topiary cats

topiary cats

Friday, January 12, 2007

Fears

I don't know quite why I feel so unsettled inside. It's going away slowly. Very unpleasant. I know it's not premonition and I know everything is ok. I think, pure and simply, its just work-related fear and insecurity. Just part of being human. Part of being a woman in a man's world. Part of being a single mom.

After graduating art school I ended up on Wall Street. Weirdly enough, I ended up doing what I went to school for. And I like that just fine. One of my most personal major milestones was passing my Series 7- with an 82%. (That's the stockbroker's license test.) That, to me, was an accomplishment that told me I can do anything I put my mind to. Because I am not oriented towards the financial markets. And anything beyond basic math scares me. I understand the basic stuff, but afterwards I struggle. I can do it, and I taught it for a few years in the classroom, but it's not my forte. And, I have been away from working directly with the markets for a while, and now I'm back to working more closely with them, as my role is a trainer to our clients, who are financial markets professionals.

Later next week I am taking the first in a series of internal certification tests. I know I'll do fine, but I feel...inadequate. This stuff doesn't come easy to me. Give me oils and pigment load, liners and filberts, turps, color contrasts, glazes, conceptual composition, and I'm in heaven. Algebra? No. And yet, I know there's a connection somewhere. I just might not be very interested in it.

One of my gifts is that I can take two completely unrelated things and draw the simlarities and correlations betwen them. Apparently from the test I took that told me this in the analysis, this is not a common way of thinking. So I need to use this gift to find a way to make the thinking part of this financial markets stuff relevant to me. Cats, I feel like I'm back in high school Algebra!

My spirituality is extremely yin. I crave feminine flow. My personality has a yang imbalance- too much yang. And for whatever reason, and I know for a fact that it wasn't arbitrary, I am here wth the financial markets instead of working for someone like Pixar or in a creative capacity. Perhaps it is preserving my creativity, otherwise I might be tapped out. For sure it would be re-directed and perhaps thinned out. I don't know.

Sound makes geometric dimensional patterns. Fractals. I think perhaps those patterns are different sound waves woven together in some spatial place, but I don't know. I just know that I see them. Sometimes they are planar wth patterns, sometimes in color and sometimes in black and white. I see them often, especially if I am very relaxed and a loud sudden noise happens. And I sometimes see them with music. They are very beautiful. They move and are dynamic. I am absolutely fascinated by them.

I've really diverged from the original intent of this post. So yes, I think I'm just at a low point in my internal cycle, just feeling a bit weak or delicate inside.

What I need to do, and I will as soon as Daya goes back into her own room (have been painting the room, more on that later), is take up my morning meditations again. I feel unfocused and distant. Ready to continue agin. I need it, and I can hear that inner voice of guidance gently helping me. Because of that inner voice, I have started taking daily vitamins and flax seed oil, and I do truly feel so much better physically lately. Now I need my regular spiritual diet and I think that will help this unsettled feeling.

But really, it's ok to be scared as a human sometimes. This world is a scary place. We are delicate creatures, up against constant onslaughts of fear and insecurity. We can die at any time. Or be incapacitated. The most important thing is to remember that we are always taken care of. And I truly believe that the more you actively involve Spirit in your life, the more that energy is able to come to you and help direct your life accordingly. It's a relationship, just like any other. You get from it what you put into it.

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