topiary cats

topiary cats

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Terminal Mop-Head

Unmistake-able

I lied before.

I didn't completely say goodbye to that one thing. But I was ready to.

Before I said goodbye to that thing, I got into some serious prayer. I asked for an "unmistakeable physical sign" to tell me yes or no.

Just now I woke up a few minutes ago, just after 3am (from a very strange dream about the ex...and my recently-passed grandmother turning in her grave and it was my fault...oops..) and there was my Sign in very physical evidence right before my eyeballs. It doesnt get any more blatant than that.

I cannot, cannot mistake this in any way. It's just as obvious and direct as, well, getting smacked in the face. So, I wait.

:)

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Things I Regret

1. Not punching the living shit out of the ex the second after I got the epidural shot.
2. Requesting that he was there for the shot in the first place.
3. Not punching the living shit out of the ex at his lovely comments whispered in my ear while they were wheeling me in for my emergency c section.
4. Being nice to that girl right at the start of things, even when I suspected what was happening.

I've been pissed off in the last day or so, probably from dealing with the SCU stuff. What helps me, in some inexplicable way, is knowing there are others out there who have experienced similar things. And I know it could be a lot worse.

***************
I think a lot about the conversation I will have with Daya in a few years.
I think about the letter I will write to her that is to be included with my will and guardianship papers.
I owe her the truth, even if that truth is painful for her to hear.
And she deserves to know my fault in the matter, which was nothing I did to the ex to provoke his behaviour, it was my surrender of my power to him in the first place. I enabled it to happen. That is my fault.

I am trying, really, really trying, to transcend this. But I still get pissed off. I wish it was an overnight process. *sighs*

I officially said goodbye to that other thing.

October brings cleansing. I'm going vegan and sugar-free for the entire month.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Family Court gives me a headache

Yesterday I traipsed my bad self down to family court because I definitely should be getting more in child support.

I don't like it there. The energy is bad, a thick cloud of sadness, anger, fear, impatience, tiredness, and frustration. People pulling energy from everywhere possible. I was really drained afterwards.

Some women sitting near me told me their stories. They had to tell someone, I guess. I am so sad for them.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Forebodings

I keep having dreams about Iran, war with Iran, and US military regime.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Best. Alarm Clock. Ever.

My tiny household awoke at Oh-God Thirty this morning to the sound of my fabulous cat's lengthy process of puking up a hairball six times in six different places.

It was loud enough to wake the baby.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Autumn Equinox

Today is the equinox, when the light and dark hours are equal. The winds have shifted, the autumn chill is in the air.

I love autumn; this is my favourite time of year. It is also traditionally a powerful time for me. I have been dreaming all over the place for the past few nights, after a bit of a lag. This is good. I have also started meditating again daily, which wasn't planned, I just started doing it. My heart area still feels a bit "off", and my internal energy is still low, but I get small short burst here and there. Lately I feel the Goddess presence very strongly.

For the rest of this month I am preparing for October, which is "housecleaning" month- meaning fasting and stuff like that. My preparation mostly includes cleaning small bits of my apartment to have a clean environment to start everythng. This makes me thankful that my place is so tiny- less to clean!

I think I'd like to take a discipline during the month of October, probably dietary. I'm not sure what yet, because I'll be doing a bit of modified fasting. It'll probably have a lot to do with brown rice, lentils, and veggies. Maybe I'll even go vegan for a month.

Let's see what the rest of the year brings. Perhaps this outer limbo I have been in may subside.
That would be nice.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Goddess

I saw the Goddess this morning.

She was kneeling on the subway, speaking. She had a beautiful voice. She was homeless. A 29 year old black women who lost her mother, daughter, and home in a fire 2 years ago. She has been homeless ever since. She was asking for food or anything at all.

I had no money or food to give her, so I just put my hand on her bony shoulder as I left the train. I wish I had something more to give her. A gesture was all I had.

This male-energy world, it's so tough on the heart.

Monday, September 18, 2006

A Little Thing

It's amazing, how when you have a child memories come back that have been long-forgotten. Like pajamas with feet. The smell of baby shampoo.

The day after Daya was born (or the day after that?) a nurse came in to give Daya her first bath. I hadn't smelled the smell of baby shampoo in so many years, but I remembered it like yesterday. That was a very pleasant experience.

I want to give Daya happy memories that she may not even consciously remember, but that will form a deep foundation of a deep sense of contentment, peace, and well-being.

