Thursday, November 30, 2006
I have a toddler.
Oh. My. God.
I am very, very scared.
Does this mean I actually (really and truly) have to stick to a routine more involved than waking up at the same time and going to sleep at more or less the same time? And change my bad habits stemming from the laziness acquired from living alone?
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
On the train, I looked out the window at one of the station clocks to check my time. Why did it say 7:36? I seriously thought that the subway people forgot to change the clocks a few weeks ago. But I still had a suspicion...
...that was confirmed when I got to work at exactly 8am. I called the sitter to apologize, they said it was fine but I am so embarassed. On the first day too!!!
Since the new sitter doesn't speak a word of English, I need to remember all of my Spanish.
Here are my words of today:
desempaquetar- to unpack
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Last Thanksgiving was my breaking point. It was one of the most intensely painful days of my life. It was also my 8 day old daughter's first Thanksgiving. Also the last time I spoke with her grandparents.
When we take a leap of faith and jump off a cliff, we grow wings. Spirits come to catch us, but we have to take the initiative to jump. Which is the scariest thing in the world. Perhaps that is why the distance between then and now is so great; I haven't been walking, I have been flying. Sometimes through rain, sometimes soaring through brilliant sun, but this entire year has been such an amazing journey.
So this Thanksgiving, like last year, I am alone again, except it is by choice. My feeling of gratitude is so great, there are no sufficient words.
Thank you, to all the unseen forces that have guided me, helped me, spoken to me, and given me the strength to make it to where I am right now.
Thank you to all of the physical hands that have helped me.
Thank you to my Teachers who never knew they were Teachers.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Often I feel like a complete oddball in mainstream social situations, like with co-workers. To maintain and preserve my spiritual connection and focus over the years, I have felt the need to distance from popular culture. So I just keep my mouth shut, because my framework is so different. I woudn't be able to explain my perspective even if I wanted to. Someone recently told me that finding a similar person in this city is like finding life on another planet. It's so true.
Lately I'm trying to be conscious of the thoughts I project towards others. I'm not silently nice when I'm annoyed, like on the crowded subway and that woman just cannot move her sharp cornered bag in front of her so it doesnt impale the poor soul next to her.
But I'm working on just loving people actively and silently. There is so much nastiness going around and it makes me sad. I really don't want to be a part of it.
I grew up on a steady diet of nasty sarcasm. Both my sister and my mother have very mean, nasty sarcastic streaks. Nasty sarcasm is on my hate list, actually. Yesterday my sister threw some of that nastiness my way in an email, so I just stopped emailing back. I'll get over it and I didn't speak to her about it because I just don't see the point. It's just her own shit she's throwing at me, and I don't want it. But even after all these years, it still stings.
I will NOT miss the Q10 bus though. But I've spoken to a lot of really nice strangers on the bus over this past year, and people know who I am, they recognize me from my daily routine. They like Daya.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Exactly one year ago I was in the hospital with a needle in my spine and an oxygen mask. And huge baby that was STILL stuck underneath my right ribs.
Then, right after 1pm, exactly on her due date, Daya appeared after forcible removal by c-section.
Here she is, exactly one year later, in her mop-head impish glory.
Happy Birthday Booger!
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I've been bad at getting apartment work done the past few days. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, but much of that might account for my morning schedule, which is thankfully only in effect until next Wednesday. It takes me an hour to get to Neashaw's house in the morning. I have been riduculously late to work, and leaving earlier, inexplicably, isn't helping.
My body aches. And I'm going to lunch tomorrow with a guy I met while getting a newspaper. I'd like to be friends but I'm not interested in anything further. I think he is. Even so it's kind of cool that someone asked me out. Whle I was looking less than presentable, no less.
But now for my Very Ugly Confession, which I admit plays a small (but not total) part in my disinterest from the Very Nice Stranger (this is where I wish I had a reader base to get some feedback on this): I am not interested in dating a black man again. That is a very terrible thing because it has racial basis, and is so uncharacteristic of me. It's nothing personal, it's just How I Feel. Illogical as it may be. I just...want distance, not feeling like I'm repeating something. It's too close to where I just came from, even though he is American. And I'm openly done with Africa.
Monday, November 06, 2006
U-Haul rented me a diesel truck with gasoline in it. It died in the middle of Queens Blvd. So after being awake for 20 hours doing hard physical labor, I had to sit in a dead truck for over 3 hours. It was cold. I made them tow it.
I have the best friends in the world, who helped me move my couple-thousand books.
A Chinese fortune cookie told me last night: the attainment of one goal is the starting point to the next. The guide lights on my road are steady, not so far-spaced as they were before.
I feel like I am turning a new page in my life. I am somewhere new. Where he has never been. I have finally moved away from the events of last year and this year. I have a real apartment, a place that I can make a home instead of having an emergency roof over my head.
And...I have a dishwasher!!!
Friday, November 03, 2006
In my most stressed and difficult moments, I take a moment to breathe and ask for help. And that always help appears, in a perfectly orchestrated symphony. I am always in awe when it happens, each and every time, and deeply grateful.
It is an amazing flow to be part of.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
See, I was up at 4am. Woke up from a dream that I was packing, and I thought I was awake. But I wasn't, which means that none of the packing that I did in my dream actually got done. So I was very bummed.
I broke my sugar-free vegan fast with a Lindt White Chocolate truffle. At around 4:10am. Oh sweet Goddess.
Then, because I really did have to come into the office today, I decided I should get dressed. Except I didnt feel like it. So I'm wearing the same (yoga) pants I wore yesterday and a little t-shirt that probably lies just outside the bounds of the dress code. And my old doc maartens. And since I didnt get dressed today, neither did Daya. She's still in her purple fleecy feet pajamas, at the sitter's house.
Some days you just have to do these things.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Today is the last day of my vegan-sugar free month. I think I need to pick a different discipline next time. Not dietary. I can do dietary discipline standing on my head, backwards, with my eyes closed. There's no challenge in it. I have actually maintained my sugar-free status and there is white chocolate in my apartment- the good quality stuff too.
Something with sleep...now that would be hard. I'll take sleep over food any time.