.

Many people have commented to me about my raising Daya vegetarian. Some say I'm depriving her. Some say "What if she wants to eat meat when she's older?" If she does, it's her business. Her choice. But while she's under my care, I have made a decision. As she gets older I'll explain to her the basis. If she goes on meat when she's a teenager, she'll just have to cook it herself. End of story.

I do feel children should be educated about the different types of dietary intake- food, sound, and visual. They all affect us. It's just as important to keep the mind healthy as the body. And often, especially in today's world, it's harder to raise kids on a healthy mind-diet with all the mainstream popular stuff. I'm still shocked over what's popular in music...and MTV is soft porn. Holy Cats, I feel so old!

Sometimes this particular area of parenthood scares the crap out of me.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Shout, Ludmilla!

I have somehow managed to misplace (read: lose) my spray bottle of Shout. As anyone with a toddler knows, effective stain removal is an absolute necessity.

It's been days now, and I'm beyond clueless to know where the damn thing went. I looked everywhere (ok, everywhere except where it is, obviously), and there is just no explanation for the disappearance.

This is really annoying. It's annoying simply because I can't find it, not because of the white shirt with chocolate blob on it needing treatment. Unfortunately I tend to get fixated and obsessive/compulsive about finding lost items, so I've been really stewing over this for the past few days.

When I was a kid and things would disappear and I denied involvement (often in truth!), my mother would meanly and sarcastically yell at me that it must have been "the ghost".

Until one day I said the ghost's name was Ludmilla.

She never mentioned the "ghost" again.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Read Me

I'm something of a book fiend.

As a child and into my adult years I was a compulsive reader. A fiction junkie. I read during class, after school, after bedtime, you get the idea. My mother used to punish me by taking away the book I was currently reading. I would always find where she hid it, and finish reading it before she eventually returned it to me.

The past few years I have been reading less. I didn't read much at all when I was married. Now, other than a few books here and there, I read more blogs than anything else, and I miss reading. Miss that addictive compulsion of having to read the damn book until the end, even if it means staying up until 3am. My mind doesn't seem to want to focus as much, or, perhaps I just need a decent novel. The Girlfriend's Guide to Toddlers, while interesting, doesn't hold the same allure. Maybe that's because it's too much like real life.

Good fiction has always been a staple of my mental diet. Which isn't suprising, because I'm a dreamer by nature. I love love love a good story with well-developed characters, interesting personalities and conflicts. Intelligent writing. I've just found reading a little harder to get into lately. Also problematic is that I somehow insist on owning books that I like, and I have way too many as it is. The solution to the book over-population may not be to stop reading though.

My friend gave me a War of the Roses romance novel she loved. I started reading it last night. I do not think I've read a romance novel since those Harlequin novels my friend Marcie and I read in 8th grade. It's ok, I like the historical setting. But the beginning annoyed me and I wanted to yell at a few people for being so ridiculously stupid. Romance novels are too fluffy-dramatic for my taste, but I'll probably finish it because the historical detail is interesting. At the very least I know that I still find romances a bit drippy and shallow.

I want my compulsive reading bug back.

Monday, January 01, 2007