Many people have commented at how unusually happy and peaceful Daya is- she saves her mayhem-self for me. But it is true that she does have an extraordinary temperament. And though some of it is her nature, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have inner serenity (well, most of the time), and I think she picks up on that. Because, for all this year has brought me and what I have come through, I have a pretty low level of stress in general. Sometimes I slip, but then again, we're not meant to be perfect. But I do think that my mindset has a great impact on how Daya feels.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Pregnancy Again?

I very often ask myself the question of if I were to meet a good partner who wanted a child, would I go through it again?

And I honestly don't know. I have spent this year dealing with the loss of my marriage and events leading up to it, and finding myself spiritually again, and just getting through time and taking care of Daya. And being positive and finding my inner happiness. But I really haven't gone too far into the trauma that was the pregnancy and the imprints that time period left in my being.

Pregnancy was not a magical time for me, it was nothing like the way I would have wanted it- a time at the height of my feminine power, psychically connecting with the baby, basking in my womanhood. Being so connected with the Source of life. I have a deep sadness that none of my emotional memories of the pregnancy and birth are positive ones. In many ways, I feel that I actually missed the pregnancy and birth.

So I don't know if I'd do it again. Part of me would like to, to know what it is like to be loved and supported through such a delicate, vulnerable, and amazing time. To not be abandoned. Part of me says no way, and is terrified of body-memories and mind-memories that I know would surface. I know that should I ever breastfeed a child again, I'd also have some very unpleasant body-memories emerge. Even if I should have another child, though, it would never be the same. There is nothing like having your first child- not knowing anything about it, a journey into the unknown. With a second child I'd at least know what the hell I was doing. I feel in a deep way that I was robbed of something, especially because the actions by another were so *deliberately* cruel and calculated. He was planning this.

This particular issue, for me, runs very deep and I'm not actually sure how to heal from it. I've felt out of touch with my feminine energy to begin with, and this most uniquely feminine experience is laced with so much pain. I am still trying to find the celebration in it, the celebration in motherhood. Somehow I missed that, in having to deal with the other things, and I don't know how to connect with it. I need to find a way to make peace with it.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Amazing Symbolic Communications

I swear, either yesterday or today I had underlying thoughts about what has literally just happened.

It's 6:15 pm. I still need to pick up Daya. I stopped home because I went to the post office first, and I'm carrying a bunch of stuff. So I came home to drop it all off.

The entrance to my apartment is an outside door, then a small hallway leading to my apartment. Immediately as I approached to put my key in the door, a rat came out and darted in fromt of me from the left, crossed in front of me and went behind me to the right. (It was an agouti, looked female)

While for most a rat may be a negative sign, for me it is very very positive. And that underlying thought I mentioned was EXACTLY that the rat as a symbol for me would mean something different than it would to others, because I have a personal experience and relationship with rats.

It's vey weird and unusual that a rat would dart out into the open, into the rain TOWARDS me, but that is exactly what happened.

HOW COOL IS THIS.

Inner Children Everywhere

I think there's something to be said about how in the cafeteria for a huge global corporation in the middle of Times Square you can always get Cocoa Puffs for breakfast.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Bad Mom

I don't think I'm really that great at being a mom. I sure do take a lot of shortcuts. I don't do everything I'm supposed to. What I'm not sure about is if it's just my temperament or my circumstance. I really truly don't know.

What happens when Daya gets older? She's the happiest kid in the world right now, but will that stay? And if not, is it my fault?

When I get home from being gone 12 hours a day the very last thing I want to do is any kind of housework. Or work of any sort. That's bad. it would be hard to, anyhow, because Daya creeps around and demands attention. By the time she finally goes to sleep, I'm just wiped out. I hate the chaos that is my tiny apartment.

Also, I get really really sad every single morning, because now she has started to cry when I leave her. I hate it so much.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

White, Black, or Gray?

I learned/realized something. Both, because I wouldn't have come to this on my own, but it also took a bit of realization to understand it.

There is a danger in being Light. You get all holy-moly. It blinds you.

I like to think of myself as a decent person, plugging along in my evolution. I like to think that I live a spiritual existence and process life in terms of spiritual lessons.

But if you put me in a pure place I think I'd look really bad. There is a lot of talk about shadow work, and I think its important. But I think it starts with self-honesty and awareness. That's hard.

The Christians like to believe that Jesus was perfect. But even in the context of their belief system, that doesn't make a bit of sense. If he was here to understand the human condition, he'd automatically be imperfect. But then, I don't subscribe to that belief system, so its irrelevant to me.

Perfection is arrogance. No one knows what the heck it is anyhow. I don't want to be perfect.

When I was a toddler I remember my mother talking to me about my soul and sin. I imagined my soul was something pristine white, and every time I sinned it left something that looked very like a tobacco stain.

I'm very back and forth in my view of humanity- parasites or pity? But I think its mch better to focus on loving, because even if it doesn't do anything it's good for your own energy.

I feel very alone lately. I'm just tired of it. That seems to be the story of my life, and I want it to change.

Evolve

This is interesting.

Take the word "love".

Backwards its "evol"

Like evolve.

Love = evolve, evolve = love.

Interesting.

Why are you dreaming this?

I had a conscious realization this morning.

Often, at home, I look around me and take stock of my environment and circumstance.

Something is definitely off balance.

A deep inner voice always says, "I deserve better."
A less-deep inner voice always counters this with something opposite.

But I *do* deserve better. And I'm not squelching that voice that knows it.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Resentment

I got an email from South Africa today. It was addressed to Daya, from her "family" there. It was a kind email, saying nice things about Daya and saying thank you for the pictures and emails.

And it pissed me off.

Because I am completely on my own (read: alone with no help in any way) in all things pertaining to raising and caring for Daya, it's really easy for me to forget that others claim her as family. No one is helping me shoulder the weight of it all. That feels so weird to me. I'm not used to "sharing" her, just by circumstance. Actually, I don't feel that way towards my own family, or friends, as they have contributed towards her well-being.

But her family in South Africa? For all their words they have done NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING for her.

So I don't care what they say. I go by actions.

Motherwort 2

I was given something in a flash before I went to Charleston last week. I need to see the positive in my mother. I found that really difficult to do before I saw her again for the first time in about 3 years. In fact, I didn't even really want to. It was good that I went, I have a lot of clarity and I am stronger in my current spiritual development than I have ever been.

Now, I understand myself in relation to her in a clarity I never had before. I see her more clearly, and the honest truth is that I harbor no negativity towards her, though I doubt we will ever be close. Three days together is pushing the envelope. But I have resolve and understanding.

So here's what I've got:

The Good Stuff

*My mother is a very generous person. Her way of giving is truly from the heart, and she shows this in cooking and in shopping, much the same way that her own mother did for her. That is how she expresses love, and it is good. It is genuine.

*My mother is very creative. She enjoys making things, she likes pretty things, and she enjoys giving things she makes to others. Her mother was much the same, and my mother carries that on.

*My mother keeps track of things. This is something I get from her. For example, I know exactly how many pacifiers Daya has, what they look like, and more or less where they are. I know what "stuff" we have with us, if we are out somewhere, and I notice if something is missing. I account for everything.

The Challenging Stuff

*I had an epiphany while visiting, a perfect way to describe what has always bothered me: my mother is a micro-manager. I can't stand micro-management and I don't do well under it. I find it demeaning and humiliating. If something isn't being done her way, she'll yell and get very upset, and literally stand over you. I told her many times that just because I do something differently than her, it's not wrong. Seriously, I can't even load her dishwasher without getting yelled at. For my mother, every little thing has its place and correct way of being done. This ties into the micro-management thing. My philosophy: whatever works is great.

*My mother is ultra-sensitive and every little thing upsets her. She reacts to and stresses about everything, what has happened, including what could happen. I am exactly the opposite- I take life as it comes, and if something happens I just deal with it in that moment. I'm more of the laid back happy-go-lucky type. When I was growing up she always said to me "You just don't give a shit!" and it's true- I really don't. Life is too short to worry about such minor things, like the way things are arranged in a cabinet.

*Emotional expectations. I tried explaining this to her, but she didn't get it. Example: She cleaned the bathroom nicely before I came over, but never said anything about it, and honestly, it was a normally-clean bathroom. Very nice, but isn't that normal? I will always clean a bathroom spotless for guests and not think anything of it. That's just what you do. She was very upset that I didn't automatically acknowledge that she had cleaned it. I mean, she was really upset about that. That I "didn't give her credit where credit was due". It was her desire that I say something, she built it up in her mnd to where it became expectation, and she took it personally when that didn't happen. I tried to explain that the expectation was created in her mind of how she wanted me to behave, but she didn't get it. I said to her "Mom, I can't be what you want me to be, I can only be myself." She said something like "I wouldn't want otherwise," but clearly she was upset and just doesn't get it.

Part of my mother's shadow is her sister Carol. I don't particularly like Carol, and she doesn't like me. That's ok. But when my mother went down the list of things she can't stand about her sister, I thought to myself "you do those exact same things". When she complained at Carol for always yelling at her children...well, I didn't say anything.

The really challenging thing when I was there was that no matter how positive I was towards her, she turned it into something negative, usually aimed towards herself. I'd be just as miserable living with her today as I was growing up. The sad thing is, according to my observation, that her religious beliefs hold her back more than she will ever know. It's how she sees this life, death, etc, and it always comes back to her religion. She's not a fanatic, it's got a lot more to do with her framework of relating to self and the world around her. Really really sad. While she's not Catholic, she never did get away from the strict Catholic upbringing. If I speak in conceptual terms, she really just doesn't understand me.

So, I wish her well and will be nice to her, but don't expect long visits.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Christine

Dear Christine,

If you are reading this you should give me the green ring because I am still mourning the loss of my favourite shirt. It is not fair for you to get both.

If you do not give me the green ring it proves that you are a cankerblossom.

Your loving sister,

J

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Things I want out of my head.

When my marriage fell apart last summer, my close friend's husband told me I'd have trouble finding another man, now that I have a child, because that made me like used goods.

While I am so vehemently against the messages the mass media sends out, especially concerning women, I admit I have this thing about my "imperfect" post-pregnancy body. Hey, I look pretty good for a girl that had a kid- I never gained any weight and I have no stretch marks...but there are a few differences, and I worry about it. So stupid, I know.

The ex. I still have dreams. He always wants something, usually sex, and I want absolutely nothing to do with him. In my dreams, I never let him touch me. I always end up leaving. I just wish it would stop. And on occasion I dream about that girl, sometimes she follows me around trying to talk to me, sometimes I just know where she is. She's always alone. I won't have anything to do with her in the dreams, either.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Lollipop Gestapo

I have to go see the Lollipop Gestapo tomorrow. Yeah, the dysfunctional quagmire family my Higher Self chose in this lifetime. My grandmother crossed over Sat night...she came to me in a dream hours before I got the news, that was cool.

But I really don't like the family. I never miss them, I see them as little as possible, and I'm not looking forward to going. I'm glad my sister will be there.

I hate all the drama. The close-mindedness. Especially the emotional drama and glomping-on, how everything has to be a major production. I just don't have the stomach or temperament for it. When I go back there, it's always like going back to sit in an old prison I escaped from years before, except the door is still open for escape. A lot of old layers are still in my being, going there just reminds me of old resonances. I have moved to different places. They never knew me at all, even when I was closer to their ways. The thing is that I have no hope or expectation of their ever being able to understand the first thing about me.

Lately I have found myself easily irritated by very little incompotencies of other people. I don't like this about myself. I am really really drained. I think I'm walking near an edge, and I'm unaware that it's even there.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Daya's first drawing! :)


She'll be ready for oils very soon. :)


This one just because.

Friday, September 01, 2006

September!

Yay September!

I made it through August in 2 pieces, but I'll glue one back on.

Yesterday I wondered why I wasn't getting any email at work....and today, I got all of it. No rational explanation, other than August ate all my email, then had to puke it back up 'cause it's now September.

I think I need to do some purification. I should have gotten a white 7 day candle yesterday, but I'll get it today. Do some smudging and stuff, all will be well. And work on that one thing. That's important. And frustrating.

I'm feeling much better, not great, but better.

My current quandry is if I should bother or not to try and get an increase in child support. $100 a month is an insult, not help. Ex doesn't want to give up parental rights (not that he exercises them), so he should have to take some responsibility, right? I think so. It costs me nothing to petition and go to court. The court will serve papers to any address, even an international one. All sounding good...my one issue is that I really don't want him anywhere near me or Daya, he's really and truly dangerous. But I'm thinking that there are no down-sides for me in petitioning for an increase, it's definitely more of a hassle for him. Do I want to get involved with the energy? I'm leaning more towards a yes with this, perhaps it'll give me more leverage to present him dropping parental rights again. Besides, the honest truth is that I really need the financial help. He wants rights, he needs to accept responsibility.